After eviscerating Guy Fieri last night, I feel it is necessary to speak positively about something this evening.  And not Hoegaarden or bacon or salsa or anything obvious.  Tonight, a brief word about the Cooking Channel, specifically the four o’clock hour.

Readers of this blog know full well that that same time block on Food Network is damn close to the hour of death.  I’ve got nothing against Sunny Anderson other than the fact that I find her cooking show boring.  Gina Neely has more personality in one of her fingernails.  Giada at 4:30 is a true nightmare, a half hour of her is bad enough.  Add to this the fact that Anne Burrell and Guy Fieri precede the four o’clock hour and you might need to add a vomitorium to your living room.

Cooking Channel to the rescue.  At 4pm we have the lovely, talented, and lovely (did I say that twice?) Nigella Lawson, and at 4:30 we have the lovely and criminally underutilized Aida Mollenkamp.  For a man in his thirties, there is more to drool over in this hour than food.

Nigella

Nigella is quite the saucy lass, lots of coquettish looks to the camera while she makes fig whateveradoo.  Her recipes are hit and miss, but her personality is captivating.  And at the end of her show she sultrily sneaks to the kitchen and prepares what appears to be a midnight snack.  That my friends, is a real woman.  No need to obnoxiously flash cleavage in my face, make up words like yumm-o, or talk about window treatments.

Aida

At 4:30, Aida takes over, and here is where the recipes come alive.  The food she makes strikes directly at a man’s heart.  She’ll stuff a raw chicken with marinade, cook up burgers with the best of them, and make side dishes that people actually want to eat, instead of tomato and cucumber salad.  How Food Network allows her to languish on Cooking Channel and at the same time promote Anne Burrell and Alex Guarnaschelli completely boggles the mind.

So there it is, EP readers.  I promised to be nice, and for the most part I was.  This isn’t just me gushing about two attractive females, these ladies can cook, and I for one am glad that Cooking Channel exists so I can ignore FN and watch actual talent in the kitchen.

It’s been awhile since we last made fun of Guy Fieri.  That has been fine with me, I know his barely coherent tweets make for perfect examples of Guy’s legendary douchebaggery, but overall he is too easy of a target.  So we’ve eased up on the Guy bashing, and judging by the e-mail I’ve received, many of you are not happy about it.  Well, wait no longer my friends.  Besides, did you think I would have six posts in seven nights without one about Guy?

I was leafing through my cat’s copy of Food Network Magazine the other day (yes, my cat really does have a subscription to FN Magazine, it’s a long story) and what did I stumble upon but an advertisement for Guy Fieri’s Knuckle Sandwich Series Knives.  I kid you not, gentle reader, that is what they are called.  Sometimes truth is douchier than fiction.  Isn’t a knuckle sandwich a euphemism for a punch to the mouth?  How is that related to a knife in any way?  Oh right, it’s really lame.  Fits Guy to a “T.”

Who wouldn't want to buy a knife from this clown?

Knife sets rely almost exclusively on slick marketing.  If you purchase a high quality knife set (or like me receive one as a wedding gift) and treat them with loving care they will last a very long time.  So the only way to get someone with a perfectly good knife set to buy a new one is to market it in a way that makes it irresistible.  And judging from the gullibility of the Guy Fieri Mafia, I’m sure they are selling like spikey-haired hot cakes.

The knife set, excuse me, the Knuckle Sandwich Series Knife set, consists of four rockin’ blades.  The “Big Stick” is an all-purpose chef’s knife.  Former President Theodore Roosevelt coined the phrase, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.”  Which means that if you have massive military power, or a badass knife, you should STFU about it and not make a big spectacle of yourself.  Which pretty much should exclude Guy Fieri from being associated with it.

The Big Stick and the Dragon Dagger. I feel 23 % douchier just typing those words.

There is also a serrated knife, called the “Dragon Dagger,” which is ironically the name of the serrated knife Beowulf used to slay the dragon before suffering his own mortal wound in the eponymous epic poem (we know about all things epic here at EP).  Also, isn’t a dagger for stabbing?  Anyone need to stab a loaf of bread with a dagger?  Imagine if Guy had left one of his knives at Juliet’s side,  Shakespeare would never be the same. “O Happy Dragon Dagger,” cried Juliet, “I shall use your serrated blade to exeunt from this mortal coil.  But first I willst slice this tomato.”

