I had to go to the mall, a place I try to avoid at all costs, the other day to have my iPod looked out by the too cool tech-geeks at the Apple Store, when I saw something that made me cringe in what was almost actual, physical pain.  No, it wasn’t unfettered consumerism at its overpriced worst.  It wasn’t bad mall food, as our local mall here in Ann Arbor actually boasts a couple of decent eateries:  Sushi Café (yes, sushi at the mall and it is delicious) and Chipotle.  It was a cupcake kiosk.

When did the cupcakes invade and why have we let them take over?  A kiosk at the mall, a store devoted entirely to cupcakes just off Main Street in Ann Arbor, and my DirecTV has 250 channels, 90% of which are devoted to cupcakes all of the sudden.  It seems I can’t go to a party or function without some too cute dessert with pink frosting staring at me.

This is what we are up against, my friends. Let's kill it before it has a chance to breed.

I don’t have anything against dessert, but I am more of a main course kind of person.  The cookie will always hold a special place in my heart, but I’d take fried chicken or cheesy potatoes over dessert any day.  So I ask again, what is the deal with cupcakes?  They can certainly be delicious, but so are bacon smores and I don’t see kiosks at the mall for them.  Besides, cupcakes suffer from many of the same issues as muffins do.  The top is inevitably more delicious, but enveloping a full cupcake bite leads to frosting on the nose.  Not a good look for a man.  The solution is to lop the top off.  I just don’t trust a dessert that needs to be mutilated to achieve full deliciousness.

The working theory I have about their popularity is that they are portable cakes, and if there is one thing we Americans love, it is portable, fattening, sugar-laden food.  But they are also cute, which annoys the hell out of me.  At my son’s school, every Mom had to be Sandra Lee and make some pink princess designed cupcake or Spiderman themed cupcake for their little snowflake’s birthday.  (If they have to be Sandra Lee the least they could have done was bring cocktails for the adults, but I digress.)  Call me a rebel, but I made chocolate chip cookies for my son’s kindergarten class on his birthday.  And yes, I do bake when I have to, if I have to be a stay-at-home Dad you can damn well be sure I’m going to make some cookies.  Delicious ones, too.  Might as well fully embrace where life has taken me…

I was going to include a review of Cupcake Wars, but our friends at Would I Buy It Again did a solid, in depth review and I would rather direct you to their page than force myself to watch it.  Besides, it surely would have been a hateful rant and I like to limit those, otherwise you will be desensitized to them.  Can’t have that happen.  As for cupcake shows, no thank you.  I can’t stand Ace of Cakes either; Duff is actually pretty cool but baking shows in general are not on my list of things to watch.  Ever.  I even turn Alton Brown off when he is baking.

Just like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, let me warn all of the impeding invasion of the cupcakes.  Maybe it is too late.  Their saturation is close to critical mass.  In the mean time, I’ll be in the corner with a bucket of fried chicken.

From JUNK – PIZZA comes quite possibly one of the greatest pizza related creations of all time… A calzone stuffed with pizza rolls, AKA the Egg Sac. I have no words or sarcastic remarks, only that these images made me cry a little bit.  Don’t worry, they were happy tears.

They even offer you a picture tutorial on how to make your own, and why wouldn’t you?

If you’ve been to some sort of party that hasn’t had cheesy potatoes as a food option then I’m not sure what’s going on with the people you know.  Every graduation party, wedding, or other social event should have cheesy potatoes.  If you aren’t a good enough host to have cheesy potatoes, then I’m not going to be a good enough guest to stay.  It’s just… not cool.

What a lot of people don’t realize is how easy they are to make.  Seriously, 8 bucks and 45 minutes later you have yourself an enormous pile of cheese and potatoes.  Who doesn’t like that combination?

Ingredients

• 2 lb. bag of hash browns – Get the diced variety.  The ones that are cut into squares.
• 1 bag shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1 can cream of chicken soup
• Butter
• 1/4 of a large, yellow onion, diced.
• Salt, pepper

Directions

• Mix everything together, throw any remaining cheese on top, and bake for 45 mins.  Really difficult.

