I had to go to the mall, a place I try to avoid at all costs, the other day to have my iPod looked out by the too cool tech-geeks at the Apple Store, when I saw something that made me cringe in what was almost actual, physical pain. No, it wasn’t unfettered consumerism at its overpriced worst. It wasn’t bad mall food, as our local mall here in Ann Arbor actually boasts a couple of decent eateries: Sushi Café (yes, sushi at the mall and it is delicious) and Chipotle. It was a cupcake kiosk.
When did the cupcakes invade and why have we let them take over? A kiosk at the mall, a store devoted entirely to cupcakes just off Main Street in Ann Arbor, and my DirecTV has 250 channels, 90% of which are devoted to cupcakes all of the sudden. It seems I can’t go to a party or function without some too cute dessert with pink frosting staring at me.
This is what we are up against, my friends. Let's kill it before it has a chance to breed.
I don’t have anything against dessert, but I am more of a main course kind of person. The cookie will always hold a special place in my heart, but I’d take fried chicken or cheesy potatoes over dessert any day. So I ask again, what is the deal with cupcakes? They can certainly be delicious, but so are bacon smores and I don’t see kiosks at the mall for them. Besides, cupcakes suffer from many of the same issues as muffins do. The top is inevitably more delicious, but enveloping a full cupcake bite leads to frosting on the nose. Not a good look for a man. The solution is to lop the top off. I just don’t trust a dessert that needs to be mutilated to achieve full deliciousness.
The working theory I have about their popularity is that they are portable cakes, and if there is one thing we Americans love, it is portable, fattening, sugar-laden food. But they are also cute, which annoys the hell out of me. At my son’s school, every Mom had to be Sandra Lee and make some pink princess designed cupcake or Spiderman themed cupcake for their little snowflake’s birthday. (If they have to be Sandra Lee the least they could have done was bring cocktails for the adults, but I digress.) Call me a rebel, but I made chocolate chip cookies for my son’s kindergarten class on his birthday. And yes, I do bake when I have to, if I have to be a stay-at-home Dad you can damn well be sure I’m going to make some cookies. Delicious ones, too. Might as well fully embrace where life has taken me…
I was going to include a review of Cupcake Wars, but our friends at Would I Buy It Again did a solid, in depth review and I would rather direct you to their page than force myself to watch it. Besides, it surely would have been a hateful rant and I like to limit those, otherwise you will be desensitized to them. Can’t have that happen. As for cupcake shows, no thank you. I can’t stand Ace of Cakes either; Duff is actually pretty cool but baking shows in general are not on my list of things to watch. Ever. I even turn Alton Brown off when he is baking.
Just like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, let me warn all of the impeding invasion of the cupcakes. Maybe it is too late. Their saturation is close to critical mass. In the mean time, I’ll be in the corner with a bucket of fried chicken.
I’m pretty pissed off right now. Like, Mel Gibson not getting blown before the jacuzzi pissed. I was at the grocery store the other day and I noticed that Stouffer’s has some new Corner Bistro meal options that come with a stuffed melt and a bowl of soup. Perfect, right? I can’t think of a better lunch than soup and a sandwich. I decided to pick up three of the Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt with Loaded Baked Potato Soup options, mainly because they sounded and looked rather edible. Delicious, even.
Try reading this description and tell me it doesn’t sound like it would make your lunch break at work at least 38% better:
“Herb-topped focaccia bread filled with white meat chicken, bacon and swiss cheese and a buttermilk ranch sauce, paired with creamy loaded baked potato soup”
So today I decided I was in a soup and sandwich kind of mood and remembered the frozen dinners I had bought. Three short minutes in the microwave, and it was time to feast. To my complete dismay, this is what I found..
Stouffer's New Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt and Loaded Baked Potato Soup
At this point, I felt like punching Stouffer right in the face. What the hell kind of meal is this? The “stuffed melt” was the size of a deck of cards, and the “loaded” baked potato soup tasted like a bowl of cream with cheese and three ridiculously large slices of potato added to it. Thanks for reminding me that this is a potato based soup, Stouffer. Also, that bowl may look large in the picture but it has about the same depth as a petri dish.
Thanks a lot Stouffer. I’m not going to get into burying you in rose gardens or setting your house on fire or anything like that, but we are taking a break due to the shittyness that you put into this box and allowed to be sold to me at my local grocery store. I hope you feel bad for completely ruining my lunch.
I’m not usually one to complain about customer service. I’ve worked with the general public in retail positions since I was 15 and I understand people have bad days and its not the easiest thing in the world to deal with the general idiocracy that is the majority of the population these days. When I visit an establishment such as a restaurant, or a retail store, 90% of the time I can forgive mistakes and slip ups just because I’ve been in that position and I understand that not everyone is perfect. I’m definitely not perfect and I’ve made mistakes on the job. I’ve had bad days and my service has definitely suffered from it.
What I can’t take are establishments that consistently serve the public horribly and make customers expect terrible customer service from people like me who generally give a shit on a day to day basis. I’m not sure what it is but I’ve always cared about how people view me and how I am serving them. No matter the level of lunacy that people serve to me, I always try to serve them with as much respect and level headedness as possible. I’m not sure if that’s in my character or if it’s just common sense that is lost on certain people, but it seems that at certain places this concept is completely lost.
I would like to introduce you to the Taco Bell located on State St. in Ann Arbor, MI. This Taco Bell location is currently offering some of the worst customer service in the history of customer service. I may only be passionate enough to write about this because I’ve been drinking heavily and they just failed me for the 3948739473947th time, but goddamnit I’m angry and it’s time to bust some heads Epic Portions style.
There have been many occasions that this Taco Bell has embarrassed the fast food industry. You may be thinking about what a ridiculous statement that is, but seriously. This place is like the class where they send kids who can’t quite cut it in the slow class. It’s the trailer behind the school where they keep the kids who aren’t allowed to participate in standardized testing in fear that their scores alone may lead to the complete cuting of state funding for the entire school. Their interview process must involve a game of Pictionary followed by a game of rock paper scissors, with the loser gaining full time employment and full health benefits.
If you have 30-40 minutes to kill, pull right in and place an order. Guarantee you’ll be waiting for 50. If you’re sick of waiting, too bad. There are curbs on either side of you. You’re not going anywhere. Just in case that wait didn’t infuriate you enough, your order will be wrong and you’ll have to pull back around and wait again. It would be convenient to simply enter the dining room, but it’s currently being renovated. Time to either eat that fiesta salsa you didn’t want slathered all over your Grilled Stufft Burrito or scrape off the tomatoes and deal with that disgusting tomato residue. But wait, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. I have personally been witness to this Taco Bell being out of tortillas, beef, chicken, rice and beans. Keep in mind that all of these ingredients have been absent on separate occasions. What are you supposed to order at Taco Bell when they are out of hard and soft tortillas? Pintos and Cheese? That’s an appetizer.
I often wonder who serves as manager of this Taco Bell and why he hasn’t had crosses burning in his front lawn. I say this not because I’m a card carrying member of the KKK(i’m not), but because he deserves to have something burning on his front lawn and that was the most dramatic thing I could think of. Who hires these people? Who orders the supplies? It’s not just me who has dreamt up a hatred for this specific location, it’s general knowledge that this is the worst Taco Bell on the planet. It’s almost comedic how bad it is.
I welcome the residents of Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti to share your State St. Taco Bell stories as comments to this post. I have heard many, and I welcome a complete bitch session about the customer service that makes this place the Holocaust of fast food establishments.
Twitter
Facebook
Youtube
Flickr