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Vacation

by Jeremy on August 3, 2010 · 1 comment

August in Michigan. For my family it means a trip “up north” (as if north would be anywhere other than up) to a cottage on a lake. Yes, my friends, a break from the day to day grind of taking care of young children at home, in exchange for a chance to take care of young children in a totally new environment. Between making sure they don’t drown, frequent applications of sunscreen, and child-proofing a cottage, I’m hoping to find a moment to eat delicious food as well.

Northern Michigan (we will be in the Frankfurt area) offers some, but not many culinary diversions. Cherry pie at the Cherry Hut is a must. The best eats come when we charter a fishing boat and catch Great Lakes salmon, which, for lack of a better word, is great. I will eat every fish I catch — save one which will be wrapped in newspaper and sent to an appropriate villain of my choosing. The fish I keep will be cleaned, gutted, and then feasted upon. A couple places will let you BYOF (bring your own fish) and cook it for you any way you like. I usually walk in, hand them the cooler, and say “blackened, please.” Or we will fire up the grill and make it at the cottage. Either way, freshly caught salmon from Lake Michigan is AMAZING. Add some homemade French fries, cole slaw, a cold craft beer, and a lake view and I will be as close to Shangri-la as you can get while still in Michigan.

It is with a hint of regret, however, that technological limitations will keep me from posting on EP for a week. It is also with more than a hint of regret that I have decided to allow my teenage cousin, Penelope, to write a guest column or two in my absence. I shudder to think what will she will say, but hopefully it will be in English with something resembling correct grammar. I am shuddering again at the thought. I would like to state in advance that I accept zero responsibility for any posts bearing my name that may appear in the next week. (No worries, John, I’ve cleared this with the Epic Portions legal department, I bribed them with some cupcakes and they were putty in my hands.) So farewell for now, I’ll be back soon and hopefully you will enjoy the post(s) in my absence.

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Fourth of July Musings

by Jeremy on July 4, 2010 · 2 comments

Is there anything worse than spam? Be it the culinary version, or the kind that has been assaulting EP, few things are more loathsome than spam. On that note, our comment feature has been modified for the time being. It seems our spam filter is having problems because insurance, cialis, and whatever other crap the moronic spammers are into these days have been getting through. Until we get this figured out, all comments go to us for approval. I want to reiterate to all EP readers, we do not believe in censorship. We will approve every legitimate comment that goes through. If you doubt this, check out comments on our posts. We have been verbally assaulted on more occasions than I can remember. And not just from the Guy Fieri mafia. Hopefully this minor inconvenience will be rectified soon. If I felt eating Spam and eggs would help, I would do it. On that note, is there a reader out there that actually likes Spam? If you do, please share. If something seems appetizing I’ll give it a shot…now to the random musings.

I can’t think of a better culinary topic on the Fourth of July than corn on the cob. On the grill or in the oven (I refuse to boil corn on the cob) has to be the way to go. Not too long ago, I started cooking or grilling it while still in the husk. For me, there is no other way. The husk keeps the moisture in and steams the corn. It is perfect every time. 30 minutes in a 375° oven, give it a few minutes to cool and dig in.

When did putting grapes in chicken salad become commonplace and why is this still tolerated?

Chicken salad with grapes, served in a glass on a bed of lettuce. Wrong on so many levels.

Speaking of salad, potato salad can really surprise you sometimes. I was at a BBQ last weekend and the host, who used to cook at the now defunct Cottage Inn Café on Washtenaw Avenue (moment of silence, please) made a potato salad that had capers in it, and it was quite good. Normally I have no use for capers. I’ve got to get his recipe; beyond chicken piccata I had no idea capers could be delicious.

I broke down and bought a gas grill last year. I know, grilling enthusiasts, charcoal is the way to go, but the simplicity of gas has proven valuable. I grill far more often with the gas grill than I did on my Weber. But today I ran out of propane before my burgers were finished. I cried out “NOOOOOOOOOO” to the heavens. Score another point for charcoal.

Fourth of July food discussion can’t be complete without mentioning beer. I tried Michelob’s Hop Hound at a party this weekend, as it was either that or Bud Light. Review to come sometime later this week…

Why is Poochie the rockin' dog on this beer bottle? Tune in later this week to find out!