Just for the record, I’m not really down with putting Cornflakes on top.  If you want a little texture, throw some breadcrumbs on it.  Don’t be crushing up breakfast cereal and putting it on food.  That’s just weird.

Summer Beer Festival is over and before I comment on my favorites I would like to point out the awesomeness that is Ypsilanti.  Thousands upon thousands of beer drinkers, many of whom were inebriated (myself included), and the crowd was amazing.  Everyone was friendly and why not, we were drinking incredible beer.  Rain and swamp-like conditions be damned, it was one of those happy to be alive moments.

I tasted so many beers that before I announce my favorite here are the honorable mentions:

Copper Canyon Ginger Kids Revenge Imperial Red

Frog Island Bengal IPA

Big Buck Lemon Summer Ale

Dark Horse Crooked Tree IPA

Founders Black Biscuit

However, my award for beer of the Festival goes to:

Dragonmead Redwing Raspberry Wheat – Perfect for a warm summer evening, hint of raspberry that really comes alive with the finish.  For me to pick anything with the words “Red” and “Wing” in it is amazing in and of itself, as I am certainly NOT a fan of the local hockey team. However, even with that handicap Dragonmead’s Raspberry wins.  Also, Dragonmead is a really bad-ass name.

Special award for Most Interesting Beer goes to our friends at Bastone Brewery for their Peanut Butter Ale.  Refreshing and delicious.  Seriously.

The best tent and overall brewer award goes to Gaylord, MI’s own Big Buck Brewery.  Their Lemon Summer Ale was a revelation, damn near a winner overall.  Also, they made an ice cream stout that was unbelievably delicious.

Kudos to the Michigan Brewers Guild for a fine event.  Let it be known to all that Michigan is the United States capital for microbrews, so says Epic Portions.  I’ll put our group up against any other state.

Good night and good luck.

Last night after getting back home from a long night at the Blind Pig, I decided a French Bread pizza was a requirement before going to bed.  What I didn’t do was eat it.  It sat in the oven all night on 425 degrees.  I think I am lucky to be alive right now.

New on Blue Tractor’s menu… 1/2 lb patty topped with pulled pork, bacon, smoked cheddar, and fried jalapeño chips.

I need this.  That’s in bold because I really need it. Add this to the list of things you will see me eat very soon.

I’m pretty pissed off right now.  Like, Mel Gibson not getting blown before the jacuzzi pissed.  I was at the grocery store the other day and I noticed that Stouffer’s has some new Corner Bistro meal options that come with a stuffed melt and a bowl of soup.  Perfect, right?  I can’t think of a better lunch than soup and a sandwich.  I decided to pick up three of the Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt with Loaded Baked Potato Soup options, mainly because they sounded and looked rather edible.  Delicious, even.

Try reading this description and tell me it doesn’t sound like it would make your lunch break at work at least 38% better:

“Herb-topped focaccia bread filled with white meat chicken, bacon and swiss cheese and a buttermilk ranch sauce, paired with creamy loaded baked potato soup”

So today I decided I was in a soup and sandwich kind of mood and remembered the frozen dinners I had bought.  Three short minutes in the microwave, and it was time to feast.  To my complete dismay, this is what I found..

Stouffer's New Chicken Bacon Ranch Melt and Loaded Baked Potato Soup

At this point, I felt like punching Stouffer right in the face.  What the hell kind of meal is this?  The “stuffed melt” was the size of a deck of cards, and the “loaded” baked potato soup tasted like a bowl of cream with cheese and three ridiculously large slices of potato added to it.  Thanks for reminding me that this is a potato based soup, Stouffer.  Also, that bowl may look large in the picture but it has about the same depth as a petri dish.

Thanks a lot Stouffer.  I’m not going to get into burying you in rose gardens or setting your house on fire or anything like that, but we are taking a break due to the shittyness that you put into this box and allowed to be sold to me at my local grocery store.  I hope you feel bad for completely ruining my lunch.