My Life with Vegetables


Disclaimer: If you are disheartened by John admitting that he hasn’t been eating bacon wrapped steak, deep fried macaroni and cheese, meat lovers pizzas, sausage stuffed with cheese, chicken cooked in bacon fat then wrapped with bacon and covered with macaroni and cheese, I would suggest that you stop reading now.

Since I was born, I have been what some might call an avid carnivore.  Actually, that’s exactly what you could call me.  As you can probably tell from the content on this blog, I tend to shy away from most things that grow from the ground.  Fresh tomatoes?  Sick.  Lettuce?  Pointless filler food.  Something about these plants just never rubbed me the right way.  I’m not sure if it was the color, the taste, the texture, or just the public opinion that meat equals masculinity, but I would absolutely refuse to eat them.  I have always gone to restaurants and ordered entrees with no vegetables, or ordered ones minus anything that resembles a vegetable.  The thought of ordering a salad has always been ridiculous to me.  Usually this is a trend in children that is eventually outgrown, but I never really grew out of it.  It’s not that my Mom just gave up on the veggie front and allowed me to eat meat for every meal in hopes of food harmony.  She spent years trying to to sneak vegetables into my dinners and school lunches.   When she convinced me to eat a flafel sandwich at a local Middle Eastern restaurant at the age of 9, I swear she was in tears.  The time when I felt rude not eating a salad served to be at Todd’s house and somehow swallowed it down?  Happiest day for her in years.

Why am I telling you about my lifelong war with vegetables?  Well Stephanie, my girlfriend, just happens to be a vegetarian.  That’s right.   John, aka the modern day Hitler of vegetables, is dating someone that doesn’t eat meat.  No bacon, chicken, beef, or pork.   No fried chicken, steaks, bacon, or bacon.  No bacon either!  How did this happen?  Well, even though I always branded vegetarians as communists, it just so happened that I met the love of my life and she doesn’t eat meat.  Crazy how these things work.  In an effort to be as encouraging and as possible, I have also begun trying to introduce more vegetables and healthy options into my diet.  A few days ago, I didn’t eat meat for a full 48 hours.  Somewhere, my mother is crying tears of joy.  Gone are the epic dinners cooked in bacon fat, and 30″ meat lovers pizzas.  Well, temporarily.

I haven’t been doing many food reviews or crazy recipes on this site simply because I haven’t cooked or eaten much that might qualify as “Epic Portions”.  If you are missing this content, I greatly apologize.  To be completely honest, Epic Portions has added about 25 pounds to my frame since May of this year.  I know, cry me a freakin’ river.  Poor John, you ate so much good food and now you’re fat.  The crazy shit will be back, but first I need to get back down to my normal fighting weight.  This is also allowing me to sample new foods that I have never before given a chance.  Spinach?  Yum.  Brussel sprouts?  Oh man.  Yep, my mom is proud of her baby boy right about now.

I love everything about food, and I’m getting to sample a lot of new tastes that I never have tried before.  While I’m not going to focus as much on posts about 30″ meat lovers pizzas, suicide attempts, or the infamous Bomber Breakfast, I will continue to explore all things food.  That’s what this site has always been about.  I’ve always tried to steer the content on here to go along with what’s going on in my life.  It gives this whole thing a bit of a personality.  When I first started this thing it was called “Adventures in Food”, and I don’t aim to change that a bit.

Oh, and if you’re thinking Epic Portions is going to turn into some hippie vegetable blog, you’re mistaken.  Even vegetables can be wrapped in bacon.