Posts tagged as:

food network

It has been too long, my friends.  I know I casually dropped by a few days ago with my Mr. Bourdain Goes to Cuba rant, but I wanted to formally say hello again as my absence has been far too lengthy. 

Six months off food writing can change a man.  I spent the last month engaged in the oh-so-narcissistic act of reading many of my previous posts.  How can I improve?  Did I say anything relevant before my break?  Why did I spend so much time obsessing about Food Network?

The answers are, like a properly prepared pomodoro, simple yet complex.  Improvement as a writer comes with practice, so by assuming my place here at EP I will no doubt improve.  I may or may not have written anything relevant, that is for you, the reader, to decide.  As for Food Network, I owe a lot to FN.  I received a culinary education from the likes of Alton Brown, Mario Batali, Emeril, and even Bobby Flay.  The fact that their programming has gone to shit is not my concern, and certainly not worth my time or witty insults.  They never owed me a thing.  If people want to watch Guy Fieri or Anne Burrell then more power to all of them.  I will leave Food Network with a gracious thank you and move on.

I do want to issue one very earnest retraction.  In my anger over my beloved Man v. Food visiting Tios, I called Adam Richman a loser.  He most certainly is not.  I look like an asshole for making that statement, and it is beneath you, the reader, and me to make such a stupid claim.  Adam Richman has entertained me countless times, and my son and I love his show.  (More on M v. F in an upcoming post, as we all have noticed the change in format).  Adam comes across as a great guy.  Likeable, funny, friendly.  All the things I wasn’t when I insulted him.  Consider this an apology.  To him and to you.  You deserve a higher level of discourse.

In the future, I hope to continue to bring humor to EP.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when you are a stay at home Dad if you can’t find humor in life you will surely run amok.  Not that my running amok wouldn’t be humorous, I suppose, but you get the idea.  Humor is good.  I plan on writing more about my efforts to properly introduce my children to the larger world of food—that which exists beyond chicken nuggets and boxed mac and cheese.  I will cast a cynical eye on the important food issues of the day, from the welcome increased focus on local ingredients to the horrors of our national food safety policies.

Most importantly, I will endeavor to continue to write in the spirit of Epic Portions—great food, devoured with enthusiasm.  John and Todd founded this blog and laid the groundwork for its success by sharing their humor, love of eating, and willingness to be bold in the search for delicious food.  I see no reason to venture too far from that formula.

Finally, a sincere thank you to those of you who keep Epic Portions on their internet radar.  Aside from being called a few nasty names (probably some of it deservedly so), my interactions with you have been a lot of fun.  I like debate and disagreement.  Call me out if I’m an idiot, I need that sometimes.

In my re-reading of my previous writings, I noticed that I certainly wrote quite a few beer reviews.  On that note, and in anticipation of the awesomeness that is the upcoming Michigan Summer Beer Festival right here in my hometown, I’ll have a new review up on Monday.  Until then I invite you to “like” us on facebook where I will re-post a few of my old reviews.

{ 4 comments }

Nigella and Aida

by Jeremy on July 19, 2010 · 2 comments

After eviscerating Guy Fieri last night, I feel it is necessary to speak positively about something this evening.  And not Hoegaarden or bacon or salsa or anything obvious.  Tonight, a brief word about the Cooking Channel, specifically the four o’clock hour.

Readers of this blog know full well that that same time block on Food Network is damn close to the hour of death.  I’ve got nothing against Sunny Anderson other than the fact that I find her cooking show boring.  Gina Neely has more personality in one of her fingernails.  Giada at 4:30 is a true nightmare, a half hour of her is bad enough.  Add to this the fact that Anne Burrell and Guy Fieri precede the four o’clock hour and you might need to add a vomitorium to your living room.

Cooking Channel to the rescue.  At 4pm we have the lovely, talented, and lovely (did I say that twice?) Nigella Lawson, and at 4:30 we have the lovely and criminally underutilized Aida Mollenkamp.  For a man in his thirties, there is more to drool over in this hour than food.

