New on Blue Tractor’s menu… 1/2 lb patty topped with pulled pork, bacon, smoked cheddar, and fried jalapeño chips.

I need this.  That’s in bold because I really need it. Add this to the list of things you will see me eat very soon.

I love Jerusalem Garden’s lentil soup.  It’s like having a bowl of heaven and each bite is full of angels. That actually incredibly sacrilegious and even disgusting, but I swear there’s no other way to describe the taste.  It’s incredible.  I’m currently in talks with several companies about obtaining bowl big enough to fill with lentil soup and bathe in it. Photographic documentation will follow.

Me and Coco aka That Guy aka co-host of the Coco and Warhammer Show went over to Bagger Dave’s for some burgers the other day. There’s one right down the street from our work and I had never been, despite hearing mostly good things.  Apparently this location is one of three, with all of them being Michigan based.  A guy who owns a bunch of Buffalo Wild Wings decided he wanted to open a gourmet burger joint in Berkely a few years ago with the hopes that it would catch on and become a chain.  Not a bad idea.  With the exception of the obvious hole in the wall burger joints, Michigan lacked any kind of gourmet burger establishment until Five Guys started moving in recently.  With the two additional Bagger Dave’s locations being added since 2008, it looks like the idea is working so far.

Before I walked in I was expecting a mostly carry out based burger joint.  The place is actually more of a sit down restaurant(100+ seats) with a pretty solid(mostly local) beer selection.  There’s flat screen TVs and a mini train set that constantly runs around the top perimeter of the restaurant.  It doesn’t really have the feel of a burger joint, but it’s a comfortable, yet different, environment.

"Amazingly Delicious" Turkey Black Bean Chili

I started off with the “amazingly delicious” turkey black bean chili, mainly because of the whole “amazingly delicious” proclamation.  If you’re going to say something on your menu is that delicious, then damnit it better be.  I’m not usually a “substitute turkey for other meat” kind of guy, but like I said, the menu says amazingly delicious.  I had to put it to the test.  Gotta say, stuff is legit.  I can usually tell when things are made from turkey.  It just has a weird taste to me.  This was delicious, and had a good amount of spice.  Despite the fact that a bowl is $4.00+, I would have to recommend that you get some of this before your burger.

Create Your Own Burger

For my burger, I felt that there was no other choice for me than to create my own.  There are a many options on the actual menu, but come on.  How much fun is that?   The thin patties start out in the open kitchen at 3.5 ounces — one costs $3.29 and two $4.29 (turkey burgers are a dollar more) and come in a plain, sesame or whole wheat roll or sourdough bread. For 75 cents you can add one of six kinds of cheese, and for $1 you can add on “premium” topping of fries, fried egg, guacamole, bacon or that delicious turkey black bean chili.  Bagger Dave’s also offers 16 “meaningless free toppings” that range from ketchup and lettuce to sautéed mushrooms, Cajun spice and green peppers.

The burgers are advertised as hand-crafted from lean ground beef that is never frozen.   The burgers are all cooked medium-well, which is always troubling to me.   The result is a smaller patty that was actually a little dry for my tastes. I felt like the condiments and add ons made the burger, not the actual patty.  I feel like if you’re opening a restaurant that specializes in burgers, your patty should stand out even without a single condiment.  These didn’t.

I will say that my creation, with a hell of a lot of toppings, was absolutely delicious.  I went with a plain bun and two regular beef patties with pepper jack cheese, Santa Fe chipolte sauce, a fried egg, applewood bacon, mayo, and Cajun spice. Like I said, the beef is pretty average but the slop on top made it into a solid burger.  Check this guy out.

Not anything amazing, but pretty solid.  Expect to pay about 12 bucks per person if you’re getting a drink, fries/chili, and a burger.  A little steep for burgers and fries, you’re getting a lot more than that if you’re creating your own burger.

I’m not usually one to complain about customer service.  I’ve worked with the general public in retail positions since I was 15 and I understand people have bad days and its not the easiest thing in the world to deal with the general idiocracy that is the majority of the population these days.  When I visit an establishment such as a restaurant, or a retail store, 90% of the time I can forgive mistakes and slip ups just because I’ve been in that position and I understand that not everyone is perfect.  I’m definitely not perfect and I’ve made mistakes on the job.  I’ve had bad days and my service has definitely suffered from it.

What I can’t take are establishments that consistently serve the public horribly and make customers expect terrible customer service from people like me who generally give a shit on a day to day basis.  I’m not sure what it is but I’ve always cared about how people view me and how I am serving them.  No matter the level of lunacy that people serve to me, I always try to serve them with as much respect and level headedness as possible.  I’m not sure if that’s in my character or if it’s just common sense that is lost on certain people, but it seems that at certain places this concept is completely lost.

I would like to introduce you to the Taco Bell located on State St. in Ann Arbor, MI.  This Taco Bell location is currently offering some of the worst customer service in the history of customer service.  I may only be passionate enough to write about this because I’ve been drinking heavily and they just failed me for the 3948739473947th time, but goddamnit I’m angry and it’s time to bust some heads Epic Portions style.