The other knives include the “Lil’ Guy,” which thankfully is not the name of Guy’s penis but a paring knife.  And that is all I have to say about that.

Finally, there is the “Chopper.”  I guess whoever was in charge of coming up with edgy, Guy Fieri-esque names decided to leave early that day.  One must assume this knife is for chopping things.

We’ll be on the lookout for the next Guy Fieri endorsed products to emerge.  Hair gel, sunglasses, home pregnancy tests (if it says money, you are pregnant!), and the one I’m most looking forward to, the Guy Fieri brand sensory deprivation tank.  Enter the tank and be guaranteed of freedom from all things Guy, if only for a little while.

Ugh…as if this wasn’t bad enough, our spies have uncovered another Food Network Movie Project.

Executive Producer Jerry Bruckheimer 

and 

FN Films presents: 

un film de Jean-Pierre Jeunet 

Tom Cruise as Bobby Flay 

and 

Nicole Kidman as Sandra Lee 

in 

Mouths Wide Open 

Are you ready for a couch jumping Throwdown?

Also Starring: 

Jeff Daniels as Alton Brown

Daniel Day-Lewis as Emeril Lagasse

I'm going to teach you to julienne carrots with this knife!!!!

 Courtney Cox as Rachael Ray

Jessica Simpson as Giada De Laurentiis

The Rock as Robert Irvine

Tyler Perry as Paula Deen

Ice Cube as Pat Neely

Regina Hall as Gina Neely

Jason Bateman as Tyler Florence

Bart Simpson as Guy Fieri

That burrito is on point, man.

 

Queen Latifah as Sunny Anderson

Ewan McGregor as Ted Allen

Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli 

Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli and Gargamel as Aaron Sanchez

Robert DeNiro as Mario Batali

Piper Perabo as Kat Cora 

Piper Perabo as Iron Chef Cora

Samuel L. Jackson as Aaron McCargo Jr.

Tina Fey as Robin Miller

Guy Fieri as Anne Burrell

Zooey Deschanel as Aida Mollenkamp 

500 Days of Aida

With:

Colin Firth as Gordon Ramsay

Seth Rogan as Adam Richman

And

George Clooney as Anthony Bourdain

Editor’s Note:  We have been notified that Bart Simpson has refused to portray Guy Fieri.  Mr. Simpson was quoted as saying “I don’t want to play some lame-ass game show host, man.  I have standards.”  The role of Guy Fieri will now be played by Samuel L. Jackson, who will play multiple roles a la Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove.  

Mmmmm....now that burger is money.

Editor’s Second Note:  Daniel Day-Lewis’ routine of character immersion and method acting has led to his retirement (again) from making movies.  Mr. Day-Lewis now owns and operates his own restaurant, “The Last of the Crustaceans” in Lake Charles, Louisiana where he currently resides.

I abandoned my career!!!

 Editor’s Third (and final) Note:  We have been notified that Samuel L. Jackson has left the project and refuses to portray Guy Fieri.  He was last heard storming off the set while yelling “I want these motherfucking sunglasses, off the back of my motherfucking head!”  The role of Aaron McCargo Jr. will now be played by Curtis (50 Cent) Jackson and the role of Guy Fieri will be played by Corey Feldman.

Corey Feldman as Guy Fieri

This week should have been a typical week.  Take my son to kindergarten.  Play with my daughter.  Make dinner for family.  Wrap dead fish in newspaper and mail to Food Network.

Wait, ok, that last part is somewhat atypical.  While, like most people, I do mail the occasional dead fish to someone who has grieved me in some way, this would mark only the second time I have sent one to the Food Network.  I really don’t want to get into the first time, as there was some, shall we say, unpleasantness.  Let me just tell you that if you are going to send a dead fish to Sandra Lee, do not include your return address.  Amateur mistake.

It wasn't me Sandra, I swear. It was Rahm Emmanuel!

You see, every afternoon at 3:30 after I pick my son up from school, I like to turn on FN just to see what Tyler Florence is making.  Sometimes I turn it right off, but every now and then he has a great menu on his show, Tyler’s Ultimate.  One nice thing about FN (and believe me, other than Alton Brown, there probably is only one other nice thing) is that it is age appropriate programming.  The only time FN is inappropriate is for 12-14 year old males during Everyday Italian.

So what did our clueless amigos at FN do?  They moved him to 11am (dead zone time) to occupy Michael Chiarello’s old time slot.  As a side note, I always liked Easy Entertaining, it was like spending part of the morning in Napa, and Mike is a pretty damn good chef. 

