Author: John

The Great Cereals of My Childhood

Growing up, I was raised in a very healthy eating household. Those of you who are regular readers know this from my parents’ meat freezer piled high with Lean Cuisines. My Mom never let me eat any cereal that had more than 12 grams of sugar per serving, so Cookie Crisp, Count Chocula and Lucky Charms were never options for me.   Instead, I received a masters degree from the Barb Moors school of cereal.   Here are my favorites from my childhood, which I still eat to this day.

Before you start reading, my Mom is not crazy nor is she a health fanatic. She just always wanted us to eat healthy. She also is an avid reader of this blog so watch the comments!

Cracklin Oat Bran

I remember the first time my Mom brought this stuff home, I thought it was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen in my life. Cracklin Oat Bran? I was seriously supposed to eat this stuff when all of my friends were eating sugar covered cereal with marshmallows? After much convincing, I found that the appropriate name for this cereal should have been Heaven in a Bowl. This stuff is serious delicious. I swear there’s a little bit of crack in every bite of Cracklin’ Oat Bran. The fun thing about it was that you were supposed to let it soak in milk for just one minute…but then you had to HURRY to eat it before it soaked up ALL the milk. This stuff got soggy quickly, so you had to eat it at the perfect point of soggyness. Unfortunately the health police got the recipe changed amid the “oat bran” craze of the 90’s and almost ruined it’s deliciousness. The coconut oil is all but gone and replaced by too much cinnamon and it takes 5 minutes to soak now. I only hope that one day General Mills will make an Special Retro Edition.

Banana Nut Crunch

I didn’t like eating a lot of fruit as a kid, and vegetables were completely out of the question, so my mom had to settle for tricking me into eating some sort of fruit product through cereal form. The weird thing about Banana Nut Crunch is I don’t even like Bananas. I could count the number of Bananas I’ve even on one hand. Thing thing is, this stuff doesn’t taste like Bananas.   It takes like some sort of delicious Banana Nut Bread. The flakes have this flavor, and the clusters are amplified with even more of it. Cheerios eventually came along and created Banana Nut Cheerios, but they aren’t even in the same ballpark with this stuff.

Apple Jacks

Coming in with 12.5 grams of sugar, Apple Jacks were the desert of my cereal selection. While I was only permitted to purchase a box every now and then, it was day our two of joy at the breakfast table. Usually the box would be gone within a 24 hour period. The reason these were so delicious was because they were like Cheerios, but actually tasted good. It’s like some kid who was forced to eat cheerios his entire childhood got pissed off and made it his life goal to save other children from that same fate. Why he decided to call it Apple Jacks, I have not a clue. They certainly don’t taste like apples and they are not, nor do they resemble, jacks. Applejack is a hard cider. I have no idea how the association with kids cereal was made. I mean, what if Frosted Flakes were instead named Frosted Lager. Or if Cheerios were Whiskey-Os. It just doesn’t make much sense. Regardless of the name, these things are delicious and responsible for some of the most delicious milk around.

Rice Krispies

Alone, Rice Krispies and milk is kinda boring. Especially since they began making Rice Krispies Treats Cereal. Do you know how hard that is when other kids are coming to school talking up the phenomenon that was Rice Krispies Treats in CEREAL and you know that it will never be a possibility in your house? BUT sprinkle some sugar on the plain old Rice Krispies (sorry mom) and… Hov! This cereal really caters to fruit being mixed in better than almost any other. High cereal-flakes-per-spoon ratio due to small individual “krispie” volume. One spoonful will stack about 10,000 krispies into your mouth.   They are on a B.Y.O.S.(bring your own sugar) basis, but Rice Krispies in the pantry is not a bad after-midnight find by any means.

Berry Berry Kix

Can I Kix it? Yes you can. Regular Kix was always a favorite of mine, but when they came out with Berry Berry Kix it completely blew my mind. You mean, I can add artificially flavored fruit clusters and another gram or two to the cereal I’m already eating? Heeeaaaaven. I remember going through and separating the regular Kix from the berry clusters before everything got too soggy. Then I would eat all of the berrys at once. It was my breakfast game. Oh, and it also had one of the greatest jingles ever created. Unlike that idiotic Subway jingle, Kix had an appealing song that made you want to go to the grocery store and purchase it immediately. Apparently this stuff is incredibly hard to find, and Kix began introducing Honey Kix, which John will not be trying.

Super Colon Blow

Ok, that was just a joke. Phil Hartman was the man though, and is greatly missed.

Cinnamon Life

The thing that drew me to Cinnamon Life cereal was that the sugar content was advertised as being low, but each piece of cereal was covered in shimmery pieces of sugar. It was incredible. Another thing was that I looked exactly like that Mikey kid from the commercials. People used to think I was Mikey when we went to the grocery store. I was a bonnafied cereal aisle celebrity look-alike. I’m serious, check out the comparison:

June 12, 2009
The Heart Attack Hall of Fame
Ever go out to eat and wonder how unhealthy that dinner you’re consuming might be? I sure don’t, but for some reason I was interested to take a look around at popular restaurants and see exactly who is trying to give America high blood pressure. Maybe it was because of my lack of creativity the last week or so, but man, did I succeed. There’s some pretty nasty stuff out there. I wouldn’t recommend you avoid all of these items because I can promise you that they are delicious, but just don’t eat them every night. You might find yourself looking like Kirstie Alley, and not the Kirstie Alley who gave birth to a baby who’s thoughts were narrated by Bruce Willis.

