Epic Portions

Tag: Sandra Lee

  • Trader Joe’s, I Love You.

    Too often in this world we don’t get a chance to tell those we care about how we feel until it is too late.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen to me!  Trader Joe’s, you are awesome and I love you.  From your delicious trail mixes, specialty beer, three buck Chuck, pre-cooked chicken sausage (amazing), sauces and desserts, to the way you rip off my iPod every time I shop there. The last two times I went there TJ’s was piping in Radiohead and Bob Marley.  When was the last time you heard Radiohead at a grocery store?

    TJ's never leaves me High and Dry.

    As for delicious food, I would specifically like to speak about several different TJ’s specialties that have won my heart.  For an appetizer, start with Trader Joe’s Horseradish Hummus and Trader Joe’s Pita Chips.  Combine these two and life is grand.  I had never found a horseradish hummus before I first spotted it at TJ’s and have seen it nowhere else since.  Too bad?  Not really, because no one could do it as well as TJ anyway.

    Trader Joe's Horseradish Hummus

    What better way to wash down horseradish hummus than beer?  TJ’s has a wonderful beer selection, but I usually get Trader Joe’s Bavarian Hefeweizen. 

    TJ's Hefeweizen

    Delicious and refreshing, I have yet to wear this out and move on to another of TJ’s beer offerings, but no doubt I eventually will.  And that one will be great as well. 

    Finally, I have to say a word about the greatest sandwich cookie known to man or beast.  The Joe-Joe.  Joe-Joe’s would be best described as similar to an Oreo, but some of the greatest minds in cookie engineering have made a better cookie. 

    Joe-Joe's. Eat and squawk loudly.

    The tops of the cookies easily peel away if, like my son, you enjoy removing the top of the cookie and eating the crème filling.  Oreo has not mastered this trick and it is still possible to break your Oreo (especially if you are six) when you try to unscrew the lid.  Unforgivable.  Joe-Joe’s also have about as much crème as a Double Stuff Oreo, so they are more robust on top of their superior engineering.  TJ’s offers them in three flavors:  vanilla cookie with vanilla crème filling, chocolate cookie with vanilla crème filling, and my favorite, chocolate cookie with chocolate crème filling.  They used to offer a chocolate cookie with a peanut butter filling that was incredible but it has been discontinued.  I never received a satisfactory answer as to why they did this, but years ago I sent a dead fish wrapped in newspaper to TJ’s Corporate HQ and feel better about the whole thing now.  Ain’t no time to hate.  Amazing how the sending of a dead fish washes away the anger…

    I plan to have a segment in the future called “Jeremy and Trader Joe’s Semi-Homemade is better than Sandra Lee’s.”  In that feature I will show how you can make a healthy and delicious dinner for a family in 20 minutes (suck on it Rachael Ray) using products purchased at TJ’s (except for shallots, which I use a lot and TJ’s does not carry.)  I often say that we here at Epic Portions have the most intelligent readership on the web, and most of you have brains and know how to combine pre-made ingredients.  I don’t think I’m some kind of genius, but since cooking duties are mine every night I appreciate a simple, healthy meal that tastes good, the kids like, and saves me a little time and effort.  Contrary to popular belief, making dinner every night with a six year old and a one year old roaming loose in the house is not the easiest thing in the world.  If my time savers can help anyone with similar duties and keep them from watching Sandra Lee than I have done something positive.  And I promise, no tablescape bullshit.

    So there it is, TJ’s.  It doesn’t matter if you feel the same about me, or that your cashier made my daughter cry, I still love you.  Maybe next time I’m there you can dim the lights and play some Barry White.  I can’t get enough of your horseradish hummus, babe.

  • Food Network Goes Hollywood!!

    It was bound to happen. After having a taste of the pate de canard en croute that is celebrity, the cocksure cuisinier at the Food Network have decided it is time for a mass leap onto the silver screen. With the help of our intricate network of spies, Epic Portions has been able to get a glimpse of the plot outlines in the works for these dinner time divas. It is our pleasure to share them with you, our loyal readers. Does Oscar beckon our culinary heroes, or will they crash harder than Emeril on NBC? Time will tell, but you may judge the potential of these films for yourself.

