Epic Portions

Tag: rant

  • My Quest for Revenge

    I’m back.  Unfortunately, I am a bit grumpy.  I got about 47 minutes of sleep last night, and I’m pretty much running on fumes at the moment but nothing could take me away from writing what I’m about to write.  This post is pure passion.  There is nothing fake, embellished, or exaggerated about what you are about to read.

    I hope whoever wrote Subway’s “$5 Dollar Foot-Long” jingle dies.  I really do.  I wouldn’t feel bad at all if I read in the paper tomorrow that he tragically passed away without being able to satisfy any of his life goals.  In fact, here are some of the ways I wish he could go:

    • Chinese water torture
    • Malaria
    • “Total Recall” Mars death
    • Samuel L. Jackson “Deep Blue Sea” shark death
    • Guillotine
    • Catapult into a brick wall
    • MMA regulated match with Anderson Silva

    So I decided to set out on a journey to find whoever was responsible for making me miserable several times a week.  I needed to be able to direct my hatred at a face.  I needed to be able to picture the person responsible for the song every time I heard it and be able to say “I’m going to get that gray haired, green eyed, big nosed son of a bitch one of these days”.  I hoped for the best.  May God be with me.

    The Journey

    The beginning of my journey was a hard one.  How exactly does one track down The Prince of Pandemonium? I began on Google.   I’m not sure how to find anything anywhere else and I’m sure as hell not going to find anything at the library, so this was an obvious starting point.  I came across an article entitled Q&A: Subway’s $5 Foot-long Jingle Creator.  Had I found it this easily?  Was I one click away from completing my mission?

    The Click

    The page begun with a definition of “Jingle”.   A “good” jingle is maddeningly inescapable, and therein lies the paradox.  I believe the key word in that definition must be maddening, as in the $5 dollar foot-long jingle is MADDENING.  I read on….  And then I saw it….

    His name is Jimmy Harned.

    Mefistofeles himself works for Tonefarmer, an NYC-based music and sound design firm whose clients include everyone from ESPN to Geico (and of course Subway).

    I kept reading and found this doozy of a quote:

    “We didn’t want any blabbing.  It was just, let’s see how many times we can say ‘five dollar foot-long.’  Let’s mention it as many times as possible without making someone hurt us. We wanted to make sure no one would miss the message.”

    I can honestly say that while he has created one of the most memorable jingles of all time, he has failed miserably.  Sure, he has most likely made hundreds of thousands of dollars if not a million but I badly want to hurt him.  I want terrible things to happen to him.  I want him to feel similar pain that he has inflicted upon me.  The next quote made me want to injure him even worse:

    “Five dollar foot-long took about 4 hours to write, sing, play, and mix. I sang the lead and played all the instruments, and the other Farmers sang the backing parts.”

    That’s right, Jimmy “Damien Lucifer” Harned wrote, sang, played, mixed, whatever.. he was 100% responsible for the jingle.  He can’t even deflect blame on anyone else.  He can’t claim that his version was far less annoying but one George Hastings made it into what it is today.

    And if you don’t already want revenge on this guy, just listen to the following quote where he breaks down the structure of the jingle.  If this don’t enrage you, I feel as though you have anger issues.  Not me.

    “The chord structure does imply something dark,” he agreed, getting out his guitar to demonstrate over the phone. “On the word long, [the guitar part] goes down from a C to an A-flat,” he said, strumming, “which is kind of a weird place. It’s definitely not a poppy, happy place. It’s more of a metaly place. But at the same time, the singing stays almost saccharine.” (The vocals shift to form an F minor over the guitar’s A-flat.)

    That’s right.  The Subway jingle song is in a more “metaly” place.  That’s the first time I’ve ever heard the word “metaly” used before and I’m so glad it was one Jimmy “Beelzebub” Harned that used it.

    We now have  a name, a company, a place of residence, and even more motivation.  Revenge is going to be so sweet.

    The Face

    Things were going so well.  Would I be able to find The Author of Evil’s picture?  I started at Google Images, because where the hell else would you find anything like that?  Thank god for technology.

    All of a sudden, there he was.  The Angel of the Bottomless Pit.  Old Gooseberry.  The Tempter.  The Wicked One..

    subwaydevil

    My work here is done.  The Hooven Cloof has been exposed.

    Please keep in mind that I do not want to kill one Jimmy Harned nor would I ever consider it.  If you take this seriously, I apologize.  But seriously.. get a sense of humor.

