It is to the credit of our readership, which I have long trumpeted as the most intelligent on the internet, that so many of you did not and do not closely follow the LeBron James saga. Why follow the egomaniacal exploits of a man whose job it is to throw a ball through a hoop? I imagine that the lives of those who choose not to immerse themselves in the minutiae of sport are quite often richer than those who get caught up in details of free agency.
I write this because a few of you have wondered to me via e-mail or other media if I really was planning on leaving EP. That is not the case, but rest assured I really appreciate the concern. I feigned free agency as a nod to our Cleveland readers, a vocal and devoted group. I’m sure the spoof was not lost on the vast majority of you.
On a side note, Cleveland is an amazing food town. Seriously. Michael Symon has a fantastic restaurant there. Cleveland boasts an all-grilled cheese cornucopia called Melt. And Cleveland is also the home of Great Lakes Brewery, something any city would be proud of. So stay strong Cleveland, even though many of you are Ohio State fans, a little Great Lakes love from Ann Arbor to you.
As penance for this ridiculous ruse, I offer the following: Six posts in seven nights (can’t do seven, my son has soccer camp and yes, I’m well aware of how that is a cliché but I still have to go and be a good father. Besides, it’s my fault for immersing him in the World Cup.) I will begin tomorrow evening with the long awaited Hop Hound review.
There was one obvious clue that I was never going to leave. In my original post, I stated that I was intrigued by the idea of “writing with other all-stars.” I already write with an all-star (John) on EP.
As you may or may not know, depending on whether you keep up with the inside dealings of elite food-related websites, my contract with Epic Portions expires at the end of the month. I will officially be a free agent in a couple of weeks.
I love EP, I grew up as a food writer here. This is where my posse lives. All my local charities are funneled through EP. To leave my “hometown” web site would be a very difficult thing.
But having said that, I still feel as if I need to explore all options. Who is to say that my chances of winning a food writing championship won’t be enhanced by taking my talents elsewhere? I appreciate being flown to several different cities and shown around their respective offices. Promises of a new Mac, a corner office, greater artistic freedom, or the chance to write with other all-stars can be intriguing to say the least. If I were to leave, I would hope that we could work out a “sign and trade” deal that would bring a couple of prospects to EP to help with the rebuilding process.
Fortunately, I’m done with all the wining and dining, and am ready to make my decision. And to the California website who took me to Guy Fieri’s restaurant, what the hell were you thinking? Have you even read my stuff? Sadly, talks fell through for a prime time special on Travel Channel, and I refuse to slum it on Food Network. So, I’ll make my announcement right here on EP. Tune in Wednesday night at ten to see if I’ll be staying or plying my wares at another locale.
Cookie Monster in happier days
This is not a letter Cookie Monster was looking forward to write. Me apologize in advance if me gets emotional at times. It is with greater regret than missing out on the first batch of holiday cookies that Cookie Monster must announce retirement from public arena. Me find current working conditions unacceptable and me not want to be neutered and watered down like bland shortbread cookie.
A couple years ago, corporate masters tried to adjust Cookie Monster’s diet. Try to make Cookie Monster be Fruit and Veggie Monster. As if so many obese children was Cookie Monster’s fault. Not Cookie Monster’s fault if parents allow children to eat bag of Oreo’s to make up for fact that they fail to spend time with little ones. Not Cookie Monster’s fault that many parents think fast food good meal for dinner. Cookie Monster not Soda Pop Monster! At least cookies so devastatingly delicious that no one will say cookie not worth the calories. Cookie always worth calories. Hmm…thinking about cookies. One moment please. Ahhhhhh num num num, oh yeah, oh yeah, num num num (crumbs flying everywhere). Sorry, Cookie Monster sometimes not able to exhibit proper self-restraint.
To get back to point, things change for Cookie Monster over last year. Moved to second class status while annoying anorexic Elmo continues to be front line character. Even bad things happen to Cookie Monster off camera. Me always have jar of Nutter Butters at desk for when Cookie Monster need quick cookie fix but not want to break creative flow. Several months ago me find Nutter Butters replaced with celery stalks. Me not want to be Veggie Monster on screen, me certainly not want to snack on flavorless vegetable! Me wouldn’t have been so mad if cookies replaced by pretzels or even apples. But celery! Final insult for Cookie Monster.
Not as good as Nutter Butter
Cookie Monster tired of getting accusatory looks from co-workers. Cookie Monster tired of being forced to peddle kale. Cookie Monster tired of accounts payable staff always leaving breakroom fridge open making Cookie Monster’s milk go bad. Cookie Monster tired of being in skits where Grover lectures Cookie Monster on moderation. Grover not interested in moderation when on PR trip to Vegas, as Cookie Monster can attest. You hear that Grover, me have video taken from iPhone!
So, goodbye to all from Cookie Monster. This old monster will fade away. Me not care about publicity anymore. Me not care that Cookie Monster lose health insurance and matching 401(k). Me not care about educating children while counting cookies. Cupcakes trendy now, modern society have no place for cookie anymore. Do not worry about Cookie Monster, me make enough in royalties to retire with comfort. And me will be at Laugh Shack in Madison, WI on March 8th! So, I Cookie Monster, bid the public adieu. Enjoy not being entertained by Cookie Monster’s exuberant overeating of cookies. Last piece of advice, please enjoy holiday season and eat many cookies in Epic Portions.
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