Dear Readers,

If you haven’t noticed, I have been absent from Epic Portions for quite some time.  It has been almost two months since I documented a Summer dinner I consumed in early July.  I’ll admit, I just haven’t been motivated enough to post pictures of food and attempt to surround it with witty comments.

In my opinion, food blogs are getting a little corny.  I know I sound like kind of an asshole seeing as I’m saying that on my food blog, but I feel like the internet is saturated with food websites.  Years ago I truly enjoyed following multiple food blogs and these blogs were the inspiration for what you read now.  I started Epic Portions to not only chronicle my adventures in obesity, but also to create a website based around food that was completely unique.  I didn’t have any desire to make any money or gain notoriety from it.  I simply like food and I thought that I could provide an interesting perspective to both people around my area and people across the country.  I didn’t want to start a TGI Fridays style website that was the same as everything else.  I think I have been pretty successful in doing that.

That being said, it’s time to change things up.  Over the next few months, you will see drastic changes to not only the design of the site, but the content as well.  I will begin posting daily with content that I am truly proud of.  I hate filler material, which is why you sometimes see me go on long absences in between posts.  I just don’t find it fair to post random shit that I wouldn’t personally care to read.

Additionally, many people are using social networking to document their food adventures and I want to attempt to highlight that.   It is my goal to turn Epic Portions into a one stop shop for all things food but done the way we want to do it, with absolutely no bullshit.

I hope you enjoy Epic Portions in the future.  It really is fun to post whatever I feel like that day and have 5,000+ read it within 24 hours.

Your fearless leader,

John

p.s. Don’t make fun of my big head.  I’m sensitive.

p.s.s. I’m still pretty pumped that we destroyed Tios at the beginning of the Summer.

Today I was taking a leisurely stroll through my neighborhood with my children, trying to enjoy one last peaceful saunter before the beginning of a hectic new school year, when I discovered two new establishments right in my own neighborhood.  Precariously perched on the corner of Briarbrook and Valley View Drives, I happened upon Kaylee’s Kool-Aid and Lemonade Stands.  Sort of a Mark’s Carts kind of operation, right in my own neighborhood!  They were selling authentic, Caucasian-American suburban street fare, the kind of low-tech operation that seems to be thriving in today’s economy.  As an established food critic, I decided to do an on the spot review.

The first thing I noticed was that the two stands had a bright, open atmosphere.  Minimalist in nature, they offered no tables, no seats, and no frills.  Just grab a beverage and continue about your business.  A novel concept, but without a quality beverage all the conceptual creativity would be for nothing.  Sadly, Kaylee’s Kool-Aid failed miserably in the taste category.  Serving only Grape Kool-Aid (more on that later), I couldn’t help but be put off by the overall watery consistency of the beverage.  I fear that Kaylee is more concerned with her profit margin than with providing a quality product.  I will not allow the tender age of Ms. Kaylee to influence my judgement.  The Kool-Aid tasted like krap.  I was also quite dismayed by the lack of selection.  Only grape?  Everyone knows that cherry Kool-Aid is the best flavor.  This lack of managerial oversight spells impending doom for Kaylee’s long term success.

Another bad sign for Kaylee was the general lax employee standards.  Her “employee” was too absorbed in some kind of hand-held video game device to acknowledge us when we approached for service.  Also, it seems highly unlikely that Kaylee will survive a visit from the health inspector, as I counted no less than five critical violations when I first arrived.  When I told the young video game aficionado that I wanted to speak with his manager, he looked at me like I was the fool.  After I was finally able to speak with Ms. Kaylee, not only did she seem to have a complete lack of knowledge of the local health code, her haughty, off-putting manner made me feel as if I wasn’t a valued customer.

Bad service and lax food safety policy aside, I do have to spend at least one paragraph in praise of Kaylee’s lemonade.  One sip of this beverage made the whole unpleasant experience melt away faster than the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.   It was as if she magically bottled the melted popsicle juice from a Flav-o-Ice.  At first, I detected what seemed to be an unctuous mouthfeel, but quickly this turned into a symphony of deliciousness.  The sour, tart flavor of the lemon, coupled with the sweetness of the light cane sugar made for an appealing and overall refreshing beverage.  I decided to seek out Kaylee again, to compliment her on the lemonade.

At first she thought I was stalking her, but after my daughter disarmed Kaylee with a compliment on her Hello Kitty shoes, Kaylee was receptive to a quick interview.  After gushing over her lemonade, I asked about the grape only Kool-Aid policy.  She danced around the subject, and even though she failed to admit as much I was under the impression that she was trying to appeal to an urban clientele.  I felt we were having a nice exchange of ideas, when she proceeded to blame her Mom for having only grape Kool-Aid in her pantry.  A sad state of affairs to say the least, I mean, does Eric Ripert blame his Mom when Le Bernardin has to eighty-six the foie-gras?