    Oh, and don’t sue me.

  • Tio’s: A Rant

    I was driving on Washtenaw in Ypsilanti, and I noticed a small sign on the front of Tio’s Mexican Cafe. The sign read “Best Mexican Food in Ann Arbor”. This was a hard thing for me to digest because.. Well.. Tio’s sucks. The food is terrible. It is quite possibly the least authentic, overpriced, pile of shit “Mexican” restaurant I have ever been to.  I found myself trying to think of local Mexican restaurant that wasn’t quite as good as Tio’s.  Couldn’t do it.

    If somehow you work at Tio’s and you find yourself reading this and disagree with me, I would be more than happy to come in and eat any food you recommend.  Prove me wrong.  Until then, here’s exactly why your restaurant sucks.

    Tios’ recipes are their own interpretation rather than an attempt to mimic either the American Southwest style of Mexican cooking or traditional Mexican cooking. The problem with this is that their interpretation is like a bad, overpriced version of Taco Bell without the drive through. Tio’s tries to serve you the least quality food possible, which is basically a bunch of beans dressed up in different ways, then tries to squeeze a buck out of you any possible way they can. Tio’s prices are already high, but when you get your bill at the end of your dinner, you may be shocked to find the following additions charged to you:

    • Sour Cream – $.99
    • Beans & Rice – $2.99
    • Beans without the rice – $1.69-$2.99
    • Corn Chips.   Without salsa.  That’s extra of course – $.99
    • Guacamole – $1.49

    Yes, this is correct.  Unlike any other normal Mexican restaurant you do not get chips and salsa for free, beans & rice do not come with your meal and any thing extra you want to add to your meal is going to cost you at least a dollar.  If you were to order the wet burrito with a side of rice and beans with salsa and sour cream, it would end up costing you $12.46 before tax.  This is for a shitty tortilla stuffed with bad meat, way too many beans, and way too many vegetables with a heaping amount of bland red sauce and yellow cheese(more on this later).  Also, A fifty-cent charge is added to your bill for two extra flour tortillas when you inevitably come up short in the tortilla-to-fajita ingredient ratio.  Wouldn’t this be like charging for a couple of extra packs of Saltines for your chicken noodle soup at Denny’s?

    Next, Tio’s does not serve beer or even margaritas.  When was the last time you visited an establishment that served Mexican food that didn’t serve at least a basic margarita?   You would think a restaurant that serves food this bad would at least try to liquor their customers up before serving it to them.  Also, you would think a place that tries so hard to squeeze as much money as possible out of people would attempt to serve alcohol, which is quite possibly the most overpriced item on your average menu.

    I already called the food shit, but I will emphasize this again with its own paragraph.  The food is shit.  I’ve honestly had better Mexican food at hospital cafeterias  The cheese is yellow, which if you read my blog regularly, you know is a complete sin for any Mexican restaurant.   The shredded chicken resembles cat food and might quite possibly taste even worse.  The Nachos are about 80% refried beans, 10% onions with a smell that strangely resembles body odor, and 10% random vegetables and a few pieces of meat.  The “world famous” wet burrito?  I’m sure the citizens of countries across the world are putting in overtime so they may afford a flight to visit Tio’s Mexican Cafe for their incredible wet burritos.  Also, while you might expect a Mexican restaurant to serve some sort of Mexican dessert, Tio’s decides to strategically go the opposite way, give the middle finger to the entire state of Mexico and serve the most random pre-made desserts that they could get their hands on.  After your fajitas, treat yourself to a “Ultimate Fried Chocolate Brownie Hot Fudge, Caramel Sundae”.  If your stomach wasn’t hurting already from the poor quality food, this will surely do the trick.  If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, maybe the New York Cheesecake will do.  Because when I think Mexican food, I think New York Cheesecake.

    Oh, and you know you’re in a terrible Mexican restaurant when the entire perimeter of the parking lot and every square inch of the building’s exterior are decorated in American flags and other assorted red, white and blue decorations.  You sure do get your fill of American patriotism when you visit Tio’s Mexican Cafe.  I almost feel like saying the pledge of allegiance before eating my Huevos Rancheros.

    In summary, If you would like to replicate the dining experience at Tio’s, do the following:

    1. Remove one Ortega tortilla from its box.
    2. Open a can of refried beans.
    3. Find yourself some regular old shredded cheddar.
    4. Combine, heat, and serve.
    5. Throw $10.99 in the trash.  Unless you want any additional condiments or sides.  That will be extra.

