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recipes

Make Your Own Taco Bell Meat Filler!!!!

by Jeremy on January 25, 2011 · 3 comments

I would first like to state that I have no knowledge of what Taco Bell uses as meat filler.  My best guess is that they are using the same type of soy-based meat-substitute that I make for my family on “taco night.”  More on that bit of sadness later.  Saving money is the obvious motivation for Taco Bell not to use locally grown, grass fed beef, which I hope the consumer would prefer.  I will leave the actual research on this topic to John, since he deserves his due as a serious, thought-provoking Investigative Journalist.  Kind of the Hunter S. Thompson of the food universe…

I’m more of a satirist, which is to say I write humor that no one laughs at.  What follows is what passes as taco night at my house, due to my having (voluntarily) married a vegetarian.  Whether this recipe inspires laughter or pity is up to you.  Just remember that quite often it is served with a margarita, which makes anything better.

Thus begins another new segment on Epic Portions (BTW – we are now up to 1,478 “new segments”) called:  Six Minute Meals:  Jeremy’s Forced Vegetarian Dinners.  Simple, nutritious, affordable, and edible.

Jeremy’s Super-Delicious Soy Based Vegetarian Meat Filler Tacos

1.  Buy one bag of Morningstar Farms Grillers fake ground beef.  If something else catches your eye, like Boca, go for it.  It’s soy.  Your palate is already crying at this point…

2.  Buy a packet of Old El Paso Hot n Spicy Taco Seasoning.

3.  Purchase a yellow pepper, an orange pepper, and two jalapenos. Julienne the onion and peppers (in other words cut into long strips that would fit nicely on a taco) then sauté the peppers, onions, and jalapenos (save a dash of the Old El Paso Seasoning for the veggies)—stir in seasoning as veggies begin to soften.  One other note: Do not, under any circumstances, remove the seeds or membrane from the jalapenos.  If you are going to eat soy based meat filler, ADD HEAT—you will need make your food exciting.

4.  In a separate pan (use non-stick or you will have regrets), dump the contents of the Bag o’ Meat Filler into the pan with an already hot tablespoon of vegetable oil.  Stir off and on until Soy Based Meat Substitute has begun to soften, about 3 minutes.  When it does, add half the packet of seasoning and stir.  In another minute, add the rest of the seasoning packet (save the portion you mixed in with your vegetables). Stir and let cook another minute or two, and take comfort in the fact that you don’t need to use a meat thermometer.  Remove seasoned soy from pan.  Be sure to save the rendered soy-ey goodness on the bottom of the pan.  Deglaze with a bottle of Boone’s Farm and serve to someone you do not like.

5.  You will also need: Tortillas, vegetarian refried beans, shredded cheese of your preference, lettuce, salsa of your choice, and any other taco fixins that make you happy. 

6.  Assemble tacos.  Eat.  Be a little surprised that they are pretty good.  Not great, but good.  And it is healthy.  There is always that.

For what it is worth my seven year old son loves taco night.  I even call it fake ground beef when I buy it and am cooking it.  Which means if you are in my house on taco night, you will hear me say “I’m going to make the fake ground beef now.”  Doesn’t bother him a bit.  Me, on the other hand…

So give fake soy substitute meat filler a chance, if you want.  At least you won’t have to face the fear of every father who cooks for his family: making your entire family ill with food poisoning.  Just remember to wash your hands.

{ 3 comments }

Making Dinner for Your Vampire Boyfriend!!!

by Jeremy on August 5, 2010 · 3 comments

Ok, so first I promised my cousin Jeremy that I would say this is written by me, Penelope, and not him.  Happy?  Like anyone would confuse me for one of Jeremy’s boring “I’m cool because I’m angry” stuff about cupcakes or Bud Light Golden Wheat, which BTW is not as good as BL Lime I had at my friend Madison’s 16th bday.  He told me he would pay me $50 if I fed his cats and wrote a post for this food website while he is on vacation so here I am.  So what should I write about? 

So I thought, what is the one thing that everyone wants, irregardless of whoever you are, or like whatever you believe in and all that stuff?  That’s easy, forgetting your normal life and your gossip queen friends and all their lame drama and hooking up with your super hot and sensitive vampire boyfriend!  Ok, my BF isn’t a vampire, but it would be totally cool if he was.  My real boyfriend sometimes doesn’t call me for days sometimes because he’s playing Call of Duty or Madden football or some other geek thing like that.  If he were a vampire, he would appreciate me more.  So then I would cook for him!  Now I’m lucky if I can get him to take me to Taco Bell. 

Ok, but this is writing and stuff so lets pretend he is a vampire and totally hot and in love with me.  But what I would cook?  I’ve made cookies a couple times and I made mac and cheese once.  Do vampires even taste stuff?  If I had a vampire BF we would usually just lay around in the woods and look longingly at each other.  I know that the whole “Vampires can’t eat garlic” stuff isn’t true, but why risk it and besides I don’t want him to have yucky breath when he tells me he is willing to sacrifice everything for me.

