Epic Portions

Tag: soda

  • Breaking News! Soda Consumption Bad for Five Year Olds!

    Every now and then you read a study from a research university that just seems completely pointless.  One study (source = Newsweek) recently that said people who are not considered attractive have “less chance of getting married.”  Wow!  Did they have a team of brain-dead chimps work on that?

    Now comes another pointless study in that vein from our fellow Big Ten (going on Big 16) brethren Penn State.  Known as the home of meteorologists, Beaver Stadium, and a football coach who fought at Gettysburg, Penn State set their formidable research talents on soda consumption among children.

    It turns out (shockingly!) that girls who consume soda at age five are not as well nourished as girls who do not.  Seriously.  Not only did they engage in the most useless study ever, they tracked these girls for TEN YEARS!  You know, just in case soda consumption turned out to be a positive dietary aspect.  One of the more shocking revelations from this study is that the soda drinkers had an increased sugar intake.  Thank goodness for higher education.

    Don’t take this as Penn State bashing, I’ve been to State College and from what I remember I had an outstanding time.  The campus is beautiful and I love the old school football uniforms.  But please, devote your research time and money to something a little less obvious next time.  Why don’t they next study what it is about Guy Fieri that people like and find a way to remove that gene.  For the sake of all humanity.

  • Around the World with Pepsi

    After re-reading John’s thought provoking expose on Pringles from around the world, I decided to expand the search of quirky products in foreign markets to soda, and specifically Pepsi.

    Japan – Pepsi Ice Cucumber 

     
     

    Cucumber Soda. Why didn't I think of that?

    Finally, the refreshing burst of cucumber flavor in a soda! Pepsi plus pickle juice, how can that be bad? At first I thought Pepsi Ice was like regular Pepsi, but with a higher alcohol content. Might almost make drinking cucumber soda palatable. Sorry to break the bad news, but this was a one shot deal available only in summer of 2007. Ebay, anyone?

    Russia – Pepsi Ice Cream

     
    Pepsi Ice Cream and some kind of Doritos.

    You would think our Russian friends would get to have a Pepsi product that mixed well with Stolichnaya.  Think again…Pepsi Ice Cream, which sounds like bottled Pepsi Float is actually just cream soda, but with a different marketing hook.  Makes you wonder why they never tried it here?

    Japan – Pepsi Shiso

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Soda

    Shiso is from the mint family, and has a flavor somewhat similar to basil. Basil flavored soda actually sounds intriguing, but a glance at the bottle makes it look like something bottled from the stream outside the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Why not serve up raw Blinky wrapped in seaweed to go with it?

    Mmmmmmm…radioactive fish.

    Europe – Pepsi Boom

    Pepsi made a boom-boom.

    Pepsi Boom makes you think they went all Guy Fieri on their beverage, right? Well, if going Guy Fieri means creating a product bereft of any value, than I suppose so. Pepsi Boom is Pepsi with no caffeine, no sugar, and no artificial sweetener. Than what the hell is it? Carmel color and water? I’d rather listen to Rammstein than drink Pepsi Boom.

  • Bacteria in Fountain Drinks. Shut Up.

    Over the past few days, I keep running into this story about how scientists found bacteria in the some random soda fountains.  Actually, the exact headline is Scientists Say Half of All Soda Fountains Harbor Fecal Bacteria.  I really don’t feel like running you through the entire story, so if you haven’t heard about it yet, you can read over this article then report back to read my thoughts.  I will also supplement my thoughts with George Carlin’s, because well.. He’s the man.

    George: Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections? Salmonella, E-coli, hanta virus, bird flu, and Americans will panic easily so everybody’s running around scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths.

    Let me start by pointing out that if you pretty much swab any surface, and then place that inside an incubator, you will get colonies of bacteria growing.  There is absolutely not way you can avoid bacteria in your daily life.  You can wash your hands all you want and use your antibacterial soap every five minutes, but at the end of the day you’re going to touch at least 100 things that contain a germ or bacteria.  Unless you’re locked in your house with some sort of insane filtration system, you’re going to get a germ or two on you.  I’ve always lived by the notion that bacteria and germs are good for you. They strengthen your immune system and help you fight off the really, really bad bugs. If you try to live in a sterile environment, you’re just going to succumb to every little bug out there.  Fecal cells exist just about everywhere you possibly go. If you touch anything at all, you most likely have them on your hands, which you then stick into your mouth to bite your nails. Obviously, this hasn’t hurt us yet. We’re becoming far too obsessed with germs in this society. We have an immune system for a reason and if you don’t expose it to everyday levels of pathogen, it loses effectiveness, and then you’re really screwed when a real disease comes along.  There’s a reason your stomach is filled with hydrochloric acid at a pH of 1. Don’t give yourself a soda enema and you’ll be OK.

    I encourage you to read about gastric acid, and learn what an amazing thing it is.

    George: In prisons, before they give you lethal injection, they swab your arm with ALCOHOL. Wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell AND be sick.Fear of germs, why these fuckin’ pussies. You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore they cook the shit out of everything now ’cause everyone’s afraid of FOOD POISONING! Hey, wheres you sense of adventure? Take a fuckin’ chance will you? Hey you know how many people die of food poisoning in this country? Nine thousand, thats all, its a minor risk.

    Eat healthy. Live healthy. Get some exercise. Practice moderation with everything, but don’t trick yourself into believing that one common substance in food/beverages is some kind of poison that is bound to kill your eventually. The body in its natural state is much stronger than that. Treat it right within reason and you will be just fine.

    George: Let me tell you a true story about immunization ok. When I was a little boy in New York city in the nineteen-forties, we swam in the Hudson river. And it was filled with raw sewage! OK? We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. And at that time the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one! EVER! You know why? Cause WE SWAM IN RAW SEWAGE! It strengthened our immune system, the polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!

    And if you really think you’re germ free by washing your hands every five minutes, watch Mythbusters.  They successfully proved that half of everything contains fecal matter.  Including your tooth brush.

    George: So, when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, and if they see any, ANY, suspicious looking germs of any kind, THEY DON’T. FUCK. AROUND. They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon. There’s no nonsense! There’s no miranda warning, there’s none of that three strikes and your out bullshit. First defense, BAM! Into the colon you go!

    Thanks George.  We miss you.