Epic Portions

Tag: beer

  • Fourth of July Musings

    Is there anything worse than spam?  Be it the culinary version, or the kind that has been assaulting EP, few things are more loathsome than spam.  On that note, our comment feature has been modified for the time being.  It seems our spam filter is having problems because insurance, cialis, and whatever other crap the moronic spammers are into these days have been getting through.  Until we get this figured out, all comments go to us for approval.  I want to reiterate to all EP readers, we do not believe in censorship.  We will approve every legitimate comment that goes through.  If you doubt this, check out comments on our posts.  We have been verbally assaulted on more occasions than I can remember.  And not just from the Guy Fieri mafia.  Hopefully this minor inconvenience will be rectified soon.  If I felt eating Spam and eggs would help, I would do it.  On that note, is there a reader out there that actually likes Spam?  If you do, please share.  If something seems appetizing I’ll give it a shot…now to the random musings.

    I can’t think of a better culinary topic on the Fourth of July than corn on the cob.  On the grill or in the oven (I refuse to boil corn on the cob) has to be the way to go.  Not too long ago, I started cooking or grilling it while still in the husk.  For me, there is no other way.  The husk keeps the moisture in and steams the corn.  It is perfect every time.  30 minutes in a 375° oven, give it a few minutes to cool and dig in.

    When did putting grapes in chicken salad become commonplace and why is this still tolerated?

    Chicken salad with grapes, served in a glass on a bed of lettuce. Wrong on so many levels.

    Speaking of salad, potato salad can really surprise you sometimes.  I was at a BBQ last weekend and the host, who used to cook at the now defunct Cottage Inn Café on Washtenaw Avenue (moment of silence, please) made a potato salad that had capers in it, and it was quite good.  Normally I have no use for capers.  I’ve got to get his recipe; beyond chicken piccata I had no idea capers could be delicious.

    I broke down and bought a gas grill last year.  I know, grilling enthusiasts, charcoal is the way to go, but the simplicity of gas has proven valuable.  I grill far more often with the gas grill than I did on my Weber.  But today I ran out of propane before my burgers were finished.  I cried out “NOOOOOOOOOO” to the heavens.  Score another point for charcoal.

    Fourth of July food discussion can’t be complete without mentioning beer.  I tried Michelob’s Hop Hound at a party this weekend, as it was either that or Bud Light.  Review to come sometime later this week…

    Why is Poochie the rockin' dog on this beer bottle? Tune in later this week to find out!

    As long as we are talking about beer, I love a good Hefeweizen but if I can taste banana in my beer I am going to switch to something else.  Unless it is Bud Light Golden Wheat.

    Did anyone else see this picture of Cookie Monster with the hot Russian spy chick? 

    Cookie Monster with hot redhead Russian spy. Seems like our old friend is doing pretty well for himself since retiring.

    Looks like CM has been living an interesting life since he retired.  Perhaps he’ll send us another letter someday…

    And even though John hates soccer, one World Cup comment.  If Netherlands wins the World Cup, the greatest party in history will be in Amsterdam.  I would do unspeakable things to be there on that night.

    Dutch soccer fans. Makin' orange look gooooood.

  • Epic Product Reviews: Bud Light Golden Wheat

    Your eyes are not deceiving you.  What follows is a review of Bud Light Golden Wheat.  Why, you ask?  Did I fall and hit my head?  Did I recently give up self-mutilation and feel a need to wound myself?  No to all.  We’ve seen the commercials and wondered. I have written glowingly about Budweiser American Ale, and stand by those writings.  Could Anheuser-Busch/InBev or whatever the hell they call themselves now strike gold two times?  I was curious to find out…

    Not so curious to try it before now.  If you are a price conscious beer shopper, then you may have noticed that a six pack of Bud Light Golden Wheat is priced at $7.49.  I’m not that curious, especially considering a six pack of Leiny’s Sunset Wheat is $6.99 and Bell’s Oberon is $7.99.  Anyone who would choose Golden Wheat over those two at that price is insane, stupid, or some horrifying combination of the two.  But this past weekend, it was on sale for $5.99.  Why not go for it?  I justified it by saying I could write a review; such is my love for you, dear Epic Portions readers that I was willing to not only purchase Bud Light Golden Wheat, but consume it as well, all for your knowledge and edification. 

