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Posted by  Megan K, on March 9th, 2010 
Yeah, that’s right: Bacon S’mores. Chocolate-covered candied bacon smothered in marshmallow in a graham cracker crust.
I can’t take credit for this idea, and actually I’m not sure I would want to. A friend tweeted about The Complete Sale of Selma Lee posting about Chewbacca Bars, which they also call Chunky Chewies. I immediately started telling my friends about them, calling them bacon s’mores, until someone pointed out the lack of graham. So of course, I added graham! Below is my own recipe, which is extraordinarily similar to others’ recipes, except where I made some changes.
Start with one pound of thick-cut, peppered bacon. Cut the uncooked slices into quarters or even sixths, and marinate the pieces for a few hours (in the fridge!) in equal parts balsamic vinegar and maple syrup (the real stuff, none of that Mrs Jemima gunk.) Coat with brown sugar and more pepper, and bake on a wire rack on a LINED baking sheet at 350F until delicious. I didn’t time it. If you are someone who can leave baking bacon well enough alone, good for you. I stuck my head in there to smell it every, oh, ten seconds, so it took a while to bake but it was easy to tell when it was done.
Here is some delicious, marinated bacon ready to bake:
And here is what happens if you don’t line your baking sheet with tinfoil.
SERIOUSLY, I have been soaking and scrubbing my baking sheet since Sunday and it hasn’t come clean yet. Don’t say I didn’t warn you to line it.
When the bacon is done, remove it from the oven and move it to a plate to cool. Melt about 2 1/2 cups chocolate – I used dark, but it’s up to you – in a double boiler, and when the bacon is sufficiently cool, dump it in and fold it in to coat. Really coat it. No wimpy half-coated pieces here. Place a greased wire rack on a large amount of newspaper in an area of your kitchen that you don’t much need to make other things, and dump the chocolate-covered bacon onto it to set. Let it set. Stop eating it, just let it set.
Meanwhile, take 2 of the 3 packets of graham crackers that come in a normal sized box, and make really fine crumbs out of them. I did this using freezer bags and a rolling pin and beating them into submission. You can also use a food processor, but the rolling pin method is actually quite fun! Place 1/2 of the crumbs into a glass 9×11″ baking dish, and set the other half aside.
Now, you make marshmallow. Yes, you make it from scratch, because homemade marshmallow is god’s gift to the world and about 427times better than store-bought. Really. I used Joy of Baking’s recipe and I used it verbatim*, because everyone warned me it was really gooey and kind of difficult. It is really gooey, but it actually cleans up pretty easily with just water, and it is not that difficult.
1 cup cold water
3/4 oz unflavored gelatin (usually comes in 1/4oz packets, 4 packets in a box)
2 cups white sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
1/4 tspn salt (I use popcorn salt)
2 tspn vanilla extract
Put 1/2 cup cold water into a large, clean metal bowl. Sprinkle the gelatin over the water and let stand until gelatin softens, about 15 minutes. Meanwhile, place the sugar, corn syrup, salt, and remaining 1/2 cup cold water into a saucepan. Cook, stirring, over medium heat until sugar dissolves and the mixture comes to a boil. Attach a candy thermometer to the side of the pan and boil on high heat until the syrup reaches 240F, about 10 minutes. With mixer running (it helps to have about three hands at this point) pour the hot syrup into the water-gelatin bowl. Add the vanilla. Gradually increase the speed of your mixer to high and beat the mixture until it turns into marshmallow cream. Try not to cut off your fingers with the mixer when you are sticking them into the bowl to taste it. Be prepared to stand there for awhile – the recipe says 10 min, but mine took 15 min or more. It will grow, so be sure to use a big bowl. It will also taste really good, like even better than you are expecting, so don’t eat it all with your fingers (if they’re still attached.)
NOW – chop the chocolate covered bacon into bite-sized pieces and set aside. Pour 1/2 of the marshmallow cream into your crumb-prepared baking dish, and put the chocolate-covered bacon on top. Add the remaining marshmallow and sprinkle the other half of the graham crumbs on top. Allow to set for a few hours – I gave it four hours but sped it up a bit in the fridge, and it was fine.
It will look delicious and pretty like this:
… and it will be divisive. My sister says chocolate-covered bacon is the most disgusting thing she can think of; fair-goers across America think it’s a wonderful treat. Everyone who tried a piece liked it, but only one went back for seconds. I thought it was good. I think most things made with bacon and most things made with marshmallow are good. Chocolate doesn’t hurt.
Will you like bacon s’mores? Only one way to find out! 
