Greetings, loyal readers. We here at Epic Portions have noticed the pointless and subjective handing out of awards that tends to go on this time of year, and well, we want to join the fun. Unlike other more politically correct awards, we have no issue with pointing out the worst in several categories as well. So allow me to announce the nominees for the First Annual Epic Portions Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence (and Atrociousness) in Food Programming. Or FAEPAOAFE(A)FP…it just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? (Actually that title is a reference to a award once given on a popular TV show, name that show and win 5,000 cool points from me!) No, we shall call our awards…The EPIES. Much debate has taken place around the water cooler here at the office on Epic Portions Drive, and this is what we have come up with. Winners will be announced in a couple days, until then ballots are held under lock and key by Price Waterhouse.
The nominees are:
BEST SHOW: Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Good Eats, Iron Chef America
WORST SHOW: $10 Dinners, Semi Homemade, Food Network Challenge
BEST MALE PERSONALITY: Alton Brown, Anthony Bourdain, Zane Lamprey
WORST MALE PERSONALITY: Bobby Flay, Guy Fieri, Ted Allen
BEST FEMALE PERSONALITY: Aida Molenkamp, Gina Neely, Robin Miller
WORST FEMALE PERSONALITY: Alex Guarnaschelli, Giada De Laurentiis, Rachel Ray
BEST TRAVEL SHOW: Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Man vs. Food, Three Sheets
BEST COMPETITION SHOW: Iron Chef America, Man vs. Food, Top Chef
BEST INSTRUCTIONAL SHOW: Good Eats, Quick Fix Meals, Tyler’s Ultimate
There they are, fellow food lovers. Check back in a couple days for the winners, and feel free to drop us a line if we have made an omission you feel strongly about, or if one of our “Worsts” is one of your favorites. Although I’m not sure how that could happen.
Article by Jeremy Rosenberg
After seven years in show business I have retired to be a stay-at-home Dad to my six year old son and one year old daughter. I love Epic Portions, I get to work from home all week except for Friday, which is always casual day at the office anyway. No more ties for me!!!!
Jeremy has written 46 other articles.
Subscribe Now
If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to the feed to get instantly updated for future posts soon to come.
Related Posts :
The ballots have been counted, and the suspense is over. For some, the winning of an EPIE will represent the pinnacle of achievement, a veritable dollop of sour cream on the bowl of chili of life. ...
[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="335" caption="Guy Fieri, serious chef or buffoonish clown?"][/caption] The game show. The continued existence of this worthless type of television ...
This might not be very timely or relevant to anything, but I recently had some free time so I decided to park myself in front of the TV for a few hours. The only channel I can really stand anymor ...
This week should have been a typical week. Take my son to kindergarten. Play with my daughter. Make dinner for family. Wrap dead fish in newspaper and mail to Food Network. Wait, ok, that l ...
Ugh…as if this wasn’t bad enough, our spies have uncovered another Food Network Movie Project. Executive Producer Jerry Bruckheimer and FN Films presents: un film de Jean-Pierre Jeunet To ...
Twitter
Facebook
Youtube
Flickr
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s from the Simpsons. Homer is given an award.
are we voting on these by comment or should I send it by message?
an award of outstanding achievement in the field of excellence!!!
Well done, Dave. Send me an email with your votes. We’ll add yours to the ones in the vault.
I have to second how much I HATE Alex Guarnaschelli. AHHH she drives me crazy, her voice, her criticisms, her attitude, ugh everything about her makes me scream “HARPY!” at the TV when I see her. What an awful person.
Gotta disagree with Giada though. While I hate her show, I love her look. In our house we have nicknamed her jigglypuff, because of her awesome chesticles. Smoking hot babe, just like veronica vaughn!
How could you not include Adam Richman from Man vs. Food in your top male nominees? I can’t think of another food tv host who has thrown down the gauntlet has heavily and humorously as he has this year (and, for the record, Anthony Bourdain is TOTALLY OVERRATED).
And Robin Miller is just “Sandra Lee” wacky on crack-cocaine as opposed to dumbass-tinis. I’m shakin my head at you, Epicportions.. …
However, I do agree that all three of your worst female nominees should be rolled up in pastry dough and baked wellington style til well-done.
