Epic Portions

Author: John

  • Metro Detroit’s Best Burgers

    The Detroit Free Press recently did a “six week study” on the best burgers in the Metro Detroit area.  You can read the whole article here, but here are some highlights.

    Miller’s Bar
    23700 Michigan Ave., Dearborn
    313-565-2577

    Metro Detroit’s most famous bar burger is an undeniably delicious no-frills classic: a thick patty of fresh ground beef on an honest bun, brought to your table on a square of waxed paper. Help yourself to pickles from a jar on the condiment tray; sliced onion is served on request. Want cheese? It’s Swiss or Velveeta, sliced off long loafs and melted onto the patty into near-oblivion. You won’t get a bill; just tell the bar man what you had and he’ll tell you what you owe. For its fans, the bare-bones service and semi-divey setting only enhance the growing Miller’s mystique. Hamburger, $4.75; cheeseburger, $5.50.

    Poole’s Tavern
    157 E. Main, Northville
    248-349-1715.

    Burger lovers of several persuasions wrote to extol the hand-formed, half-pound, Certified Angus Beef burgers at cozy Poole’s Tavern in downtown Northville. You can keep it low-key and simple, or amp it up with add-ons like bacon, cheeses, mushrooms or grilled onions (75 cents-$1 each). The kaiser rolls are substantial, and the toppings are fresh and flavorful. Hamburger: $5.75

    Vivio’s Food & Spirits
    2460 Market, Detroit
    313-393-1711.

    Serving Detroit’s Eastern Market district for more than 30 years, Vivio’s turns out “beefy, moist burgers” that are “always cooked exactly to your order, and to perfection,” wrote major fan Dave Gohn. As promised, these Certified Angus Beef burgers are big, juicy and well-prepared. Price includes fries. Cheeseburger: $7.75.

    Nemo’s Bar
    1384 Michigan, Detroit
    313-965-3180

    The burgers at this legendary sports bar, a stone’s throw from old Tiger Stadium, are seriously savory, juicy and tender. Readers –and we — love the ones cooked behind the bar, with Worcestershire sauce and black pepper added while the beef sizzles on the grill. The grilled sesame-seed buns add great toasted flavor, too. Ardent Nemo’s fan Kelli Kavanaugh says, “My medium-rare always comes out medium-rare, and their own special blend of mustard sauce is wickedly good.” She’s right. That hot mustard rocks. Hamburger, $4; cheeseburger $4.50

    Vinsetta Grill
    28028 Woodward, Royal Oak
    248-543-2626

    Vinsetta’s Build Your Own Burger checklist lets you choose your burger size — up to a pound — and then top it with ingredients most of us have never thought of. Choose from 10 cheeses; 20 regular but interesting toppings; 11 premium toppings (from fried egg to Chablis mushrooms) and 18 sauces, including spicy sour cream, onion marmalade and peanut sauce. And the kitchen makes your creation look great, no matter how over the top you’ve topped it. Base prices include one cheese, four regular toppings and one sauce; additional charges for extra items. Hamburger (one-third pound): $7.99.

  • Slap Chop

    This has been out for a little bit so a lot of you have probably seen it, but it is pure comedic gold. You may remember Vince from the ShamWow commercials. He’s at it again with the Slap Chop, which actually looks like a pretty useful little tool.

    I got a little curious about exactly who this guy is. Research time!

    Vince’s real name is Vince Offer, which I guess is the perfect name for a pitchman.

    In 1999, Offer released a film called Underground Comedy Movie, which The New York Post called “the least amusing comedy ever made”.   The film was built around masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and jokes about mentally retarded people.  DVDs of the film were marked via television infomercial, go figure.  The film starred Offer, who is credited as playing Batman, Fetus Salesman, JJ Cool, Flirty Harry, and Vincenzo Bulafungu.  The cast also included Joey Buttafuoco, Slash and Michael Clarke Duncan, who is credited as “Gay Virgin”.  I couldn’t make that stuff up.

    After the film, Offer attempted to sue the Farrelly brothers, claiming that 14 scenes from There’s Something about Mary were stolen from his own film.  The case was dismissed.   He also attempted to sue Anna Nicole Smith for breach of contract, alleging that Smith had agreed to appear in the film.

    In 2004 Offer, an ex-Scientologist, sued the Church of Scientology.  He claimed that the church had declared him a criminal and urged its members to comit libel against him.   Not too sure if he was successful with that one.