For every item, I will also provide photo evidence to show what you might look like if you were to indulge on that particular menu item on a daily basis. This is for my fellow sufferers of A.D.D. who just like looking at pictures.

Chipotle Mexican Grilled Chicken Burrito

1,179 calories
7 g fat
125 g carbs
2,656 mg sodium

Just wanted to start with something light to get us going. About a month ago, I wrote a post about how much I loved Chipolte once I actually gave it a chance. I always knew these monster burritos weren’t exactly good for you, and I feel as though it’s public knowledge. Despite a reputation for using healthy, fresh ingredients, Chipotle’s menu is limited to king-size burritos, overstuffed tacos, and gigantic salads —all of which lead to a humongous waistline.

While not all that terrible for you, you should probably avoid these things on your lunch break. I would recommend for dinner only, or you might find your fat ass riding a scooter to and from work.

Chili’s Awesome Blossom

2,710 calories
203 g fat
194 g carbs
6,360 mg sodium

Jesus. Hard to believe that a single onion can wreak so much nutritional havoc, but batter and fry anything and serve it with a rich dipping sauce and you’re bound to do some damage. Truth is, no one thinks that a deep fried onion is healthy. But, people don’t realize just how bad it really is. The pieces are so irregular it takes different amounts of time for sections of the same petal to cook. This means that some parts are invariably overcooked. When you overcook deep fried food, all the moisture is released and the oil is let in. That’s why onion blossoms are so much greasier and calorie-laden than say onion rings. Even if you split this thing 4 ways, you’re still eating about as many calories as you would from a normal meal. Daaaaaaamn.

If you keep eating the Awesome Blossom, you’re probably going to end up looking like that fat guy from Lost. I don’t know his name, but I bet he’s had a few Awesome Blossoms in his day.

P.F. Chang’s Pork Lo Mein

1,820 calories
127 g fat
95 g carbs

I don’t ever eat at P.F. Chang’s because I think they are overcharging for the quality of food offered. When I found out that the P.F. stood for “Paul Fleming”, I was even more turned off. If you can find a whiter name than Paul Fleming, I will buy you dinner. Anyways, back to the fat.. Don’t eat the Lo Mein. It’s bad for you. That’s all I got.

Continue eating the Lo Mein, and you will look similar to former WWF heavyweight wrestler, Yokozuna. Sure, he had some epic battles in the ring, but he died when he was 36 and weighed in at a trim 900 pounds at that time.

Chili’s Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing

2,040 calories
150 g fat (53 g saturated)
110 g protein
4,900 mg sodium

You know this burger’s in trouble when it takes more than 20 syllables just to identify it. If you think the name’s a mouthful, just wait until the burger hits the table. You’ll be face-to-face with two-and-a-half days’ worth of fat—a full third of which is saturated. To do that much damage with roasted sirloin, you’d have to eat about eight 6-ounce steaks. (It’s nearly three days’ worth of saturated fat.)

Keep eating these burgers, and guess what? You’re going to look like John Travolta in Hairspray.

Uno Chicago Grill Pizza Skins

2,400 calories
155 g fat (50 g saturated)
3,600 mg sodium

This appetizer is like eating a Large Domino’s Sausage Pizza. Would you ever think of saying to a waiter: “You know what? I’m hungry tonight. Let me get started with a large pizza and go heavy on the sausage.” If you’re ordering for a party of more than five, it might be OK, but for smaller groups, it’s tilting toward gluttony gone wild.

Keep eating these and you’re going to end up like the guy who is fat but wears the “I Beat Anorexia Shirt”. He does look happy though.

Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce

2,430 calories
128 g fat
207 g carbohydrates
5,290 mg sodium

First off, I have to watch what I say here because my girlfriend works for Macaroni Grill, but Daaaaaamn! 2,400 calories? 128g of fat? For some pasta? That’s crazy.

Other things you could eat and still be as unhealthy as Macaroni Grill’s Spaghetti with Meatballs:
- 18 Twinkies
- 19 Ho Ho’s
- 16 Ounces(4 cups) of sausage gravy
- 3 Whoppers
- 19 strips of bacon
- 6 fried chicken breasts from KFC
If you kept eating plates of pasta from the Macaroni Grill, you’re probably going to look like a porked up version of Robert DeNiro as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull. That wasn’t a good look for him.

I have to add that you should keep eating at Macaroni Grill and tip your server well, especially if her name is Stephanie. Just try and order something besides the Spaghetti and Meatballs.

