After eviscerating Guy Fieri last night, I feel it is necessary to speak positively about something this evening. And not Hoegaarden or bacon or salsa or anything obvious. Tonight, a brief word about the Cooking Channel, specifically the four o’clock hour.
Readers of this blog know full well that that same time block on Food Network is damn close to the hour of death. I’ve got nothing against Sunny Anderson other than the fact that I find her cooking show boring. Gina Neely has more personality in one of her fingernails. Giada at 4:30 is a true nightmare, a half hour of her is bad enough. Add to this the fact that Anne Burrell and Guy Fieri precede the four o’clock hour and you might need to add a vomitorium to your living room.
Cooking Channel to the rescue. At 4pm we have the lovely, talented, and lovely (did I say that twice?) Nigella Lawson, and at 4:30 we have the lovely and criminally underutilized Aida Mollenkamp. For a man in his thirties, there is more to drool over in this hour than food.
Nigella
Nigella is quite the saucy lass, lots of coquettish looks to the camera while she makes fig whateveradoo. Her recipes are hit and miss, but her personality is captivating. And at the end of her show she sultrily sneaks to the kitchen and prepares what appears to be a midnight snack. That my friends, is a real woman. No need to obnoxiously flash cleavage in my face, make up words like yumm-o, or talk about window treatments.
Aida
At 4:30, Aida takes over, and here is where the recipes come alive. The food she makes strikes directly at a man’s heart. She’ll stuff a raw chicken with marinade, cook up burgers with the best of them, and make side dishes that people actually want to eat, instead of tomato and cucumber salad. How Food Network allows her to languish on Cooking Channel and at the same time promote Anne Burrell and Alex Guarnaschelli completely boggles the mind.
So there it is, EP readers. I promised to be nice, and for the most part I was. This isn’t just me gushing about two attractive females, these ladies can cook, and I for one am glad that Cooking Channel exists so I can ignore FN and watch actual talent in the kitchen.
It’s been awhile since we last made fun of Guy Fieri. That has been fine with me, I know his barely coherent tweets make for perfect examples of Guy’s legendary douchebaggery, but overall he is too easy of a target. So we’ve eased up on the Guy bashing, and judging by the e-mail I’ve received, many of you are not happy about it. Well, wait no longer my friends. Besides, did you think I would have six posts in seven nights without one about Guy?
I was leafing through my cat’s copy of Food Network Magazine the other day (yes, my cat really does have a subscription to FN Magazine, it’s a long story) and what did I stumble upon but an advertisement for Guy Fieri’s Knuckle Sandwich Series Knives. I kid you not, gentle reader, that is what they are called. Sometimes truth is douchier than fiction. Isn’t a knuckle sandwich a euphemism for a punch to the mouth? How is that related to a knife in any way? Oh right, it’s really lame. Fits Guy to a “T.”
Who wouldn't want to buy a knife from this clown?
Knife sets rely almost exclusively on slick marketing. If you purchase a high quality knife set (or like me receive one as a wedding gift) and treat them with loving care they will last a very long time. So the only way to get someone with a perfectly good knife set to buy a new one is to market it in a way that makes it irresistible. And judging from the gullibility of the Guy Fieri Mafia, I’m sure they are selling like spikey-haired hot cakes.
The knife set, excuse me, the Knuckle Sandwich Series Knife set, consists of four rockin’ blades. The “Big Stick” is an all-purpose chef’s knife. Former President Theodore Roosevelt coined the phrase, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.” Which means that if you have massive military power, or a badass knife, you should STFU about it and not make a big spectacle of yourself. Which pretty much should exclude Guy Fieri from being associated with it.
The Big Stick and the Dragon Dagger. I feel 23 % douchier just typing those words.
There is also a serrated knife, called the “Dragon Dagger,” which is ironically the name of the serrated knife Beowulf used to slay the dragon before suffering his own mortal wound in the eponymous epic poem (we know about all things epic here at EP). Also, isn’t a dagger for stabbing? Anyone need to stab a loaf of bread with a dagger? Imagine if Guy had left one of his knives at Juliet’s side, Shakespeare would never be the same. “O Happy Dragon Dagger,” cried Juliet, “I shall use your serrated blade to exeunt from this mortal coil. But first I willst slice this tomato.”
The other knives include the “Lil’ Guy,” which thankfully is not the name of Guy’s penis but a paring knife. And that is all I have to say about that.
Finally, there is the “Chopper.” I guess whoever was in charge of coming up with edgy, Guy Fieri-esque names decided to leave early that day. One must assume this knife is for chopping things.
We’ll be on the lookout for the next Guy Fieri endorsed products to emerge. Hair gel, sunglasses, home pregnancy tests (if it says money, you are pregnant!), and the one I’m most looking forward to, the Guy Fieri brand sensory deprivation tank. Enter the tank and be guaranteed of freedom from all things Guy, if only for a little while.
Ugh…as if this wasn’t bad enough, our spies have uncovered another Food Network Movie Project.
Executive Producer Jerry Bruckheimer
and
FN Films presents:
un film de Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Tom Cruise as Bobby Flay
and
Nicole Kidman as Sandra Lee
in
Mouths Wide Open
Are you ready for a couch jumping Throwdown?
Also Starring:
Jeff Daniels as Alton Brown
Daniel Day-Lewis as Emeril Lagasse
I'm going to teach you to julienne carrots with this knife!!!!
Courtney Cox as Rachael Ray
Jessica Simpson as Giada De Laurentiis
The Rock as Robert Irvine
Tyler Perry as Paula Deen
Ice Cube as Pat Neely
Regina Hall as Gina Neely
Jason Bateman as Tyler Florence
Bart Simpson as Guy Fieri
That burrito is on point, man.
Queen Latifah as Sunny Anderson
Ewan McGregor as Ted Allen
Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli
Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli and Gargamel as Aaron Sanchez
Robert DeNiro as Mario Batali
Piper Perabo as Kat Cora
Piper Perabo as Iron Chef Cora
Samuel L. Jackson as Aaron McCargo Jr.
Tina Fey as Robin Miller
Guy Fieri as Anne Burrell
Zooey Deschanel as Aida Mollenkamp
500 Days of Aida
With:
Colin Firth as Gordon Ramsay
Seth Rogan as Adam Richman
And
George Clooney as Anthony Bourdain
Editor’s Note: We have been notified that Bart Simpson has refused to portray Guy Fieri. Mr. Simpson was quoted as saying “I don’t want to play some lame-ass game show host, man. I have standards.” The role of Guy Fieri will now be played by Samuel L. Jackson, who will play multiple roles a la Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove.
Mmmmm....now that burger is money.
Editor’s Second Note: Daniel Day-Lewis’ routine of character immersion and method acting has led to his retirement (again) from making movies. Mr. Day-Lewis now owns and operates his own restaurant, “The Last of the Crustaceans” in Lake Charles, Louisiana where he currently resides.
I abandoned my career!!!
Editor’s Third (and final) Note: We have been notified that Samuel L. Jackson has left the project and refuses to portray Guy Fieri. He was last heard storming off the set while yelling “I want these motherfucking sunglasses, off the back of my motherfucking head!” The role of Aaron McCargo Jr. will now be played by Curtis (50 Cent) Jackson and the role of Guy Fieri will be played by Corey Feldman.
Corey Feldman as Guy Fieri
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