Ok, so first I promised my cousin Jeremy that I would say this is written by me, Penelope, and not him. Happy? Like anyone would confuse me for one of Jeremy’s boring “I’m cool because I’m angry” stuff about cupcakes or Bud Light Golden Wheat, which BTW is not as good as BL Lime I had at my friend Madison’s 16th bday. He told me he would pay me $50 if I fed his cats and wrote a post for this food website while he is on vacation so here I am. So what should I write about?
So I thought, what is the one thing that everyone wants, irregardless of whoever you are, or like whatever you believe in and all that stuff? That’s easy, forgetting your normal life and your gossip queen friends and all their lame drama and hooking up with your super hot and sensitive vampire boyfriend! Ok, my BF isn’t a vampire, but it would be totally cool if he was. My real boyfriend sometimes doesn’t call me for days sometimes because he’s playing Call of Duty or Madden football or some other geek thing like that. If he were a vampire, he would appreciate me more. So then I would cook for him! Now I’m lucky if I can get him to take me to Taco Bell.
Ok, but this is writing and stuff so lets pretend he is a vampire and totally hot and in love with me. But what I would cook? I’ve made cookies a couple times and I made mac and cheese once. Do vampires even taste stuff? If I had a vampire BF we would usually just lay around in the woods and look longingly at each other. I know that the whole “Vampires can’t eat garlic” stuff isn’t true, but why risk it and besides I don’t want him to have yucky breath when he tells me he is willing to sacrifice everything for me.
So what does every guy like, even if it’s a regular guy or a 112 year old vampire trapped in some hot guy’s body? Steak, and bloody too! When I eat steak which is like hardly ever because my Mom and Dad are on this dumb “don’t eat it if it didn’t grow in the earth” diet (where do cows come from, duh!), I hate it when it is all dry and burned. So I’ll make him a steak and cook it rare. I think a vampire would like that!
But first I need an appetizer like mozzarella sticks or the asian lettuce wraps they have at Chili’s. If your going to cuddle up with a vampire, always remember that they are cold blooded. Ewwwww! So for appetizer, give him soup! Make him and his body warm, and maybe he won’t be so clammy when it is time to get close!
So soup for an appetizer and steak for the main course, but what about dessert? Nothing says I love you and think you are cute more than a cupcake! I’m going to decorate them in red, and I totally found these joke valentine hearts that say “bite me” and I’m going to put them on the cupcakes too. I’m sure he will tell me he thinks I am really funny after he sees that.
I don’t have recipes or anything but I’m sure you can look stuff up online and find it yourself. Anyway that was kind of fun. If I have time I might do another one of these. I hoped everyone liked it!! Bye!