Immigration: A Food Lover's Perspective

Bring me your naan, your guacamole, your kebobs yearning to be eaten

There will always be political issues and debates that divide Americans.  Rarely is there a subject that the food lovers among us can weigh in with a credible and unique argument.  Food has no direct relationship with tax rates or defense spending.  But there is one hot-button political issue that should be near and dear to the hearts of all Americans who love good food.  Immigration.

There can be no debate as to whether an open immigration policy has been beneficial to the American culinary landscape.  If I have my way, we will change the first part of the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to read:

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free and share the cuisine of their native country”

Many immigrants come to the United States to engage in the noble entrepreneurial exercise of opening a restaurant.  And we as a nation are better for it.  Within a 15 minute drive from my house, I can enjoy authentic Indian, Thai, Chinese (which includes many delicious subgroups like Cantonese or Szechwan), Ethiopian, Greek, Japanese, Jamaican, Vietnamese, Middle East (too many and too various in this area to break down by nation of origin), or Korean cuisine.  Some parts of the country can boast more, some have less, but odds are if you live near a decent sized metropolis or college town you have similar choices as well.  Quite often these places are a “hole in the wall,” but they serve succulent, freshly prepared meals that enrich our gastronomic existence.

Still not convinced?  That’s ok because there is another side of this coin.  Many fine dining establishments are not owned by immigrants, but their presence is essential to the successful and high quality operation that exists within their kitchens.

Many years ago, I worked at one such establishment as a bartender.  I won’t mention it by name, but it is a well regarded Italian restaurant on Main Street in downtown Ann Arbor.  One of my first shifts, I was working on a Friday morning and a member of the kitchen staff came to the bar to ask me to make the espresso/kahlua mix needed for tiramisu.  I was somewhat taken aback when I realized the person barely spoke any English.  Not a problem, we figured it out and soon I was getting to know the kitchen staff, the majority of whom were from Mexico or Latin American points nearby.  The chef spoke fluent Spanish and the kitchen ran like clockwork.

If you think that is unique, you are wrong.  Bartenders and wait staff like to drink together after work, and it took minimal inquiry on my part to learn that the presence of immigrants working in the kitchen was the norm for most restaurants.

Did we speculate as to their legality or status?  Hell no, we didn’t give a damn.  They worked hard, were professional and got the food up for service to the ravenous public in a timely manner.  It was a fun environment, I spoke next to no Spanish but could still understand when being hazed or ribbed by the kitchen staff.  For obvious reasons bartenders and cooks have a natural symbiotic relationship, and as a bartender I had some liberty when giving it back.

To some, the arguments I have presented will not be appreciated.  If they would rather eat at the slice of Americana known as Applebee’s than they can go right ahead.  For me, and I submit for most food lovers real Americana is at the table of a local dive, run by someone who speaks broken English, works 12 hours a day six or seven days a week, and makes a mean tamale or authentic shawarma.

Throughout history, the sharing of a meal has been a way of bridging the gap between cultures.  I for one consider myself fortunate to live in a country that has (for the most part) encouraged people from all over the world to come to the United States and try to create a better life for themselves.  All it takes is an open mind and an empty stomach to realize that having a minor language gap is a small price to pay for a great meal made with earnest pride.  I will leave the demagoguery of this issue to the usual suspects.  If you want to get worked up about immigration, it is your right, but I won’t join you.  I’ll probably be picking up Indian takeout.

Turducken. With White Castle Stuffing

One of my favorite food blogs is Grocery Eats, which isn’t updated all that often, but when it is it’s usually gold.  I’ve been on a White Castle kick the last few days, and was pumped to see that  MF Grocery’s most recent update was a Turducken with White Castle stuffing.  They’ve got the process documented and it’s looking ridiculous.  I demand you visit right away.

10 Most Dangerous Foods

Now that H1:N1 has lost its mojo, many members of the media have set their formidable journalistic talents on finding the next great scare. What will it be? A new disease? Octogenarians driving out of control Toyotas? Sadly, it is something that hits close to home…food. The formerly respectable folks over at Time Magazine have released the 10 MOST DANGEROUS FOODS list. At any moment these edible assassins could sneak into your home, kick your dog and KILL YOU!!!!! Fortunately Epic Portions is here to defend food, even the horrific habitants of Time’s list, many of which are delicious. Here is what Time claims will kill you, along with the uniquely insightful observations that only EP can provide.

10. Mushrooms

Thanks, Captain Obvious. Could you be a little more vague please, Time Magazine? Your journalism profs are rolling over in their graves. It’s not like the average person is picking the mushrooms in their backyard and scarfing them down while hoping for the best. If you don’t know that eating wild mushrooms is potentially hazardous than your presence in the human gene pool is no longer required. In the mean time, your friendly neighborhood grocer has a full supply of perfectly safe fungal goodness ready for addition to omelets or pizzas.

9. Coffee

Really, Time? Are you this desperate for dangerous food? Not to reveal the rest of the list too early, but since Chicken McNuggets is not on the list, ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY COFFEE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS YOU FUCKING MORONS?!?!?!?!? If you read Time’s article, the rationale they give is the incident where the 79 year old woman failed to realize she had a cup holder, put her McCoffee in her lap and promptly burned the shit out of herself, then sued McDonalds for serving hot coffee. Time serves up a Venti sized pile of nonsense with this addition.

8. Cassava

Raw cassava looks delicious!

Watch out world, better empty your pantry of cassava. Oh right, most of you probably have no idea what cassava is. Not trusting Time, I checked Wikipedia on this one. Apparently Cassava is an edible starchy tuberous root (sounds delicious!). The flour from the roots is used to make tapioca, something we’ve all heard of and don’t care about. Cassava is only dangerous when consumed raw. So, if you were considering heading out to the wild, pulling a starchy tuberous root out of the ground and consuming it raw, please send Time a note of thanks for saving your life.