    Anyways, now that you are an expect on all thing Vince Offer, enjoy his newest work.

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUbWjIKxrrs&hl=en&fs=1]

  • St. Patrick’s Day

    Not completely food related, but with St. Patrick’s day quickly approaching I had to do SOMETHING for the holiday.  I’m not a huge fan of traditional Irish cuisine, but maybe I’ll get something up here in the next few days.  Until then, here is the official Moorsfood St. Patrick’s post.  I just realized how unexciting that last sentence sounded, so I am going to make an extra effort to make this interesting.  You are getting my 100% here.  Just so you know.

    First of all

    You should know the history of St.Patrick’s day.  No, this isn’t just a day where you request the next day off work, drink green beer, attempt to do the worm(dance move), knock  table over, cut your face open, walk home, and rip the seat out of your toilet.  This day has tradition.  Read on and feel informed!

    • Most sources agree that St. Patrick’s actual name was Maewyn Succat. They also agree that Maewyn was kidnapped and sold into slavery at age 16 and, to help him endure his enslavement, he turned to God.
    • Six years after his captivity began, St. Patrick escaped from slavery to France, where he became a priest, and then the second Bishop to Ireland. He spent the next 30 years establishing schools, churches, and monasteries across the country. He brought Christianity widespread acceptance amongst the pagan indigenous peoples.
    • It is thought that St. Patrick used a shamrock as a metaphor for the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), showing how three individual units could be part of the same body. His parishioners began wearing shamrocks to his church services. Today, “the wearing of the green” on St. Patrick’s Day represents spring, shamrocks, and Ireland.
    • The date of St. Patrick’s death is still up for discussion. Some say that he died on March 17th, 461 AD. Another possibility is either March 8th or 9th – the days were added together to get March 17th. What is certain is that the holiday came to America in 1737, and was celebrated in Boston that year.

    Now that you are an expert, we can move on.

    Second Order of Business

    You need to be wearing some green.  Why?  I’m glad you asked, because I have even more information for you.

    • The colors of the Republic of Ireland are a tricolor of green, white, and orange. The orange supposedly represents the Protestant population, the green the Catholic, and the white the peace between them. (Let’s just leave Northern Ireland out of this.) Protestants don’t celebrate Saint’s days. So the wearing of green is a symbol of Saint Patrick’s day and then Ireland, the Emerald Isle, in general. The day as a holiday with parades, green beer etc. is more of an American tradition than Irish, and of course on St. Paddy’s day everyone is Irish.
    • For my more A.D.D. readers, if you don’t like getting pinched just wear green.

    Thirdly (I just made that word up) Update: After careful research, I did NOT make that word up.

    No matter what I said in the opening paragraph of this post you should make some Irish food to celebrate the holiday.  Don’t know how to make any Irish food?  I got your back!  It’s what I do!

    Musicalnesss.  Speaking of making up words..

    So while you’re wearing your green, you should probably make an effort to listen to some Irish music.  Put away the Fall Out Boy albums for a change.  It will only make you feel depressed!  Emotional thoughts are not allowed on St. Patrick’s day!

    Fourthly, Just a General Statement

    What did God do on the 7th Day? He went down the Irish Pub, stupid. There’s nothing as wonderful as an Irish pub – its air thick with camaraderie, folk music and the smell of Guinness. Get yourself to an Irish Pub by noon on the 17th, start on the Irish coffee, move onto the Guinness, try a few Murphy’s, refresh yourself with another Irish coffee and end with half a bottle of Jameson’s. Quite simply, anything could happen.

    Fifth…

    Dance a jig.  No, I don’t know what “Dance a jig” means, just do it.  Ok, moving on…

    Things you Shouldn’t Do and Should Thank John for Mentioning

    • Don’t order an Irish car bomb.  Think about it.  I know they’re delicious but lay off for just one day.
    • Don’t wear stupid shirts like “Kiss Me, I’m Irish”.  No one would ever wear that shit in Ireland, and you’re just straight tacky if you wear something like that.
    • Show up to work or class.  Your professor will understand, and if they don’t.. Say you have bird flu.
    • Search for a pot of gold.  That’s just stupid.

    Now that you are an expert on all things Saint Patrick, refer all of your friends to this blog, and tell them to donate all of their money to me.  That’s a joke, I’m a non-profit blogger and my only goal is to educate you.  Of course, you really want to give me money you can feel free.