Nigella

Nigella is quite the saucy lass, lots of coquettish looks to the camera while she makes fig whateveradoo.  Her recipes are hit and miss, but her personality is captivating.  And at the end of her show she sultrily sneaks to the kitchen and prepares what appears to be a midnight snack.  That my friends, is a real woman.  No need to obnoxiously flash cleavage in my face, make up words like yumm-o, or talk about window treatments.

Aida

At 4:30, Aida takes over, and here is where the recipes come alive.  The food she makes strikes directly at a man’s heart.  She’ll stuff a raw chicken with marinade, cook up burgers with the best of them, and make side dishes that people actually want to eat, instead of tomato and cucumber salad.  How Food Network allows her to languish on Cooking Channel and at the same time promote Anne Burrell and Alex Guarnaschelli completely boggles the mind.

So there it is, EP readers.  I promised to be nice, and for the most part I was.  This isn’t just me gushing about two attractive females, these ladies can cook, and I for one am glad that Cooking Channel exists so I can ignore FN and watch actual talent in the kitchen.

{ 2 comments }

Guy Fieri Knife Set

by Jeremy on July 18, 2010 · 3 comments

It’s been awhile since we last made fun of Guy Fieri.  That has been fine with me, I know his barely coherent tweets make for perfect examples of Guy’s legendary douchebaggery, but overall he is too easy of a target.  So we’ve eased up on the Guy bashing, and judging by the e-mail I’ve received, many of you are not happy about it.  Well, wait no longer my friends.  Besides, did you think I would have six posts in seven nights without one about Guy?

I was leafing through my cat’s copy of Food Network Magazine the other day (yes, my cat really does have a subscription to FN Magazine, it’s a long story) and what did I stumble upon but an advertisement for Guy Fieri’s Knuckle Sandwich Series Knives.  I kid you not, gentle reader, that is what they are called.  Sometimes truth is douchier than fiction.  Isn’t a knuckle sandwich a euphemism for a punch to the mouth?  How is that related to a knife in any way?  Oh right, it’s really lame.  Fits Guy to a “T.”

Who wouldn't want to buy a knife from this clown?

Knife sets rely almost exclusively on slick marketing.  If you purchase a high quality knife set (or like me receive one as a wedding gift) and treat them with loving care they will last a very long time.  So the only way to get someone with a perfectly good knife set to buy a new one is to market it in a way that makes it irresistible.  And judging from the gullibility of the Guy Fieri Mafia, I’m sure they are selling like spikey-haired hot cakes.

The knife set, excuse me, the Knuckle Sandwich Series Knife set, consists of four rockin’ blades.  The “Big Stick” is an all-purpose chef’s knife.  Former President Theodore Roosevelt coined the phrase, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.”  Which means that if you have massive military power, or a badass knife, you should STFU about it and not make a big spectacle of yourself.  Which pretty much should exclude Guy Fieri from being associated with it.

The Big Stick and the Dragon Dagger. I feel 23 % douchier just typing those words.

There is also a serrated knife, called the “Dragon Dagger,” which is ironically the name of the serrated knife Beowulf used to slay the dragon before suffering his own mortal wound in the eponymous epic poem (we know about all things epic here at EP).  Also, isn’t a dagger for stabbing?  Anyone need to stab a loaf of bread with a dagger?  Imagine if Guy had left one of his knives at Juliet’s side,  Shakespeare would never be the same. “O Happy Dragon Dagger,” cried Juliet, “I shall use your serrated blade to exeunt from this mortal coil.  But first I willst slice this tomato.”

The other knives include the “Lil’ Guy,” which thankfully is not the name of Guy’s penis but a paring knife.  And that is all I have to say about that.