You'd be this happy too if you lived in Napa, had a basket of wine and were leaving Food Network

I know what you are saying.  Hardly reason to send a dead fish, right.  True.  Read on…

Guess who is on at 3:30 now?  I won’t keep you in suspense, it is Anne Burrell.  You are either saying who the fuck is that, or throwing up in your mouth.  Who likes her?  Anyone?  Perhaps there is an Anne Burrell fan club out there ready to attack me like the Guy Fieri mafia.  I doubt it.  Her show, Secrets of a Restaurant Chef  is, to put it simply, awful.  I know Tyler Florence isn’t exactly Mr. Excitement but at least he was watchable.

It gets better.  What genius thought it was a good idea to put Anne on right after Guy’s Big Bite?  Not only are you cramming two of the worst personalities FN has to offer into the same hour, but are you oblivious to the fact that they look almost exactly alike?  I expect there will be a lot of confused soccer moms.  I’m tired of FN propping up utterly loathsome personalities.  From Guy Fieri, to Anne Burrell, to Alex Guarnaschelli, it just keeps getting worse and worse.

Anne Burrell

Guy Fieri, sans glasses

As it stands now, aside from EPIE research, my FN viewing is down to Good Eats and sometimes Chopped.  The day Alton Brown leaves will be the end of the line for me and Food Network.

So…they get a dead fish.  Oh yeah, and also because the show The Best Thing I Ever Ate is self-indulgent garbage. 

The best part of this story is that I threw in a bottle of ancho chili powder along with the fish, hoping to entice Bobby Flay to be a big show off and try to cook it.  Joke is on him, I let that thing sit in the sun for three days; it has more bacteria in it than all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses combined.

Come to think of it, I just thought of a helpful way to help El Tigre defeat his sex addiction problem.  Carry a picture of Anne Burrell around with you at ALL TIMES.  That’ll keep your driver in the bag.

(OK, that was really mean, even for me.  If I ever meet Anne Burrell she has permission to punch me.)

Guy Fieri, serious chef or buffoonish clown?

The game show.  The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers.  And who can argue with them?  There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses.  Now, it only takes a quick perusal of network tv to find some worthless piece of dreck that kills more brain cells in an hour than a weekend in Amsterdam.

Why write about game shows on a food website?  Perceptive question.  Please indulge me as to how we have arrived at this unfortunate place.  Last week, between watching the inspiring visage of Lindsey Vonn and the glorious competition known as Curling, I caught one of NBC’s ridiculous new show promos.  Was it Law and Order:  Restaurant Health Inspector?  A new sitcom about a mismatched pair of ex-cops (starring Don Johnson and Edward James Olmos) who open a pizzeria in Miami called Miami Slice?  No, it was much worse, my friends.  It was a game show called A Minute to Win it.  Apparently people without lives are called on to engage in an act of stupidity for one minute so they can win money.  What makes this so appalling?  The host is none other than our old friend, Guy Fieri.

We’ve had some fun with Guy here at EP.  If you are a quasi-regular reader you probably know we don’t think very highly of Guy.  In our opinion he is a buffoonish cartoon character.  When he was nominated for an EPIE Award for worst male personality, there was a howl of indignation from a small but vocal minority.  He didn’t win, thanks to the general asshattery of Bobby Flay, but poor Guy shouldn’t get too complacent, there is always next year.

What are you, Guy?  Are you a chef or a clown?  Was there a cooler version of you from 10 years ago, that if offered a time machine would travel into the future to kick your butt for even thinking about hosting a game show?  I have to say that all signs point to you being a clown.  And that is sad.  I didn’t care when you did commercials for TGI Fridays.  You want to make a little extra money before your 15 minutes expire, go for it, at least it was food related.  I won’t judge you for that.  But you can be damn sure that I will judge you for hosting a game show.

You see, Guy puts forth a certain image.  He has a few tats, he has spikey hair, and he wears his sunglasses in an unorthodox manner.  I suppose one could say that if he wears a clown suit, why is it wrong for him to behave like one?  The answer is simple; there are chefs out there with spikey hair, tats and unorthodox sunglass wearing methods who aren’t clowns.  They have style, they have flava.  They deserve better than being compared to Guy the Game Show Host.  Now, thanks to Guy Fieri they will be seen as not being serious chefs, fodder for poorly paid food bloggers to expose in overlong rants.

