Epic Portions

Category: Randoms

  • Making Dinner for Your Vampire Boyfriend!!!

    Ok, so first I promised my cousin Jeremy that I would say this is written by me, Penelope, and not him.  Happy?  Like anyone would confuse me for one of Jeremy’s boring “I’m cool because I’m angry” stuff about cupcakes or Bud Light Golden Wheat, which BTW is not as good as BL Lime I had at my friend Madison’s 16th bday.  He told me he would pay me $50 if I fed his cats and wrote a post for this food website while he is on vacation so here I am.  So what should I write about? 

    So I thought, what is the one thing that everyone wants, irregardless of whoever you are, or like whatever you believe in and all that stuff?  That’s easy, forgetting your normal life and your gossip queen friends and all their lame drama and hooking up with your super hot and sensitive vampire boyfriend!  Ok, my BF isn’t a vampire, but it would be totally cool if he was.  My real boyfriend sometimes doesn’t call me for days sometimes because he’s playing Call of Duty or Madden football or some other geek thing like that.  If he were a vampire, he would appreciate me more.  So then I would cook for him!  Now I’m lucky if I can get him to take me to Taco Bell. 

    Ok, but this is writing and stuff so lets pretend he is a vampire and totally hot and in love with me.  But what I would cook?  I’ve made cookies a couple times and I made mac and cheese once.  Do vampires even taste stuff?  If I had a vampire BF we would usually just lay around in the woods and look longingly at each other.  I know that the whole “Vampires can’t eat garlic” stuff isn’t true, but why risk it and besides I don’t want him to have yucky breath when he tells me he is willing to sacrifice everything for me.

    So what does every guy like, even if it’s a regular guy or a 112 year old vampire trapped in some hot guy’s body?  Steak, and bloody too!  When I eat steak which is like hardly ever because my Mom and Dad are on this dumb “don’t eat it if it didn’t grow in the earth” diet (where do cows come from, duh!), I hate it when it is all dry and burned.  So I’ll make him a steak and cook it rare.  I think a vampire would like that! 

    But first I need an appetizer like mozzarella sticks or the asian lettuce wraps they have at Chili’s.  If your going to cuddle up with a vampire, always remember that they are cold blooded.  Ewwwww!  So for appetizer, give him soup!  Make him and his body warm, and maybe he won’t be so clammy when it is time to get close!

    So soup for an appetizer and steak for the main course, but what about dessert?  Nothing says I love you and think you are cute more than a cupcake!  I’m going to decorate them in red, and I totally found these joke valentine hearts that say “bite me” and I’m going to put them on the cupcakes too.  I’m sure he will tell me he thinks I am really funny after he sees that.

    I don’t have recipes or anything but I’m sure you can look stuff up online and find it yourself.  Anyway that was kind of fun.  If I have time I might do another one of these.  I hoped everyone liked it!!  Bye!

  • Vacation

    August in Michigan.  For my family it means a trip “up north” (as if north would be anywhere other than up) to a cottage on a lake.  Yes, my friends, a break from the day to day grind of taking care of young children at home, in exchange for a chance to take care of young children in a totally new environment.  Between making sure they don’t drown, frequent applications of sunscreen, and child-proofing a cottage, I’m hoping to find a moment to eat delicious food as well.

    Northern Michigan (we will be in the Frankfurt area) offers some, but not many culinary diversions.  Cherry pie at the Cherry Hut is a must.  The best eats come when we charter a fishing boat and catch Great Lakes salmon, which, for lack of a better word, is great.  I will eat every fish I catch — save one which will be wrapped in newspaper and sent to an appropriate villain of my choosing.  The fish I keep will be cleaned, gutted, and then feasted upon.  A couple places will let you BYOF (bring your own fish) and cook it for you any way you like.  I usually walk in, hand them the cooler, and say “blackened, please.”  Or we will fire up the grill and make it at the cottage.  Either way, freshly caught salmon from Lake Michigan is AMAZING.  Add some homemade French fries, cole slaw, a cold craft beer, and a lake view and I will be as close to Shangri-la as you can get while still in Michigan.

    It is with a hint of regret, however, that technological limitations will keep me from posting on EP for a week.  It is also with more than a hint of regret that I have decided to allow my teenage cousin, Penelope, to write a guest column or two in my absence.  I shudder to think what will she will say, but hopefully it will be in English with something resembling correct grammar.  I am shuddering again at the thought.  I would like to state in advance that I accept zero responsibility for any posts bearing my name that may appear in the next week.  (No worries, John, I’ve cleared this with the Epic Portions legal department, I bribed them with some cupcakes and they were putty in my hands.)  So farewell for now, I’ll be back soon and hopefully you will enjoy the post(s) in my absence.

  • Stouffer’s Pizza Plus Alcohol Equals…

    Last night after getting back home from a long night at the Blind Pig, I decided a French Bread pizza was a requirement before going to bed.  What I didn’t do was eat it.  It sat in the oven all night on 425 degrees.  I think I am lucky to be alive right now.