Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

-Lazy Todd who hasn’t posted in two months.

Some ideas you just wish you came up with on your own!  This is amazing (from Buzzfeed):

You don’t know it, but you need this product right now. It’s a little tea bag-like item that you fill with the leftover crumbs from an oreo package. You then dunk the “crumb case” into a glass of milk. POW. Oreo-infused milk. Mind blown. Oreo make this a reality.

Oreo Therapy: Dip that into a glass of 2% and all your cares melt away....

So here is my question: did the guy/gal who invented this get a percentage?  Or are they “some sad ass down in the basement of [Oreo]“?  Tell us like it is D’Angelo:

In case you missed it, our hero Anthony Bourdain has been vilified in the media for daring to call out Paula Deen for being a mediocre cook who is infatuated with using too much butter in every recipe (more on that later).  Well, EP will not stand by and allow the forces of evil, represented by Paula Deen, strike at Bourdain without a rousing defense.

For starters, Bourdain’s comments came after he was asked in an interview who the worst cooks on Food Network are.  So it’s not like he was running around looking to pick a fight with Paula Deen.  After the question, he proceeded to lambaste Deen, Rachael Ray, Sandra Lee, and our favorite whipping boy, Guy Fieri.  He called Deen, “the worst, most dangerous person to America.  She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations, and she’s proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you.  I would think twice before telling an already obese nation that it is OK to eat food that is killing us.  Plus, her food sucks.”  As for Fieri, Bourdain said, “I look at Guy and I just think, Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.”  Well said, maestro.

Is Paula Deen as bad as Tony says?  While he probably was a little over the top, I can’t find too much fault with what he says.  I don’t dislike Deen, but I have to admit I haven’t watched her in years.  She does shill for any corporation that offers her a check, and her food is unhealthy to extreme levels.  I also ate at her Savannah restaurant, Lady and Sons or whatever it is called, and found it pretty disappointing.  I won’t say it sucks, but much like a white musician trying to play the blues, a woman like Deen can only do so much with soul food.

A couple years ago I was charged with the task of cooking a Mother’s Day Brunch for my wife, her grandmother, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.  Aside from killer sausage and mushroom egg casseroles, I made some cheesy hash browns and used a Deen recipe.  Even after cutting out one-half of the butter called for in the recipe, the dish came out way too buttery.  There were pools of grease throughout the dish.  I was quite pissed off at myself for getting lazy and using Deen’s recipe.  Of course, since I was cooking for a bunch of white people the dish was well received.  Deen must have some kind of magic power over any white woman over 30.  Perhaps she is the most dangerous person in America…

As for Bourdain, I know he rubs some people the wrong way.  It is certainly their right to hold that opinion, but I still love the guy for speaking his mind, calling an asshole an asshole, and generally having zero tolerance for bullshit.  I say, keep the hits coming, Tony, and to hell with your detractors.  You will always have the support of your friends at Epic Portions.

You can’t create something that tastes like crazy alcohol rainbow pig and not expect me to get inspired.  I had to get out MS Paint and create some real beautiful shit.  This is my art, and if you don’t like it that’s fine because your interpretation does not define who I am as an artist.  This is my masterpiece.

I would first like to state that I have no knowledge of what Taco Bell uses as meat filler.  My best guess is that they are using the same type of soy-based meat-substitute that I make for my family on “taco night.”  More on that bit of sadness later.  Saving money is the obvious motivation for Taco Bell not to use locally grown, grass fed beef, which I hope the consumer would prefer.  I will leave the actual research on this topic to John, since he deserves his due as a serious, thought-provoking Investigative Journalist.  Kind of the Hunter S. Thompson of the food universe…

I’m more of a satirist, which is to say I write humor that no one laughs at.  What follows is what passes as taco night at my house, due to my having (voluntarily) married a vegetarian.  Whether this recipe inspires laughter or pity is up to you.  Just remember that quite often it is served with a margarita, which makes anything better.

Thus begins another new segment on Epic Portions (BTW – we are now up to 1,478 “new segments”) called:  Six Minute Meals:  Jeremy’s Forced Vegetarian Dinners.  Simple, nutritious, affordable, and edible.

Jeremy’s Super-Delicious Soy Based Vegetarian Meat Filler Tacos

1.  Buy one bag of Morningstar Farms Grillers fake ground beef.  If something else catches your eye, like Boca, go for it.  It’s soy.  Your palate is already crying at this point…

2.  Buy a packet of Old El Paso Hot n Spicy Taco Seasoning.

3.  Purchase a yellow pepper, an orange pepper, and two jalapenos. Julienne the onion and peppers (in other words cut into long strips that would fit nicely on a taco) then sauté the peppers, onions, and jalapenos (save a dash of the Old El Paso Seasoning for the veggies)—stir in seasoning as veggies begin to soften.  One other note: Do not, under any circumstances, remove the seeds or membrane from the jalapenos.  If you are going to eat soy based meat filler, ADD HEAT—you will need make your food exciting.

4.  In a separate pan (use non-stick or you will have regrets), dump the contents of the Bag o’ Meat Filler into the pan with an already hot tablespoon of vegetable oil.  Stir off and on until Soy Based Meat Substitute has begun to soften, about 3 minutes.  When it does, add half the packet of seasoning and stir.  In another minute, add the rest of the seasoning packet (save the portion you mixed in with your vegetables). Stir and let cook another minute or two, and take comfort in the fact that you don’t need to use a meat thermometer.  Remove seasoned soy from pan.  Be sure to save the rendered soy-ey goodness on the bottom of the pan.  Deglaze with a bottle of Boone’s Farm and serve to someone you do not like.

5.  You will also need: Tortillas, vegetarian refried beans, shredded cheese of your preference, lettuce, salsa of your choice, and any other taco fixins that make you happy. 

6.  Assemble tacos.  Eat.  Be a little surprised that they are pretty good.  Not great, but good.  And it is healthy.  There is always that.

For what it is worth my seven year old son loves taco night.  I even call it fake ground beef when I buy it and am cooking it.  Which means if you are in my house on taco night, you will hear me say “I’m going to make the fake ground beef now.”  Doesn’t bother him a bit.  Me, on the other hand…

So give fake soy substitute meat filler a chance, if you want.  At least you won’t have to face the fear of every father who cooks for his family: making your entire family ill with food poisoning.  Just remember to wash your hands.

Holy moly.  I want a 3-d food printer.  Price point of an iPAD?  oh heck yes.

The chef is right…everything is better fried!

I found this somewhere on…the internets.  So true…