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tios

Jeremy’s Final Tios Post

by Jeremy on July 16, 2011 · 1 comment

It is time to lay this dog to rest.  If Stringer Bell and D’Angelo Barksdale can die and never be heard from again, then so can I sever my online relationship with Tios.  The loss will be felt by no one.

I will not engage in hyperbole, in this final ever Tios post.  My objective is to lay out in a concise manner my reasons for disliking Tios.  I do not need to make amends for that dislike any more than I have to make amends for not liking P.F. Chang’s.  And if you really think about it, the two are comparable.

In my opinion, Tios serves substandard Mexo-American fare.  That alone, however, is not why Tios has drawn critical scrutiny.  The substandard Mexo-American fare is WAY overpriced.  If you honestly believe that Tios is a better value for your money than even Chipotle, you and I will just have to agree to disagree.  With extreme prejudice.

Overpriced, over hyped, substandard food is going to draw criticism.  But this has gone on too long.  From this post forward, the only time you will read the word “Tio” from me is when I’m talking about my long lost great uncle, Gran Tio Guillermo.  Besides him (and he rarely comes up), no más. 

But you know what?  Don’t take my word for it.  If you like, or even love Tios, then continue to go there.  If you’ve never eaten there, try it yourself.  They do have a nice tequila selection.  The evening couldn’t possibly be a total loss.  Why do I say this?  Because at least Tios is a local business.  People who are members of my community wait tables, cook, wash dishes, tend bar, bus tables, and manage there.  I’ve worked in restaurants before, and I bet Tios has a tight-knit crew of employees like most of the places I worked.  Good for them.  It’s not the server’s or bartender’s fault the food is substandard.

So I say, go to Tios.  Drink up and tip well. Para mí, Tios está muerto.  Adios, Tios.

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Coming Soon to EP

by Jeremy on October 26, 2010 · 4 comments

November will soon be upon us, and it is by far the most underrated of all the months.  My favorite holiday — Thanksgiving — awaits at the end of the month, football season gets its mojo in full stride, and who could deny that the glorious Guns N Roses anthem, “November Rain” is the most awesome song to have the name of a month in it? 

November also promises to be a memorable month here at EP.  Here is an appetizer of what we have in the works:

I still haven’t forgotten my promise to give Tios a fair and impartial review.  I’ve just been growing my beard to ZZ Top-esque lengths to avoid recognition.

John and I have been on a health kick of late, and we plan on passing along some of our better recipes and ideas to our loyal readers.  Healthy eats, Epic Portions style…

Speaking of healthy eats, last month John and I were given the VIP treatment at Dominos Corporate HQ.  A post about our exploits is long overdue.

I plan a review of the new Fattoush Grill on Washtenaw Ave, which has the Amityville Horror like distinction of occupying Tios old digs.  Tune in as another white guy voluntarily enters a haunted house.

As fall transitions to winter I will shift my beer focus to Winter Beers.  But not before a post about the greatest Cider known to man or beast.

That is just a small taste, who knows what else is in store?  More celebrity interviews?  More peanut butter sandwiches eaten by John?  Perhaps a new anti-Guy Fieri rant?  Stay tuned, loyal readers, if it happens in the world of food, you will read about it here: off the record, on the qt, and very hush-hush.  (200 cool points to whoever names that movie first!)

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Man v. Pseudo-Mexican Slop

by Jeremy on September 12, 2010 · 3 comments

Sometimes a crime is so heinous, so unspeakably monstrous that it needs to be called out again and again and again.  Allow me to set aside my usual anti Guy Fieri rants to join in the chorus against Man v. Food’s appalling choice of location in Ann Arbor.

Tios?!?!?!?!  Are you fucking serious?  I don’t give a shit that Adam Richman probably has some research hack choosing his places to eat, it’s his show and this idiotic abomination is on him.  It’s like someone ran a meth lab out of his basement.  Sorry pal, you are culpable.

I engaged in a back and forth on facebook with one of our readers where we speculated on Adam’s choice.  I hoped he would eat the Suicide Wings at my favorite wing location, Mr. Spots.  The reader suggested Bomber, which would have left much amusement if he lost the challenge because John conquered that one. 

As for the real choices, no argument with Blimpy, although since Fieri was there it wouldn’t have hurt to try somewhere new.  Now you just look like Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives bitch for going there, so tell us how that feels Man v. Food?  You like being Guy Fieri’s bitch?

I won’t argue with the choice of Maize and Blue Deli.  I’m a fan and have been since I first ate there in 1993.  I still rank Zingerman’s and Amer’s higher but no problem with Maize and Blue.  Solid deli with amazing sandwiches. 

But Tios?  Holy shit is that embarrassing.  Anyone who has even the slightest idea of what authentic Mexican food is can recognize Tios for being the half-assed poseurs that they are.  John and I can argue until we are blue in the face about whether La Fuente or Los Amigos is better, but one thing we can agree on:  Tios sucks on a truly epic level.  For further info I refer you to my favorite of John’s award winning Tios posts.