So what does every guy like, even if it’s a regular guy or a 112 year old vampire trapped in some hot guy’s body?  Steak, and bloody too!  When I eat steak which is like hardly ever because my Mom and Dad are on this dumb “don’t eat it if it didn’t grow in the earth” diet (where do cows come from, duh!), I hate it when it is all dry and burned.  So I’ll make him a steak and cook it rare.  I think a vampire would like that! 

But first I need an appetizer like mozzarella sticks or the asian lettuce wraps they have at Chili’s.  If your going to cuddle up with a vampire, always remember that they are cold blooded.  Ewwwww!  So for appetizer, give him soup!  Make him and his body warm, and maybe he won’t be so clammy when it is time to get close!

So soup for an appetizer and steak for the main course, but what about dessert?  Nothing says I love you and think you are cute more than a cupcake!  I’m going to decorate them in red, and I totally found these joke valentine hearts that say “bite me” and I’m going to put them on the cupcakes too.  I’m sure he will tell me he thinks I am really funny after he sees that.

I don’t have recipes or anything but I’m sure you can look stuff up online and find it yourself.  Anyway that was kind of fun.  If I have time I might do another one of these.  I hoped everyone liked it!!  Bye!

{ 3 comments }

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Bacon S’mores.

by Megan K on March 9, 2010 · 6 comments

Yeah, that’s right: Bacon S’mores.  Chocolate-covered candied bacon smothered in marshmallow in a graham cracker crust.

I can’t take credit for this idea, and actually I’m not sure I would want to.  A friend tweeted about The Complete Sale of Selma Lee posting about Chewbacca Bars, which they also call Chunky Chewies.  I immediately started telling my friends about them, calling them bacon s’mores, until someone pointed out the lack of graham. So of course,  I added graham! Below is my own recipe, which is extraordinarily similar to others’ recipes, except where I made some changes.

Start with one pound of thick-cut, peppered bacon. Cut the uncooked slices into quarters or even sixths, and marinate the pieces for a few hours (in the fridge!) in equal parts balsamic vinegar and maple syrup (the real stuff, none of that Mrs Jemima gunk.) Coat with brown sugar and more pepper, and bake on a wire rack on a LINED baking sheet at 350F until delicious. I didn’t time it. If you are someone who can leave baking bacon well enough alone, good for you. I stuck my head in there to smell it every, oh, ten seconds, so it took a while to bake but it was easy to tell when it was done.

Here is some delicious, marinated bacon ready to bake:

And here is what happens if you don’t line your baking sheet with tinfoil.

SERIOUSLY, I have been soaking and scrubbing my baking sheet since Sunday and it hasn’t come clean yet.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you to line it.

When the bacon is done, remove it from the oven and move it to a plate to cool.  Melt about 2 1/2 cups chocolate – I used dark, but it’s up to you – in a double boiler, and when the bacon is sufficiently cool, dump it in and fold it in to coat. Really coat it. No wimpy half-coated pieces here. Place a greased wire rack on a large amount of newspaper in an area of your kitchen that you don’t much need to make other things, and dump the chocolate-covered bacon onto it to set. Let it set. Stop eating it, just let it set.

Meanwhile, take 2 of the 3 packets of graham crackers that come in a normal sized box, and make really fine crumbs out of them. I did this using freezer bags and a rolling pin and beating them into submission. You can also use a food processor, but the rolling pin method is actually quite fun! Place 1/2 of the crumbs into a glass 9×11″ baking dish, and set the other half aside.

Now, you make marshmallow. Yes, you make it from scratch, because homemade marshmallow is god’s gift to the world and about 427times better than store-bought. Really. I used Joy of Baking’s recipe and I used it verbatim*, because everyone warned me it was really gooey and kind of difficult. It is really gooey, but it actually cleans up pretty easily with just water, and it is not that difficult.

1 cup cold water
3/4 oz unflavored gelatin (usually comes in 1/4oz packets, 4 packets in a box)
2 cups white sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
1/4 tspn salt (I use popcorn salt)
2 tspn vanilla extract

Put 1/2 cup cold water into a large, clean metal bowl. Sprinkle the gelatin over the water and let stand until gelatin softens, about 15 minutes.  Meanwhile, place the sugar, corn syrup, salt, and remaining 1/2 cup cold water into a saucepan. Cook, stirring, over medium heat until sugar dissolves and the mixture comes to a boil. Attach a candy thermometer to the side of the pan and boil on high heat until the syrup reaches 240F, about 10 minutes.  With mixer running (it helps to have about three hands at this point) pour the hot syrup into the water-gelatin bowl. Add the vanilla. Gradually increase the speed of your mixer to high and beat the mixture until it turns into marshmallow cream. Try not to cut off your fingers with the mixer when you are sticking them into the bowl to taste it.  Be prepared to stand there for awhile – the recipe says 10 min, but mine took 15 min or more. It will grow, so be sure to use a big bowl.  It will also taste really good, like even better than you are expecting, so don’t eat it all with your fingers (if they’re still attached.)

