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Posted by  Jeremy, on March 3rd, 2010
 Guy Fieri, serious chef or buffoonish clown? The game show. The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers. And who can argue with them? There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses. Now, it only takes a quick perusal of network tv to find some worthless piece of dreck that kills more brain cells in an hour than a weekend in Amsterdam.
Why write about game shows on a food website? Perceptive question. Please indulge me as to how we have arrived at this unfortunate place. Last week, between watching the inspiring visage of Lindsey Vonn and the glorious competition known as Curling, I caught one of NBC’s ridiculous new show promos. Was it Law and Order: Restaurant Health Inspector? A new sitcom about a mismatched pair of ex-cops (starring Don Johnson and Edward James Olmos) who open a pizzeria in Miami called Miami Slice? No, it was much worse, my friends. It was a game show called A Minute to Win it. Apparently people without lives are called on to engage in an act of stupidity for one minute so they can win money. What makes this so appalling? The host is none other than our old friend, Guy Fieri.
We’ve had some fun with Guy here at EP. If you are a quasi-regular reader you probably know we don’t think very highly of Guy. In our opinion he is a buffoonish cartoon character. When he was nominated for an EPIE Award for worst male personality, there was a howl of indignation from a small but vocal minority. He didn’t win, thanks to the general asshattery of Bobby Flay, but poor Guy shouldn’t get too complacent, there is always next year.
What are you, Guy? Are you a chef or a clown? Was there a cooler version of you from 10 years ago, that if offered a time machine would travel into the future to kick your butt for even thinking about hosting a game show? I have to say that all signs point to you being a clown. And that is sad. I didn’t care when you did commercials for TGI Fridays. You want to make a little extra money before your 15 minutes expire, go for it, at least it was food related. I won’t judge you for that. But you can be damn sure that I will judge you for hosting a game show.
You see, Guy puts forth a certain image. He has a few tats, he has spikey hair, and he wears his sunglasses in an unorthodox manner. I suppose one could say that if he wears a clown suit, why is it wrong for him to behave like one? The answer is simple; there are chefs out there with spikey hair, tats and unorthodox sunglass wearing methods who aren’t clowns. They have style, they have flava. They deserve better than being compared to Guy the Game Show Host. Now, thanks to Guy Fieri they will be seen as not being serious chefs, fodder for poorly paid food bloggers to expose in overlong rants.
So again, why should we here at Epic Portions take Guy seriously if he doesn’t? Beneath his exterior, I’m sure Guy fancies himself a serious chef. Well guess what, by hosting a game show you no longer qualify as a serious chef, Guy. Enjoy taking a big bite out of the raw cassava that is celebrity, it will poison you long after your game show and triple D days are over.
To those who were upset with our EPIE nom for worst personality for Guy, I throw down the gauntlet to you. Defend this. Make yourself watch the game show (make it quick, it probably won’t last long) and defend him. I bet he throws out the same tired one-liners he has been saying since he started.
You are old and busted Guy, Adam Richman is the new hotness. Someday you will have to head back to your restaurant to regain respectability. But remember, your sous chef, line cooks, and dishwashers are laughing at you, not with you.
Posted by Jeremy, on February 23rd, 2010 Now that H1:N1 has lost its mojo, many members of the media have set their formidable journalistic talents on finding the next great scare. What will it be? A new disease? Octogenarians driving out of control Toyotas? Sadly, it is something that hits close to home…food. The formerly respectable folks over at Time Magazine have released the 10 MOST DANGEROUS FOODS list. At any moment these edible assassins could sneak into your home, kick your dog and KILL YOU!!!!! Fortunately Epic Portions is here to defend food, even the horrific habitants of Time’s list, many of which are delicious. Here is what Time claims will kill you, along with the uniquely insightful observations that only EP can provide.