*verbatim? OK, so not really. I don’t really do verbatim. But I came pretty close this time… I doubled the recipe because I needed extra to make s’mores cakes for the vegetarians and the Muslim (blog post to come) and I also used a hand mixer instead of the recommended stand mixer, because I don’t own a stand mixer. But otherwise: totally verbatim.
Posted by Jeremy, on March 3rd, 2010
 Guy Fieri, serious chef or buffoonish clown? The game show. The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers. And who can argue with them? There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses. Now, it only takes a quick perusal of network tv to find some worthless piece of dreck that kills more brain cells in an hour than a weekend in Amsterdam.
Why write about game shows on a food website? Perceptive question. Please indulge me as to how we have arrived at this unfortunate place. Last week, between watching the inspiring visage of Lindsey Vonn and the glorious competition known as Curling, I caught one of NBC’s ridiculous new show promos. Was it Law and Order: Restaurant Health Inspector? A new sitcom about a mismatched pair of ex-cops (starring Don Johnson and Edward James Olmos) who open a pizzeria in Miami called Miami Slice? No, it was much worse, my friends. It was a game show called A Minute to Win it. Apparently people without lives are called on to engage in an act of stupidity for one minute so they can win money. What makes this so appalling? The host is none other than our old friend, Guy Fieri.
We’ve had some fun with Guy here at EP. If you are a quasi-regular reader you probably know we don’t think very highly of Guy. In our opinion he is a buffoonish cartoon character. When he was nominated for an EPIE Award for worst male personality, there was a howl of indignation from a small but vocal minority. He didn’t win, thanks to the general asshattery of Bobby Flay, but poor Guy shouldn’t get too complacent, there is always next year.
What are you, Guy? Are you a chef or a clown? Was there a cooler version of you from 10 years ago, that if offered a time machine would travel into the future to kick your butt for even thinking about hosting a game show? I have to say that all signs point to you being a clown. And that is sad. I didn’t care when you did commercials for TGI Fridays. You want to make a little extra money before your 15 minutes expire, go for it, at least it was food related. I won’t judge you for that. But you can be damn sure that I will judge you for hosting a game show.
You see, Guy puts forth a certain image. He has a few tats, he has spikey hair, and he wears his sunglasses in an unorthodox manner. I suppose one could say that if he wears a clown suit, why is it wrong for him to behave like one? The answer is simple; there are chefs out there with spikey hair, tats and unorthodox sunglass wearing methods who aren’t clowns. They have style, they have flava. They deserve better than being compared to Guy the Game Show Host. Now, thanks to Guy Fieri they will be seen as not being serious chefs, fodder for poorly paid food bloggers to expose in overlong rants.
So again, why should we here at Epic Portions take Guy seriously if he doesn’t? Beneath his exterior, I’m sure Guy fancies himself a serious chef. Well guess what, by hosting a game show you no longer qualify as a serious chef, Guy. Enjoy taking a big bite out of the raw cassava that is celebrity, it will poison you long after your game show and triple D days are over.
To those who were upset with our EPIE nom for worst personality for Guy, I throw down the gauntlet to you. Defend this. Make yourself watch the game show (make it quick, it probably won’t last long) and defend him. I bet he throws out the same tired one-liners he has been saying since he started.
You are old and busted Guy, Adam Richman is the new hotness. Someday you will have to head back to your restaurant to regain respectability. But remember, your sous chef, line cooks, and dishwashers are laughing at you, not with you.
Posted by Jeremy, on February 23rd, 2010 Now that H1:N1 has lost its mojo, many members of the media have set their formidable journalistic talents on finding the next great scare. What will it be? A new disease? Octogenarians driving out of control Toyotas? Sadly, it is something that hits close to home…food. The formerly respectable folks over at Time Magazine have released the 10 MOST DANGEROUS FOODS list. At any moment these edible assassins could sneak into your home, kick your dog and KILL YOU!!!!! Fortunately Epic Portions is here to defend food, even the horrific habitants of Time’s list, many of which are delicious. Here is what Time claims will kill you, along with the uniquely insightful observations that only EP can provide.
10. Mushrooms
Thanks, Captain Obvious. Could you be a little more vague please, Time Magazine? Your journalism profs are rolling over in their graves. It’s not like the average person is picking the mushrooms in their backyard and scarfing them down while hoping for the best. If you don’t know that eating wild mushrooms is potentially hazardous than your presence in the human gene pool is no longer required. In the mean time, your friendly neighborhood grocer has a full supply of perfectly safe fungal goodness ready for addition to omelets or pizzas.
