Epic Portions

Last August, I wrote this eloquent defense of Anthony Bourdain for his claim that Paula Deen is the most dangerous person in America.  I snickered over it, but in the end I said his comment was a little over the top.  I. Was.  Wrong.

When I got the news that Paula Deen has Type II diabetes, I wasn’t shocked, but also I felt no need to write about it.  It is a personal tragedy for her and I felt no need to be dickish about it.  Yes, the obvious jokes were there, but sometimes you let a softball or two go by.

Then I read this:  Deen is teaming up with Novo Nordisk (aka Big Pharma) to help sell their diabetes drugs.  The rant had come forward after that.  The anger was bubbling up inside me like two sticks of butter in a hot sauté pan.  Fuck you, Paula Deen.  Your butter and grease soaked recipes give you diabetes and the best you come up with is shilling for Novo Nordisk’s once a day anti-diabetes crack?

Shockingly, she doesn’t blame her condition on her diet.  She faults genetics, lifestyle, stress, and age.  She says her “yummy, fattening recipes” are “part of the puzzle.”  If by that she means a puzzle with one piece, then yes, it is indeed part of the puzzle.

My favorite comment of hers is when she claims that she tells people to eat in “moderation” and that she has “always eaten in moderation.”  Are we supposed to be able to keep a straight face while she says this?  Do you remember the show where she says, “Remember to eat my pecan chewies in moderation, y’all!”

So, aside from being full of a lifetime of butter and grease, Paula Deen is also completely full of shit.  Sorry if I’m late to the party on this one…

Let me spell it out for her:

Dear Ms. Deen,

When your “yummy, fattening” recipes give you diabetes you can respond one of two appropriate ways.  1)  Make a public statement, claim that it is a private, personal matter and go about your business.  2)  Realize that you could also be hurting other people, and run to Jamie Oliver screaming for redemption.  Or you can go with option 3) Profit off your illness by being the spokesmoron for diabetes drugs.  Guess which choice gets you a vitriolic rant from Epic Portions?

For her refusal to acknowledge that her recipes are pure, butter-laden evil, and for profiting off her illness while others will get sick, I hereby declare Paula Deen The Most Dangerous Person in America. 

(Unless you are a dog, in which case that dubious distinction goes to Mitt Romney).

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