10. Mushrooms
Thanks, Captain Obvious. Could you be a little more vague please, Time Magazine? Your journalism profs are rolling over in their graves. It’s not like the average person is picking the mushrooms in their backyard and scarfing them down while hoping for the best. If you don’t know that eating wild mushrooms is potentially hazardous than your presence in the human gene pool is no longer required. In the mean time, your friendly neighborhood grocer has a full supply of perfectly safe fungal goodness ready for addition to omelets or pizzas.
9. Coffee
Really, Time? Are you this desperate for dangerous food? Not to reveal the rest of the list too early, but since Chicken McNuggets is not on the list, ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY COFFEE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS YOU FUCKING MORONS?!?!?!?!? If you read Time’s article, the rationale they give is the incident where the 79 year old woman failed to realize she had a cup holder, put her McCoffee in her lap and promptly burned the shit out of herself, then sued McDonalds for serving hot coffee. Time serves up a Venti sized pile of nonsense with this addition.
8. Cassava
 Raw cassava looks delicious! Watch out world, better empty your pantry of cassava. Oh right, most of you probably have no idea what cassava is. Not trusting Time, I checked Wikipedia on this one. Apparently Cassava is an edible starchy tuberous root (sounds delicious!). The flour from the roots is used to make tapioca, something we’ve all heard of and don’t care about. Cassava is only dangerous when consumed raw. So, if you were considering heading out to the wild, pulling a starchy tuberous root out of the ground and consuming it raw, please send Time a note of thanks for saving your life.
7. Tuna
Hmmmm….Time tells me Tuna can kill me and Alton Brown says it is good for my health. Any guess at who I’m going to believe? We all know Tuna can contain mercury, but the Japanese eat a shitload of this fish and they are known for having a healthy diet. Tuna has the distinction of being able to be eaten raw with little potential health consequence, and the overwhelming potential of being delicious.
6. Rhubarb
 We all knew Garrison Keillor was trying to kill us Considering gnawing on raw rhubarb leaves? Of course you weren’t. No, you really weren’t considering rhubarb at all, unless coupled with strawberry and served in a pie. Delicious. So, much like cassava, if you take one thing away from this, do not venture into the wilderness and eat raw rhubarb leaves.
5. Leafy Greens
Way to be vague again, Time. After years of being told by our parents that we need to eat spinach, Time has come to rescue us. I would like to point out, again, that according to Time eating leafy greens is more dangerous than eating Chicken McNuggets. Time is referring to the outbreak a few years back, when some brilliant farmer decided it was a good idea to let his cows take a shit upstream from where they grew their spinach. Time also points out that the majority of illness from eating leafy greens comes from food handlers not practicing proper hygiene. No shit, that would pretty much apply to any food, wouldn’t it? In the mean time, order me up a ceasar salad, extra romaine please.
4. Peanuts
 Jack booted peanut Nazi's are after YOU! We all knew this was coming. Save us all from the peanut police. Before I get too nasty with peanut allergies, let me say I have true compassion for those allergic to peanuts. The inability to eat peanut butter is a gruesome curse to say the least. According to respected source Time magazine, 1% of the U.S. population suffers from peanut allergies. And most of them were in my son’s pre-school. A well known local movie theater chain had to stop popping popcorn in peanut oil due to mass peanut hysteria. The result, a significantly less delicious popcorn. For 1% of the population. Come get me peanut gestapo, I won’t allow you to ban peanuts from all public places. Meanwhile, for 99% of the U.S. population, PEANUTS ARE NOT MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!!!
3. Ackee
 Watch out for the wacky ackee in Jamaica! Apparently ackee is the national fruit of Jamaica. This truly is dangerous, as I had several friends who went to Jamaica during college to partake in a national Jamaican delight. For those who are traveling to Jamaica to mellow out on any Jamaican specialties, let Epic Portions tell you that ackee contains black seeds that are dangerous to consume. Come to think of it, my friends kept saying they had to remove the seeds before partaking in their Jamaican delicacy of choice, maybe they knew about this in advance.
