Yeah, that’s right: Bacon S’mores.  Chocolate-covered candied bacon smothered in marshmallow in a graham cracker crust.

I can’t take credit for this idea, and actually I’m not sure I would want to.  A friend tweeted about The Complete Sale of Selma Lee posting about Chewbacca Bars, which they also call Chunky Chewies.  I immediately started telling [...]]]>

Yeah, that’s right: Bacon S’mores.  Chocolate-covered candied bacon smothered in marshmallow in a graham cracker crust.

I can’t take credit for this idea, and actually I’m not sure I would want to.  A friend tweeted about The Complete Sale of Selma Lee posting about Chewbacca Bars, which they also call Chunky Chewies.  I immediately started telling my friends about them, calling them bacon s’mores, until someone pointed out the lack of graham. So of course,  I added graham! Below is my own recipe, which is extraordinarily similar to others’ recipes, except where I made some changes.

Start with one pound of thick-cut, peppered bacon. Cut the uncooked slices into quarters or even sixths, and marinate the pieces for a few hours (in the fridge!) in equal parts balsamic vinegar and maple syrup (the real stuff, none of that Mrs Jemima gunk.) Coat with brown sugar and more pepper, and bake on a wire rack on a LINED baking sheet at 350F until delicious. I didn’t time it. If you are someone who can leave baking bacon well enough alone, good for you. I stuck my head in there to smell it every, oh, ten seconds, so it took a while to bake but it was easy to tell when it was done.

Here is some delicious, marinated bacon ready to bake:

And here is what happens if you don’t line your baking sheet with tinfoil.

SERIOUSLY, I have been soaking and scrubbing my baking sheet since Sunday and it hasn’t come clean yet.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you to line it.

When the bacon is done, remove it from the oven and move it to a plate to cool.  Melt about 2 1/2 cups chocolate – I used dark, but it’s up to you – in a double boiler, and when the bacon is sufficiently cool, dump it in and fold it in to coat. Really coat it. No wimpy half-coated pieces here. Place a greased wire rack on a large amount of newspaper in an area of your kitchen that you don’t much need to make other things, and dump the chocolate-covered bacon onto it to set. Let it set. Stop eating it, just let it set.

Meanwhile, take 2 of the 3 packets of graham crackers that come in a normal sized box, and make really fine crumbs out of them. I did this using freezer bags and a rolling pin and beating them into submission. You can also use a food processor, but the rolling pin method is actually quite fun! Place 1/2 of the crumbs into a glass 9×11″ baking dish, and set the other half aside.

Now, you make marshmallow. Yes, you make it from scratch, because homemade marshmallow is god’s gift to the world and about 427times better than store-bought. Really. I used Joy of Baking’s recipe and I used it verbatim*, because everyone warned me it was really gooey and kind of difficult. It is really gooey, but it actually cleans up pretty easily with just water, and it is not that difficult.

1 cup cold water
3/4 oz unflavored gelatin (usually comes in 1/4oz packets, 4 packets in a box)
2 cups white sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
1/4 tspn salt (I use popcorn salt)
2 tspn vanilla extract

Put 1/2 cup cold water into a large, clean metal bowl. Sprinkle the gelatin over the water and let stand until gelatin softens, about 15 minutes.  Meanwhile, place the sugar, corn syrup, salt, and remaining 1/2 cup cold water into a saucepan. Cook, stirring, over medium heat until sugar dissolves and the mixture comes to a boil. Attach a candy thermometer to the side of the pan and boil on high heat until the syrup reaches 240F, about 10 minutes.  With mixer running (it helps to have about three hands at this point) pour the hot syrup into the water-gelatin bowl. Add the vanilla. Gradually increase the speed of your mixer to high and beat the mixture until it turns into marshmallow cream. Try not to cut off your fingers with the mixer when you are sticking them into the bowl to taste it.  Be prepared to stand there for awhile – the recipe says 10 min, but mine took 15 min or more. It will grow, so be sure to use a big bowl.  It will also taste really good, like even better than you are expecting, so don’t eat it all with your fingers (if they’re still attached.)

NOW – chop the chocolate covered bacon into bite-sized pieces and set aside. Pour 1/2 of the marshmallow cream into your crumb-prepared baking dish, and put the chocolate-covered bacon on top. Add the remaining marshmallow and sprinkle the other half of the graham crumbs on top.  Allow to set for a few hours – I gave it four hours but sped it up a bit in the fridge, and it was fine.

It will look delicious and pretty like this:

… and it will be divisive.  My sister says chocolate-covered bacon is the most disgusting thing she can think of;  fair-goers across America think it’s a wonderful treat.  Everyone who tried a piece liked it, but only one went back for seconds. I thought it was good.  I think most things made with bacon and most things made with marshmallow are good.  Chocolate doesn’t hurt.