    Man on Fieri

    We’re rollin’ out to Mexico!  While eating lunch during a vacation, Guy jumps behind the counter and heads to the kitchen to tell the cook that his tamale was money. Unfortunately, several members of the Mexican Mafia at the restaurant overhear him yelling “Dinero! Dinero!” at the cook and decide to kidnap the crazy looking and eccentric gringo. Upon hearing of Guy’s kidnapping, fellow Food Network Star winner Aaron McCargo goes beserk and destroys half of Mexico rescuing Guy and bringing him back to safety. Directed by Michael Bay.

    Requiem for a Deen

    A venture into the dramatic for Paula Deen, Requiem for a Deen tells the story of a woman so riddled with an addiction to butter that she is forced to engage in unspeakable acts just to feed her habit. During the climactic downward spiral into delusion and depravity, Paula holds a charity bake sale using margarine because she freebased the 10 sticks of butter she was supposed to use to make her pecan chewies.

    Evil Bread: Bread by Dawn

    Chef Robert Irvine is faced with his greatest challenge ever. Only able to use the contents of a dumpster behind a Subway and two EZ-Bake Ovens, Chef Robert is supposed to bake enough bread for the Michigan State football team’s annual banquet. Realizing he will need supernatural help to complete his task, he resorts to reading from the “Cookbook of the Dead,” causing the release of evil spirits, not the least of which is a severed hand that attacks him during a thrilling scene where Chef Robert slays his possessed sous chef with a cheese grater. To deal with the severed hand, Chef Robert launches into a verbal tirade so viscous, so devastating, that the hand gives up and gets put to work kneading the dough, helping Chef Robert complete his task by dawn.

    Super Molto Mario

    Help! Princess Giada has been kidnapped by the evil Bobby Flay! Watch as Mario Batali powers up on porcini mushrooms and battles Bobby’s evil minions, played by Seth Rogan and Bill Heder. After Mario defeats them and several other monsters, an uncredited Anthony Bourdain shows up with some “special” mushrooms to help Mario. Tony’s special shrooms give Mario the wisdom to give up and let Bobby keep Giada, where he forces her to become a kitchen test cook for Throwdown.

    Ray

    Ray is an inspiring biopic starring the effervescent and effusive Rachael Ray. It tells the amazing story of how one person overcame the debilitating handicap of being extremely annoying to forge a multi-million dollar media empire.

    Cocktail II: Cougar Patrol

    Yes, its Cocktail time as Sandra Lee stars in the only authorized sequel of the bunch. After microwaving a bunch of stuff and calling it a cooking show, Food Network execs give Sandra the pink slip, leaving her unemployed. She decides to leave the hectic food scene of NYC to head for the Bahamas to work as a bartender. There she finds romantic fun and sun, headlined by torrid affairs with a vacationing college student played by Twilight star Robert Pattinson, and a local medical intern played by Shia LeBeouf. Will Sandra decide to stay with the younger, fun-loving Robert, the brilliant (but passionate!) Shia, or embrace romance with the easy-going humor of the bar owner played by Matthew McConaughey?

    Ina Garten Cop

    Tired of being forced to have the most boring show on Food Network, Ina Garten makes a career change, just in time to stop a terrorist (portrayed by the guy who played Samir in Office Space) hell-bent on destroying her neighbor P. Diddy’s mansion.  Along with her partner, a normally undercover vice cop played by James Franco, Ina has to stop the plot and make lobster ravioli for Jeffrey before the terrorist blows up Diddy’s mansion, setting off a destructive “doomsday device” that will trigger the end of the world.

    Tyler Perry’s I Can Do BBQ All By Myself

    Watch out Gina! When sassy Sunny Anderson moves in next door, Gina’s long lost Grandmother Madea is afraid she will try to seduce Pat, all while Gina is working overtime to prepare for the big church barbecue. It turns out that Sunny is there to help Gina, as she discovers the church barbecue is a ruse by Bobby Flay to show up and challenge Gina to a barbecue throwdown. As Gina and Sunny prepare to defeat Bobby, the competition never takes place after Madea beats him over the head with a meat tenderizer when he shows up with plum glazed pork ribs for the throwdown.