I had to go to the mall, a place I try to avoid at all costs, the other day to have my iPod looked out by the too cool tech-geeks at the Apple Store, when I saw something that made me cringe in what was almost actual, physical pain.  No, it wasn’t unfettered consumerism at its overpriced worst.  It wasn’t bad mall food, as our local mall here in Ann Arbor actually boasts a couple of decent eateries:  Sushi Café (yes, sushi at the mall and it is delicious) and Chipotle.  It was a cupcake kiosk.

When did the cupcakes invade and why have we let them take over?  A kiosk at the mall, a store devoted entirely to cupcakes just off Main Street in Ann Arbor, and my DirecTV has 250 channels, 90% of which are devoted to cupcakes all of the sudden.  It seems I can’t go to a party or function without some too cute dessert with pink frosting staring at me.

This is what we are up against, my friends. Let's kill it before it has a chance to breed.

I don’t have anything against dessert, but I am more of a main course kind of person.  The cookie will always hold a special place in my heart, but I’d take fried chicken or cheesy potatoes over dessert any day.  So I ask again, what is the deal with cupcakes?  They can certainly be delicious, but so are bacon smores and I don’t see kiosks at the mall for them.  Besides, cupcakes suffer from many of the same issues as muffins do.  The top is inevitably more delicious, but enveloping a full cupcake bite leads to frosting on the nose.  Not a good look for a man.  The solution is to lop the top off.  I just don’t trust a dessert that needs to be mutilated to achieve full deliciousness.

The working theory I have about their popularity is that they are portable cakes, and if there is one thing we Americans love, it is portable, fattening, sugar-laden food.  But they are also cute, which annoys the hell out of me.  At my son’s school, every Mom had to be Sandra Lee and make some pink princess designed cupcake or Spiderman themed cupcake for their little snowflake’s birthday.  (If they have to be Sandra Lee the least they could have done was bring cocktails for the adults, but I digress.)  Call me a rebel, but I made chocolate chip cookies for my son’s kindergarten class on his birthday.  And yes, I do bake when I have to, if I have to be a stay-at-home Dad you can damn well be sure I’m going to make some cookies.  Delicious ones, too.  Might as well fully embrace where life has taken me…

I was going to include a review of Cupcake Wars, but our friends at Would I Buy It Again did a solid, in depth review and I would rather direct you to their page than force myself to watch it.  Besides, it surely would have been a hateful rant and I like to limit those, otherwise you will be desensitized to them.  Can’t have that happen.  As for cupcake shows, no thank you.  I can’t stand Ace of Cakes either; Duff is actually pretty cool but baking shows in general are not on my list of things to watch.  Ever.  I even turn Alton Brown off when he is baking.

Just like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, let me warn all of the impeding invasion of the cupcakes.  Maybe it is too late.  Their saturation is close to critical mass.  In the mean time, I’ll be in the corner with a bucket of fried chicken.

I’m pretty pissed off right now.  Like, Mel Gibson not getting blown before the jacuzzi pissed.  I was at the grocery store the other day and I noticed that Stouffer’s has some new Corner Bistro meal options that come with a stuffed melt and a bowl of soup.  Perfect, right?  I can’t think of a better lunch than soup and a sandwich.  I decided to pick up three of the Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt with Loaded Baked Potato Soup options, mainly because they sounded and looked rather edible.  Delicious, even.

Try reading this description and tell me it doesn’t sound like it would make your lunch break at work at least 38% better:

“Herb-topped focaccia bread filled with white meat chicken, bacon and swiss cheese and a buttermilk ranch sauce, paired with creamy loaded baked potato soup”

So today I decided I was in a soup and sandwich kind of mood and remembered the frozen dinners I had bought.  Three short minutes in the microwave, and it was time to feast.  To my complete dismay, this is what I found..

Stouffer's New Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt and Loaded Baked Potato Soup

At this point, I felt like punching Stouffer right in the face.  What the hell kind of meal is this?  The “stuffed melt” was the size of a deck of cards, and the “loaded” baked potato soup tasted like a bowl of cream with cheese and three ridiculously large slices of potato added to it.  Thanks for reminding me that this is a potato based soup, Stouffer.  Also, that bowl may look large in the picture but it has about the same depth as a petri dish.

