Epic Portions

Tag: food

  • Jeremy’s Final Tios Post

    It is time to lay this dog to rest.  If Stringer Bell and D’Angelo Barksdale can die and never be heard from again, then so can I sever my online relationship with Tios.  The loss will be felt by no one.

    I will not engage in hyperbole, in this final ever Tios post.  My objective is to lay out in a concise manner my reasons for disliking Tios.  I do not need to make amends for that dislike any more than I have to make amends for not liking P.F. Chang’s.  And if you really think about it, the two are comparable.

    In my opinion, Tios serves substandard Mexo-American fare.  That alone, however, is not why Tios has drawn critical scrutiny.  The substandard Mexo-American fare is WAY overpriced.  If you honestly believe that Tios is a better value for your money than even Chipotle, you and I will just have to agree to disagree.  With extreme prejudice.

    Overpriced, over hyped, substandard food is going to draw criticism.  But this has gone on too long.  From this post forward, the only time you will read the word “Tio” from me is when I’m talking about my long lost great uncle, Gran Tio Guillermo.  Besides him (and he rarely comes up), no más. 

    But you know what?  Don’t take my word for it.  If you like, or even love Tios, then continue to go there.  If you’ve never eaten there, try it yourself.  They do have a nice tequila selection.  The evening couldn’t possibly be a total loss.  Why do I say this?  Because at least Tios is a local business.  People who are members of my community wait tables, cook, wash dishes, tend bar, bus tables, and manage there.  I’ve worked in restaurants before, and I bet Tios has a tight-knit crew of employees like most of the places I worked.  Good for them.  It’s not the server’s or bartender’s fault the food is substandard.

    So I say, go to Tios.  Drink up and tip well. Para mí, Tios está muerto.  Adios, Tios.

  • Don’t Call it a Comeback

    It has been too long, my friends.  I know I casually dropped by a few days ago with my Mr. Bourdain Goes to Cuba rant, but I wanted to formally say hello again as my absence has been far too lengthy. 

    Six months off food writing can change a man.  I spent the last month engaged in the oh-so-narcissistic act of reading many of my previous posts.  How can I improve?  Did I say anything relevant before my break?  Why did I spend so much time obsessing about Food Network?

    The answers are, like a properly prepared pomodoro, simple yet complex.  Improvement as a writer comes with practice, so by assuming my place here at EP I will no doubt improve.  I may or may not have written anything relevant, that is for you, the reader, to decide.  As for Food Network, I owe a lot to FN.  I received a culinary education from the likes of Alton Brown, Mario Batali, Emeril, and even Bobby Flay.  The fact that their programming has gone to shit is not my concern, and certainly not worth my time or witty insults.  They never owed me a thing.  If people want to watch Guy Fieri or Anne Burrell then more power to all of them.  I will leave Food Network with a gracious thank you and move on.

    I do want to issue one very earnest retraction.  In my anger over my beloved Man v. Food visiting Tios, I called Adam Richman a loser.  He most certainly is not.  I look like an asshole for making that statement, and it is beneath you, the reader, and me to make such a stupid claim.  Adam Richman has entertained me countless times, and my son and I love his show.  (More on M v. F in an upcoming post, as we all have noticed the change in format).  Adam comes across as a great guy.  Likeable, funny, friendly.  All the things I wasn’t when I insulted him.  Consider this an apology.  To him and to you.  You deserve a higher level of discourse.

    In the future, I hope to continue to bring humor to EP.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when you are a stay at home Dad if you can’t find humor in life you will surely run amok.  Not that my running amok wouldn’t be humorous, I suppose, but you get the idea.  Humor is good.  I plan on writing more about my efforts to properly introduce my children to the larger world of food—that which exists beyond chicken nuggets and boxed mac and cheese.  I will cast a cynical eye on the important food issues of the day, from the welcome increased focus on local ingredients to the horrors of our national food safety policies.

    Most importantly, I will endeavor to continue to write in the spirit of Epic Portions—great food, devoured with enthusiasm.  John and Todd founded this blog and laid the groundwork for its success by sharing their humor, love of eating, and willingness to be bold in the search for delicious food.  I see no reason to venture too far from that formula.

