Last August, I wrote this eloquent defense of Anthony Bourdain for his claim that Paula Deen is the most dangerous person in America.  I snickered over it, but in the end I said his comment was a little over the top.  I. Was.  Wrong.

When I got the news that Paula Deen has Type II diabetes, I wasn’t shocked, but also I felt no need to write about it.  It is a personal tragedy for her and I felt no need to be dickish about it.  Yes, the obvious jokes were there, but sometimes you let a softball or two go by.

Then I read this:  Deen is teaming up with Novo Nordisk (aka Big Pharma) to help sell their diabetes drugs.  The rant had come forward after that.  The anger was bubbling up inside me like two sticks of butter in a hot sauté pan.  Fuck you, Paula Deen.  Your butter and grease soaked recipes give you diabetes and the best you come up with is shilling for Novo Nordisk’s once a day anti-diabetes crack?

Shockingly, she doesn’t blame her condition on her diet.  She faults genetics, lifestyle, stress, and age.  She says her “yummy, fattening recipes” are “part of the puzzle.”  If by that she means a puzzle with one piece, then yes, it is indeed part of the puzzle.

My favorite comment of hers is when she claims that she tells people to eat in “moderation” and that she has “always eaten in moderation.”  Are we supposed to be able to keep a straight face while she says this?  Do you remember the show where she says, “Remember to eat my pecan chewies in moderation, y’all!”

So, aside from being full of a lifetime of butter and grease, Paula Deen is also completely full of shit.  Sorry if I’m late to the party on this one…

Let me spell it out for her:

Dear Ms. Deen,

When your “yummy, fattening” recipes give you diabetes you can respond one of two appropriate ways.  1)  Make a public statement, claim that it is a private, personal matter and go about your business.  2)  Realize that you could also be hurting other people, and run to Jamie Oliver screaming for redemption.  Or you can go with option 3) Profit off your illness by being the spokesmoron for diabetes drugs.  Guess which choice gets you a vitriolic rant from Epic Portions?

For her refusal to acknowledge that her recipes are pure, butter-laden evil, and for profiting off her illness while others will get sick, I hereby declare Paula Deen The Most Dangerous Person in America. 

(Unless you are a dog, in which case that dubious distinction goes to Mitt Romney).

It’s been a while, but I’m ready to rant.  In case you are late to the party, you probably know I’m a stay at home Dad.  I deserve no accolades for taking care of my own children, nor is what I do the most important job in the world.  I wish people would spare me the condescension.  Another thing I can do without is the constant Mommy worship that goes unfettered, while Dads are usually portrayed as buffoonish, bumbling morons.  Just in case you didn’t know, there are some pretty shitty Moms out there.  Whether or not you think Casey Anthony is guilty of murder, there is evidence beyond a reasonable doubt that she was a shitty Mom.

How does this tie in to food?   I am sick the fuck of the Mom oriented food marketing that passes off as acceptable advertising.  Don Draper would be rolling over is his grave because of this shit.  Choosy Mom’s choose Jif?  Way to piss off half the population, Jif.  Choosy Dads say go fuck yourself and buy something else.  Robitussin is recommended by Dr. Mom?  Tell Dr. Mom she can prescribe me some Xanax and keep her crappy cough syrup to her self.

But today, while I was shopping at Plum Market, the worst offender was staring me right in the face—a cereal called Mom’s Best.  Mom’s Best is one of these “we save the earth” companies that get all wet and tingly because their executive washroom is powered by officiousness.  I don’t appreciate the name of their company.  Mom’s Best?  It doesn’t even properly apply to cereal…

I mean, Mom’s Best cornbread?  Sure.  Mom’s Best fried chicken?  Sign me up.  But cereal?  Does anyone have memories of their Mom making cereal?  If anyone reading this has one single memory of their Mom making cereal for the family, please let me know.  My Mom made all kinds of remarkably delicious breakfast treats.  Mom’s Best French toast, Mom’s Best omelets, Mom’s Best crispy bacon on the griddle.   Mmmmmmm, crispy bacon on the griddle…

So, while Mom’s Best may make a fine cereal, you can be damn sure that this Dad will be leaving it on the shelf.  If I want to feel smug about my cereal purchases, I’ll buy Kashi from now on.