2. Fugu
 Mmmmm...fan-fugu-tastic! Thanks to the wacky adventures of Homer Simpson, I was well aware of the danger of Fugu, especially if the only chef qualified to prepare it is engaged in coital delights with Mrs. Krabappel in the backseat of a car (talk about dangerous activities!). If improperly prepared, fugu can be deadly, so it is fortunate that to legally prepare fugu (a Japanese delicacy) one must have two to three years of training. The Japanese consume 10,000 tons of fugu every year, with minimal incident. Sounds real deadly, huh?
1. Hot Dogs
No argument from me that a lot of hot dogs contain mystery parts and are not fit to be consumed by man or beast. But that is not why Time is saying they are deadly (if that were the case than they would HAVE to include Chicken McNuggets). No, Time tells us of the awesome choking power of the hot dog, especially to children. If you have kids and don’t know better than to cut the hot dog into bite size pieces before serving it to them, than I leave you with the wisdom of George Carlin. The late, great comic said: “Whatever happened to Darwin, survival of the fittest. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own.” Or in this case, the parent who doesn’t cut up his kid’s hot dog properly regains their eligibility for a Darwin Award.
Whew, that was tiring and has left me famished. I think I’ll have a Tuna Dog with a spinach salad with wild mushrooms and cassava, with a peanut-rhubarb buckle for dessert. And yes please on the after dinner coffee.
Posted by Jeremy, on February 12th, 2010 As a carnivore, I have much appreciation for the animals I eat and their overwhelming deliciousness. That is why an experience such as I had this evening pains me so. I went to dinner to celebrate a birthday for a family member at a restaurant in swanky downtown Plymouth, MI called Tavern 1999. I purposely left my camera at home so I could enjoy a meal without having to review or write about the food. I just wanted to enjoy myself and see my nephew and the rest of my family in a non-working capacity. And I would have been able to do that if Tavern 1999 didn’t destroy my pork chops.
I loooooove pork chops. When I make them at home I use Jamaican Jerk seasoning and they are mine and my son’s favorite. The pork chop is a forgiving cut of meat, season it well, and DON’T OVERCOOK THE MEAT OR IT WILL BE TOO DRY!!! Well guess what the barbarians at Tavern 1999 did? They overcooked my damn pork chop. Not just by a little, they sucked all the delicious pork juice out in a food faux pas most foul. I almost cried, not for me, but for the poor pig. This was a culinary crime, a pig died to be turned into a dry, overcooked piece of shoe leather. That ain’t right.
Doubly infuriating was that along with my pork chop flambe, Tavern 1999 served the most delicious cole slaw I’ve had in a long time. How do you fuck up a pork chop that bad but put so much attention into cole slaw? They used some kind of seedy stone ground mustard in the slaw dressing and it was outstanding. And in the interest of fairness I had a bite of the “St. Louis Style” Ribs and they were very good. As I am originally from the S-T-L, I felt they did justice to the ribs. My man Nelly would be proud.
In short, Tavern 1999 may be a decent restaurant, but my displeasure with them runs deep. Don’t overcook my pork chop, you amateurs. They need to apologize to all of pigdom for the way they treated the poor beast that ended up on my plate.
Posted by Jeremy, on February 9th, 2010 I am well aware that it is old news to rant about and bash high fructose corn syrup. Wow, Jeremy, that was like, sooooo 2008. Well, it might be a couple years too late but I’m getting my two cents in, and I’m directing the majority of my lethal venom at Gerber. Last week I bought a package of Gerber Arrowroot Cookies for my one year old. After an excruciating mealtime of smashing bananas into her hair and throwing cantaloupe over the side of her high chair, I felt like it was ok to let her have a cookie. I know Cookie Monster retired so I feel it is now up to me to instill a lifelong love of cookies, and what better way to start than with a very basic cookie that actually tastes pretty good.
