I had to go to the mall, a place I try to avoid at all costs, the other day to have my iPod looked out by the too cool tech-geeks at the Apple Store, when I saw something that made me cringe in what was almost actual, physical pain.  No, it wasn’t unfettered consumerism at its overpriced worst.  It wasn’t bad mall food, as our local mall here in Ann Arbor actually boasts a couple of decent eateries:  Sushi Café (yes, sushi at the mall and it is delicious) and Chipotle.  It was a cupcake kiosk.

When did the cupcakes invade and why have we let them take over?  A kiosk at the mall, a store devoted entirely to cupcakes just off Main Street in Ann Arbor, and my DirecTV has 250 channels, 90% of which are devoted to cupcakes all of the sudden.  It seems I can’t go to a party or function without some too cute dessert with pink frosting staring at me.

This is what we are up against, my friends. Let's kill it before it has a chance to breed.

I don’t have anything against dessert, but I am more of a main course kind of person.  The cookie will always hold a special place in my heart, but I’d take fried chicken or cheesy potatoes over dessert any day.  So I ask again, what is the deal with cupcakes?  They can certainly be delicious, but so are bacon smores and I don’t see kiosks at the mall for them.  Besides, cupcakes suffer from many of the same issues as muffins do.  The top is inevitably more delicious, but enveloping a full cupcake bite leads to frosting on the nose.  Not a good look for a man.  The solution is to lop the top off.  I just don’t trust a dessert that needs to be mutilated to achieve full deliciousness.

The working theory I have about their popularity is that they are portable cakes, and if there is one thing we Americans love, it is portable, fattening, sugar-laden food.  But they are also cute, which annoys the hell out of me.  At my son’s school, every Mom had to be Sandra Lee and make some pink princess designed cupcake or Spiderman themed cupcake for their little snowflake’s birthday.  (If they have to be Sandra Lee the least they could have done was bring cocktails for the adults, but I digress.)  Call me a rebel, but I made chocolate chip cookies for my son’s kindergarten class on his birthday.  And yes, I do bake when I have to, if I have to be a stay-at-home Dad you can damn well be sure I’m going to make some cookies.  Delicious ones, too.  Might as well fully embrace where life has taken me…

I was going to include a review of Cupcake Wars, but our friends at Would I Buy It Again did a solid, in depth review and I would rather direct you to their page than force myself to watch it.  Besides, it surely would have been a hateful rant and I like to limit those, otherwise you will be desensitized to them.  Can’t have that happen.  As for cupcake shows, no thank you.  I can’t stand Ace of Cakes either; Duff is actually pretty cool but baking shows in general are not on my list of things to watch.  Ever.  I even turn Alton Brown off when he is baking.

Just like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, let me warn all of the impeding invasion of the cupcakes.  Maybe it is too late.  Their saturation is close to critical mass.  In the mean time, I’ll be in the corner with a bucket of fried chicken.

No one would call any part of the U.K. a haven for great food, but this is sad. 

Something fraudulently called the lasagna sandwich sold in the U.K.

If you are going to make a lasagna sandwich, bring it strong or don’t bring it at all.  I like how this article claims it “rivals even the most fattening American treats.”  This particular lasagna sandwich has 565 calories and 27g of fat.  Seriously?  That’s a light snack.  Check out the JJ Gargantuan.  I love our cousins from across the pond but stick to beer, or at least fish and chips.  Leave the gluttony to the experts.  In the meantime…

Jeremy’s Grossly Simplified Recipe for a Lasagna Sandwich

Step 1:  Make lasagna

Step 2:  Make two slices of garlic bread (use Italian bread)

Step 3:  Cut a slice of lasagna a little larger than the slices of bread.

Step 4:  Assemble sandwich

Step 5:  Consume

That could be really delicious…note to self:  Make lasagna sandwich sometime very soon.

I know that KFC got a lot of publicity for the Double Down — not the least of which was from EP — but it seems like there is a subtle, unspoken race to outdo the Colonel.  The Orange County Register, which I read religiously, has clued us in on a new contender.   Welcome the addition from Carl’s Jr.:  The Footlong Cheeseburger.

Carl's Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger

Where's the beef?

Call me crazy, but it sure just appears to be three patties (above picture is half of the footlong) poorly arranged on a sub bun.  Subway would catch hell for this lack of tessellation.  I’m sure Carl’s Sr. is rolling over in his grave, I mean it’s pretty much just an elongated triple cheeseburger.  I’m not impressed.

By the way, I’m still waiting for my lifetime supply of free Frosty’s, Wendy’s.  It’s an extremely generous offer to save your moribund eatery.  And it won’t last forever.

