Tios’ latest attempt to lure Ypsilanti and Ann Arbor residents into eating their terrible food is an eating competition involving 5 pounds of nachos, called Mount Nacheesmo.  I would normally be pretty pumped about an eating competition in my hometown of Ypsilanti, but I am on a strict boycott of anything involving Tios Mexican Cafe.

In true Tios fashion, the nachos closely resemble something you could easily make at home.  Check out that guacamole.  Look familiar?  Maybe a certain guacamole served by Taco Bell?  Or something that fixes leaks in your plumbing?  Sick.  This looks like 4.5 pounds of tortilla chips with nacho topping garnishes.  I think I’ll keep my $29.99 and Tios can keep their t-shirts.  Boo Tios.  Boo.

After losing several pounds(and promptly bragging about it), l decided I would completely leap off of the wagon and grab some of Taco Bell’s new Fully Loaded Nachos.  The Nachos Bel Grande is one of my all time favorites, so how bad could it be?   My answer to you is pretty bad.  I was actually pretty pissed that this turned out to be my splurge meal.  I’m pretty sure Taco Bell reads this blog, so this is dedicated to you, Taco Bell employee reader of Epic Portions.  Unless you work in the mail room or something.  If that’s the case, keep up the good work, Kevin James.

Upon my first gaze of these “fully loaded” nachos, I realized they were not fully loaded at all.  They were actually just a bunch of crap piled into a tortilla bowl that is usually used for their taco salads.  I began to wonder exactly what made these fully loaded and any different from the Nachos Bel Grande.  Chips?  Check.  Beef?  Check.  Beans?  Check.   Cheese?  Check.  Sour Cream?  Check.  I was only able to find two things that were different.

The first are the red tortilla strips, which I can’t seem to understand.  I can deal with them in my burritos because they add a bit of crunch.  Who came up with the concept of putting smaller tortilla strips on top of regular sized tortilla chips, on top of a giant tortilla bowl?  That’s a bit too much tortilla for me.  Less tortilla please.  Keep in mind that I’m saying tortilla over and over to prove a point.  They could have at least made the tortilla black or something.  Switch it up people.  I’m getting bored here.

The second difference is the guacamole, which tastes terrible.  Good, fresh guacamole is one of my favorite things in the world.  Shitty, processed guacamole is one of my least favorites.  I know what most of you are thinking.  “Hey asshole, you’re at Taco Bell.  What do you expect?”  What I expect is shitty quality food that has so many spices and chemicals poured into it that somehow it tastes good.  They somehow make grade-D meat taste good, so how did they screw up the guacamole?  Get on that Tbell.  That stuff looks like it comes in a tube and seals pipes.  Sick.

I ended up doing what I always do when I’m not satisfied with a Taco Bell menu item: smother it in fire and hot sauce.  Have you ever noticed that no other hot sauce tastes better on Taco Bell food than their own sauce?  The stuff tastes like shit on other food, but I swear they did something to make it only taste good on their food.  Oh, and I had to eat the entire thing with a spork so it ended up being like a bowl of Taco Bell cereal of something.  When I was done, I just threw the bowl away.  Damn, was I unsatisfied.

In tribute to one of my favorite food blogs, WouldIBuyitAgain?, I would like to completely rip off their concept and  end this review with the following…

No.  I would not buy this again.

I guess I’m on a bit of a fast food kick, but a trip to Taco Bell the other day got me thinking about how the food is advertised and how it’s really given to you.  Specifically, my cheesy beefy nachos (or whatever they’re called).  Taco Bell currently has their nachos for $.79-$.99 and are advertised looking like you get a large platter of nachos.  Here’s what is advertised versus what I really got.

Advertised

What John Got

While they were delicious, It would be nice to get a little more even for $.89!  Come on now.