Well shame on me for not reading the ingredients at the store, but guess what cheap-ass Gerber uses to sweeten their Arrowroot Cookies? Not only is sugar listed as an ingredient, but so is our old friend, high fructose corn syrup (heretofore referred to as HFCS). My question would be why if I didn’t already know the answer. It is cheaper than sugar, and Gerber wouldn’t want the destruction of the American child’s palate to interfere with their profit margin.
For those of you who need more info on HFCS, I will refer you to wikipedia and not bore you with the gruesome details. Instead I will provide a visual aide:
Corn Syrup
 Mark McGwire, 1987
High Fructose Corn Syrup
 Mark McGwire, 1998
You might remember that big Agri-business ran a series of ads to despell the myth that HFCS was bad for you. I remember seeing one, at first I thought it was an ad for herpes medicine. An attractive young couple was riding bikes and then settling in for lunch in a beautiful meadow. The guy (typical clueless male dolt) suggested that the beverage his gf (or whatever) offered was bad because it had HFCS in it. Startled, she set his sorry ass straight. Case closed, right? I mean, if a commercial says it, it has to be true. Wrong. Any product that has to buy ad time to tell you that it isn’t bad for you, is bad for you. It reminded me of former Senator Larry Craig, the Minneapolis airport bathroom guy. If you have to stand up in front of a huge crowd to tell them that you aren’t gay, clearly you are gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
My overarching quarrel with HFCS is that products that use it either a) do not need it or b) do not taste as good as those that use sugar. Take bread for example. Go to your local megamart and check out the ingredients in the bread aisle. Most pre-sliced popular bread choices use HFCS. Why? I’m not a baker or a breadoligist but I do know that you can sweeten bread with honey or molasses and you will gain tons of flavor. It makes sense. Unless your accountants are choosing ingredients for you. As for argument b, I submit to you the “throwback” Pepsi that we see in stores. Why do this? Why did Coca-Cola taste better when I was a kid? They used real sugar…
Now, you will read studies from the braniacs at whatever institution decides to study obesity that particular week, and they will blame HFCS as well as sugar for a lot of our nation’s obesity problems. I’m not going to argue, but for the record, in almost all cases weight gain/loss is based on caloric intake versus output. To me, HFCS is just another fake sugar substitute, but a poor one in that it provides no caloric benefit. It’s worse than Splenda or Nutra-Sweet or (blech) Sweet-n-low because you are piling on empty calories every time you drink a beverage with HFCS. And I don’t give a shit if anyone says I’m inaccurate or don’t understand the science. I’m going Colbert on this one, my gut tells me I’m right and I’m sticking with it.
Now, I’m well aware from the e-mail I get that we have a considerable fan base among farmers that grow corn. All I can say to you is ethanol! My beef isn’t with you, anyway. Which brings me back to Gerber. I’m not expecting a change, and though you are a Michigan based company it is with a heavy heart that I say, in the eloquent words of former Vice-President Dick Cheney, go fuck yourself. I’ve already switched to Sprout when I buy baby food, and have no intention of buying your crappy products anymore.
There is a difference between sweetening soda with HFCS, and sweetening toddler arrowroot cookies with HFCS. If corporate America wants to roll this way, than it is my duty to call you out whenever I feel moved to do so. According to the Supreme Court, a corporation has the same rights as individuals, which I call bullshit for one obvious reason: I can’t punch a corporation in the face. But I can unleash the might of WordPress on you, you bastards. Stings a bit, doesn’t it Gerber?
To summarize, I’m going to be more diligent checking ingredients in the future. I’m going to start shopping at Whole Foods more often even though it is inconvenient and expensive. I’m going to continue to lob insults and profanities at companies that insist on putting HFCS in every damn product that used to contain sugar as the sole sweetener. And (gasp) I might even bake my own cookies for my daughter. At least they will look better in her hair than mashed bananas.
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