Of course, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong angle.  Perhaps it is time for a line of Dad’s Best products.  Dad’s Best whiskey.  Dad’s Best potato chips.  My personal favorite would be Dad’s Best Pregenancy Tests.  If the man is smiling, you aren’t pregnant.

We, here at Epic Portions, are always looking for great bacon recipes.  Seriously, the more ridiculous the better.  Wrap an oven mitt in bacon.  I’ll probably read about it.  Bacon just adds a level of craziness to any dish that can not be rivaled by any other food.  Today, I am happy to share, I found the craziest, most ridiculous, and fattest bacon recipe I have ever come across.  The sheer letters on my computer screen brought a tear to my eye.  It was like when Columbus stole America from the people who actually found it, only better.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Rachel Ray’s Late Night Bacon.  Be careful re-creating this, or your arteries may explode.

• Ingredients
  • 8 slices of Bacon.

• Directions
  • Place 2 sheets of paper towel on a microwave safe plate, lay the bacon out on the paper towel not over lapping the slices. Place 2 more sheets of paper towel on top. Place in the microwave on high for 6 to 13 minutes.

OK.  If you are a little confused about the first paragraph of this post, let me clarify.  I was being sarcastic.  This recipe is actually posted on Food Network’s website AND was on TV.  Don’t believe me?  Click any of the words that are underlined.  That’s called in a link.  That’s right, Food Network dedicated precious air time to Rachel Ray pulling out 8 slices of bacon, placing them on paper towel, then microwaving them for 6-13 minutes.  Then, someone ran to their web designer and said “WE GOTTA HAVE THIS BACON RECIPE ON THE INTERWEBZ!”

Seriously.

I know Jeremy is normally in charge of the Epic Portions Guy Fieri Hatred Department, but I thought he was slacking a little bit on his campaign to snuff out all things Fieri.  As far as I’m concerned, the public should be reminded exactly how stupid this man is on at least a monthly basis.

In this installment of Guy Fieri hatred, I will provide you with a few Fieri Facts that are absolutely 100% true.  Some of them may appear made up, but I promise you they are completely real.  If you are a Guy Fieri fan, I hope helps your problem.

• Guy describes his bleached, spiky hair look as “kulinary gangsta”. Don’t believe me?  Think your blonde haired chef buddy is way too awesome to ever utter the words “kulinary gangsta”?  Well, fortunately Guy had it tattooed on his forearm.  Observe:

• He has a recipe currently on the Foot Network’s website called No Can Beato This Taquito. I hear the California Coalition for Immigration Reform needs a cook for their next anti-Mexican fundraiser.
• His real name is Guy Ramsay Ferry.  No, his real name is not Fieri, it’s Ferry.  It was legally changed to “Fieri” in 1995.
• He owns a lifted golf cart with a stereo, big tires and is equipped with nitro.

That’s all for now.  Just didn’t want our readers to forget Epic Portions’ on going war against the douchery that is Guy Fieri.  Err, I mean Guy Ferry.  The kulinary gangsta that rides yellow golf carts with big wheels.  Awesome.

For those of you that have seen Food, Inc., or read Fast Food Nation, you may remember pretty horrendous descriptions of how chicken’s are raised in the United States on factory farms.  Antibiotics are typically used primarily because chickens are housed so close together that they can’t actually move around.

This sucks for all us chicken lovers; have you ever had free range chicken?  My goodness gracious it is delicious!  Less stress, hormones, and antibiotics makes for better chicken.  Anyone that tells you different probably doesn’t cook much.  Unfortunately, free range chicken is expensive. Chicken is expensive on its own, but free range chicken is even more expensive than that.  Why?  Well – there isn’t THAT much demand for it.  Well, that all may now be changing. Rather than endure California style chicken law, producers in Ohio have started negotiating with animal rights activists to get a gradual transition to slightly more human chicken farming.

It’s gonna take a while, but this looks like progress.  Or is it?  I’m interested in what our readers think!

I had to go to the mall, a place I try to avoid at all costs, the other day to have my iPod looked out by the too cool tech-geeks at the Apple Store, when I saw something that made me cringe in what was almost actual, physical pain.  No, it wasn’t unfettered consumerism at its overpriced worst.  It wasn’t bad mall food, as our local mall here in Ann Arbor actually boasts a couple of decent eateries:  Sushi Café (yes, sushi at the mall and it is delicious) and Chipotle.  It was a cupcake kiosk.

