The Hamburglar.  Part corporate invention, part hard core thief, this Prometheus of the picnic has been an enigma since he first burst onto the scene with McDonald’s.  His hamburger thievery is the stuff of legends, something we will not see the likes of again.  He brazenly stole a hamburger from the Yakuza.  He pilfered a patty from the Pope.  He even stole a burger from a kid in Reno, “just to watch him cry.”  The self-proclaimed “Bad Boy of Beef” was at the top of the food chain, as it were, in the 80s, and his cocaine-fueled binges of burglary have come to symbolize Reagan-era material excess.  After his break from McDonald’s, Hamburglar sadly went afoul of the law once too often, and was sentenced to seven years in San Quentin for stealing a hamburger out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Humvee.  He granted EP a rare interview request, and I caught up with him last month.

Hamburglar love from the fans

EP:  How did you get started in the business of stealing hamburgers?

Hamburglar:  I wish I had some great reason why, but it just kind of happened.  I was 13 years old, pretending to be Zorro and was wearing this mask.  Well, I forgot to take it off when I went to McDonald’s for lunch and the lady at the counter thought I was robbing her.  She just gave me five Quarter Pounder’s.  After that I was hooked. 

EP:  Didn’t you ever get caught?

Hamburglar:  Yeah, but mostly people thought it was funny and ‘cause I was a kid they let me off easy. 

EP:  When did you begin your formal association with McDonald’s?

Hamburglar:  I was 16 years old and snuck into a local McD’s and swiped two Big Macs.  I got violently ill and had to go to the hospital, presumably from food poisoning.  Some lawyer from McDonald’s told me if I didn’t sue they would sign me to a contract and employ me with some other characters.  And so, it began.  Joke was on them;  I later realized I got sick from huffing rubber cement, but was so f’d up I didn’t remember. 

EP:  What was it like working with the other characters?

Hamburglar:  At first we were tight.  Grimace was hilarious, after a day of shooting commercials and we would head straight to the nearest nightclub.  He’d order Hennessey and yell “Big Poppa is in the house!!!!!” whenever we arrived.  After a couple years of doing this, Notorious B.I.G. came out with the song, “Big Poppa.”  Grimace loved it.  Said he got laid more after that song came out than all the years before combined.  He made McDonald’s give Biggie free Big Macs whenever he wanted.  They were even working on a project together before Biggie’s tragic death.  Ronald McDonald was another story.  We all hated him and called him Ronald McDouchebag.  Also, the mother fucker was a vegetarian, which is one of McDonald’s great secrets.  We’d all be eating Quarter-Pounders and fries and there he would be, sitting in a corner eating tofu wrapped in lettuce.  Also, between takes he’d sit around smoking weed and saying shit like, “I wonder if the girl from Wendy’s is real.  I dig redheads.”  We once saw him staring into a mirror for 30 minutes, he kept saying, “Dude, I look like a clown.”

EP:  How rampant was the drug use?

Hamburglar:  It was wild, man.  We never let it affect our work, though.  When the cameras were on, we were all business.

EP:  When did you break from McDonalds?

Hamburglar:  It was about 10 years ago.  Turns out some corporate jackass decided it was a bad idea to encourage hamburger thievery.  So they came up with this brilliant idea to make me a vegetarian and use that to market their new McVegetarian Crap Burger.   I told them to fuck themselves and left.  I do miss having their lawyers cover for me. (laughs)

EP:  And after you left McDonald’s you kept on stealing.

Hamburglar:  Of course.  By then it was in my blood.  My new goal was to steal a burger from every decent burger joint in these here United States.  I did pretty well with it, even went into action in Japan when I stole a Kobe beef burger in Kyoto.  Turns out it was from a big time Yakuza boss.  I was lucky as hell to get out of Japan alive.

EP:  Tell me about your biggest hamburger heist.

Hamburglar:  That has to be the 2003 raid of the In and Out Burger in LA near Magic Mountain.  It all started when George Clooney, Bernie Mac, Matt Damon and I were jonesin’ for In and Out Burger at 3 AM.  Of course they were closed, but we drew up this crazy-ass plan to disable the alarm system and break in.  It was easy, man, we cooked up and chowed down 20 burgers between the four of us.  We barely got out in time, and the best part of the story is that the whole thing got pinned on Mel Gibson.

EP:  Didn’t you steal a burger from Bobby Flay once?