    Tio's on Urbanspoon

  • Starbucks.

    Starbucks in China

    As a non-coffee drinker, it is hard for me to understand the gigantic appeal that Starbucks has created.  Starbucks is an international phenomenon with nearly 11,000 stores and 6.4 billion dollars in Revenue last year. The company can move swiftly and forcefully into new products as it did when it bought Tazo Tea in 1999.  The power of market domination allows them to simply buy out their competition when they wish as they did with Torrefazione and Seattle’s Best in 2003.  They can dominate green coffee bean markets with their substantial buying power and leverage.

    My dislike for Starbucks has nothing to do with being a corporation. I love corporations. They have worked hard before they were corporations to get where they were. Some hippies will get all up in your face and say that Starbucks is bad for the “mom and pop” coffee shops. That’s a silly argument because Starbucks at one point was one of those coffee shops that just happen to find success.

    Starbucks make me feel ill with their carefully chosen subtle, but not too bland, color scheme.  Even the background music has been Starbucked, with watered down instrumental versions of Jimi Hendrix, for example.   The quirky living room sofas and tables, which are not so quirky when you realize they are identical to the other thousands of stores.  Starbucks is simply a McDonalds for the new media generation. Starbucks wants a consistent cup of coffee, just like McDonalds wants the Big Mac to taste the same wherever you go, so they over-roast it to remove any minor flavor variations in the beans.

    Starbucks in India

    “Will that be a Tall, Grande or a Venti?”

    Starbucks’ menu language is just stupid – especially for espresso drinks. All I have to say is “tall” is small. The barista or cashier will not speak to you in normal cafe speak either… If you order a double cappuccino, you get the most dreaded question of all – “Will that be a Tall, Grande or a Venti?”

    “Line up, suckers.”

    If the long lines out the door were for being so great and so popular that would be fine. But, the sad fact is that they purposefully designed the shop layout to encourage snaking lines creating a sense of excitement and encourage the sheep mentality in consumers. For people who pay attention to this stuff it shows a lack of respect to the customer.

    Starbucks employees have the nerve to stick a tip jar on the counter, and even at the drive thru. Your one job is to mix stuff in coffee and give it to me, and then of course maintain a store.  Millions of people work in mundane jobs like this everyday and Starbucks’ employees, for some reason, complain about it more than I’ve ever seen. I’m convinced that Wendy’s employees work harder. I read a blog from a Starbucks employee who says that we should tip him because…

    “we also do customers favors quite often (not charging for refills, not kicking you out when we are supposed to, letting people bring their pets in, etc).

    Tipping makes us love you, and when we love you we make better drinks for you, give them to you faster, etc.”

    Starbucks in Africa

    Take a look around next time you go to a Starbucks.  Guaranteed one the following people is there…

    First you may see the writer who wants you do know he’s a writer.  Yes, we all know that writing is a fascinating occupation, but unfortunately, unlike hookers and crack dealers, you cannot simply point them out by looking at them.  However, when a person has to tell you that he’s a writer (intentionally), then writing suddenly becomes less impressive.  Those kind of people usually go to the busiest Starbucks in town and pop open their Macs, making sure that the shining Apple logo is on display for everyone to see. Then they pretend to write, sigh, and brainstorm their thoughts.

    You also may possibly see the guy who hates Starbucks but goes there anyway. The world is packed with shitheads and nobody can deny that, but there are those who realize they are complete shitheads, and yet, brag about it. I’m taking about that certain someone who won’t shut up about how crappy Starbucks is, and forget the fact he is ranting while waiting in line inside Starbucks.

    More thank likely you will see at least one study group.  Why go to a proper school library that is filled with textbooks, resources, and free computers when you have the most crowded Starbucks in the area?  It definitely makes more sense to go to a place where noise is a popular demanding song, has tables that barely support an encyclopedia, and a crowd that’s yelling for a proper frappuccino.  It’s like Turkish prison, except with worse

    Guarantee you’ll see the person who peruses the DVD/music section as if he might purchase something. It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase Akeelah and the DVD, which I am positively sure that no one ever bought. Yes, we know that you want to shed the stereotypes that white people don’t watch Black movies, but if that particular Black movie sucks, then we understand the reason that you didn’t see it in theaters.