Finally, there is the “Chopper.”  I guess whoever was in charge of coming up with edgy, Guy Fieri-esque names decided to leave early that day.  One must assume this knife is for chopping things.

We’ll be on the lookout for the next Guy Fieri endorsed products to emerge.  Hair gel, sunglasses, home pregnancy tests (if it says money, you are pregnant!), and the one I’m most looking forward to, the Guy Fieri brand sensory deprivation tank.  Enter the tank and be guaranteed of freedom from all things Guy, if only for a little while.

{ 3 comments }

Ugh…as if this wasn’t bad enough, our spies have uncovered another Food Network Movie Project.

Executive Producer Jerry Bruckheimer 

and 

FN Films presents: 

un film de Jean-Pierre Jeunet 

Tom Cruise as Bobby Flay 

and 

Nicole Kidman as Sandra Lee 

in 

Mouths Wide Open 

 
 

Are you ready for a couch jumping Throwdown?

Also Starring: 

Jeff Daniels as Alton Brown

Daniel Day-Lewis as Emeril Lagasse

I'm going to teach you to julienne carrots with this knife!!!!

 Courtney Cox as Rachael Ray

Jessica Simpson as Giada De Laurentiis

The Rock as Robert Irvine

Tyler Perry as Paula Deen

Ice Cube as Pat Neely

Regina Hall as Gina Neely

Jason Bateman as Tyler Florence

Bart Simpson as Guy Fieri

That burrito is on point, man.

 
Queen Latifah as Sunny Anderson

Ewan McGregor as Ted Allen

Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli 

Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli and Gargamel as Aaron Sanchez

Robert DeNiro as Mario Batali

Piper Perabo as Kat Cora 

Piper Perabo as Iron Chef Cora

Samuel L. Jackson as Aaron McCargo Jr.

Tina Fey as Robin Miller

Guy Fieri as Anne Burrell

Zooey Deschanel as Aida Mollenkamp 

500 Days of Aida

With:

Colin Firth as Gordon Ramsay

Seth Rogan as Adam Richman

And

George Clooney as Anthony Bourdain

Editor’s Note:  We have been notified that Bart Simpson has refused to portray Guy Fieri.  Mr. Simpson was quoted as saying “I don’t want to play some lame-ass game show host, man.  I have standards.”  The role of Guy Fieri will now be played by Samuel L. Jackson, who will play multiple roles a la Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove.  

Mmmmm....now that burger is money.

Editor’s Second Note:  Daniel Day-Lewis’ routine of character immersion and method acting has led to his retirement (again) from making movies.  Mr. Day-Lewis now owns and operates his own restaurant, “The Last of the Crustaceans” in Lake Charles, Louisiana where he currently resides.

I abandoned my career!!!

 Editor’s Third (and final) Note:  We have been notified that Samuel L. Jackson has left the project and refuses to portray Guy Fieri.  He was last heard storming off the set while yelling “I want these motherfucking sunglasses, off the back of my motherfucking head!”  The role of Aaron McCargo Jr. will now be played by Curtis (50 Cent) Jackson and the role of Guy Fieri will be played by Corey Feldman.

Corey Feldman as Guy Fieri

{ 3 comments }

Dear Food Network, You Suck. Again.

March 31, 2010

This week should have been a typical week.  Take my son to kindergarten.  Play with my daughter.  Make dinner for family.  Wrap dead fish in newspaper and mail to Food Network. Wait, ok, that last part is somewhat atypical.  While, like most people, I do mail the occasional dead fish ...

Read the full article →

Why, Guy?

March 3, 2010

The game show.  The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers.  And who can argue with them?  There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses.  Now, it only takes ...

Read the full article →

Food Network Goes Hollywood!!

February 15, 2010

It was bound to happen. After having a taste of the pate de canard en croute that is celebrity, the cocksure cuisinier at the Food Network have decided it is time for a mass leap onto the silver screen. With the help of our intricate network of spies, Epic Portions ...

Read the full article →