Hamburglar:  (Laughs) Hell yes I did!  Ivanka Trump and I were eating at this pretentious $14 burger joint with cloth napkins in New York, when I hear this obnoxious jackass (Flay) preening about how the chipotle mayo they used on his burger sucked and that his was soooooo much better.  Well, I thought to myself, if you don’t like the burger then I’m going to steal it from you, dickwad.  So I ditched Ivanka, who hates me now, snuck over to his table, snatched the burger and took off faster than Usain Bolt.  The worst part was that once I was safely out of range, I noticed that he (Flay) had taken a couple of bites out of the burger and it grossed me out.  I gave it to some homeless guy. 

EP:  Did he like the chipotle mayo? 

Hamburglar:  He did.  He said it was a “revelation.”

EP:  Have you ever tried to steal someone’s hamburger while you’ve been in prison?

Hamburglar:  No way.  Someone’s liable to stick you for that.  Besides, the crap they serve in here isn’t worth stealing.

EP:  What happens when you get out, will you be able to refrain from stealing hamburgers?

Hamburglar:  Sure.  I’m past those days now, not worth ending up back in the joint.  When I get out, I’m supposed to be in a reality show called “Steal my Heart” where 15 women vie for my affection.  Ryan Seacrest set the whole thing up, mostly to keep me silent because I know what his one sick fetish is.  It was either that or host a game show, which is pretty freaking stupid if you ask me.  Besides, if Snoop Dogg can quit smoking weed, I can surely quit stealing hamburgers.

Follow Ryan to the LA aquarium

I left him at the prison after a few more minutes of conversation.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him Snoop was smoking weed again.  As I watched him led back to his cell, I couldn’t help but feel we as society had discarded him after he outlived his usefulness, as much a victim of corporate malfeasance and globalization as an itinerant farmer in Zambia.  I stopped at In and Out Burger on the way home and realized that none of us are made of stone.  It could have been any one of us who turned into a hamburger plundering criminal.  I hope he gets out without getting a shank in the kidney.  I hope his reality show is a success, and that none of us EVER find out what Ryan Seacrest’s one sick fetish is, I hope he can see his friends again.  I hope…

After the longest hiatus I have taken since starting Epic Portions, I am back with a new fast food report.

Apparently it wasn’t enough that Burger King was destroying ribs.  They couldn’t be the ones doing it. Now McDonalds is joining the war against one of my favorite foods in the world and is almost ready to roll out McRiblets.  I have never seen an oven, grill or anything of that manner in a McDonalds “kitchen”, so I can’t say I’m very optimistic.  Then again, even if McDonalds had smokers installed at all of their locations I still wouldn’t eat their ribs.

I’ve always been a McDonalds breakfast man.  To me, the McMuffin is the king of fast food breakfast options.  There’s just something about it.  That being said, every now and then I do get the urge to switch it up a little and grab myself a Croissan’Wich from Burger King.  It’s an extremely close second.  The only problem is the egg on the Croissan’Wich sucks.  Rather than a griddle fried egg, which comes on the McMuffin, the Croissan’Wich features some sort of omlette style egg which seems more like an egg substitute than an actual egg.  This got me thinking.  Is the griddle fried egg responsible for deliciousness that is the McMuffin? What if the Croissan’Wich had a better egg option?  I decided to figure this out for myself.

This was pretty simple.  I just took the nasty egg off of the Crossian’Wich and replaced it with the egg from the McMuffin.  The results were surprising.  Let me tell you, if Burger King used a griddle fried egg I wouldn’t even bother going to McDonalds for breakfast.  The Croissant is much tastier than the English muffin that McDonalds uses, and the sausage is usually pretty similar, if not better.  The egg added so much that was missing to the Crossian’Wich.  It even looks good upside down.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first McCroissan’Wich.  I can’t really verify that claim because I didn’t research it, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it.

Just to fully test my egg theory, I replaced the delicious egg on the McMuffin with the nasty egg from the Crossian’Wich.  To be blunt, it was disgusting.  You could really taste how bland the English muffin is and the sausage really didn’t make up for the lost flavor.  Burger King’s egg lacks so much flavor that it completely affects the taste of the McMuffin.  I took two bites and decided to throw it away.

In summary, Burger King needs a griddle fried egg.  Their breakfast may be greasy and sometimes bland, but the addition of a good egg would cause me to switch to their breakfast options.

Damn, that McMuffin was nasty.