Will you like bacon s’mores?  Only one way to find out!

*verbatim? OK, so not really. I don’t really do verbatim. But I came pretty close this time… I doubled the recipe because I needed extra to make s’mores cakes for the vegetarians and the Muslim (blog post to come) and I also used a hand mixer instead of the recommended stand mixer, because I don’t own a stand mixer. But otherwise: totally verbatim.

Below is the recipe for this portable heart attack.  Thanks to The Consumerist and fark.com for the heads up.

1. Go to [...]]]> While I’m not a fan of McDonalds I do enjoy an Egg McMuffin every now and then.  Apparently in San Francisco of all places they have conjured up this sandwich, known as the Mc10:35.

Below is the recipe for this portable heart attack.  Thanks to The Consumerist and fark.com for the heads up.

1. Go to McD’s right when they are transitioning from breakfast to lunch.

2. Order one of the remaining Egg McMuffins from the breakfast menu and also order a McDouble since the lunch menu is now open.

3. Take the egg and Canadian bacon from the Egg McMuffin and put it on the McDouble.

I’d love it if John or one of our loyal readers would give this a try and get back to me.

There will always be political issues and debates that divide Americans.  Rarely is there a subject that the food lovers among us can weigh in with a credible and unique argument.  Food has no direct relationship with tax rates or defense spending.  But [...]]]>

Bring me your naan, your guacamole, your kebobs yearning to be eaten

There will always be political issues and debates that divide Americans.  Rarely is there a subject that the food lovers among us can weigh in with a credible and unique argument.  Food has no direct relationship with tax rates or defense spending.  But there is one hot-button political issue that should be near and dear to the hearts of all Americans who love good food.  Immigration.

There can be no debate as to whether an open immigration policy has been beneficial to the American culinary landscape.  If I have my way, we will change the first part of the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to read:

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free and share the cuisine of their native country”

Many immigrants come to the United States to engage in the noble entrepreneurial exercise of opening a restaurant.  And we as a nation are better for it.  Within a 15 minute drive from my house, I can enjoy authentic Indian, Thai, Chinese (which includes many delicious subgroups like Cantonese or Szechwan), Ethiopian, Greek, Japanese, Jamaican, Vietnamese, Middle East (too many and too various in this area to break down by nation of origin), or Korean cuisine.  Some parts of the country can boast more, some have less, but odds are if you live near a decent sized metropolis or college town you have similar choices as well.  Quite often these places are a “hole in the wall,” but they serve succulent, freshly prepared meals that enrich our gastronomic existence.

Still not convinced?  That’s ok because there is another side of this coin.  Many fine dining establishments are not owned by immigrants, but their presence is essential to the successful and high quality operation that exists within their kitchens.

Many years ago, I worked at one such establishment as a bartender.  I won’t mention it by name, but it is a well regarded Italian restaurant on Main Street in downtown Ann Arbor.  One of my first shifts, I was working on a Friday morning and a member of the kitchen staff came to the bar to ask me to make the espresso/kahlua mix needed for tiramisu.  I was somewhat taken aback when I realized the person barely spoke any English.  Not a problem, we figured it out and soon I was getting to know the kitchen staff, the majority of whom were from Mexico or Latin American points nearby.  The chef spoke fluent Spanish and the kitchen ran like clockwork.

If you think that is unique, you are wrong.  Bartenders and wait staff like to drink together after work, and it took minimal inquiry on my part to learn that the presence of immigrants working in the kitchen was the norm for most restaurants.

Did we speculate as to their legality or status?  Hell no, we didn’t give a damn.  They worked hard, were professional and got the food up for service to the ravenous public in a timely manner.  It was a fun environment, I spoke next to no Spanish but could still understand when being hazed or ribbed by the kitchen staff.  For obvious reasons bartenders and cooks have a natural symbiotic relationship, and as a bartender I had some liberty when giving it back.

To some, the arguments I have presented will not be appreciated.  If they would rather eat at the slice of Americana known as Applebee’s than they can go right ahead.  For me, and I submit for most food lovers real Americana is at the table of a local dive, run by someone who speaks broken English, works 12 hours a day six or seven days a week, and makes a mean tamale or authentic shawarma.

Throughout history, the sharing of a meal has been a way of bridging the gap between cultures.  I for one consider myself fortunate to live in a country that has (for the most part) encouraged people from all over the world to come to the United States and try to create a better life for themselves.  All it takes is an open mind and an empty stomach to realize that having a minor language gap is a small price to pay for a great meal made with earnest pride.  I will leave the demagoguery of this issue to the usual suspects.  If you want to get worked up about immigration, it is your right, but I won’t join you.  I’ll probably be picking up Indian takeout.