Is there anything worse than spam?  Be it the culinary version, or the kind that has been assaulting EP, few things are more loathsome than spam.  On that note, our comment feature has been modified for the time being.  It seems our spam filter is having problems because insurance, cialis, and whatever other crap the moronic spammers are into these days have been getting through.  Until we get this figured out, all comments go to us for approval.  I want to reiterate to all EP readers, we do not believe in censorship.  We will approve every legitimate comment that goes through.  If you doubt this, check out comments on our posts.  We have been verbally assaulted on more occasions than I can remember.  And not just from the Guy Fieri mafia.  Hopefully this minor inconvenience will be rectified soon.  If I felt eating Spam and eggs would help, I would do it.  On that note, is there a reader out there that actually likes Spam?  If you do, please share.  If something seems appetizing I’ll give it a shot…now to the random musings.

I can’t think of a better culinary topic on the Fourth of July than corn on the cob.  On the grill or in the oven (I refuse to boil corn on the cob) has to be the way to go.  Not too long ago, I started cooking or grilling it while still in the husk.  For me, there is no other way.  The husk keeps the moisture in and steams the corn.  It is perfect every time.  30 minutes in a 375° oven, give it a few minutes to cool and dig in.

When did putting grapes in chicken salad become commonplace and why is this still tolerated?

Chicken salad with grapes, served in a glass on a bed of lettuce. Wrong on so many levels.

Speaking of salad, potato salad can really surprise you sometimes.  I was at a BBQ last weekend and the host, who used to cook at the now defunct Cottage Inn Café on Washtenaw Avenue (moment of silence, please) made a potato salad that had capers in it, and it was quite good.  Normally I have no use for capers.  I’ve got to get his recipe; beyond chicken piccata I had no idea capers could be delicious.

I broke down and bought a gas grill last year.  I know, grilling enthusiasts, charcoal is the way to go, but the simplicity of gas has proven valuable.  I grill far more often with the gas grill than I did on my Weber.  But today I ran out of propane before my burgers were finished.  I cried out “NOOOOOOOOOO” to the heavens.  Score another point for charcoal.

Fourth of July food discussion can’t be complete without mentioning beer.  I tried Michelob’s Hop Hound at a party this weekend, as it was either that or Bud Light.  Review to come sometime later this week…

Why is Poochie the rockin' dog on this beer bottle? Tune in later this week to find out!

As long as we are talking about beer, I love a good Hefeweizen but if I can taste banana in my beer I am going to switch to something else.  Unless it is Bud Light Golden Wheat.

Did anyone else see this picture of Cookie Monster with the hot Russian spy chick? 

Cookie Monster with hot redhead Russian spy. Seems like our old friend is doing pretty well for himself since retiring.

Looks like CM has been living an interesting life since he retired.  Perhaps he’ll send us another letter someday…

And even though John hates soccer, one World Cup comment.  If Netherlands wins the World Cup, the greatest party in history will be in Amsterdam.  I would do unspeakable things to be there on that night.

Dutch soccer fans. Makin' orange look gooooood.

After the longest hiatus I have taken since starting Epic Portions, I am back with a new fast food report.

Apparently it wasn’t enough that Burger King was destroying ribs.  They couldn’t be the ones doing it. Now McDonalds is joining the war against one of my favorite foods in the world and is almost ready to roll out McRiblets.  I have never seen an oven, grill or anything of that manner in a McDonalds “kitchen”, so I can’t say I’m very optimistic.  Then again, even if McDonalds had smokers installed at all of their locations I still wouldn’t eat their ribs.

Before I begin my review of Multigrain Pringles, I would like to acknowledge that we have spoken about Pringles quite often here at EP.  There is precedent for this; for example, Ernest Hemmingway once wrote a little known novel called A Farewell to Pringles.  And did you know that the original title of Tolstoy’s War and Peace was War, Peace, and Pringles?  So now that you are up to date on the noble literary tradition of writing about Pringles, let us explore the new Multigrain version of this mouthwatering muse.

Multigrain Pringles...you are better off puting tennis balls in the can and sharing with your Golden Retriever.

Alliteration aside, I feel I need to begin my review by saying that Multigrain Pringles ARE NOT mouthwatering.  Once every couple months I get a Pringles craving.  When I buy a can, it is usually gone within two days after my wife and son discover it.  So while shopping at Kroger last week, I noticed the addition of Multigrain Pringles to the lineup, and since they were on sale for quite a bargain price I took a chance.  Did I expect them to achieve the deliciousity of Original Pringles, or my favorite, Cheesy Pringles?  No, but I honestly did expect them to be pretty good.  They fell short of even that low expectation.

Maybe it is the fact that they taste so unlike what I expect in a Pringle.  Maybe it is the fact that they are so dramatically inferior to the world’s number one multigrain chip, Sunchips.  But the greatest evidence of their poor taste is the fact that half the can is still in my cupboard after one week.   They aren’t awful, but the only thing I could say after eating one was…why?  What is the point?  Does anyone seek out Pringles when hoping looking for a healthy snack?