A few days ago, Jeremy wrote about a new McDonalds menu item that has been sweeping the nation.  This item is called the Mc10:35, and can only be ordered at 10:35 AM which is the only time you can order simultaneously off of the breakfast and regular menu.  The sandwich is a combination of the Egg McMuffin and the McDouble and supposedly is an incredibly delicious creation.  I decided to put it to the test.

I rolled up to my local McDonalds at 10:35 AM and asked the lady if they still had Egg McMuffins to be sold.  She said yes, and my next question was if I could order off of the lunch menu yet.  To my horror, she informed me that breakfast went until 11:00 AM during weekends.  This represented the single time in my life where I was disgusted that McDonalds was still serving breakfast.  Usually my experiences consist of me waking up late and arriving mere minutes after breakfast had ended.  I decided to return home, collect my thoughts, and return at 11:05 AM.

At 11:05 AM, I decided to drive to a different McDonalds that is right down the street.  How convenient.  I ordered my Egg McMuffin and McDouble and was ready to go.  I resisted my urge to add Bic Mac sauce.  I guess the version you’re looking at is the Mc11:05, but I’m trying to be authentic here.

I got it home and began creating my sandwich.  By creating, I mean I took the top bun off of the McDouble and replaced it with the Egg McMuffin minus the bottom muffin.  I took the pickles off, because I didn’t see that fitting in to this equation.  Easy creation, but completely magical.

My apologies for picture overload, but I felt that was the only way to do this thing justice.  It was amazing.  The egg and Canadian bacon went oh so perfectly with the McDouble.  I urge you to try this combination out for yourself.  Your stomach might hurt for about an hour, but it’s worth it.

Oh, last thing.. I ate this along with an additional Egg McMuffin, a hash brown, and a chili dog Stephanie brought home.  I’m beginning to be disgusted by myself.

While I’m not a fan of McDonalds I do enjoy an Egg McMuffin every now and then.  Apparently in San Francisco of all places they have conjured up this sandwich, known as the Mc10:35.

Below is the recipe for this portable heart attack.  Thanks to The Consumerist and fark.com for the heads up.

1. Go to McD’s right when they are transitioning from breakfast to lunch.

2. Order one of the remaining Egg McMuffins from the breakfast menu and also order a McDouble since the lunch menu is now open.

3. Take the egg and Canadian bacon from the Egg McMuffin and put it on the McDouble.

I’d love it if John or one of our loyal readers would give this a try and get back to me.

Apparently you can get glocks and weed at McDonalds now.  I’m not lovin’ that.  Glocks and marijuana destroy communities!  You read…

CHARLESTON, SC (WCSC) - A Charleston teen picked up his food from a McDonald’s drive-through, but he got something else with his meal — a loaded gun and bags of marijuana.

It happened on August 29 at the McDonald’s on Savannah Highway. According to a police report, an 18-year-old and his cousin went to the drive-through to get some food. The employee at the window asked ‘who gets the bags.’ The young man said ‘it doesn’t matter,’ not realizing what he would find inside.

Police say he got an extra bag with a loaded .45-caliber or nine-millimeter handgun and what appeared to be bags of marijuana.

“It was the gun and the marijuana that was inside of a brown bag sitting inside of a McDonald’s bag,” said Kathy Rivera, whose son found the gun in his bag. “They noticed they had three bags. There were only two people in the car, so when he opened it he noticed it.”

Police say the gun and the bags of marijuana apparently were meant for the car behind the 18-year-old’s vehicle in the drive-through. Those people followed the young man all the way to a gas station on Sam Rittenberg Boulevard. One of them jumped out of the car and demanded that he give them the bags, which he did.

This could have led to some serious violence.  I know if someone tried to stick me up for my food they would be taking a dirt nap.  Fo real.  Fo real.

And read on…

From Fox News..

 INDUSTRY, Calif. —  A 40-year-old woman has been found dead in a machine at a Southern California food processing plant that is a major supplier for McDonald’s restaurants.

Los Angeles County sheriff’s detectives say the woman’s body was found early Tuesday at Golden State Foods in the City of Industry, an east Los Angeles suburb. Investigators believe her death was accidental.

No other details were given about her death or about the woman except that she was an employee.

The Irvine-based company has distribution centers across the nation. Its Web site says the company supplies McDonald’s and developed the sauce for the restaurant’s Big Mac in the 1960s.