Epic Portions

Tag: mexican

  • Dear Tios, You Suck

    Tios’ latest attempt to lure Ypsilanti and Ann Arbor residents into eating their terrible food is an eating competition involving 5 pounds of nachos, called Mount Nacheesmo.  I would normally be pretty pumped about an eating competition in my hometown of Ypsilanti, but I am on a strict boycott of anything involving Tios Mexican Cafe.

    In true Tios fashion, the nachos closely resemble something you could easily make at home.  Check out that guacamole.  Look familiar?  Maybe a certain guacamole served by Taco Bell?  Or something that fixes leaks in your plumbing?  Sick.  This looks like 4.5 pounds of tortilla chips with nacho topping garnishes.  I think I’ll keep my $29.99 and Tios can keep their t-shirts.  Boo Tios.  Boo.

    nacheesmo

  • Taco Bell – Fully Loaded Nachos

    After losing several pounds(and promptly bragging about it), l decided I would completely leap off of the wagon and grab some of Taco Bell’s new Fully Loaded Nachos.  The Nachos Bel Grande is one of my all time favorites, so how bad could it be?   My answer to you is pretty bad.  I was actually pretty pissed that this turned out to be my splurge meal.  I’m pretty sure Taco Bell reads this blog, so this is dedicated to you, Taco Bell employee reader of Epic Portions.  Unless you work in the mail room or something.  If that’s the case, keep up the good work, Kevin James.

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    Upon my first gaze of these “fully loaded” nachos, I realized they were not fully loaded at all.  They were actually just a bunch of crap piled into a tortilla bowl that is usually used for their taco salads.  I began to wonder exactly what made these fully loaded and any different from the Nachos Bel Grande.  Chips?  Check.  Beef?  Check.  Beans?  Check.   Cheese?  Check.  Sour Cream?  Check.  I was only able to find two things that were different.

    The first are the red tortilla strips, which I can’t seem to understand.  I can deal with them in my burritos because they add a bit of crunch.  Who came up with the concept of putting smaller tortilla strips on top of regular sized tortilla chips, on top of a giant tortilla bowl?  That’s a bit too much tortilla for me.  Less tortilla please.  Keep in mind that I’m saying tortilla over and over to prove a point.  They could have at least made the tortilla black or something.  Switch it up people.  I’m getting bored here.

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    The second difference is the guacamole, which tastes terrible.  Good, fresh guacamole is one of my favorite things in the world.  Shitty, processed guacamole is one of my least favorites.  I know what most of you are thinking.  “Hey asshole, you’re at Taco Bell.  What do you expect?”  What I expect is shitty quality food that has so many spices and chemicals poured into it that somehow it tastes good.  They somehow make grade-D meat taste good, so how did they screw up the guacamole?  Get on that Tbell.  That stuff looks like it comes in a tube and seals pipes.  Sick.

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    I ended up doing what I always do when I’m not satisfied with a Taco Bell menu item: smother it in fire and hot sauce.  Have you ever noticed that no other hot sauce tastes better on Taco Bell food than their own sauce?  The stuff tastes like shit on other food, but I swear they did something to make it only taste good on their food.  Oh, and I had to eat the entire thing with a spork so it ended up being like a bowl of Taco Bell cereal of something.  When I was done, I just threw the bowl away.  Damn, was I unsatisfied.

    In tribute to one of my favorite food blogs, WouldIBuyitAgain?, I would like to completely rip off their concept and  end this review with the following…

    No.  I would not buy this again.

  • Taco Bell Shrimp Tacos?

    Let me start by saying that I love Taco Bell.  There’s just something about it.  In my eyes, it is by far the superior choice for fast food.  A grilled stuffed burrito with extra baja sauce and a chicken quesadilla was my go to breakfast/lunch/dinner for years.  In high school and the early years of college, there was nothing better than 2 A.M. trips to Taco Bell.  They even flew me to their test kitchen to educate me about their company and menu.

    Taco Bell does a great job at mixing up their menu.  The classics will always be there, like the Mexican pizza, but there’s usually a new “test” item that sometimes makes the menu if the people buy enough of it.  This strategy has brought us such deliciousness at the Volcano menu and the Crunchwrap.  Great success.  The only thing about this is usually it’s just multiple items using some new sauce or similar concepts.  It can get redundant.

    Upon browsing my favorite food blogs this morning, I noticed that WIBIA broke a world exclusive.  Taco Bell is now offering shrimp tacos for $2.49.  These tacos contain 6 marinated shrimp, lettuce, pico and a ranch based sauce.  Observe:

    Picture was thieved away from WIBIA
    Picture was thieved away from WIBIA

    Seriously, Taco Bell?  Shrimp?  You can’t just take two delicious things and combine them.  It doesn’t work that way.  Mashed potatoes and peanut butter do not go together.  Neither do cookies and gravy.  Then again, for some reason I want to try both of those combinations.  Back to business, this is a terrible idea.  I have no desire to ever try this.  Taco Bell and seafood just don’t mix.  Remember those stories of Taco Bell using grade D meet, which has lower standards than animal food?  I’ve been able to put that behind me.  Seafood?  Just can’t do it.

    This is by far the worst idea Taco Bell has EVER had.  I am unable to find any information regarding this new menu item, but it appears to only be a regional thing.  Kudos to WIBIA for the find.