Epic Portions

Tag: guy fieri

  • Guy Fieri Knife Set

    It’s been awhile since we last made fun of Guy Fieri.  That has been fine with me, I know his barely coherent tweets make for perfect examples of Guy’s legendary douchebaggery, but overall he is too easy of a target.  So we’ve eased up on the Guy bashing, and judging by the e-mail I’ve received, many of you are not happy about it.  Well, wait no longer my friends.  Besides, did you think I would have six posts in seven nights without one about Guy?

    I was leafing through my cat’s copy of Food Network Magazine the other day (yes, my cat really does have a subscription to FN Magazine, it’s a long story) and what did I stumble upon but an advertisement for Guy Fieri’s Knuckle Sandwich Series Knives.  I kid you not, gentle reader, that is what they are called.  Sometimes truth is douchier than fiction.  Isn’t a knuckle sandwich a euphemism for a punch to the mouth?  How is that related to a knife in any way?  Oh right, it’s really lame.  Fits Guy to a “T.”

    Who wouldn't want to buy a knife from this clown?

    Knife sets rely almost exclusively on slick marketing.  If you purchase a high quality knife set (or like me receive one as a wedding gift) and treat them with loving care they will last a very long time.  So the only way to get someone with a perfectly good knife set to buy a new one is to market it in a way that makes it irresistible.  And judging from the gullibility of the Guy Fieri Mafia, I’m sure they are selling like spikey-haired hot cakes.

    The knife set, excuse me, the Knuckle Sandwich Series Knife set, consists of four rockin’ blades.  The “Big Stick” is an all-purpose chef’s knife.  Former President Theodore Roosevelt coined the phrase, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.”  Which means that if you have massive military power, or a badass knife, you should STFU about it and not make a big spectacle of yourself.  Which pretty much should exclude Guy Fieri from being associated with it.

    The Big Stick and the Dragon Dagger. I feel 23 % douchier just typing those words.

    There is also a serrated knife, called the “Dragon Dagger,” which is ironically the name of the serrated knife Beowulf used to slay the dragon before suffering his own mortal wound in the eponymous epic poem (we know about all things epic here at EP).  Also, isn’t a dagger for stabbing?  Anyone need to stab a loaf of bread with a dagger?  Imagine if Guy had left one of his knives at Juliet’s side,  Shakespeare would never be the same. “O Happy Dragon Dagger,” cried Juliet, “I shall use your serrated blade to exeunt from this mortal coil.  But first I willst slice this tomato.”

    The other knives include the “Lil’ Guy,” which thankfully is not the name of Guy’s penis but a paring knife.  And that is all I have to say about that.

    Finally, there is the “Chopper.”  I guess whoever was in charge of coming up with edgy, Guy Fieri-esque names decided to leave early that day.  One must assume this knife is for chopping things.

    We’ll be on the lookout for the next Guy Fieri endorsed products to emerge.  Hair gel, sunglasses, home pregnancy tests (if it says money, you are pregnant!), and the one I’m most looking forward to, the Guy Fieri brand sensory deprivation tank.  Enter the tank and be guaranteed of freedom from all things Guy, if only for a little while.

  • Free Agency

    As you may or may not know, depending on whether you keep up with the inside dealings of elite food-related websites, my contract with Epic Portions expires at the end of the month.  I will officially be a free agent in a couple of weeks.  

    I love EP, I grew up as a food writer here.  This is where my posse lives.  All my local charities are funneled through EP.  To leave my “hometown” web site would be a very difficult thing. 

    But having said that, I still feel as if I need to explore all options.  Who is to say that my chances of winning a food writing championship won’t be enhanced by taking my talents elsewhere?  I appreciate being flown to several different cities and shown around their respective offices.  Promises of a new Mac, a corner office, greater artistic freedom, or the chance to write with other all-stars can be intriguing to say the least.  If I were to leave, I would hope that we could work out a “sign and trade” deal that would bring a couple of prospects to EP to help with the rebuilding process.

    Fortunately, I’m done with all the wining and dining, and am ready to make my decision.  And to the California website who took me to Guy Fieri’s restaurant, what the hell were you thinking?  Have you even read my stuff?  Sadly, talks fell through for a prime time special on Travel Channel, and I refuse to slum it on Food Network.  So, I’ll make my announcement right here on EP.  Tune in Wednesday night at ten to see if I’ll be staying or plying my wares at another locale.

  • Around the World with Pepsi

    After re-reading John’s thought provoking expose on Pringles from around the world, I decided to expand the search of quirky products in foreign markets to soda, and specifically Pepsi.

    Japan – Pepsi Ice Cucumber 

     
     

    Cucumber Soda. Why didn't I think of that?

    Finally, the refreshing burst of cucumber flavor in a soda! Pepsi plus pickle juice, how can that be bad? At first I thought Pepsi Ice was like regular Pepsi, but with a higher alcohol content. Might almost make drinking cucumber soda palatable. Sorry to break the bad news, but this was a one shot deal available only in summer of 2007. Ebay, anyone?

    Russia – Pepsi Ice Cream

     
    Pepsi Ice Cream and some kind of Doritos.

    You would think our Russian friends would get to have a Pepsi product that mixed well with Stolichnaya.  Think again…Pepsi Ice Cream, which sounds like bottled Pepsi Float is actually just cream soda, but with a different marketing hook.  Makes you wonder why they never tried it here?

    Japan – Pepsi Shiso

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Soda

    Shiso is from the mint family, and has a flavor somewhat similar to basil. Basil flavored soda actually sounds intriguing, but a glance at the bottle makes it look like something bottled from the stream outside the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Why not serve up raw Blinky wrapped in seaweed to go with it?

    Mmmmmmm…radioactive fish.

    Europe – Pepsi Boom

    Pepsi made a boom-boom.

    Pepsi Boom makes you think they went all Guy Fieri on their beverage, right? Well, if going Guy Fieri means creating a product bereft of any value, than I suppose so. Pepsi Boom is Pepsi with no caffeine, no sugar, and no artificial sweetener. Than what the hell is it? Carmel color and water? I’d rather listen to Rammstein than drink Pepsi Boom.