NOW – chop the chocolate covered bacon into bite-sized pieces and set aside. Pour 1/2 of the marshmallow cream into your crumb-prepared baking dish, and put the chocolate-covered bacon on top. Add the remaining marshmallow and sprinkle the other half of the graham crumbs on top.  Allow to set for a few hours – I gave it four hours but sped it up a bit in the fridge, and it was fine.

It will look delicious and pretty like this:

… and it will be divisive.  My sister says chocolate-covered bacon is the most disgusting thing she can think of;  fair-goers across America think it’s a wonderful treat.  Everyone who tried a piece liked it, but only one went back for seconds. I thought it was good.  I think most things made with bacon and most things made with marshmallow are good.  Chocolate doesn’t hurt.

Will you like bacon s’mores?  Only one way to find out! :-)

*verbatim? OK, so not really. I don’t really do verbatim. But I came pretty close this time… I doubled the recipe because I needed extra to make s’mores cakes for the vegetarians and the Muslim (blog post to come) and I also used a hand mixer instead of the recommended stand mixer, because I don’t own a stand mixer. But otherwise: totally verbatim.

{ 6 comments }

Lumpy Bumpy Toffee Cake

by Megan K on February 9, 2010 · 8 comments

My friends were pretty excited when I announced that I’d be blogging here – not just because they’re supportive and stuff, but because I also announced that I’d be hosting regular dessert parties in order to have something to write about. This past Sunday was our first: I made Lumpy Bumpy Toffee Cake, a chocolate-mascarpone-Baileys-toffee creation that was even better than I expected… and which, aesthetically, lives up to its ridiculous name.

I should note that I did not make the toffee myself. Have you ever tried to make toffee? Perhaps some day when I have nothing else to do, I’ll give that a shot. In this case, I already had two other delicious layers to make up, so I left the toffee to a pro: Audra Martin, a local toffee whiz. I bought a small jar of milk chocolate toffee and a small jar of dark, mixed them together in a ziplock bag, beat them into submission small pieces with a rolling pin, and I had my topping.

As for the rest – this is a combination of about five recipes, inspired by a sort-of similar cake seen at Sugarland in Chapel Hill NC.

Lumpy Bumpy Toffee Cake

A chocolate sponge cake with Bailey’s-mascarpone cream and toffee topping.

For the cake:

6oz good-quality dark melting chocolate (I use Ghirardelli 60%)
3 tablespoons coffee
6 large eggs, separated and brought to room temperature
2/3 cup white sugar, divided into two 1/3 cup amounts
1/2 tablespoon salt (I prefer baking with popcorn salt for the texture)

In a double-boiler, melt the chocolate and the coffee together, then allow to cool almost to room temperature. Don’t force it in the fridge, you’ll mess up the texture. Leave it be, go watch a movie or something, and just let it cool.

In a large bowl, beat the egg yolks, 1/3 cup sugar, and the salt until it all turns pale and thick. Fold in the melted chocolate.

In a separate bowl, with clean beaters, beat the egg whites until soft peak form.  Gradually beat in the other 1/3 cup sugar until it just holds soft peaks.

Gradually fold the egg whites into the yolk-chocolate mixture. Pour batter into a 9″ springform pan and bake at 350F for about 25 min or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool in the springform on a wire rack.

A note: this cake is going to deflate while cooling.  One minute it’s filling the pan, then you set it to cool, and suddenly it’s 3″ tall. It’s OK.

For the cream:

100ml Baileys Irish Cream
16oz mascarpone
2 tablespoon white sugar
slightly less than 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream (the cream and Baileys should add up to about 3/4 cup liquid)

In a large bowl, beat the mascarpone and sugar until combined. Add the Baileys and cream, and beat until it reaches a consistency you like. Try not to eat it all before you get around to assembling the cake.

To assemble:

Remove the cake from the springform and place it on a serving plate. If yours is anything like mine, your cake will have deflated, leaving a crater in the middle with slightly raised edges. Fill the cake crater with a thick, lovely layer of mascarpone, and top with roughly 2 cups toffee crumbles.

Enjoy!

{ 8 comments }

Hello, Gerbil!

February 4, 2010
Gerbil cake!

Hello, Epic Portions readers!  My name is Megan, and I’m new around here.  I’ve joined up to talk about baking. See, I believe in baking creatively.  It’s not really enough for me for something to just taste good.  I think it needs to be creative, either in concept (I like ...

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