New on Blue Tractor’s menu… 1/2 lb patty topped with pulled pork, bacon, smoked cheddar, and fried jalapeño chips.

I need this.  That’s in bold because I really need it. Add this to the list of things you will see me eat very soon.

I’m pretty pissed off right now.  Like, Mel Gibson not getting blown before the jacuzzi pissed.  I was at the grocery store the other day and I noticed that Stouffer’s has some new Corner Bistro meal options that come with a stuffed melt and a bowl of soup.  Perfect, right?  I can’t think of a better lunch than soup and a sandwich.  I decided to pick up three of the Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt with Loaded Baked Potato Soup options, mainly because they sounded and looked rather edible.  Delicious, even.

Try reading this description and tell me it doesn’t sound like it would make your lunch break at work at least 38% better:

“Herb-topped focaccia bread filled with white meat chicken, bacon and swiss cheese and a buttermilk ranch sauce, paired with creamy loaded baked potato soup”

So today I decided I was in a soup and sandwich kind of mood and remembered the frozen dinners I had bought.  Three short minutes in the microwave, and it was time to feast.  To my complete dismay, this is what I found..

Stouffer's New Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt and Loaded Baked Potato Soup

At this point, I felt like punching Stouffer right in the face.  What the hell kind of meal is this?  The “stuffed melt” was the size of a deck of cards, and the “loaded” baked potato soup tasted like a bowl of cream with cheese and three ridiculously large slices of potato added to it.  Thanks for reminding me that this is a potato based soup, Stouffer.  Also, that bowl may look large in the picture but it has about the same depth as a petri dish.

Thanks a lot Stouffer.  I’m not going to get into burying you in rose gardens or setting your house on fire or anything like that, but we are taking a break due to the shittyness that you put into this box and allowed to be sold to me at my local grocery store.  I hope you feel bad for completely ruining my lunch.

Since its opening a few years ago, Slows BarBQ has been one of the most popular eating destinations in the Detroit area. This is great for both Detroit’s economy and local business owners, but terrible for this guy named John who visited the place 5 times in hopes of eating delicious BBQ only to have his hopes smashed by an hour wait.  Don’t think just because I didn’t stick around those other 5 times that it’s not worth the wait.  It’s just difficult to justify that long of a wait when Mexican Town is right around the corner. If you’re going to give them a try, I strongly suggest going at an odd hour for late lunch/early dinner as there’s often a wait to get a table or even a lone spot at the bar.

You walk into Slow’s through a huge wooden door that doesn’t really even look much like a door.  I’m sure some of the general public has fits about where they enter the restaurant.  How inconvenient!  It’s a nice, artsy touch, I think.   We walked into a modern looking place, light wood everywhere and a hell of a bar that sits right in the middle of the restaurant.  The decor is upscale and offers trendy take on BBQ.  It’s a nice place in a rough neighborhood, just down the street from the old Tiger stadium site. It’s a pretty dodgy looking area, and parking is just on the street, but there’s little reason not to feel completely safe there during the day.  During the night time you may run into a character or two, but that’s going to happen in Detroit.

Service is laid back.  You don’t get the feeling that you’re being waited on by some college kid but they also don’t act like professional servers.  There’s no drink suggestions or a recommendation of a daily special.  They ask what you want, recommend something if needed, then bring you your food. It’s no bullshit service, which I can always appreciate.

The menu is divided between soups/appetizers, sandwiches, and actual BBQ platters.  There are many different appetizers that range from 5-8 bucks, the sandwiches are very affordable and usually fall in 7-10 dollar price range, while the BBQ platters are anywhere from 11-20 bucks depending on how much food you get.  On this particular visit, it was 11:30AM so I wasn’t exactly in the mood yet to start shoveling ribs into my mouth.  Looking back, I don’t think there is a bad time for that, but I just felt like ordering something different.

I started with the Brisket Enchiladas and man was this a good decision.  The corn tortillas, which come from Mexican Town, tasted incredibly fresh and were well stuffed with very juicy brisket.  They are topped with smoked Gouda and American cheese and finished with their spicy BBQ sauce.  This is serious.  I could have ordered an entire pan of these for my dinner.