9. Coffee
Really, Time? Are you this desperate for dangerous food? Not to reveal the rest of the list too early, but since Chicken McNuggets is not on the list, ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY COFFEE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS YOU FUCKING MORONS?!?!?!?!? If you read Time’s article, the rationale they give is the incident where the 79 year old woman failed to realize she had a cup holder, put her McCoffee in her lap and promptly burned the shit out of herself, then sued McDonalds for serving hot coffee. Time serves up a Venti sized pile of nonsense with this addition.
8. Cassava
 Raw cassava looks delicious! Watch out world, better empty your pantry of cassava. Oh right, most of you probably have no idea what cassava is. Not trusting Time, I checked Wikipedia on this one. Apparently Cassava is an edible starchy tuberous root (sounds delicious!). The flour from the roots is used to make tapioca, something we’ve all heard of and don’t care about. Cassava is only dangerous when consumed raw. So, if you were considering heading out to the wild, pulling a starchy tuberous root out of the ground and consuming it raw, please send Time a note of thanks for saving your life.
7. Tuna
Hmmmm….Time tells me Tuna can kill me and Alton Brown says it is good for my health. Any guess at who I’m going to believe? We all know Tuna can contain mercury, but the Japanese eat a shitload of this fish and they are known for having a healthy diet. Tuna has the distinction of being able to be eaten raw with little potential health consequence, and the overwhelming potential of being delicious.
6. Rhubarb
 We all knew Garrison Keillor was trying to kill us Considering gnawing on raw rhubarb leaves? Of course you weren’t. No, you really weren’t considering rhubarb at all, unless coupled with strawberry and served in a pie. Delicious. So, much like cassava, if you take one thing away from this, do not venture into the wilderness and eat raw rhubarb leaves.
5. Leafy Greens
Way to be vague again, Time. After years of being told by our parents that we need to eat spinach, Time has come to rescue us. I would like to point out, again, that according to Time eating leafy greens is more dangerous than eating Chicken McNuggets. Time is referring to the outbreak a few years back, when some brilliant farmer decided it was a good idea to let his cows take a shit upstream from where they grew their spinach. Time also points out that the majority of illness from eating leafy greens comes from food handlers not practicing proper hygiene. No shit, that would pretty much apply to any food, wouldn’t it? In the mean time, order me up a ceasar salad, extra romaine please.
4. Peanuts
 Jack booted peanut Nazi's are after YOU! We all knew this was coming. Save us all from the peanut police. Before I get too nasty with peanut allergies, let me say I have true compassion for those allergic to peanuts. The inability to eat peanut butter is a gruesome curse to say the least. According to respected source Time magazine, 1% of the U.S. population suffers from peanut allergies. And most of them were in my son’s pre-school. A well known local movie theater chain had to stop popping popcorn in peanut oil due to mass peanut hysteria. The result, a significantly less delicious popcorn. For 1% of the population. Come get me peanut gestapo, I won’t allow you to ban peanuts from all public places. Meanwhile, for 99% of the U.S. population, PEANUTS ARE NOT MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!!!
3. Ackee
 Watch out for the wacky ackee in Jamaica! Apparently ackee is the national fruit of Jamaica. This truly is dangerous, as I had several friends who went to Jamaica during college to partake in a national Jamaican delight. For those who are traveling to Jamaica to mellow out on any Jamaican specialties, let Epic Portions tell you that ackee contains black seeds that are dangerous to consume. Come to think of it, my friends kept saying they had to remove the seeds before partaking in their Jamaican delicacy of choice, maybe they knew about this in advance.
2. Fugu
 Mmmmm...fan-fugu-tastic! Thanks to the wacky adventures of Homer Simpson, I was well aware of the danger of Fugu, especially if the only chef qualified to prepare it is engaged in coital delights with Mrs. Krabappel in the backseat of a car (talk about dangerous activities!). If improperly prepared, fugu can be deadly, so it is fortunate that to legally prepare fugu (a Japanese delicacy) one must have two to three years of training. The Japanese consume 10,000 tons of fugu every year, with minimal incident. Sounds real deadly, huh?
1. Hot Dogs
No argument from me that a lot of hot dogs contain mystery parts and are not fit to be consumed by man or beast. But that is not why Time is saying they are deadly (if that were the case than they would HAVE to include Chicken McNuggets). No, Time tells us of the awesome choking power of the hot dog, especially to children. If you have kids and don’t know better than to cut the hot dog into bite size pieces before serving it to them, than I leave you with the wisdom of George Carlin. The late, great comic said: “Whatever happened to Darwin, survival of the fittest. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own.” Or in this case, the parent who doesn’t cut up his kid’s hot dog properly regains their eligibility for a Darwin Award.
Whew, that was tiring and has left me famished. I think I’ll have a Tuna Dog with a spinach salad with wild mushrooms and cassava, with a peanut-rhubarb buckle for dessert. And yes please on the after dinner coffee.