All in all, as much as I hate to give a local small business a negative review, and despite the luxurious lemonade, I cannot in good conscience recommend Kaylee’s Kool-Aid and Lemonade Stands.  The health violations, the surly, indifferent employees, the watery grape Kool-Aid.  Unless you are trying to be ironic, Kaylee, I declare your entrance into the refreshment business a complete failure.

Even though it’s in the high 90′s here in Michigan, that won’t stop me from doing some good old fashion outside cooking.  I know, I know, 100 degrees isn’t much for some of you but here in Michigan where temperatures range from -10 degrees to 110 degrees we get sensitive about our weather.

This past week I decided to attempt my first steak of the summer, along with some corn on the cob(made on the grill, of course), and some German potato salad.  I should point out that the potato salad was made by my good friend Brooke.  It was fantastic.  Normally I am more of a charcoal man, but this particular day we were working with a gas unit.  While a gas grill is more than acceptable, I’m within that group of people that swears by the flavor that charcoal adds to whatever is cooked on top of it.

Regardless of what you’re using, I strongly advise you to visit csgrills.com.  They have the best selection of grills, grilling accessories, fire pits, smokers, turkey fryers, and whatever else you could ever want to equip you in your outdoor cooking endeavors.

It is time to lay this dog to rest.  If Stringer Bell and D’Angelo Barksdale can die and never be heard from again, then so can I sever my online relationship with Tios.  The loss will be felt by no one.

I will not engage in hyperbole, in this final ever Tios post.  My objective is to lay out in a concise manner my reasons for disliking Tios.  I do not need to make amends for that dislike any more than I have to make amends for not liking P.F. Chang’s.  And if you really think about it, the two are comparable.

In my opinion, Tios serves substandard Mexo-American fare.  That alone, however, is not why Tios has drawn critical scrutiny.  The substandard Mexo-American fare is WAY overpriced.  If you honestly believe that Tios is a better value for your money than even Chipotle, you and I will just have to agree to disagree.  With extreme prejudice.

Overpriced, over hyped, substandard food is going to draw criticism.  But this has gone on too long.  From this post forward, the only time you will read the word “Tio” from me is when I’m talking about my long lost great uncle, Gran Tio Guillermo.  Besides him (and he rarely comes up), no más. 

But you know what?  Don’t take my word for it.  If you like, or even love Tios, then continue to go there.  If you’ve never eaten there, try it yourself.  They do have a nice tequila selection.  The evening couldn’t possibly be a total loss.  Why do I say this?  Because at least Tios is a local business.  People who are members of my community wait tables, cook, wash dishes, tend bar, bus tables, and manage there.  I’ve worked in restaurants before, and I bet Tios has a tight-knit crew of employees like most of the places I worked.  Good for them.  It’s not the server’s or bartender’s fault the food is substandard.

So I say, go to Tios.  Drink up and tip well. Para mí, Tios está muerto.  Adios, Tios.

It has been too long, my friends.  I know I casually dropped by a few days ago with my Mr. Bourdain Goes to Cuba rant, but I wanted to formally say hello again as my absence has been far too lengthy. 

Six months off food writing can change a man.  I spent the last month engaged in the oh-so-narcissistic act of reading many of my previous posts.  How can I improve?  Did I say anything relevant before my break?  Why did I spend so much time obsessing about Food Network?

The answers are, like a properly prepared pomodoro, simple yet complex.  Improvement as a writer comes with practice, so by assuming my place here at EP I will no doubt improve.  I may or may not have written anything relevant, that is for you, the reader, to decide.  As for Food Network, I owe a lot to FN.  I received a culinary education from the likes of Alton Brown, Mario Batali, Emeril, and even Bobby Flay.  The fact that their programming has gone to shit is not my concern, and certainly not worth my time or witty insults.  They never owed me a thing.  If people want to watch Guy Fieri or Anne Burrell then more power to all of them.  I will leave Food Network with a gracious thank you and move on.

I do want to issue one very earnest retraction.  In my anger over my beloved Man v. Food visiting Tios, I called Adam Richman a loser.  He most certainly is not.  I look like an asshole for making that statement, and it is beneath you, the reader, and me to make such a stupid claim.  Adam Richman has entertained me countless times, and my son and I love his show.  (More on M v. F in an upcoming post, as we all have noticed the change in format).  Adam comes across as a great guy.  Likeable, funny, friendly.  All the things I wasn’t when I insulted him.  Consider this an apology.  To him and to you.  You deserve a higher level of discourse.

In the future, I hope to continue to bring humor to EP.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when you are a stay at home Dad if you can’t find humor in life you will surely run amok.  Not that my running amok wouldn’t be humorous, I suppose, but you get the idea.  Humor is good.  I plan on writing more about my efforts to properly introduce my children to the larger world of food—that which exists beyond chicken nuggets and boxed mac and cheese.  I will cast a cynical eye on the important food issues of the day, from the welcome increased focus on local ingredients to the horrors of our national food safety policies.