For my main course there really wasn’t any choice other than the Triple Threat Pork sandwich, which was featured on Man v. Food.  The Triple Threat comes with apple wood smoked bacon, pulled pork, and a large slice of ham.  This combination is surrounded by two huge pieces of Texas toast.  This is some serious stuff.  The pulled pork is probably the most tender I have ever had in my life.  The flavor isn’t amazing, but it’s not bad either.  I’m very picky about my pulled pork and I would have to say this gets a solid B.  The bacon is perfection and that’s all I have to say about it.  The ham is fantastic, as well.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if you’re not a fan of pork products, then maybe this sandwich isn’t for you.

Just in case this meal didn’t make me fat enough already, I decided I had to have a side of mac and cheese.  Who goes to a BBQ joint and doesn’t get Mac and Cheese?  Come on now.  That would be terrible of me.  The mac and cheese was solid, but not great.  It’s more hearty than creamy and is heavy on the pepper.  It’s different than most mac and cheeses I’ve had.  I’m not saying it’s bad, just a little different than I expected.

If you’re in Detroit and have some time to kill, go check out Slow’s.  It’s a fun experience and the food is quite tasty.  Like I said, you may end up waiting up to an hour for a table, but it’s worth it to sample some of the best BBQ Detroit has to offer.

I love Jerusalem Garden’s lentil soup.  It’s like having a bowl of heaven and each bite is full of angels. That actually incredibly sacrilegious and even disgusting, but I swear there’s no other way to describe the taste.  It’s incredible.  I’m currently in talks with several companies about obtaining bowl big enough to fill with lentil soup and bathe in it. Photographic documentation will follow.

Me and Coco aka That Guy aka co-host of the Coco and Warhammer Show went over to Bagger Dave’s for some burgers the other day. There’s one right down the street from our work and I had never been, despite hearing mostly good things.  Apparently this location is one of three, with all of them being Michigan based.  A guy who owns a bunch of Buffalo Wild Wings decided he wanted to open a gourmet burger joint in Berkely a few years ago with the hopes that it would catch on and become a chain.  Not a bad idea.  With the exception of the obvious hole in the wall burger joints, Michigan lacked any kind of gourmet burger establishment until Five Guys started moving in recently.  With the two additional Bagger Dave’s locations being added since 2008, it looks like the idea is working so far.

Before I walked in I was expecting a mostly carry out based burger joint.  The place is actually more of a sit down restaurant(100+ seats) with a pretty solid(mostly local) beer selection.  There’s flat screen TVs and a mini train set that constantly runs around the top perimeter of the restaurant.  It doesn’t really have the feel of a burger joint, but it’s a comfortable, yet different, environment.

"Amazingly Delicious" Turkey Black Bean Chili

I started off with the “amazingly delicious” turkey black bean chili, mainly because of the whole “amazingly delicious” proclamation.  If you’re going to say something on your menu is that delicious, then damnit it better be.  I’m not usually a “substitute turkey for other meat” kind of guy, but like I said, the menu says amazingly delicious.  I had to put it to the test.  Gotta say, stuff is legit.  I can usually tell when things are made from turkey.  It just has a weird taste to me.  This was delicious, and had a good amount of spice.  Despite the fact that a bowl is $4.00+, I would have to recommend that you get some of this before your burger.

Create Your Own Burger

For my burger, I felt that there was no other choice for me than to create my own.  There are a many options on the actual menu, but come on.  How much fun is that?   The thin patties start out in the open kitchen at 3.5 ounces — one costs $3.29 and two $4.29 (turkey burgers are a dollar more) and come in a plain, sesame or whole wheat roll or sourdough bread. For 75 cents you can add one of six kinds of cheese, and for $1 you can add on “premium” topping of fries, fried egg, guacamole, bacon or that delicious turkey black bean chili.  Bagger Dave’s also offers 16 “meaningless free toppings” that range from ketchup and lettuce to sautéed mushrooms, Cajun spice and green peppers.

The burgers are advertised as hand-crafted from lean ground beef that is never frozen.   The burgers are all cooked medium-well, which is always troubling to me.   The result is a smaller patty that was actually a little dry for my tastes. I felt like the condiments and add ons made the burger, not the actual patty.  I feel like if you’re opening a restaurant that specializes in burgers, your patty should stand out even without a single condiment.  These didn’t.