Posted by Jeremy, on February 15th, 2010 It was bound to happen. After having a taste of the pate de canard en croute that is celebrity, the cocksure cuisinier at the Food Network have decided it is time for a mass leap onto the silver screen. With the help of our intricate network of spies, Epic Portions has been able to get a glimpse of the plot outlines in the works for these dinner time divas. It is our pleasure to share them with you, our loyal readers. Does Oscar beckon our culinary heroes, or will they crash harder than Emeril on NBC? Time will tell, but you may judge the potential of these films for yourself.
Man on Fieri
We’re rollin’ out to Mexico! While eating lunch during a vacation, Guy jumps behind the counter and heads to the kitchen to tell the cook that his tamale was money. Unfortunately, several members of the Mexican Mafia at the restaurant overhear him yelling “Dinero! Dinero!” at the cook and decide to kidnap the crazy looking and eccentric gringo. Upon hearing of Guy’s kidnapping, fellow Food Network Star winner Aaron McCargo goes beserk and destroys half of Mexico rescuing Guy and bringing him back to safety. Directed by Michael Bay.
Requiem for a Deen
A venture into the dramatic for Paula Deen, Requiem for a Deen tells the story of a woman so riddled with an addiction to butter that she is forced to engage in unspeakable acts just to feed her habit. During the climactic downward spiral into delusion and depravity, Paula holds a charity bake sale using margarine because she freebased the 10 sticks of butter she was supposed to use to make her pecan chewies.
Evil Bread: Bread by Dawn
Chef Robert Irvine is faced with his greatest challenge ever. Only able to use the contents of a dumpster behind a Subway and two EZ-Bake Ovens, Chef Robert is supposed to bake enough bread for the Michigan State football team’s annual banquet. Realizing he will need supernatural help to complete his task, he resorts to reading from the “Cookbook of the Dead,” causing the release of evil spirits, not the least of which is a severed hand that attacks him during a thrilling scene where Chef Robert slays his possessed sous chef with a cheese grater. To deal with the severed hand, Chef Robert launches into a verbal tirade so viscous, so devastating, that the hand gives up and gets put to work kneading the dough, helping Chef Robert complete his task by dawn.
Super Molto Mario
Help! Princess Giada has been kidnapped by the evil Bobby Flay! Watch as Mario Batali powers up on porcini mushrooms and battles Bobby’s evil minions, played by Seth Rogan and Bill Heder. After Mario defeats them and several other monsters, an uncredited Anthony Bourdain shows up with some “special” mushrooms to help Mario. Tony’s special shrooms give Mario the wisdom to give up and let Bobby keep Giada, where he forces her to become a kitchen test cook for Throwdown.
Ray
Ray is an inspiring biopic starring the effervescent and effusive Rachael Ray. It tells the amazing story of how one person overcame the debilitating handicap of being extremely annoying to forge a multi-million dollar media empire.
Cocktail II: Cougar Patrol
Yes, its Cocktail time as Sandra Lee stars in the only authorized sequel of the bunch. After microwaving a bunch of stuff and calling it a cooking show, Food Network execs give Sandra the pink slip, leaving her unemployed. She decides to leave the hectic food scene of NYC to head for the Bahamas to work as a bartender. There she finds romantic fun and sun, headlined by torrid affairs with a vacationing college student played by Twilight star Robert Pattinson, and a local medical intern played by Shia LeBeouf. Will Sandra decide to stay with the younger, fun-loving Robert, the brilliant (but passionate!) Shia, or embrace romance with the easy-going humor of the bar owner played by Matthew McConaughey?
Ina Garten Cop
Tired of being forced to have the most boring show on Food Network, Ina Garten makes a career change, just in time to stop a terrorist (portrayed by the guy who played Samir in Office Space) hell-bent on destroying her neighbor P. Diddy’s mansion. Along with her partner, a normally undercover vice cop played by James Franco, Ina has to stop the plot and make lobster ravioli for Jeffrey before the terrorist blows up Diddy’s mansion, setting off a destructive “doomsday device” that will trigger the end of the world.
Tyler Perry’s I Can Do BBQ All By Myself
Watch out Gina! When sassy Sunny Anderson moves in next door, Gina’s long lost Grandmother Madea is afraid she will try to seduce Pat, all while Gina is working overtime to prepare for the big church barbecue. It turns out that Sunny is there to help Gina, as she discovers the church barbecue is a ruse by Bobby Flay to show up and challenge Gina to a barbecue throwdown. As Gina and Sunny prepare to defeat Bobby, the competition never takes place after Madea beats him over the head with a meat tenderizer when he shows up with plum glazed pork ribs for the throwdown.
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