I would bring this with me to dinner parties, just in case they didn't have any hot sauce. I would also refuse [...]]]> So John and I both have our birthdays coming up, and my lovely roommate suggested the perfect present.  That’s right.  A Gallon Jug of Tabasco, printed all special-like with a personalized label.

I would bring this with me to dinner parties, just in case they didn't have any hot sauce. I would also refuse to share.

Between us, I honestly don’t even really like Tabasco.  Franks, Clancy’s Fancy, Sriracha, and Cholula stole my heart years ago.  However, the Habanero and smoky Chipotle versions are good and the sheer size of this hot sauce bears respect.

So.  To summarize.  I certainly would love to have this hot sauce on my shelf!  Hint hint!

Guy Fieri, serious chef or buffoonish clown?

The game show.  The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers.  And who can argue with them?  There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses.  [...]]]>

Guy Fieri, serious chef or buffoonish clown?

The game show.  The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers.  And who can argue with them?  There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses.  Now, it only takes a quick perusal of network tv to find some worthless piece of dreck that kills more brain cells in an hour than a weekend in Amsterdam.

Why write about game shows on a food website?  Perceptive question.  Please indulge me as to how we have arrived at this unfortunate place.  Last week, between watching the inspiring visage of Lindsey Vonn and the glorious competition known as Curling, I caught one of NBC’s ridiculous new show promos.  Was it Law and Order:  Restaurant Health Inspector?  A new sitcom about a mismatched pair of ex-cops (starring Don Johnson and Edward James Olmos) who open a pizzeria in Miami called Miami Slice?  No, it was much worse, my friends.  It was a game show called A Minute to Win it.  Apparently people without lives are called on to engage in an act of stupidity for one minute so they can win money.  What makes this so appalling?  The host is none other than our old friend, Guy Fieri.

We’ve had some fun with Guy here at EP.  If you are a quasi-regular reader you probably know we don’t think very highly of Guy.  In our opinion he is a buffoonish cartoon character.  When he was nominated for an EPIE Award for worst male personality, there was a howl of indignation from a small but vocal minority.  He didn’t win, thanks to the general asshattery of Bobby Flay, but poor Guy shouldn’t get too complacent, there is always next year.

What are you, Guy?  Are you a chef or a clown?  Was there a cooler version of you from 10 years ago, that if offered a time machine would travel into the future to kick your butt for even thinking about hosting a game show?  I have to say that all signs point to you being a clown.  And that is sad.  I didn’t care when you did commercials for TGI Fridays.  You want to make a little extra money before your 15 minutes expire, go for it, at least it was food related.  I won’t judge you for that.  But you can be damn sure that I will judge you for hosting a game show.

You see, Guy puts forth a certain image.  He has a few tats, he has spikey hair, and he wears his sunglasses in an unorthodox manner.  I suppose one could say that if he wears a clown suit, why is it wrong for him to behave like one?  The answer is simple; there are chefs out there with spikey hair, tats and unorthodox sunglass wearing methods who aren’t clowns.  They have style, they have flava.  They deserve better than being compared to Guy the Game Show Host.  Now, thanks to Guy Fieri they will be seen as not being serious chefs, fodder for poorly paid food bloggers to expose in overlong rants.

So again, why should we here at Epic Portions take Guy seriously if he doesn’t?  Beneath his exterior, I’m sure Guy fancies himself a serious chef.  Well guess what, by hosting a game show you no longer qualify as a serious chef, Guy.  Enjoy taking a big bite out of the raw cassava that is celebrity, it will poison you long after your game show and triple D days are over.

To those who were upset with our EPIE nom for worst personality for Guy, I throw down the gauntlet to you.  Defend this.  Make yourself watch the game show (make it quick, it probably won’t last long) and defend him.  I bet he throws out the same tired one-liners he has been saying since he started.

You are old and busted Guy, Adam Richman is the new hotness.  Someday you will have to head back to your restaurant to regain respectability.  But remember, your sous chef, line cooks, and dishwashers are laughing at you, not with you.

My birthday is a mere 14 days away, but more importantly everyone’s favorite seasonal wheat beer will be available in 29 days.  That’s right, Oberon season begins on March 30th.

The best place to celebrate this holiday is to get down to Sidetrack Bar & Grill on the 29th at the stroke of midnight(technically the 30th) [...]]]>

My birthday is a mere 14 days away, but more importantly everyone’s favorite seasonal wheat beer will be available in 29 days.  That’s right, Oberon season begins on March 30th.