So again, why should we here at Epic Portions take Guy seriously if he doesn’t?  Beneath his exterior, I’m sure Guy fancies himself a serious chef.  Well guess what, by hosting a game show you no longer qualify as a serious chef, Guy.  Enjoy taking a big bite out of the raw cassava that is celebrity, it will poison you long after your game show and triple D days are over.

To those who were upset with our EPIE nom for worst personality for Guy, I throw down the gauntlet to you.  Defend this.  Make yourself watch the game show (make it quick, it probably won’t last long) and defend him.  I bet he throws out the same tired one-liners he has been saying since he started.

You are old and busted Guy, Adam Richman is the new hotness.  Someday you will have to head back to your restaurant to regain respectability.  But remember, your sous chef, line cooks, and dishwashers are laughing at you, not with you.

It was bound to happen. After having a taste of the pate de canard en croute that is celebrity, the cocksure cuisinier at the Food Network have decided it is time for a mass leap onto the silver screen. With the help of our intricate network of spies, Epic Portions has been able to get a glimpse of the plot outlines in the works for these dinner time divas. It is our pleasure to share them with you, our loyal readers. Does Oscar beckon our culinary heroes, or will they crash harder than Emeril on NBC? Time will tell, but you may judge the potential of these films for yourself.

Man on Fieri

We’re rollin’ out to Mexico!  While eating lunch during a vacation, Guy jumps behind the counter and heads to the kitchen to tell the cook that his tamale was money. Unfortunately, several members of the Mexican Mafia at the restaurant overhear him yelling “Dinero! Dinero!” at the cook and decide to kidnap the crazy looking and eccentric gringo. Upon hearing of Guy’s kidnapping, fellow Food Network Star winner Aaron McCargo goes beserk and destroys half of Mexico rescuing Guy and bringing him back to safety. Directed by Michael Bay.

Requiem for a Deen

A venture into the dramatic for Paula Deen, Requiem for a Deen tells the story of a woman so riddled with an addiction to butter that she is forced to engage in unspeakable acts just to feed her habit. During the climactic downward spiral into delusion and depravity, Paula holds a charity bake sale using margarine because she freebased the 10 sticks of butter she was supposed to use to make her pecan chewies.

Evil Bread: Bread by Dawn

Chef Robert Irvine is faced with his greatest challenge ever. Only able to use the contents of a dumpster behind a Subway and two EZ-Bake Ovens, Chef Robert is supposed to bake enough bread for the Michigan State football team’s annual banquet. Realizing he will need supernatural help to complete his task, he resorts to reading from the “Cookbook of the Dead,” causing the release of evil spirits, not the least of which is a severed hand that attacks him during a thrilling scene where Chef Robert slays his possessed sous chef with a cheese grater. To deal with the severed hand, Chef Robert launches into a verbal tirade so viscous, so devastating, that the hand gives up and gets put to work kneading the dough, helping Chef Robert complete his task by dawn.

Super Molto Mario

Help! Princess Giada has been kidnapped by the evil Bobby Flay! Watch as Mario Batali powers up on porcini mushrooms and battles Bobby’s evil minions, played by Seth Rogan and Bill Heder. After Mario defeats them and several other monsters, an uncredited Anthony Bourdain shows up with some “special” mushrooms to help Mario. Tony’s special shrooms give Mario the wisdom to give up and let Bobby keep Giada, where he forces her to become a kitchen test cook for Throwdown.

Ray

Ray is an inspiring biopic starring the effervescent and effusive Rachael Ray. It tells the amazing story of how one person overcame the debilitating handicap of being extremely annoying to forge a multi-million dollar media empire.

Cocktail II: Cougar Patrol

Yes, its Cocktail time as Sandra Lee stars in the only authorized sequel of the bunch. After microwaving a bunch of stuff and calling it a cooking show, Food Network execs give Sandra the pink slip, leaving her unemployed. She decides to leave the hectic food scene of NYC to head for the Bahamas to work as a bartender. There she finds romantic fun and sun, headlined by torrid affairs with a vacationing college student played by Twilight star Robert Pattinson, and a local medical intern played by Shia LeBeouf. Will Sandra decide to stay with the younger, fun-loving Robert, the brilliant (but passionate!) Shia, or embrace romance with the easy-going humor of the bar owner played by Matthew McConaughey?

