One of my favorite things to cook, especially when people are over, is a big Timpano. It’s a crowd pleaser and guarantees leftovers for days after. If you have no idea what these Timpano things are, I will now provide you with a visual.  This particular Timpano is from the Michigan/Michigan State game a couple years back.  I believe the layers are chicken Parmesan, mozzarella sticks, spaghetti, meatballs and fettuccine Alfredo

I’ve always wanted to come up with some kind of crazy twist and make a hybrid Timpano.  Philly cheese steak Timpano is probably the best idea I’ve had so far.  The Food in my Beard recently came up with the genius idea of a lasagna Timpano.  Look at this thing.  It’s incredible.

I have no words that can equal the deliciousness that is the lasagna Timpano, so I’m going to end this post right here.  Jesus that looks delicious.

Shaya and I were sitting around the other day feeling extremely lazy when hunger struck.  This particular hunger was inspired by multiple episodes of Epic Meal Time, which is probably the greatest food related thing to happen to the internet in quite some time.  This was quite the dilemma because both of us needed to eat, yet neither of us felt motivated enough to get up or even put on shoes.  The solution to this problem was to pick apart her depleted pantry and make a disgusting delicious combination of whatever we found.

Hash Browns – Cooked with bacon fat and sauteed garlic.  Sturdy base layer.

Bacon – Cooked normally.  Bacon doesn’t need any help.  Layered over top of the hash browns.

Chicken breast – Soaked in a brine, seasoned with Old Bay and other randoms, cooked, shredded.  Placed on top of bacon.

Kraft Mac and Cheese – Added more cheese and Sriracha.  Placed on top of chicken breast.

Bread Crumbs – Very top layer.

More cheese – Just for the hell of it.  On top of bread crumbs.

Like I said, the pantry was a little depleted and we were feeling damn lazy.  All of this was placed into a large bowl and cooked at 350.  The result was one of the fattest, most delicious things I have ever tasted.

I would first like to state that I have no knowledge of what Taco Bell uses as meat filler.  My best guess is that they are using the same type of soy-based meat-substitute that I make for my family on “taco night.”  More on that bit of sadness later.  Saving money is the obvious motivation for Taco Bell not to use locally grown, grass fed beef, which I hope the consumer would prefer.  I will leave the actual research on this topic to John, since he deserves his due as a serious, thought-provoking Investigative Journalist.  Kind of the Hunter S. Thompson of the food universe…

I’m more of a satirist, which is to say I write humor that no one laughs at.  What follows is what passes as taco night at my house, due to my having (voluntarily) married a vegetarian.  Whether this recipe inspires laughter or pity is up to you.  Just remember that quite often it is served with a margarita, which makes anything better.

Thus begins another new segment on Epic Portions (BTW – we are now up to 1,478 “new segments”) called:  Six Minute Meals:  Jeremy’s Forced Vegetarian Dinners.  Simple, nutritious, affordable, and edible.

Jeremy’s Super-Delicious Soy Based Vegetarian Meat Filler Tacos

1.  Buy one bag of Morningstar Farms Grillers fake ground beef.  If something else catches your eye, like Boca, go for it.  It’s soy.  Your palate is already crying at this point…

2.  Buy a packet of Old El Paso Hot n Spicy Taco Seasoning.

3.  Purchase a yellow pepper, an orange pepper, and two jalapenos. Julienne the onion and peppers (in other words cut into long strips that would fit nicely on a taco) then sauté the peppers, onions, and jalapenos (save a dash of the Old El Paso Seasoning for the veggies)—stir in seasoning as veggies begin to soften.  One other note: Do not, under any circumstances, remove the seeds or membrane from the jalapenos.  If you are going to eat soy based meat filler, ADD HEAT—you will need make your food exciting.

4.  In a separate pan (use non-stick or you will have regrets), dump the contents of the Bag o’ Meat Filler into the pan with an already hot tablespoon of vegetable oil.  Stir off and on until Soy Based Meat Substitute has begun to soften, about 3 minutes.  When it does, add half the packet of seasoning and stir.  In another minute, add the rest of the seasoning packet (save the portion you mixed in with your vegetables). Stir and let cook another minute or two, and take comfort in the fact that you don’t need to use a meat thermometer.  Remove seasoned soy from pan.  Be sure to save the rendered soy-ey goodness on the bottom of the pan.  Deglaze with a bottle of Boone’s Farm and serve to someone you do not like.

5.  You will also need: Tortillas, vegetarian refried beans, shredded cheese of your preference, lettuce, salsa of your choice, and any other taco fixins that make you happy. 

6.  Assemble tacos.  Eat.  Be a little surprised that they are pretty good.  Not great, but good.  And it is healthy.  There is always that.

For what it is worth my seven year old son loves taco night.  I even call it fake ground beef when I buy it and am cooking it.  Which means if you are in my house on taco night, you will hear me say “I’m going to make the fake ground beef now.”  Doesn’t bother him a bit.  Me, on the other hand…

So give fake soy substitute meat filler a chance, if you want.  At least you won’t have to face the fear of every father who cooks for his family: making your entire family ill with food poisoning.  Just remember to wash your hands.

Twice baked potatoes topped with Boar’s Head sharp Cheddar and Steak Au Poivre.  The traditional Moors family Christmas dinner.

Merry Christmas from Epic Portions!

Community supported agriculture (CSA) goat sausage, curried carmelized onions, feta, greens, on toasted baguette.

  Oh.  Snap!

Pillsbury thin pizza crust..

Roasted garlic spread over that..

Topped with provolone cheese..

Chicken marinated in Frank’s, butter, vinegar, garlic, onion, and a few other seasonings..

Bleu Cheese crumbled on top..

Dashed with Frank’s red hot.

Baked at 400 for about 12 minutes.

“Sauceless” Buffalo Chicken Pizza.  For the win.

Seriously, try this out at home.  I decided to pick up some of this pre-made pizza dough and create a simple, yet delicious dinner for myself.  If you love Buffalo chicken pizza, this combination of ingredients will kill any other version you’ve had.  The only thing that could make it better would be making your own dough, but I just wasn’t feeling that motivated.

I love labor day. Why? Well, thanks to holiday pay from my work I get to be a professional at everything I do on that particular day. I get to be a professional layer in bedder, a professional teeth brusher, a professional eater, a professional driver, and the list goes on. My favorite one day profession this year was a professional burger maker.

I give to you the best burger we came up with.   A bacon, fried egg, sauteed mushroom, swiss cheese, bleu cheese and caramelized onion burger.  Delicious.

Also, thanks to Kara we also ate maple bacon toffee cupcakes.  Holy shit these things were good.