And I don’t want to hear any of this “Tios is ranked best Mexican” or some other whiny, idiotic bullshit like that.  The fact that Tios has won that award speaks volumes about Ann Arbor’s lack of decent Mexican restaurants.  Sorry Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti owns you as far as Mexican is concerned.  You have to stretch credibility, but since Prickly Pear calls itself a “Southwestern Café” I will call it best in Ann Arbor.  Certainly better than Sabor Latino.  Would anyone argue against that?  Prickly Pear’s dumpster leavings blow away Tios.

My level of outrage over this has surprised me.  Adam Richman, I thought you were cool.   Isn’t there a game show for you to host?  You might as well put some backward sunglasses on and spike and dye your hair.  Loser.

As an addendum to this, since I have not officially reviewed Tios yet I vow to visit sometime within the next month and give it a fair, impartial review.  I haven’t eaten at Tios in over 10 years, so in the interest of fairness I will make another attempt.  Ugh.  It’s been a while since EP went into the belly of the beast, and I will take one for the team and give it another try.

Also, I am back from my trip to Philadelphia, which was quite solid.  I plan a muti-part post on Philly dining and my road trip there and back in the future in a segment called:  Jeremy Eats the Road (not literally).

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Man v. Food is Dead to Me

by John on September 11, 2010 · 12 comments

Man v. Food has been one of my favorite shows since it began a few years ago.  It’s like a good version of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives with a likable host and an eating challenge at the end.  What is there not to love?  When I first saw it,  I felt like it was a natural fit that Epic Portions began covering it.  Travel Channel even sent me season one on DVD for free.

I always hoped that Adam Richman would bring his show to Ann Arbor so I could hang out during production.  This week, the time finally came.  News started circling that the show was being filmed at Blimpy Burger on Wednesday, which was an obvious choice.  If someone was in town visiting and I needed one place to take them, Blimpy would more than likely be the winner.

His next stop was the Maze and Blue Deli, which I found to be a little odd.  I could probably think of ten places I would have recommended over it.  I’m not saying the place isn’t good, but come on.  Just because it has “Maze and Blue” in the name doesn’t mean you have to stop there while in Ann Arbor.  I could open up a bike repair shop and call it “Maze and Blue Bike Shop”, but it wouldn’t mean you should take your bike to me to get fixed.  I don’t know shit about bikes. I would probably break your bike even more than it already was.

I did everything I could to find out where the eating challenge would take place.  I scoured the internet, I talked to my insiders(HA!), and I kept my ear to the streets.  I was going to find Mr. Richman and I was going to be present for the challenge.  I had work  off, a full tank of gas, and a dream.  I finally found where out where it was all taking place, and what I read horrified me.

They selected Tios’ Mexican Cafe as their final destination.

Out of all places, they chose Tios.  Tios Mexican Cafe.  The WORST food in the area, perhaps the state. The place that has done everything in their power to DESTROY Mexican food.  The challenge turned out to be something I have written before… A hideous five pound pile of slop known as Mount Nacheesmo.

More like Mount Pile of Garbage! Haha!

Seriously, that is television worthy?  I could make that in my house and it would look/taste about 100 times better.  I was completely confused on this decision.  Ann Arbor has great local joints that really say something about the city, other than “Hey, we fucking hate Mexican food so we’re going to destroy it.  Here, have an enormous burrito filled with cat food and beans, and topped with yellow cheese and bland enchilada sauce.”  Why did Tios get the selection?  9/10 people that know food will tell you that Tios’ food sucks.  It’s common knowledge.  Couldn’t someone on the research team ask a local what they thought of the place and possibly recommend a good place to go?

Some time ago, I read WouldIBuyitAgain.com’s, rant on the resturuant selection in the Indianapolis.   I now see what he means.  The selection process on Man v. Food has gotten awful.  I will no longer watch Man v. Food.  Let the boycott begin.

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Tios’ World Famous* Wet Burrito

May 12, 2010

Since I am currently in the middle of an intense boycott of Tios’ Mexican Cafe, there has never been a way for me to share with the readers who do not reside in Ann Arbor the absolute horror that is their food.  That ends now.  Some poor soul went and ...

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Mission Accomplished.

March 24, 2010

After many months of attempting to persuade the city of Ypsilanti to rid itself of of Tios Mexican Cafe, it was brought to my attention this morning that I have won the first battle in my defense of Mexican cuisine.  Tios’ Ypsilanti location is now closed for business.    I say this is simply a victory in ...

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Tios. Torn Down. Part 2

December 29, 2009
tiostorndown

For some reason, AnnArbor.com has continued their coverage of the recent destruction of Tios’ old location.  In response, I will continue my coverage of Tios’ destruction of Mexican food.  This place is a disgrace and this event should be celebrated.  The only sad thing about this is Tios was allowed ...

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