I will say that my creation, with a hell of a lot of toppings, was absolutely delicious.  I went with a plain bun and two regular beef patties with pepper jack cheese, Santa Fe chipolte sauce, a fried egg, applewood bacon, mayo, and Cajun spice. Like I said, the beef is pretty average but the slop on top made it into a solid burger.  Check this guy out.

Not anything amazing, but pretty solid.  Expect to pay about 12 bucks per person if you’re getting a drink, fries/chili, and a burger.  A little steep for burgers and fries, you’re getting a lot more than that if you’re creating your own burger.

Ruff, Ruff!! I'm Hop Hound the rockin' dog!

It’s difficult to know what to expect when macro-brewers endeavor to create a craft beer.  Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t.  As for the effort, I like to think that even though the idea sprang from a whorish money grabbing attempt by the marketing department, those who actually get to brew the beer relish the opportunity to construct a legitimate, quality beverage.

Hop Hound Amber Wheat, from our old pals at Anheuser Busch/InBev, fills the entire spectrum of poor marketing and decent craftsmanship.  Has anyone seen an ad for Hop Hound?  If you have, please clue me in.  And why not blitz the airwaves with advertising for Hop Hound, I mean, there’s a freaking dog on the label!  The possibilities are endless.  Never mind that the dog on Hop Hound looks like Poochie, the cartoon dog from The Simpsons that was used to make Itchy and Scratchy seem new and fresh, it’s still a dog!

I have to go now. My planet needs me...to sell beer!

The Hop Hound dog may not be totally in my face, but he’s got a modicum of attitude and style.  Besides, before he was jailed for statutory rape, sent to rehab and found Jesus, Spuds McKenzie proved that even a crack-addled canine can sell beer.

A sweatshirt? Really, Spuds? I know it was the 80's but come on...

As for the beer, Hop Hound isn’t bad at all.  Certainly not the disgrace that is Bud Light Golden Wheat.  Hop Hound, for starters, tastes like beer.  It has a decent amount of complexity to it.  Sort of a light, malty, wheat flavor with citrus undertones.  Not bad for a hot July 4th barbeque, certainly better than Bud Light, my other option.  I do wonder why a beer that has relatively little hoppiness (is that a word?) calls itself Hop Hound.  Maybe to a dog it is hoppy, but I digress.  The fact that it falls short of Costco’s Kirkland Signature Amber Ale is perhaps a question of taste.  I have no doubt that there will be those who really like Hop Hound, and kudos to them.  Personally, I don’t see myself buying it again but who knows, like I said it had some things going for it.  I just can’t help but feel that it lacked soul.  Maybe it was the dog.  Maybe there is a degree of prejudice because this is the same conglomeration that created Bud Light Golden Wheat. 

I will say that I am now interested to try Michelob’s Shock Top, their take on a Belgian white.  Hop Hound is good enough to give me a little hope.  If I do try it, you will be the first to know.  Not literally.  The person who sells me the beer will know, and so will my wife, and maybe a friend or two.  But rest assured dear readers, you will be no more than fifth or sixth on the list…

On a side note, how come there are never any cats on beer bottles?  And I don’t mean tigers or lions or leopards or ocelots or any other near relation.  I mean a domestic house cat.  As the owner of two cats, I can assure you that they can party with the best of them.  I’m throwing down the gauntlet, beer makers, I want a cat on my beer bottle by the end of the year.  I can see it now, Founders Ferocious Feline IPA.  Make it happen.

Sonic has recently been introduced to my life and I don’t know what I was doing all of these years without it.  All of this McDonalds and Burger King doesn’t even compare to the deliciousness.  On my second visit there, I couldn’t resist getting the “extra long” chili cheese dog, which is a 1/4 pound hot dog slathered with chili and cheese.  Let me tell you, this is fast food hall of fame material.  Throw in a watermelon slushy with an order or tater tots and you have yourself a serious meal.  I personally enjoyed this combo at 2:30 AM and I feel as though this is the ideal time to experience such incredibleness.  Is incredibleness an actual word?