Most importantly, I will endeavor to continue to write in the spirit of Epic Portions—great food, devoured with enthusiasm.  John and Todd founded this blog and laid the groundwork for its success by sharing their humor, love of eating, and willingness to be bold in the search for delicious food.  I see no reason to venture too far from that formula.

Finally, a sincere thank you to those of you who keep Epic Portions on their internet radar.  Aside from being called a few nasty names (probably some of it deservedly so), my interactions with you have been a lot of fun.  I like debate and disagreement.  Call me out if I’m an idiot, I need that sometimes.

In my re-reading of my previous writings, I noticed that I certainly wrote quite a few beer reviews.  On that note, and in anticipation of the awesomeness that is the upcoming Michigan Summer Beer Festival right here in my hometown, I’ll have a new review up on Monday.  Until then I invite you to “like” us on facebook where I will re-post a few of my old reviews.

Tonight, the best food related hour of television one can find, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, travels to Cuba.  Leave it to Bourdain to tread where the chickenshit national media refuses to wander.  Our nation’s culinary conscience, represented by Bourdain, now overlaps to the political—and since I have a deep love of Cuban food I couldn’t be happier.

I know why the United States still keeps Cuba in the stranglehold of a trade embargo.  Florida politics.  A few thousand Cuban ex-pats in Miami keep our citizens from freely traveling to a country a mere hundred miles or so from our border.  Why?  Because Fidel Castro gave the United States the finger over fifty years ago.  Because JFK and the CIA fucked up the Bay of Pigs invasion, which was a terrible idea to begin with.  Add a bunch of spineless, ass-kissing politicians (from both parties) to this recipe and you have an empanada of apathy, one stuffed with a gooey filling of the status quo.

There can be no other explanations.  We trade with China, a communist country, and it is damn important that we do or our economy would be further in the toilet if we didn’t.  We trade with Vietnam, another communist country, only this time Vietnam has the distinction of being the site of a bloody war where 50,000+ Americans died.  Yet Cuba, a small island nation close to our home, continues to remain suffocated by American ego, as represented by our lackluster, corrupt politicians.

I’m hoping Bourdain uses his hour wisely.  I hope he will not shy away from our insanely stupid Cuba policy, while mostly highlighting what we are missing.  Cuban culture.  Cuban food.  Cuban music.  Bourdain usually is not afraid to make a political point or two, but possesses the good sense not to be preachy.  That ability is part of why No Reservations remains one of my favorite shows of any type to grace the airwaves.  Bourdain also remains the ultimate in culinary cool.  No bullshit.  No catch phrases.

As for me, I’ll take a reservation for two (thanks to my lovely wife) to watch the Travel Channel this evening.  ¡Viva la food revolución!

So, after a lengthy time away from the site, I have returned, and so has my other blog, Tales From a Messy Kitchen. But I have come here to share the wonderful dinner I concocted last night.

My daughter wanted cheese pizza and I decided to up the ante.  Maybe I’ve just been watching too much Epic Mealtime, but I felt the need for lots of bacon on this pizza.

Here’s the end result…

It ain't pretty, but it is tasty...

I started this food creation off by cutting up and frying some bacon (roughly 7 or 8 strips) .

You have to be very brave or very stupid to fry bacon shirtless...or both.

Then I used the bacon grease to saute some sweet vidalia onions…

mmmmm....bacon onions.

By the time I got all that done, the dough had risen.  I poured the remaining bacon grease into the dough. I used Trader Joe’s Whole Wheat Pizza Dough. I misunderstood the instructions and thought I had to knead this stuff in flour.  So I started to do so and it began firming up on me.  Apparently, all you have to do is spread it over a liberally floured area into a 12 inch circle…oh well.  I fought with it a bit and then decided it was supposed to be a deep dish 8-inch pizza.

I added my sauce of choice, Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey Barbecue…

Then a layer of mozzerella…

Then the orgy of bacon and onions…as well as the grease in the bowls I put them in.

Then more mozz, sharp cheddar, and parmesan…plus a slice of muenster that I ripped up.

Into the oven!

The Aftermath!  This is why my blog is so aptly named Messy Kitchen. I’m too focused to clean as I go.

I decided to accompany this meal with a Sam Adams Boston Lager.  Traditional, yet still a bit snobbish.

My girls all enjoyed this, though Audrey (the one with curls) put up a fuss until I picked the onions off of hers.

Don't be fooled by their ambivalent expressions, they loved this.

Tastes great once I throw a fit and demand that the onions be removed!

So there you have it!  I may need to go take some Zantac, but I enjoyed both making and eating this.  BTW, I have a new house.  Check out my other blog for more pics and details.  Okay enough plugging.  Mangia!