When did the cupcakes invade and why have we let them take over?  A kiosk at the mall, a store devoted entirely to cupcakes just off Main Street in Ann Arbor, and my DirecTV has 250 channels, 90% of which are devoted to cupcakes all of the sudden.  It seems I can’t go to a party or function without some too cute dessert with pink frosting staring at me.

This is what we are up against, my friends. Let's kill it before it has a chance to breed.

I don’t have anything against dessert, but I am more of a main course kind of person.  The cookie will always hold a special place in my heart, but I’d take fried chicken or cheesy potatoes over dessert any day.  So I ask again, what is the deal with cupcakes?  They can certainly be delicious, but so are bacon smores and I don’t see kiosks at the mall for them.  Besides, cupcakes suffer from many of the same issues as muffins do.  The top is inevitably more delicious, but enveloping a full cupcake bite leads to frosting on the nose.  Not a good look for a man.  The solution is to lop the top off.  I just don’t trust a dessert that needs to be mutilated to achieve full deliciousness.

The working theory I have about their popularity is that they are portable cakes, and if there is one thing we Americans love, it is portable, fattening, sugar-laden food.  But they are also cute, which annoys the hell out of me.  At my son’s school, every Mom had to be Sandra Lee and make some pink princess designed cupcake or Spiderman themed cupcake for their little snowflake’s birthday.  (If they have to be Sandra Lee the least they could have done was bring cocktails for the adults, but I digress.)  Call me a rebel, but I made chocolate chip cookies for my son’s kindergarten class on his birthday.  And yes, I do bake when I have to, if I have to be a stay-at-home Dad you can damn well be sure I’m going to make some cookies.  Delicious ones, too.  Might as well fully embrace where life has taken me…

I was going to include a review of Cupcake Wars, but our friends at Would I Buy It Again did a solid, in depth review and I would rather direct you to their page than force myself to watch it.  Besides, it surely would have been a hateful rant and I like to limit those, otherwise you will be desensitized to them.  Can’t have that happen.  As for cupcake shows, no thank you.  I can’t stand Ace of Cakes either; Duff is actually pretty cool but baking shows in general are not on my list of things to watch.  Ever.  I even turn Alton Brown off when he is baking.

Just like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, let me warn all of the impeding invasion of the cupcakes.  Maybe it is too late.  Their saturation is close to critical mass.  In the mean time, I’ll be in the corner with a bucket of fried chicken.

I’m pretty pissed off right now.  Like, Mel Gibson not getting blown before the jacuzzi pissed.  I was at the grocery store the other day and I noticed that Stouffer’s has some new Corner Bistro meal options that come with a stuffed melt and a bowl of soup.  Perfect, right?  I can’t think of a better lunch than soup and a sandwich.  I decided to pick up three of the Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt with Loaded Baked Potato Soup options, mainly because they sounded and looked rather edible.  Delicious, even.

Try reading this description and tell me it doesn’t sound like it would make your lunch break at work at least 38% better:

“Herb-topped focaccia bread filled with white meat chicken, bacon and swiss cheese and a buttermilk ranch sauce, paired with creamy loaded baked potato soup”

So today I decided I was in a soup and sandwich kind of mood and remembered the frozen dinners I had bought.  Three short minutes in the microwave, and it was time to feast.  To my complete dismay, this is what I found..

Stouffer's New Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt and Loaded Baked Potato Soup

At this point, I felt like punching Stouffer right in the face.  What the hell kind of meal is this?  The “stuffed melt” was the size of a deck of cards, and the “loaded” baked potato soup tasted like a bowl of cream with cheese and three ridiculously large slices of potato added to it.  Thanks for reminding me that this is a potato based soup, Stouffer.  Also, that bowl may look large in the picture but it has about the same depth as a petri dish.

Thanks a lot Stouffer.  I’m not going to get into burying you in rose gardens or setting your house on fire or anything like that, but we are taking a break due to the shittyness that you put into this box and allowed to be sold to me at my local grocery store.  I hope you feel bad for completely ruining my lunch.