You call them, MISTER Sunchips!

I know why Pringles unleashed this culinary disgrace on the market.  Everything is going Multigrain.  Multigrain is the new fat free.  So, we as consumers now have to wade through a new layer of crap when shopping.  Here is a tip:  If a product you know and love is advertising themselves as Multigrain after having a perfectly acceptable product for many years, it is a marketing scam.  Why not try to wring a few extra bucks out of obese America.  We’re all so worried about our weight that we are desperate for anything, even Multigrain Pringles.

I still don’t know why Pringles felt the need to do this.  Yes, yes, I understand marketing and grabbing a slice of the latest fad.  But Pringles already makes fat free diarrhea chips with Olestra.  Notice how they latched on to that fad as well.  Does Frito-Lay even make their disgusting WOW brand chips anymore?

Wow! Now with 33% more abdominal cramping!

So what can I say…avoid Multigrain Pringles.  I did try Original and not the cheesy flavor but I can’t possibly see how fake cheese powder can dramatically improve this product.  Spend an extra buck or two and buy Cheddar Sunchips.  Now if you will excuse me, I am going to return to the latest tome I am reading:  John Steinbeck’s classic, The Pringles of Wrath.

Too often in this world we don’t get a chance to tell those we care about how we feel until it is too late.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen to me!  Trader Joe’s, you are awesome and I love you.  From your delicious trail mixes, specialty beer, three buck Chuck, pre-cooked chicken sausage (amazing), sauces and desserts, to the way you rip off my iPod every time I shop there. The last two times I went there TJ’s was piping in Radiohead and Bob Marley.  When was the last time you heard Radiohead at a grocery store?

TJ's never leaves me High and Dry.

As for delicious food, I would specifically like to speak about several different TJ’s specialties that have won my heart.  For an appetizer, start with Trader Joe’s Horseradish Hummus and Trader Joe’s Pita Chips.  Combine these two and life is grand.  I had never found a horseradish hummus before I first spotted it at TJ’s and have seen it nowhere else since.  Too bad?  Not really, because no one could do it as well as TJ anyway.

Trader Joe's Horseradish Hummus

What better way to wash down horseradish hummus than beer?  TJ’s has a wonderful beer selection, but I usually get Trader Joe’s Bavarian Hefeweizen. 

TJ's Hefeweizen

Delicious and refreshing, I have yet to wear this out and move on to another of TJ’s beer offerings, but no doubt I eventually will.  And that one will be great as well. 

Finally, I have to say a word about the greatest sandwich cookie known to man or beast.  The Joe-Joe.  Joe-Joe’s would be best described as similar to an Oreo, but some of the greatest minds in cookie engineering have made a better cookie. 

Joe-Joe's. Eat and squawk loudly.

The tops of the cookies easily peel away if, like my son, you enjoy removing the top of the cookie and eating the crème filling.  Oreo has not mastered this trick and it is still possible to break your Oreo (especially if you are six) when you try to unscrew the lid.  Unforgivable.  Joe-Joe’s also have about as much crème as a Double Stuff Oreo, so they are more robust on top of their superior engineering.  TJ’s offers them in three flavors:  vanilla cookie with vanilla crème filling, chocolate cookie with vanilla crème filling, and my favorite, chocolate cookie with chocolate crème filling.  They used to offer a chocolate cookie with a peanut butter filling that was incredible but it has been discontinued.  I never received a satisfactory answer as to why they did this, but years ago I sent a dead fish wrapped in newspaper to TJ’s Corporate HQ and feel better about the whole thing now.  Ain’t no time to hate.  Amazing how the sending of a dead fish washes away the anger…

I plan to have a segment in the future called “Jeremy and Trader Joe’s Semi-Homemade is better than Sandra Lee’s.”  In that feature I will show how you can make a healthy and delicious dinner for a family in 20 minutes (suck on it Rachael Ray) using products purchased at TJ’s (except for shallots, which I use a lot and TJ’s does not carry.)  I often say that we here at Epic Portions have the most intelligent readership on the web, and most of you have brains and know how to combine pre-made ingredients.  I don’t think I’m some kind of genius, but since cooking duties are mine every night I appreciate a simple, healthy meal that tastes good, the kids like, and saves me a little time and effort.  Contrary to popular belief, making dinner every night with a six year old and a one year old roaming loose in the house is not the easiest thing in the world.  If my time savers can help anyone with similar duties and keep them from watching Sandra Lee than I have done something positive.  And I promise, no tablescape bullshit.

So there it is, TJ’s.  It doesn’t matter if you feel the same about me, or that your cashier made my daughter cry, I still love you.  Maybe next time I’m there you can dim the lights and play some Barry White.  I can’t get enough of your horseradish hummus, babe.