Thanks a lot Stouffer.  I’m not going to get into burying you in rose gardens or setting your house on fire or anything like that, but we are taking a break due to the shittyness that you put into this box and allowed to be sold to me at my local grocery store.  I hope you feel bad for completely ruining my lunch.

I’m not usually one to complain about customer service.  I’ve worked with the general public in retail positions since I was 15 and I understand people have bad days and its not the easiest thing in the world to deal with the general idiocracy that is the majority of the population these days.  When I visit an establishment such as a restaurant, or a retail store, 90% of the time I can forgive mistakes and slip ups just because I’ve been in that position and I understand that not everyone is perfect.  I’m definitely not perfect and I’ve made mistakes on the job.  I’ve had bad days and my service has definitely suffered from it.

What I can’t take are establishments that consistently serve the public horribly and make customers expect terrible customer service from people like me who generally give a shit on a day to day basis.  I’m not sure what it is but I’ve always cared about how people view me and how I am serving them.  No matter the level of lunacy that people serve to me, I always try to serve them with as much respect and level headedness as possible.  I’m not sure if that’s in my character or if it’s just common sense that is lost on certain people, but it seems that at certain places this concept is completely lost.

I would like to introduce you to the Taco Bell located on State St. in Ann Arbor, MI.  This Taco Bell location is currently offering some of the worst customer service in the history of customer service.  I may only be passionate enough to write about this because I’ve been drinking heavily and they just failed me for the 3948739473947th time, but goddamnit I’m angry and it’s time to bust some heads Epic Portions style.

There have been many occasions that this Taco Bell has embarrassed the fast food industry.  You may be thinking about what a ridiculous statement that is, but seriously.  This place is like the class where they send kids who can’t quite cut it in the slow class.  It’s the trailer behind the school where they keep the kids who aren’t allowed to participate in standardized testing in fear that their scores alone may lead to the complete cuting of state funding for the entire school.  Their interview process must involve a game of Pictionary followed by a game of rock paper scissors, with the loser gaining full time employment and full health benefits.

If you have 30-40 minutes to kill, pull right in and place an order.  Guarantee you’ll be waiting for 50.  If you’re sick of waiting, too bad.  There are curbs on either side of you.  You’re not going anywhere.  Just in case that wait didn’t infuriate you enough, your order will be wrong and you’ll have to pull back around and wait again.  It would be convenient to simply enter the dining room, but it’s currently being renovated.  Time to either eat that fiesta salsa you didn’t want slathered all over your Grilled Stufft Burrito or scrape off the tomatoes and deal with that disgusting tomato residue.  But wait, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  I have personally been witness to this Taco Bell being out of tortillas, beef, chicken, rice and beans.  Keep in mind that all of these ingredients have been absent on separate occasions.  What are you supposed to order at Taco Bell when they are out of hard and soft tortillas?  Pintos and Cheese?  That’s an appetizer.

I often wonder who serves as manager of this Taco Bell and why he hasn’t had crosses burning in his front lawn.  I say this not because I’m a card carrying member of the KKK(i’m not), but because he deserves to have something burning on his front lawn and that was the most dramatic thing I could think of.  Who hires these people?   Who orders the supplies?   It’s not just me who has dreamt up a hatred for this specific location, it’s general knowledge that this is the worst Taco Bell on the planet.  It’s almost comedic how bad it is.

I welcome the residents of Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti to share your State St. Taco Bell stories as comments to this post.   I have heard many, and I welcome a complete bitch session about the customer service that makes this place the Holocaust of fast food establishments.

Every now and then you read a study from a research university that just seems completely pointless.  One study (source = Newsweek) recently that said people who are not considered attractive have “less chance of getting married.”  Wow!  Did they have a team of brain-dead chimps work on that?

Now comes another pointless study in that vein from our fellow Big Ten (going on Big 16) brethren Penn State.  Known as the home of meteorologists, Beaver Stadium, and a football coach who fought at Gettysburg, Penn State set their formidable research talents on soda consumption among children.