Ina Garten Cop

Tired of being forced to have the most boring show on Food Network, Ina Garten makes a career change, just in time to stop a terrorist (portrayed by the guy who played Samir in Office Space) hell-bent on destroying her neighbor P. Diddy’s mansion.  Along with her partner, a normally undercover vice cop played by James Franco, Ina has to stop the plot and make lobster ravioli for Jeffrey before the terrorist blows up Diddy’s mansion, setting off a destructive “doomsday device” that will trigger the end of the world.

Tyler Perry’s I Can Do BBQ All By Myself

Watch out Gina! When sassy Sunny Anderson moves in next door, Gina’s long lost Grandmother Madea is afraid she will try to seduce Pat, all while Gina is working overtime to prepare for the big church barbecue. It turns out that Sunny is there to help Gina, as she discovers the church barbecue is a ruse by Bobby Flay to show up and challenge Gina to a barbecue throwdown. As Gina and Sunny prepare to defeat Bobby, the competition never takes place after Madea beats him over the head with a meat tenderizer when he shows up with plum glazed pork ribs for the throwdown.

The ballots have been counted, and the suspense is over. For some, the winning of an EPIE will represent the pinnacle of achievement, a veritable dollop of sour cream on the bowl of chili of life. For others, it was an honor to be nominated, now go back to your show and try harder. And for the winners of our worst categories, please take this award as an opportunity to GO AWAY! Or at least take stock in your self and your show and find ways not to suck so badly.

Here are the nominees and winners, winners are in bold italics.

BEST SHOW: Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Good Eats, Iron Chef America

Alton Brown may be trying his best to achieve overexposure, but his primary endeavor, Good Eats, remains the greatest thing to happen to food programming since Julia Child. We love No Reservations, it was a legitimate second, but Iron Chef America should go home happy with the nomination. It still pales in comparison to the Japanese version, and what’s with Chairman Junior not biting the pepper? Weak…

WORST SHOW: $10 Dinners, Semi Homemade, Food Network Challenge

Ok, ok…Food Network Challenge is quite possibly the most boring hour on television. But as John so eloquently put it, Challenge is like watching NASCAR, boring as hell but there is always a chance for a crash, or in the case of Challenge, a collapsed cake. $10 Dinners is appalling on many levels, but dignifying that show with a “Worst” award gives it too much credit. No, for us, there is no worse show in the universe of food than Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee. Whether it is life changing advice like, “Using pre-sliced mushrooms will save you time” or her snooze inducing tablescape nonsense at the end of each episode, Sandra pushes the limits of credibility as a food host with every show. If you want to be Martha Stewart, go ahead, but we insist you do a stint in the slammer as well.

BEST MALE PERSONALITY: Alton Brown, Anthony Bourdain, Zane Lamprey

Anthony Bourdain represents the anti-celebrity chef, and we here at EP appreciate what he has done to belittle the clowns who are celebrities first, and chefs second. While we obviously love Alton Brown, and Zane Lamprey has the greatest job in the world (as he says, he travels around the world and gets drunk so we don’t have to), Tony Bourdain stands in his own league. He is Dave Brubeck, Miles Davis or Johnny Cash to the rest of the food world’s Nickelback. Women want him, and men want to be him. I think he even kicked Chuck Norris’ ass once…

WORST MALE PERSONALITY: Bobby Flay, Guy Fieri, Ted Allen

Yes, Guy Fieri is an over the top cartoon character. But I just can’t help but shake the feeling that beneath the perfectly coiffed disheveled look, Guy is actually a pretty decent person that you could have a beer with. Bobby Flay, however, is a different story. Try as he might to be nice on screen, he still comes across as a prick. And I’ll bet in real life he is worse. Oh, he’s a great chef, and makes great looking food on his show, Boy Meets Grill. If he just stuck with that show he could be as smug and officious as he wants without our blinking an eye. But his overexposure (especially on Throwdown) can’t be overlooked. Bobby is right in our face, and we here at EP have had enough. Guess what Bobby, you are officially more annoying than Guy Fieri. I’ll bet that grates the hell out of you.

