Taco Bell.  Tacos.  Doritos.  Taco shell.

Normally I would write something up saying this is either the greatest idea ever, or that the Taco Bell employee should be banished from the food business forever.  There is no middle of the road on this subject.   Unfortunately, I just don’t have the appropriate thoughts for this yet.  It hasn’t sunk in enough to truly write how I feel about what Taco Bell has done.  Seriously, say it out loud.  “Taco Bell taco made with a Doritos taco shell.”   How does your brain feel after saying that?  It’s almost the same feeling you get from watching Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood after the age of 18.  Your brain just stops.

Anyways, I should probably provide you with some details so you don’t take this quest to Google and leave me for more informative food blogs.  These are called Doritos Locos Tacos and they are currently in testing phase in several markets across the country.  That’s pretty much all I have for you right now.  Except for this picture I stole from a website that I have absolutely no intention of citing.

While at work the other day, I decided to use my Dominos gift card that I had been neglecting for a few months.  I pulled up their website, because I absolutely refuse to call in pizza deliveries anymore, and rang up a Buffalo chicken pizza with extra chicken, extra cheese, and extra hot sauce on thin crust.  What I got was the most delicious Dominos pizza I have ever had.  I’m not sure if it was because of the thin crust, the ratio of toppings, or just because it was free.. but good lord this pizza was delicious.

That is all.

Some time ago, I wrote an article investigating the claim that Taco Bell’s beef was of lower quality than the food you feed to your pets.  I found that their beef was much higher quality than cat food, but contained an almost shocking amount of filler ingredients.  I got many e-mails and comments disputing what the filler actually was, ranging from soy to even sand, but I never really completely looked into what the filler actually was.

This past week, Alabama based law firm Beasley Allen filed a class action lawsuit targeting Taco Bell, claiming the company uses false advertising on its menu and its advertisements.  The complaint, which was filed on behalf of the general public, alleges that what Taco Bell calls “beef” doesn’t meet the minimum requirements set by the USDA to be called “beef”, “seasoned ground beef”, or anything of the kind.  The lawsuit also states that Taco Bell should refer to its product as “taco meat filling” because it contains mostly “extenders” and other non-meat substances.

The definition as read in the lawsuit states “ground beef” “shall consist of chopped fresh and/or frozen beef with or without seasoning and without the addition of beef fat as such, shall not contain more than 30 percent fat, and shall not contain added water, phosphates, binders, or extenders.”

I got my hands on the USDA policy book, which required food labeled as “taco filling” to contain “at least 40 percent fresh meat” and the label must show the true product name.  Next time you’re eating your Lunchables with “taco filling”, remember to think about how that filling is actually only 40% beef.  Blegh.

The actual lawsuit, which can be read here if you’re into that kind of thing, lists water, isolated oat product, soy lechithin, malodextrin, anti-dusting agent, autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch and sodium phosphate as well as beef and seasonings.  I actually went through in my original article and researched most of these.

Waiting for the real nasty part?  Beasley Allen law firm claims they had Taco Bell’s beef tested and what they currently are marketing as beef contains less than 35% meat.

When asked for a response, Taco Bell issued this non-denial denial:

“Taco Bell prides itself on serving high quality Mexican inspired food with great value. We’re happy that the millions of customers we serve every week agree,” Poetsch said. He said the company would “vigorously defend the suit.”

So basically what the lawsuit claims is that Taco Bell is serving beef that while better than your pet’s food, is combined with 65% filler, fat, and other products, and 35% actual meat.  I knew there had to be some sort of filler, but the thought of eating beef that’s really only 35% beef is a little nasty to me.  At least Tofurkey producers warn you that their product is completely disgusting.

I’ll keep you updated on this as news is passed along.

A lot of people like to give me shit for my love of Taco Bell, but I couldn’t care less.  Driving by the place and not picking up a few burritos becomes nearly impossible for me about once a week.  My favorite item has always been the Grilled Stuft Burrito, mainly because it’s enormous and is packed with most of the ingredients available in the place.

This past week I stopped in expecting the usual and was given this.  FAIL.

..and that’s pretty much all I have to say.

Sonic has recently been introduced to my life and I don’t know what I was doing all of these years without it.  All of this McDonalds and Burger King doesn’t even compare to the deliciousness.  On my second visit there, I couldn’t resist getting the “extra long” chili cheese dog, which is a 1/4 pound hot dog slathered with chili and cheese.  Let me tell you, this is fast food hall of fame material.  Throw in a watermelon slushy with an order or tater tots and you have yourself a serious meal.  I personally enjoyed this combo at 2:30 AM and I feel as though this is the ideal time to experience such incredibleness.  Is incredibleness an actual word?

After the longest hiatus I have taken since starting Epic Portions, I am back with a new fast food report.

Apparently it wasn’t enough that Burger King was destroying ribs.  They couldn’t be the ones doing it. Now McDonalds is joining the war against one of my favorite foods in the world and is almost ready to roll out McRiblets.  I have never seen an oven, grill or anything of that manner in a McDonalds “kitchen”, so I can’t say I’m very optimistic.  Then again, even if McDonalds had smokers installed at all of their locations I still wouldn’t eat their ribs.

So apparently Burger King is rolling out their ribs in major markets(Dallas, Chicago, ect..) this week and it made me realize that I haven’t called anything stupid in a while.  In fact, after running a quick search I found that it’s been since April 5th, when I called Subway’s breakfast completely stupid, that I called anything stupid.  Well folks, Burger King decided it had been too long since John got a little perturbed about a fast food menu item and decided to do this.  Great work Burger King.  Great work.

jasonlam, flicker

BK Ribs come in packs of three, six and eight, with the six pack costing you $7.99.  If you decide that’s not enough of a bargain you can go with a combo meal, which adds on the usual fries and drink, for $8.99.

What I’m trying to figure out is why is Burger King pumping their $1 menu items and $5 meal deals and then rolling out some ribs for 8 bucks?  Also, you fast food restaurants already ruined the burger, French fries, burritos, apple pies, and countless other food items.  Can’t you leave ribs alone?  They don’t belong on fast food menus.  They belong in restaurants where there are plates and napkins.

Visit Burger King’s website to see one of the more annoying things ever advertised by a fast food company..

Four tender pork ribs with a smoky BBQ sauce. So you get all the meaty taste of BBQ ribs without the hassle, smoky clothes and runny eyes of a real BBQ.

No hassle, smoky clothes, or runny eyes of a real BBQ?  Of a REAL BBQ???? Let me get this straight.   You’re taking BBQ ribs, something that is traditionally messy(in a good way) to eat, and advertising it as a clean, anti-BBQ version? Like, “come get ribs, but they’re ribs that aren’t messy, smoky, and don’t have any flavor so your eyes won’t run”. Seriously Burger King?  I feel like punching you right now.

Last thing, Has anyone ever had broiled ribs before?  I sure haven’t.