As long as we are talking about beer, I love a good Hefeweizen but if I can taste banana in my beer I am going to switch to something else. Unless it is Bud Light Golden Wheat.

Did anyone else see this picture of Cookie Monster with the hot Russian spy chick?

Cookie Monster with hot redhead Russian spy. Seems like our old friend is doing pretty well for himself since retiring.

Looks like CM has been living an interesting life since he retired. Perhaps he’ll send us another letter someday…

And even though John hates soccer, one World Cup comment. If Netherlands wins the World Cup, the greatest party in history will be in Amsterdam. I would do unspeakable things to be there on that night.

Dutch soccer fans. Makin' orange look gooooood.

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Breaking News! Soda Consumption Bad for Five Year Olds!

by Jeremy on June 10, 2010 · 0 comments

Every now and then you read a study from a research university that just seems completely pointless. One study (source = Newsweek) recently that said people who are not considered attractive have “less chance of getting married.” Wow! Did they have a team of brain-dead chimps work on that?

Now comes another pointless study in that vein from our fellow Big Ten (going on Big 16) brethren Penn State. Known as the home of meteorologists, Beaver Stadium, and a football coach who fought at Gettysburg, Penn State set their formidable research talents on soda consumption among children.

It turns out (shockingly!) that girls who consume soda at age five are not as well nourished as girls who do not. Seriously. Not only did they engage in the most useless study ever, they tracked these girls for TEN YEARS! You know, just in case soda consumption turned out to be a positive dietary aspect. One of the more shocking revelations from this study is that the soda drinkers had an increased sugar intake. Thank goodness for higher education.

Don’t take this as Penn State bashing, I’ve been to State College and from what I remember I had an outstanding time. The campus is beautiful and I love the old school football uniforms. But please, devote your research time and money to something a little less obvious next time. Why don’t they next study what it is about Guy Fieri that people like and find a way to remove that gene. For the sake of all humanity.

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10 Most Dangerous Foods

by Jeremy on February 23, 2010 · 12 comments

Now that H1:N1 has lost its mojo, many members of the media have set their formidable journalistic talents on finding the next great scare. What will it be? A new disease? Octogenarians driving out of control Toyotas? Sadly, it is something that hits close to home…food. The formerly respectable folks over at Time Magazine have released the 10 MOST DANGEROUS FOODS list. At any moment these edible assassins could sneak into your home, kick your dog and KILL YOU!!!!! Fortunately Epic Portions is here to defend food, even the horrific habitants of Time‘s list, many of which are delicious. Here is what Time claims will kill you, along with the uniquely insightful observations that only EP can provide.

10. Mushrooms

Thanks, Captain Obvious. Could you be a little more vague please, Time Magazine? Your journalism profs are rolling over in their graves. It’s not like the average person is picking the mushrooms in their backyard and scarfing them down while hoping for the best. If you don’t know that eating wild mushrooms is potentially hazardous than your presence in the human gene pool is no longer required. In the mean time, your friendly neighborhood grocer has a full supply of perfectly safe fungal goodness ready for addition to omelets or pizzas.

9. Coffee

Really, Time? Are you this desperate for dangerous food? Not to reveal the rest of the list too early, but since Chicken McNuggets is not on the list, ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY COFFEE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS YOU FUCKING MORONS?!?!?!?!? If you read Time’s article, the rationale they give is the incident where the 79 year old woman failed to realize she had a cup holder, put her McCoffee in her lap and promptly burned the shit out of herself, then sued McDonalds for serving hot coffee. Time serves up a Venti sized pile of nonsense with this addition.

8. Cassava

Raw cassava looks delicious!

Watch out world, better empty your pantry of cassava. Oh right, most of you probably have no idea what cassava is. Not trusting Time, I checked Wikipedia on this one. Apparently Cassava is an edible starchy tuberous root (sounds delicious!). The flour from the roots is used to make tapioca, something we’ve all heard of and don’t care about. Cassava is only dangerous when consumed raw. So, if you were considering heading out to the wild, pulling a starchy tuberous root out of the ground and consuming it raw, please send Time a note of thanks for saving your life.