There have been many occasions that this Taco Bell has embarrassed the fast food industry.  You may be thinking about what a ridiculous statement that is, but seriously.  This place is like the class where they send kids who can’t quite cut it in the slow class.  It’s the trailer behind the school where they keep the kids who aren’t allowed to participate in standardized testing in fear that their scores alone may lead to the complete cuting of state funding for the entire school.  Their interview process must involve a game of Pictionary followed by a game of rock paper scissors, with the loser gaining full time employment and full health benefits.

If you have 30-40 minutes to kill, pull right in and place an order.  Guarantee you’ll be waiting for 50.  If you’re sick of waiting, too bad.  There are curbs on either side of you.  You’re not going anywhere.  Just in case that wait didn’t infuriate you enough, your order will be wrong and you’ll have to pull back around and wait again.  It would be convenient to simply enter the dining room, but it’s currently being renovated.  Time to either eat that fiesta salsa you didn’t want slathered all over your Grilled Stufft Burrito or scrape off the tomatoes and deal with that disgusting tomato residue.  But wait, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  I have personally been witness to this Taco Bell being out of tortillas, beef, chicken, rice and beans.  Keep in mind that all of these ingredients have been absent on separate occasions.  What are you supposed to order at Taco Bell when they are out of hard and soft tortillas?  Pintos and Cheese?  That’s an appetizer.

I often wonder who serves as manager of this Taco Bell and why he hasn’t had crosses burning in his front lawn.  I say this not because I’m a card carrying member of the KKK(i’m not), but because he deserves to have something burning on his front lawn and that was the most dramatic thing I could think of.  Who hires these people?   Who orders the supplies?   It’s not just me who has dreamt up a hatred for this specific location, it’s general knowledge that this is the worst Taco Bell on the planet.  It’s almost comedic how bad it is.

I welcome the residents of Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti to share your State St. Taco Bell stories as comments to this post.   I have heard many, and I welcome a complete bitch session about the customer service that makes this place the Holocaust of fast food establishments.

A few months ago I caught some hell for going to Blue Tractor BBQ & Brewery in Ann Arbor and ordering the Buffalo Mac & Cheese over some actual BBQ.  I felt that I owed it to people to actually try the ‘que and report on it.  Here you go, complainers.

Since January, I’ve been back to Blue Tractor twice and haven’t been disappointed either time.  The food has been solid both times and the only real bitch I have had was that that sweet tea was a little sub par, which isn’t a big deal because the alternative is their delicious selection of beer that is brewed in house.  I had a pint of their IPA and a pint of the Bock, which were both very drinkable.

They give you a little rack of three sauces, a vinegar based sauce, tomato based sauce, and a Texas style sauce.   I’m a Carolina style vinegar sauce man myself, but the other two were definitely acceptable on my table.  If you’re a BBQ joint you HAVE to leave me more than one flavor of sauce for my disposal.  If not, your BBQ is dead to me.

If I had one more bitch it would be that they don’t have any kind of combination options.  Most BBQ joints give you the options such as a half slab of ribs and pulled pork with your choice of two sides.  Everything at Blue Tractor is set for you, with one ‘que option and restaurant designated sides.  I was incredibly disapointed to learn that a side of Mac & Cheese is $5.00.   This needs to be changed!  I need options, damnit!

The last time I went I decided to go with the beef brisket.  It just seemed right.  Brisket is very close to my heart and I figured this would be the perfect way to find out if the place was legit or not.  The brisket is braised in the vinegar sauce and served over buttermilk mashed potatoes.  The meal also comes with seasonal vegetables.  It’s sliced very thin so you can’t get much taste of whatever rub they use, but the tenderness of the meat is perfect.  The beef literally melts in your mouth and requires very little chewing.  The amount of fat on the beef was perfect, as well.  All in all, solid work on the brisket.  The buttermilk mashed potatoes, unfortunately, were average.  If you’re going to make buttermilk mashed potatoes you’re obviously not attempting to make anything healthy, which means they should be rich and delicious.  These fell a little flat.  The seasonal vegetables were blah, but I’m not much of a “seasonal vegetables kind of guy”.  Give me some baked beans or something.  Come on now.

Beef Brisket from Blue Tractor BBQ & Brewery

..and for those of you who are like me and get tears in their eyes at the sight of a good smoke ring…

Smoke Ring/BBQ Porn

Check them out.  For Ann Arbor, it’s good BBQ that’s very affordable.  You’ll probably pay a little less than half of what you would pay at Zingerman’s Road House.

I would like to note that they share a kitchen with Cafe Habana, a Cuban restaurant next door that is owned by the same people.  That’s really funny to me.