    But is it that bad?  How low were my expectations?  If on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the beer equivalent of fermented horse urine, and 10 being the most delicious wheat beer ever (Hoegaarden), I was hoping for a 5 or 6.  Something akin to Blue Moon Light.  Not totally unrealistic considering that the aforementioned Bud American Ale is a very solid amber ale.

    Quite often the word FAIL is casually tossed around, but after trying Bud Light Golden Wheat I now believe the use of FAIL was intended specifically for this product.  It is wretched.  The bottle claims it is brewed with, “coriander and citrus peels.”  I defy anyone to tell me they can taste either in Golden Wheat.  I couldn’t taste coriander, I couldn’t taste citrus, but I could sure as hell taste Bud Light.  Even after drinking five of them, I still couldn’t taste either.  And at 4.1% alcohol, I was unable to drink myself into a state of no longer caring.  I stumbled upstairs to bed, knowing that I would awaken the next morning with a shame not felt by yours truly since I was single.  Waking up next to Golden Wheat made me feel like I needed to bathe in disinfectant.

    Surely some kind of sexually transmitted disease was passed on when these two hooked up

    On a side note, written on the bottle is the following:  “Unflitered wheat beer will settle.  Roll gently to mix.”  Not to go all beer snob on them, but do they mean DECANT?  I’m supposed to decant my bottle of Bud Light Golden Wheat?!?!  And like an idiot I did!  I spent an hour apologizing to my frosty mug for subjecting it to Golden Wheat.  Trust me, you haven’t really suffered from humiliation until a frosty mug has called you a “sorry-ass piece of shit.”  Time to take up self-mutilation, I suppose.

    Great pain and suffering can produce great art, and while I am no artist I did compose a haiku to cleanse myself of the befouling beast of Golden Wheat:

    bud light golden wheat

    a golden shower of shame

    summer beer failure

  • Chocolate Stout Pie

    What was it that John said about not basing too many posts off of Thisiswhyyourefat?  Well: this totally started as a This Is Why You’re Fat post about Guinness Pudding, which then led me over to Sprinklebakes (who is so brilliant!) and a fantastic explanation on how to make it happen.  But… this is me, this is Epic Portions, and I wanted to make it my own. (Also: I’m from St Louis once-upon-a-time, and I don’t really enjoy that that company that owns Guinness is kind of taking over, and I wanted to support the home team.)  So, I eliminated the Guinness, replaced it with Schlafly’s Oatmeal Stout, added a chocolate graham crust, and voila: Chocolate Stout Pie.  Delicious!

    Chocolate Stout Pie (makes two 8in pies)
    1.5 cups chocolate graham crumbs
    6 tblspn melted butter
    1/4 cup sugar
    1/4 tablespoon salt

    11 egg yolks
    1 1/3 cup sugar
    20 oz stout
    4 cups heavy whipping cream
    10 oz high-quality chocolate

    First, make your crusts. Melt the butter, crumble your graham crackers, and combine them with the sugar and salt.  Press firmly into your pie pans, and bake for 15 minutes in a 350F over.

    Now, for your pudding: in a metal bowl, beat together the egg yolks and the sugar.  Slowly pour the stout into a large glass, pouring down the side so that you don’t get foam.  Foam = bad for baking.  Now, take a heavy-bottomed saucepan and pour half of the stout into it.  Add 3 cups of the heavy cream, and slowly heat until bubbles begin to form at the edges.  Meanwhile, melt your chocolate in a double-boiler.  Once the bubbles are forming over in cream-stout world, pour the hot liquid into the melted chocolate and beat until combined.  Slowly pour that mixture into the egg mixture, beating constantly to prevent it from curdling.  (No, spell check, I did not mean cuddling. Curdling.)  Pour the entire mix back into your saucepan and cook over medium heat for about 20 min, until it thickens to coat the back of a spoon.  Pour the cooked mixture into a blender and blend on high for about two minutes, then pour into your baked crusts.  Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until cooled.

    In the meantime, pour the other half of the stout into a small saucepan and bring to a boil.  Reduce to medium heat and simmer for a good long time until you have a syrup.  Just don’t burn it – it’ll smell really bad and taste even worse.  When you have a nice thick delicious stouty syrup, pour it into a small bowl and refrigerate until cool.  Once your syrup is cool and your pudding is set, beat the remaining cup of heavy cream into soft peaks, then add the syrup and beat until combined.  Divide between your pies, refrigerate for an hour or so to set everything, and serve.

    Trust me, you’ll be glad it makes two!