7. Tuna

Hmmmm….Time tells me Tuna can kill me and Alton Brown says it is good for my health. Any guess at who I’m going to believe? We all know Tuna can contain mercury, but the Japanese eat a shitload of this fish and they are known for having a healthy diet. Tuna has the distinction of being able to be eaten raw with little potential health consequence, and the overwhelming potential of being delicious.

6. Rhubarb

We all knew Garrison Keillor was trying to kill us

Considering gnawing on raw rhubarb leaves? Of course you weren’t. No, you really weren’t considering rhubarb at all, unless coupled with strawberry and served in a pie. Delicious. So, much like cassava, if you take one thing away from this, do not venture into the wilderness and eat raw rhubarb leaves.

5. Leafy Greens

Way to be vague again, Time. After years of being told by our parents that we need to eat spinach, Time has come to rescue us. I would like to point out, again, that according to Time eating leafy greens is more dangerous than eating Chicken McNuggets. Time is referring to the outbreak a few years back, when some brilliant farmer decided it was a good idea to let his cows take a shit upstream from where they grew their spinach. Time also points out that the majority of illness from eating leafy greens comes from food handlers not practicing proper hygiene. No shit, that would pretty much apply to any food, wouldn’t it? In the mean time, order me up a ceasar salad, extra romaine please.

4. Peanuts

Jack booted peanut Nazi's are after YOU!

We all knew this was coming. Save us all from the peanut police. Before I get too nasty with peanut allergies, let me say I have true compassion for those allergic to peanuts. The inability to eat peanut butter is a gruesome curse to say the least. According to respected source Time magazine, 1% of the U.S. population suffers from peanut allergies. And most of them were in my son’s pre-school. A well known local movie theater chain had to stop popping popcorn in peanut oil due to mass peanut hysteria. The result, a significantly less delicious popcorn. For 1% of the population. Come get me peanut gestapo, I won’t allow you to ban peanuts from all public places. Meanwhile, for 99% of the U.S. population, PEANUTS ARE NOT MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!!!

3. Ackee

Watch out for the wacky ackee in Jamaica!

Apparently ackee is the national fruit of Jamaica. This truly is dangerous, as I had several friends who went to Jamaica during college to partake in a national Jamaican delight. For those who are traveling to Jamaica to mellow out on any Jamaican specialties, let Epic Portions tell you that ackee contains black seeds that are dangerous to consume. Come to think of it, my friends kept saying they had to remove the seeds before partaking in their Jamaican delicacy of choice, maybe they knew about this in advance.

2. Fugu

Mmmmm...fan-fugu-tastic!

Thanks to the wacky adventures of Homer Simpson, I was well aware of the danger of Fugu, especially if the only chef qualified to prepare it is engaged in coital delights with Mrs. Krabappel in the backseat of a car (talk about dangerous activities!). If improperly prepared, fugu can be deadly, so it is fortunate that to legally prepare fugu (a Japanese delicacy) one must have two to three years of training. The Japanese consume 10,000 tons of fugu every year, with minimal incident. Sounds real deadly, huh?

1. Hot Dogs

No argument from me that a lot of hot dogs contain mystery parts and are not fit to be consumed by man or beast. But that is not why Time is saying they are deadly (if that were the case than they would HAVE to include Chicken McNuggets). No, Time tells us of the awesome choking power of the hot dog, especially to children. If you have kids and don’t know better than to cut the hot dog into bite size pieces before serving it to them, than I leave you with the wisdom of George Carlin. The late, great comic said: “Whatever happened to Darwin, survival of the fittest. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own.” Or in this case, the parent who doesn’t cut up his kid’s hot dog properly regains their eligibility for a Darwin Award.

Whew, that was tiring and has left me famished. I think I’ll have a Tuna Dog with a spinach salad with wild mushrooms and cassava, with a peanut-rhubarb buckle for dessert. And yes please on the after dinner coffee.

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Rock Band Band

September 21, 2009

This has nothing to do with food, and I don’t care. Gotta love Best Buy Ann Arbor.

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Tru Blood Can Now Be Yours

August 5, 2009

I have to admit that I am hooked on HBO’s vampire series, True Blood. Usually I’m not a huge fan of vampire related entertainment, but this show has it all. So far this season there has been murder, orgies, human sacrifice, adultery, werewolves, shapeshifters, and Jesus camps dedicated to killing ...

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