Outback Steak House Aussie Cheese Fries

2,900 calories
182 g fat
240 g carbs

This one really takes the cake. This tub of sludge is, according to Men’s Health magazine, the worst food in America. Just eating this one food item, which is listed as a starter, will fill your entire caloric intake for the day. During my research, I checked what the good folks over at Urban Dictionary had to say on the subject. Here’s what you get:

Cheesy Fries from Outback Steakhouse that when ordered xtra cheese extra bacon and honey mustard or ranch is an orgasm in the mouth along with a heart attack in one bite

Couldn’t sum it up any better than that. If you continue eating this “starter” you will end up like Manuel Uribe, who has the distinct honor of having his picture coming up first on Google Images when searching for “World’s Fattest Man”. He weighs 1,234 pounds. Holy jesus.
June 9, 2009
Ordering Off the Menu

I don’t normally like to do this, but #949 on 1000awesomethings.com features many great examples of ordering things that aren’t currently on restaurant/fast food menus. I had to include it on here. Again, I did not write this. It came from 1000awesomethings.com. Go and enjoy that site.

Ever had a Neopolitan milkshake from McDonald’s?

One where they layer the chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla flavors in the same cup, creating a thick, icy, slow-moving light-brown-swirls-with-pink-flecks taste sensation? Yeah, my friend Chad was a regular customer of those. Of course, when he was working at McDonald’s he got sick of the regular menu pretty quickly and started tinkering in the back like a mad scientist with his coworkers, developing exotic, unstable, and unpredictable meal creations with the ingredients on hand. Yes, there were failed attempts, like the Chicken McNugget Flurry, but sometimes they struck gold and created a new off-the-menu line extension. I guess this is fairly common, because there are reports of online McDonald’s employee communities, where insider recipes such as the McBrushetta and McPancakeBatterFunnelCakes are shared.

Now, my world opened up when I first realized with Chad that you could order off-the-menu at fast food restaurants. Since that time I’ve learned about a few other secret options around. Like for instance:

• Wendy’s – The Grand Slam. If the single, double, or triple hamburgers at Wendy’s just don’t cut it for you, just go all out and order the massive four-patty grand slam. Also known as the Classic Quadruple or The Meat Cube.

• McDonald’s – Fries with Big Mac Sauce. Lots of people put fries right on the burger, which I agree tastes delicious. But this technique allows you to switch things up a bit and put some of your burger’s best feature right on your fries. Try to ignore protests from your arteries, and just ask for that a little cup of Big Mac Sauce on the side for dipping.

• Starbucks – The Red Eye. A cup of coffee with a shot of espresso dumped in. Now, I’m not a huge coffee drinker, but apparently you can even upgrade this to two shots which is called a Black Eye. I presume upgrading to three shots is called a Jumpy, Unblinking Eye.

• Most Fish & Chip places – Batter Bits. I knew a girl who was all over these. She’d lean in and guiltily ask in a hushed whisper and the guy behind the counter would nod slowly and hand over a wet, greasy paper bag full of all the batter drippings that fell into the oil by accident. Yeah, this is the bottom of the barrel of off-the-menu stylings. It ain’t always pretty out there.

• In-N-Out Burger – Animal Style Hamburger. The well-known ‘secret menu‘ at In-N-Out features this heavenly gem — their regular burger patty cooked in mustard, then topped with extra pickles, extra spread, and grilled onions. Yessir, In-N-Out will whip anything up — including messy Animal Style Fries or even a 100×100 order (100 patties and 100 slices of dee-licious cheese.)

• Subway – The Pizza Sub. Apparently this one’s like sasquatch. There are scattered sightings everywhere and a few grainy videos that may have been tampered with. Another favorite from Subway, though not technically a menu item, is simply ‘the old cut’, where they dig a trench in your bread instead of just slicing it, leading to better cold cut and veggie distribution. Also known for causing The Wing Effect, where your bologna hangs out the sides of your sandwich for some tasty pre-nibbles.

• McDonald’s – Big Mac with Quarter Pounder patties. One last McDonald’s fixture — the ol’ bun-heavy Big Mac surgically altered to become a meat-heavy Big Mac with Quarter Pounder patties instead. Now you’re much less likely to get that dreaded All-Bun first bite.

• Starbucks – The Short Cup. Even though the smallest size on the Starbucks menu is a ‘Tall’, they do offer a secret ‘Short’ size behind the counter. Perfect for that between-coffee-breaks coffee.

Now, I’m only one man, so I’m sure there are hundreds of great off-the-menu gems that I’ve never heard of or know about. But that’s the beauty! There are all these little surprises just waiting to be discovered. What possible fast-food mouth love will we discover next?

Ordering off the menu at fast food restaurants is a great deal. Maybe you’re the loyal customer looking for that new taste. Maybe you have strict dietary restrictions so it’s either off-the-menu or no-menu-at-all. Or maybe you’re just a grumpy guy who makes flippant off-the-menu requests with a deep scowl and a foot-stomp.

But whatever the case, whatever your background, whatever your taste, I think we can all agree that it sure is nice getting a little something special for lunch now and then.

AWESOME!

June 8, 2009