BEST FEMALE PERSONALITY: Aida Molenkamp, Gina Neely, Robin Miller

Easily the most difficult category to come up with nominees, let alone a winner. Over the strong objection of a vocal minority, we are giving Gina Neely our Best Female award. Aida is pleasant enough, and probably has a great TV personality, but her show is a misuse of her talent (not the first time Food Network has done that) and the annoying e-mail guy is not funny and a waste of time. I appreciate Robin Miller, she doesn’t say yumm-O, or have cutesy abbreviations. She doesn’t talk about window treatments or have any fabulously hip friends come visit at the end of the show. But for many of us at EP, none can compare to the goddess that is Gina Neely. From making delicious BBQ, to her mouthwatering desserts, Gina knows the way to a man’s heart. Call me sentimental, but the play back and forth between Gina and Pat is a joy to watch. Here is a snippet of an evening with Gina and Pat:

Pat: I’m going to slice the turnip now.

Gina: Mmmmmm, hmmmmmmm, and I’m going to turnip the heat in the bedroom tonight, baby.

WORST FEMALE PERSONALTY: Alex Guarnaschelli, Giada De Laurentiis, Rachael Ray

While no argument will be heard from us on the level of annoyance of Alex (check out my review of Chopped for my thoughts on her) and calling Rachael Ray annoying is a venture into the realm of the obvious, for us here at EP, Giada is insufferable. From her pretentious pronunciations to her annoying overabundance of cleavage (every episode Giada? Can’t you tone it down just once?) to the simple fact that the dishes she makes just don’t look that good, Giada needs to go back to Italy on the first available flight. Oh I could go on, to her appletini fests with the girls at the end some shows, her “game food” episode (what game Giada, MLS?) which featured a pasta dish with REE-COAT-A and peas (peas?) for the guys watching the game. Normally it would be off limits and in bad taste to comment on the attractiveness of a host, but since Giada insists on treating each episode like a Maxim photo shoot, I would like to state this with clarity (and I’m aware that this is my own personal opinion): Giada is not cute. Maybe after five Peroni’s and three shots of Limoncello, but for this writer, there is nothing about Giada that doesn’t annoy me. Go find work as an additional character on Sex and the City, you’d fit right in. Oh yeah, and your Grandfather’s version of King Kong was terrible.

BEST TRAVEL SHOW: Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Man vs. Food, Three Sheets

No Reservations functions as a travel show as well as, if not better than it does as a food show. While we love Man vs. Food, the travel aspect is overshadowed by Adam Richman’s hilarity and his awesome feats in eating at the end of the show. Three Sheets is great fun and works well as a travel show (what better way to get to the heart of a place than getting drunk with the locals), but will never win an EPIE as long as it uses the idiotic “glug-glug” sound effect every time someone takes a drink. No Reservations has the ability to get to the raw essence of the locale. From a trip through a steamy tropical jungle to the visits to food markets and bazaars, by the end of the show you felt like you have been there.

BEST COMPETITION SHOW: Iron Chef America, Man vs. Food, Top Chef

Perhaps it is unconventional as a competition show, but no one food oriented television program captures the spirit of Epic Portions better than Man vs. Food and its host, Adam Richman. Unafraid of even the most terrifying food challenges, Adam tackles them with gusto. Personally, I’d love to see him take on Cool Hand Luke’s 50 hard boiled eggs in an hour. As for the other nominees, until Iron Chef lives up to the level of its Japanese predecessor, it will have to be happy with nominations. And while a first class competition, Top Chef is turning itself into Law & Order with all the stupid spinoffs. Nope, keep your traditional competition shows, we’ll take the humor and histrionics of Man vs, Food.

Best Instructional Show: Good Eats, Quick Fix Meals, Tyler’s Ultimate

Robin Miller can show you how to turn a salmon fillet into three nights worth of meals in a user friendly format. And I personally love Tyler’s Ultimate. Tyler Florence will make a coherent meal, usually delicious (especially his fried chicken), in a friendly effective manner. On a network with Bobby Flay, Guy Fieri and all the other overhyped celebrities, Tyler comes across as down to earth and as a decent guy. But none can compare, and all must bow down before the awesomeness that is Good Eats. Unmatched as an instructional show, the watching of Good Eats should qualify as college credit. Campy skits and characters, along with hilarious props are only one part of Alton’s teaching method. It is to his credit that he can hold you fascinated while making something you have no intention of ever making (soufflé, anyone?). From the Deep Fried Turkey to the Man Food episode, Alton never fails to educate or entertain.

There they are, the first in what will surely become a yearly event here at EP. Many thanks to all at the home office (and abroad) who helped with this; surely the debates will continue throughout the year. And keep checking in here at Epic Portions for continued food programming commentary.