The best place to celebrate this holiday is to get down to Sidetrack Bar & Grill on the 29th at the stroke of midnight(technically the 30th) for $2.95 25oz mugs until 1:00 AM and random giveaways.  It’s a great time every year.  If you’re in the area stop by and at least have a pint to help yourself forget some of the tragedies that happened this Winter.  By tragedies, I mean snow.  Not trying to get deep here.  If you miss out on the opening night, no worries.  Oberon pints will be $2.00 the entire day.

EP will be in attendance so if you’re planning on joining in let us know.  I would promise a free round for any reader who shows up, but I simply can’t.  My apologies for being poor.  Don’t judge me.

A little over a year ago, I discovered the berry-balsamic combination in all its greatness. I had just bought an ice cream maker, and since all the flavors in the little book seemed boring, I struck out on my own with strawberry-balsamic ice cream. I burned the hell out of the first batch of balsamic [...]]]>

A little over a year ago, I discovered the berry-balsamic combination in all its greatness. I had just bought an ice cream maker, and since all the flavors in the little book seemed boring, I struck out on my own with strawberry-balsamic ice cream. I burned the hell out of the first batch of balsamic reduction, and I thought my roomies would never forgive me for the smell, but it ended up being so delicious that I never looked back.

After last week’s very-rich-and-creamy chocolate cake, the masses were begging for fruit, and I decided a tart would do the trick. I really like the look of blackberries and kiwis, but any berry would do for this recipe. (Except maybe blueberries. Someone try that and let me know how it goes?) I don’t use shortening if I can help it, so the all-butter crust is courtesy of Paula Deen. The rest is generally my own.

(Side note: DO NOT try and make pie crust with cake flour. Even if it’s all you have and you really don’t want to run to the store again. It is going to turn into a disgusting, gelatinous goo. Trust me on this one.)

Blackberry-Balsamic & Kiwi Tart

Crust:
1 cup confectioner’s sugar
3 cups all purpose flour
3 sticks unsalted butter

Combine everything until it forms a doughy ball. (Miss Deen uses a food processor, others use a stand mixer. I own neither so used a hand mixer and it worked fine.) Grease a 9×11″ glass baking dish with butter, and pre-heat your oven to 350F. Roll dough on a floured surface until it is pie-crust thin and roughly the same shape as your baking dish. Place crust in baking dish, press the corners in and the sides up, and bake for 10-15 minutes or so until it’s flaky and slightly brown and generally done. Cool on a baking rack.

Blackberry-balsamic egg custard:
6 egg yolks, cool
1/2 cup white sugar
1/4 cup flour (I DID use cake flour here, and it was fine.)
4 tablespoons cornstarch
2.5 cups milk, cream, etc (I use about half heavy cream and about half whole milk, and it is yummy.)
3 tspn vanilla extract

18 oz whole fresh blackberries
1/2 cup white sugar (can be adjusted to suit your berries; I was way out of season and they were TART)
2-ish tablespoons tapioca granules
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

In a metal bowl, mix the egg yolks, 1/2 cup sugar, flour and cornstarch together until it forms a smooth, light yellow paste. Meanwhile, cook milk and vanilla extract on medium heat until JUST boiling. Remove from heat and add half to egg mixture in bowl, WHISKING CONSTANTLY to prevent sticking (it helps if you have three hands about now.)  Add the new mixture in the bowl back into the hot milk pot and keep on whisking. Return to medium heat and bring back JUST to a boil, and cook for about a minute more until it thickens and becomes hard to stir. Find that magic moment when it is as thick as you can get it without being burnt. Remove from heat, transfer to a clean bowl, and immediately cover and chill.

In a clean saucepan, put the blackberries, remaining sugar, and balsamic vinegar onto medium heat. Mash it a bit with a potato masher to smush up the berries. Gradually add up to 2 tblsn of tapioca to thicken, stirring well. Stir it well throughout, actually, and watch it closely, becuase burnt balsamic vinegar smells really vile. When it reaches a runny-but-jammy sort of consistency, remove from heat. Grab your chilling custard, add the blackberry compote, and beat with an electric mixer until well combined. Re-cover and put back in the fridge to chill completely through before assembling.

To assemble:
6 oz blackberries and 6 kiwis, give or take.

Slice kiwis into thin round slices, place on a plate, and stick in the freezer to chill. Wash the blackberries and stick them in the freezer, too.  When you’re almost ready to serve the tart, spoon the blackberry custard – completely chilled – into the cooled crust, and artfully place the chilled fruit on top. Devour.

Enjoy!