Too often in this world we don’t get a chance to tell those we care about how we feel until it is too late.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen to me!  Trader Joe’s, you are awesome and I love you.  From your delicious trail mixes, specialty beer, three buck Chuck, pre-cooked chicken sausage (amazing), sauces and desserts, to the way you rip off my iPod every time I shop there. The last two times I went there TJ’s was piping in Radiohead and Bob Marley.  When was the last time you heard Radiohead at a grocery store?

TJ's never leaves me High and Dry.

As for delicious food, I would specifically like to speak about several different TJ’s specialties that have won my heart.  For an appetizer, start with Trader Joe’s Horseradish Hummus and Trader Joe’s Pita Chips.  Combine these two and life is grand.  I had never found a horseradish hummus before I first spotted it at TJ’s and have seen it nowhere else since.  Too bad?  Not really, because no one could do it as well as TJ anyway.

Trader Joe's Horseradish Hummus

What better way to wash down horseradish hummus than beer?  TJ’s has a wonderful beer selection, but I usually get Trader Joe’s Bavarian Hefeweizen. 

TJ's Hefeweizen

Delicious and refreshing, I have yet to wear this out and move on to another of TJ’s beer offerings, but no doubt I eventually will.  And that one will be great as well. 

Finally, I have to say a word about the greatest sandwich cookie known to man or beast.  The Joe-Joe.  Joe-Joe’s would be best described as similar to an Oreo, but some of the greatest minds in cookie engineering have made a better cookie. 

Joe-Joe's. Eat and squawk loudly.

The tops of the cookies easily peel away if, like my son, you enjoy removing the top of the cookie and eating the crème filling.  Oreo has not mastered this trick and it is still possible to break your Oreo (especially if you are six) when you try to unscrew the lid.  Unforgivable.  Joe-Joe’s also have about as much crème as a Double Stuff Oreo, so they are more robust on top of their superior engineering.  TJ’s offers them in three flavors:  vanilla cookie with vanilla crème filling, chocolate cookie with vanilla crème filling, and my favorite, chocolate cookie with chocolate crème filling.  They used to offer a chocolate cookie with a peanut butter filling that was incredible but it has been discontinued.  I never received a satisfactory answer as to why they did this, but years ago I sent a dead fish wrapped in newspaper to TJ’s Corporate HQ and feel better about the whole thing now.  Ain’t no time to hate.  Amazing how the sending of a dead fish washes away the anger…

I plan to have a segment in the future called “Jeremy and Trader Joe’s Semi-Homemade is better than Sandra Lee’s.”  In that feature I will show how you can make a healthy and delicious dinner for a family in 20 minutes (suck on it Rachael Ray) using products purchased at TJ’s (except for shallots, which I use a lot and TJ’s does not carry.)  I often say that we here at Epic Portions have the most intelligent readership on the web, and most of you have brains and know how to combine pre-made ingredients.  I don’t think I’m some kind of genius, but since cooking duties are mine every night I appreciate a simple, healthy meal that tastes good, the kids like, and saves me a little time and effort.  Contrary to popular belief, making dinner every night with a six year old and a one year old roaming loose in the house is not the easiest thing in the world.  If my time savers can help anyone with similar duties and keep them from watching Sandra Lee than I have done something positive.  And I promise, no tablescape bullshit.

So there it is, TJ’s.  It doesn’t matter if you feel the same about me, or that your cashier made my daughter cry, I still love you.  Maybe next time I’m there you can dim the lights and play some Barry White.  I can’t get enough of your horseradish hummus, babe.

When it comes to breakfast, I’m a diner or family restaurant kind of guy.  My parents, however, are fancy pants breakfast kind of people.  My Dad has one criteria for a breakfast establishment and it’s that they serve fresh squeezed orange juice.  They could serve him burnt pancakes and a bowl of raw eggs, but if they came with a juice of fresh squeezed, pulpy orange juice he’s there.  Cafe Marie is my parents’ favorite breakfast spot, mostly because of that fresh squeezed orange juice.

Cafe Marie in Ann Arbor doesn’t exactly qualify as a breakfast “joint”, so I’ve never been much of a fan.  The food is pretty solid, but it just seems like a little too much for me.  Specialty coffees?  Salmon scramble?  Pecan pancakes?  Come on.  This is the kind of place where when you order a juice, they bring it to you in a “2 drink” sized glass.  Apparently, Cafe Marie supports dehydration.

Like I said before, the food is definitely solid.  Don’t get me wrong, I can’t hate on the Huevos Hermosos, which is chorizo sausage, jalapenos, and tomatoes, scrambled with eggs and covered in cheese.  It’s actually pretty delicious.  The chorizo may be a little bland, but the actual dish has a ton of flavor.  Problem is it costs $7.85 and comes with exactly what you see below.  Well, minus the “Potato and Cheese Avalanche” in the bowl over top.  That’s an extra $3.25.

Bottom line is Cafe Marie serve up some very good food, but it’s just a little too much when it comes to breakfast.  If you’re looking for some morning eats in a spot that is both a little fancy, but still casual, then it’s perfect for you.