    Finally, a sincere thank you to those of you who keep Epic Portions on their internet radar.  Aside from being called a few nasty names (probably some of it deservedly so), my interactions with you have been a lot of fun.  I like debate and disagreement.  Call me out if I’m an idiot, I need that sometimes.

    In my re-reading of my previous writings, I noticed that I certainly wrote quite a few beer reviews.  On that note, and in anticipation of the awesomeness that is the upcoming Michigan Summer Beer Festival right here in my hometown, I’ll have a new review up on Monday.  Until then I invite you to “like” us on facebook where I will re-post a few of my old reviews.

  • Make Your Own Taco Bell Meat Filler!!!!

    I would first like to state that I have no knowledge of what Taco Bell uses as meat filler.  My best guess is that they are using the same type of soy-based meat-substitute that I make for my family on “taco night.”  More on that bit of sadness later.  Saving money is the obvious motivation for Taco Bell not to use locally grown, grass fed beef, which I hope the consumer would prefer.  I will leave the actual research on this topic to John, since he deserves his due as a serious, thought-provoking Investigative Journalist.  Kind of the Hunter S. Thompson of the food universe…

    I’m more of a satirist, which is to say I write humor that no one laughs at.  What follows is what passes as taco night at my house, due to my having (voluntarily) married a vegetarian.  Whether this recipe inspires laughter or pity is up to you.  Just remember that quite often it is served with a margarita, which makes anything better.

    Thus begins another new segment on Epic Portions (BTW – we are now up to 1,478 “new segments”) called:  Six Minute Meals:  Jeremy’s Forced Vegetarian Dinners.  Simple, nutritious, affordable, and edible.

    Jeremy’s Super-Delicious Soy Based Vegetarian Meat Filler Tacos

    1.  Buy one bag of Morningstar Farms Grillers fake ground beef.  If something else catches your eye, like Boca, go for it.  It’s soy.  Your palate is already crying at this point…

    2.  Buy a packet of Old El Paso Hot n Spicy Taco Seasoning.

    3.  Purchase a yellow pepper, an orange pepper, and two jalapenos. Julienne the onion and peppers (in other words cut into long strips that would fit nicely on a taco) then sauté the peppers, onions, and jalapenos (save a dash of the Old El Paso Seasoning for the veggies)—stir in seasoning as veggies begin to soften.  One other note: Do not, under any circumstances, remove the seeds or membrane from the jalapenos.  If you are going to eat soy based meat filler, ADD HEAT—you will need make your food exciting.

    4.  In a separate pan (use non-stick or you will have regrets), dump the contents of the Bag o’ Meat Filler into the pan with an already hot tablespoon of vegetable oil.  Stir off and on until Soy Based Meat Substitute has begun to soften, about 3 minutes.  When it does, add half the packet of seasoning and stir.  In another minute, add the rest of the seasoning packet (save the portion you mixed in with your vegetables). Stir and let cook another minute or two, and take comfort in the fact that you don’t need to use a meat thermometer.  Remove seasoned soy from pan.  Be sure to save the rendered soy-ey goodness on the bottom of the pan.  Deglaze with a bottle of Boone’s Farm and serve to someone you do not like.

    5.  You will also need: Tortillas, vegetarian refried beans, shredded cheese of your preference, lettuce, salsa of your choice, and any other taco fixins that make you happy. 

    6.  Assemble tacos.  Eat.  Be a little surprised that they are pretty good.  Not great, but good.  And it is healthy.  There is always that.

    For what it is worth my seven year old son loves taco night.  I even call it fake ground beef when I buy it and am cooking it.  Which means if you are in my house on taco night, you will hear me say “I’m going to make the fake ground beef now.”  Doesn’t bother him a bit.  Me, on the other hand…

    So give fake soy substitute meat filler a chance, if you want.  At least you won’t have to face the fear of every father who cooks for his family: making your entire family ill with food poisoning.  Just remember to wash your hands.