Ghaz – Not surprised about Adam Richman not being included sparking debate. It was highly debated here, and I’m sure there are those at EP that completely agree with you. Still love Bourdain, though.
As for Robin Miller, lets just say it was difficult to come up with 3 likeable female personalities. I’ll get more into that when winners are posted.
Seth – Either you love Giada or hate her. More on her in the winners post as well.
it goes against everything i stand for, but–damnit–i love guy fieri.
i know, i know. the wristband. the sunglasses. the hair. the hot rod. the shirts. the… vocabulary. DY-NO-MITE.
i just can’t help it. maybe it’s the incredible food featured on the show or the allure of the great american mom and pop shop or my need to defend the underdog.
could we replace him with aaron sanchez? come on guys.
I think we could extend the “Worst Female Personality Category” to 10-12 nominees.
Guy Fieri is intolerable. I liked him at first, but he’s tried to create a brand out of something that is funny for five minutes. It’s kind of like when people kept quoting Napoleon Dynamite. After a while it’s just not funny.
And I will agree that Aaron Sanchez is terrible.
So is Gina Neely – I can’t understand what she is saying half the time. And she uses “brown sugar” to refer to Pat wwwaaayyyy too much. All they do is make BBQ too. I live in the LAND of BBQ, and I’m sick of seeing them make BBQed stuff.
Gina Neely is at least entertaining. I often watch and count how many sexual innuendos she makes. If Pat wasn’t so cool I would want to make her my wife.
Does anyone else hate Anne Burrell (Secrets of a Restaurant Chef, various other appearances) as much as I do? She has absolutely terrible descriptions for food (i.e. roasty, toasty, etc.) all while gesturing and moving her limbs around like a moron. She may appear/have fewer shows than the other nominees in the worst female category (and believe me, I dislike them too), but she is by far the worst.
She does have some pretty crazy hair. I thought she was Guy Fieri’s sister when I first saw her.
Right there with you Josh. Anne Burrell makes my skin crawl. Her hair hurts my eyes and her cadence while speaking leaves me feeling winded. I would rather watch a baby orangutan peel fruit.
Anne Burrell’s show really hasn’t been on long enough to qualify for this years award. I agree that she (and her show) are making a strong case for inclusion on next years worst list.
Wow, this blog is definately getting bookmarked. Great Info all over the place.
As much as I hate to admit it I agree with Katie. I actually like Guy. Sure he looks like a total douche, but most of the time he seems pretty aware of that and doesn’t take himself seriously at all.
BEST SHOW: Write-in Eric Ripert’s PBS show
WORST SHOW: Semi Homemade
BEST MALE PERSONALITY: Eric Ripert
WORST MALE PERSONALITY: Guy Fieri
BEST FEMALE PERSONALITY: All are terrible
WORST FEMALE PERSONALITY: Alex Guarnaschelli by far. She purports to actually be an okay cook/person (unlike RR, who is at least honest).
BEST TRAVEL SHOW: Haven’t seen 3 Sheets, but others are terrible, so that.
BEST COMPETITION SHOW: CHOPPED. Look, Iron Chef is worthless except for the last 10 minutes. Since the contestants know the ingredients ahead of time, it’s just watching them cook efficiently and listening to the announcers be annoying. Top Chef has just as many terrible chefs as Chopped, and we see very little cooking and lots of product placement, although the judges are at least good. Next Iron Chef is sort of okay in the beginning, but not a single contestant has ever been worthy of the eventual crown. Chopped has Guarnaschelli, who is as loathsome an individual as I have yet to see on TV, but it is at least useful for getting ideas and the ingredients are sometimes interesting.
BEST INSTRUCTIONAL SHOW: BBQ University
I’ve got to go with Alex Gaurnaschelli as the worst female FN personality. I saw her on Chopped once and I’ve disliked her ever since. Giada just seems to be too perky for me. I absolutely LOVE Guy Fieri’s DDD. I also love Alton Brown. G Neely’s voice is annoying and who could forget Paula Deen? She’s the grandma I wish I had. Poor Tyler Florence is boring to the point of causing narcolepsy. Chopped should be the worst show because the contestants are forced to put together foods with ingredients that shouldn’t even be near each other in the grocery store, forget about the same pot. Lastly, how could you forget to include Adam Richman and Duff Goldman up for Best Male Personality? I absolutely adore them! Thanks for reading.