It turns out (shockingly!) that girls who consume soda at age five are not as well nourished as girls who do not.  Seriously.  Not only did they engage in the most useless study ever, they tracked these girls for TEN YEARS!  You know, just in case soda consumption turned out to be a positive dietary aspect.  One of the more shocking revelations from this study is that the soda drinkers had an increased sugar intake.  Thank goodness for higher education.

Don’t take this as Penn State bashing, I’ve been to State College and from what I remember I had an outstanding time.  The campus is beautiful and I love the old school football uniforms.  But please, devote your research time and money to something a little less obvious next time.  Why don’t they next study what it is about Guy Fieri that people like and find a way to remove that gene.  For the sake of all humanity.

Since I am currently in the middle of an intense boycott of Tios’ Mexican Cafe, there has never been a way for me to share with the readers who do not reside in Ann Arbor the absolute horror that is their food.  That ends now.  Some poor soul went and paid $10.00 for one of their world famous* wet burritos and snapped a picture of it.  (thanks uchian)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tios’ Mexican Cafe’s world famous* wet burrito.

World Famously Terrible

Now all we need is for the Ann Arbor location to go under.  Hmm, wonder if they’ll blame the new location going out of business on Ann Arbor’s economy like they did after the Ypsilanti one closed.  It couldn’t possibly be that the food is awful.  No way.

If you’re unfamiliar with my hatred for Tios Mexican Cafe, I urge you to review the battle archives.

• Tios – A Rant (May 13, 2009)
• Tios Recieves a Good Review???? (August 5, 2009)
• Dear Tios, You Suck (November 20, 2009)
• Tios.  Torn Down. (December 9, 2009)
• Tios.  Torn Down.  Part 2.  (December 29, 2009)
• Mission Accomplished (March 23, 2010)

* – denotes bullshit

This week should have been a typical week.  Take my son to kindergarten.  Play with my daughter.  Make dinner for family.  Wrap dead fish in newspaper and mail to Food Network.

Wait, ok, that last part is somewhat atypical.  While, like most people, I do mail the occasional dead fish to someone who has grieved me in some way, this would mark only the second time I have sent one to the Food Network.  I really don’t want to get into the first time, as there was some, shall we say, unpleasantness.  Let me just tell you that if you are going to send a dead fish to Sandra Lee, do not include your return address.  Amateur mistake.

It wasn't me Sandra, I swear. It was Rahm Emmanuel!

You see, every afternoon at 3:30 after I pick my son up from school, I like to turn on FN just to see what Tyler Florence is making.  Sometimes I turn it right off, but every now and then he has a great menu on his show, Tyler’s Ultimate.  One nice thing about FN (and believe me, other than Alton Brown, there probably is only one other nice thing) is that it is age appropriate programming.  The only time FN is inappropriate is for 12-14 year old males during Everyday Italian.

So what did our clueless amigos at FN do?  They moved him to 11am (dead zone time) to occupy Michael Chiarello’s old time slot.  As a side note, I always liked Easy Entertaining, it was like spending part of the morning in Napa, and Mike is a pretty damn good chef. 

You'd be this happy too if you lived in Napa, had a basket of wine and were leaving Food Network

I know what you are saying.  Hardly reason to send a dead fish, right.  True.  Read on…

Guess who is on at 3:30 now?  I won’t keep you in suspense, it is Anne Burrell.  You are either saying who the fuck is that, or throwing up in your mouth.  Who likes her?  Anyone?  Perhaps there is an Anne Burrell fan club out there ready to attack me like the Guy Fieri mafia.  I doubt it.  Her show, Secrets of a Restaurant Chef  is, to put it simply, awful.  I know Tyler Florence isn’t exactly Mr. Excitement but at least he was watchable.

It gets better.  What genius thought it was a good idea to put Anne on right after Guy’s Big Bite?  Not only are you cramming two of the worst personalities FN has to offer into the same hour, but are you oblivious to the fact that they look almost exactly alike?  I expect there will be a lot of confused soccer moms.  I’m tired of FN propping up utterly loathsome personalities.  From Guy Fieri, to Anne Burrell, to Alex Guarnaschelli, it just keeps getting worse and worse.