7. Tuna

Hmmmm….Time tells me Tuna can kill me and Alton Brown says it is good for my health. Any guess at who I’m going to believe? We all know Tuna can contain mercury, but the Japanese eat a shitload of this fish and they are known for having a healthy diet. Tuna has the distinction of being able to be eaten raw with little potential health consequence, and the overwhelming potential of being delicious.

6. Rhubarb

We all knew Garrison Keillor was trying to kill us

Considering gnawing on raw rhubarb leaves? Of course you weren’t. No, you really weren’t considering rhubarb at all, unless coupled with strawberry and served in a pie. Delicious. So, much like cassava, if you take one thing away from this, do not venture into the wilderness and eat raw rhubarb leaves.

5. Leafy Greens

Way to be vague again, Time. After years of being told by our parents that we need to eat spinach, Time has come to rescue us. I would like to point out, again, that according to Time eating leafy greens is more dangerous than eating Chicken McNuggets. Time is referring to the outbreak a few years back, when some brilliant farmer decided it was a good idea to let his cows take a shit upstream from where they grew their spinach. Time also points out that the majority of illness from eating leafy greens comes from food handlers not practicing proper hygiene. No shit, that would pretty much apply to any food, wouldn’t it? In the mean time, order me up a ceasar salad, extra romaine please.

4. Peanuts

Jack booted peanut Nazi's are after YOU!

We all knew this was coming. Save us all from the peanut police. Before I get too nasty with peanut allergies, let me say I have true compassion for those allergic to peanuts. The inability to eat peanut butter is a gruesome curse to say the least. According to respected source Time magazine, 1% of the U.S. population suffers from peanut allergies. And most of them were in my son’s pre-school. A well known local movie theater chain had to stop popping popcorn in peanut oil due to mass peanut hysteria. The result, a significantly less delicious popcorn. For 1% of the population. Come get me peanut gestapo, I won’t allow you to ban peanuts from all public places. Meanwhile, for 99% of the U.S. population, PEANUTS ARE NOT MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!!!

3. Ackee

Watch out for the wacky ackee in Jamaica!

Apparently ackee is the national fruit of Jamaica. This truly is dangerous, as I had several friends who went to Jamaica during college to partake in a national Jamaican delight. For those who are traveling to Jamaica to mellow out on any Jamaican specialties, let Epic Portions tell you that ackee contains black seeds that are dangerous to consume. Come to think of it, my friends kept saying they had to remove the seeds before partaking in their Jamaican delicacy of choice, maybe they knew about this in advance.

2. Fugu

Mmmmm...fan-fugu-tastic!

Thanks to the wacky adventures of Homer Simpson, I was well aware of the danger of Fugu, especially if the only chef qualified to prepare it is engaged in coital delights with Mrs. Krabappel in the backseat of a car (talk about dangerous activities!). If improperly prepared, fugu can be deadly, so it is fortunate that to legally prepare fugu (a Japanese delicacy) one must have two to three years of training. The Japanese consume 10,000 tons of fugu every year, with minimal incident. Sounds real deadly, huh?

1. Hot Dogs

No argument from me that a lot of hot dogs contain mystery parts and are not fit to be consumed by man or beast. But that is not why Time is saying they are deadly (if that were the case than they would HAVE to include Chicken McNuggets). No, Time tells us of the awesome choking power of the hot dog, especially to children. If you have kids and don’t know better than to cut the hot dog into bite size pieces before serving it to them, than I leave you with the wisdom of George Carlin. The late, great comic said: “Whatever happened to Darwin, survival of the fittest. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own.” Or in this case, the parent who doesn’t cut up his kid’s hot dog properly regains their eligibility for a Darwin Award.

Whew, that was tiring and has left me famished. I think I’ll have a Tuna Dog with a spinach salad with wild mushrooms and cassava, with a peanut-rhubarb buckle for dessert. And yes please on the after dinner coffee.

A Pig Died for This?

As a carnivore, I have much appreciation for the animals I eat and their overwhelming deliciousness. That is why an experience such as I had this evening pains me so. I went to dinner to celebrate a birthday for a family member at a restaurant in swanky downtown Plymouth, MI called Tavern 1999. I purposely left my camera at home so I could enjoy a meal without having to review or write about the food. I just wanted to enjoy myself and see my nephew and the rest of my family in a non-working capacity. And I would have been able to do that if Tavern 1999 didn’t destroy my pork chops.

I loooooove pork chops. When I make them at home I use Jamaican Jerk seasoning and they are mine and my son’s favorite. The pork chop is a forgiving cut of meat, season it well, and DON’T OVERCOOK THE MEAT OR IT WILL BE TOO DRY!!! Well guess what the barbarians at Tavern 1999 did? They overcooked my damn pork chop. Not just by a little, they sucked all the delicious pork juice out in a food faux pas most foul. I almost cried, not for me, but for the poor pig. This was a culinary crime, a pig died to be turned into a dry, overcooked piece of shoe leather. That ain’t right.

Doubly infuriating was that along with my pork chop flambe, Tavern 1999 served the most delicious cole slaw I’ve had in a long time. How do you fuck up a pork chop that bad but put so much attention into cole slaw? They used some kind of seedy stone ground mustard in the slaw dressing and it was outstanding. And in the interest of fairness I had a bite of the “St. Louis Style” Ribs and they were very good. As I am originally from the S-T-L, I felt they did justice to the ribs. My man Nelly would be proud.

In short, Tavern 1999 may be a decent restaurant, but my displeasure with them runs deep. Don’t overcook my pork chop, you amateurs. They need to apologize to all of pigdom for the way they treated the poor beast that ended up on my plate.

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