Anne Burrell

Guy Fieri, sans glasses

As it stands now, aside from EPIE research, my FN viewing is down to Good Eats and sometimes Chopped.  The day Alton Brown leaves will be the end of the line for me and Food Network.

So…they get a dead fish.  Oh yeah, and also because the show The Best Thing I Ever Ate is self-indulgent garbage. 

The best part of this story is that I threw in a bottle of ancho chili powder along with the fish, hoping to entice Bobby Flay to be a big show off and try to cook it.  Joke is on him, I let that thing sit in the sun for three days; it has more bacteria in it than all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses combined.

Come to think of it, I just thought of a helpful way to help El Tigre defeat his sex addiction problem.  Carry a picture of Anne Burrell around with you at ALL TIMES.  That’ll keep your driver in the bag.

(OK, that was really mean, even for me.  If I ever meet Anne Burrell she has permission to punch me.)

Guy Fieri, serious chef or buffoonish clown?

The game show.  The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers.  And who can argue with them?  There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses.  Now, it only takes a quick perusal of network tv to find some worthless piece of dreck that kills more brain cells in an hour than a weekend in Amsterdam.

Why write about game shows on a food website?  Perceptive question.  Please indulge me as to how we have arrived at this unfortunate place.  Last week, between watching the inspiring visage of Lindsey Vonn and the glorious competition known as Curling, I caught one of NBC’s ridiculous new show promos.  Was it Law and Order:  Restaurant Health Inspector?  A new sitcom about a mismatched pair of ex-cops (starring Don Johnson and Edward James Olmos) who open a pizzeria in Miami called Miami Slice?  No, it was much worse, my friends.  It was a game show called A Minute to Win it.  Apparently people without lives are called on to engage in an act of stupidity for one minute so they can win money.  What makes this so appalling?  The host is none other than our old friend, Guy Fieri.

We’ve had some fun with Guy here at EP.  If you are a quasi-regular reader you probably know we don’t think very highly of Guy.  In our opinion he is a buffoonish cartoon character.  When he was nominated for an EPIE Award for worst male personality, there was a howl of indignation from a small but vocal minority.  He didn’t win, thanks to the general asshattery of Bobby Flay, but poor Guy shouldn’t get too complacent, there is always next year.

What are you, Guy?  Are you a chef or a clown?  Was there a cooler version of you from 10 years ago, that if offered a time machine would travel into the future to kick your butt for even thinking about hosting a game show?  I have to say that all signs point to you being a clown.  And that is sad.  I didn’t care when you did commercials for TGI Fridays.  You want to make a little extra money before your 15 minutes expire, go for it, at least it was food related.  I won’t judge you for that.  But you can be damn sure that I will judge you for hosting a game show.

You see, Guy puts forth a certain image.  He has a few tats, he has spikey hair, and he wears his sunglasses in an unorthodox manner.  I suppose one could say that if he wears a clown suit, why is it wrong for him to behave like one?  The answer is simple; there are chefs out there with spikey hair, tats and unorthodox sunglass wearing methods who aren’t clowns.  They have style, they have flava.  They deserve better than being compared to Guy the Game Show Host.  Now, thanks to Guy Fieri they will be seen as not being serious chefs, fodder for poorly paid food bloggers to expose in overlong rants.

So again, why should we here at Epic Portions take Guy seriously if he doesn’t?  Beneath his exterior, I’m sure Guy fancies himself a serious chef.  Well guess what, by hosting a game show you no longer qualify as a serious chef, Guy.  Enjoy taking a big bite out of the raw cassava that is celebrity, it will poison you long after your game show and triple D days are over.

To those who were upset with our EPIE nom for worst personality for Guy, I throw down the gauntlet to you.  Defend this.  Make yourself watch the game show (make it quick, it probably won’t last long) and defend him.  I bet he throws out the same tired one-liners he has been saying since he started.

You are old and busted Guy, Adam Richman is the new hotness.  Someday you will have to head back to your restaurant to regain respectability.  But remember, your sous chef, line cooks, and dishwashers are laughing at you, not with you.