Epic Portions

Category: Funny

  • Keep that fridge stocked for the ladies, fellas!

    I haven’t giggled this hard in a while.  I don’t know how I haven’t seen this, but I guess this is super old (like 2008!).  Mr. Chi City’s fantastic guide to making women comfortable when they come back to your place.  “Even when they bring they kids!”

    Watch until the end for this gem:

    …oh yeah, one more thing.  To the makers of kool aid, would you niggas stop putting the juice all the way to the top?!  Cause when I twist the motherfucking cap, the shit explodes like a goddamn grenade.   Then I got blue juice all over my white carpet.  Look, I appreciate you trying to give me as much juice for the value, but look – put the juice down here and I won’t miss it.  I mean these motherfuckers are like 5 for a dollar.  Thank you.

    Tears.  Truth. (NSFW/language)

  • FULL English Breakfast. Let the bodies hit the floor…

    …haven’t heard that song in forever, have you?  Neither had I.  However, while rapidly consuming my first FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST this last weekend in the quaint English Countryside, Drowning Pool’s turn-of-the-millennium one hit wonder crept into the outskirts of my mindbrain.  Why you ask?

    Beaten why for (why for)
    Can’t take much more
    Here we go!

    Not enough meat.
    In retrospect: not enough carbs.  Needs less black pudding and more mushrooms and tomatoes.  Never thought I’d say that.

    …
    Let the bodies hit the flooooor;
    Now!;
    Push me again;
    This is the end;

    Three hours later.   Sun shining.  Children playing.  Birds Tweeting.

    …Stomach rumbling.

    One – Something’s got to give;
    Two – Something’s got to give;
    Three – Something’s got to give;
    Now;
    Let the bodies hit the floor!

    Ugh.  Gastrointestinal signals have told me to lay off black pudding for the next year or 6.  I mean, heavens, think of the children!

  • Jolly Pumpkin Oro de Calabaza

    Oh…hi there. Sorry if I startled you. I know it’s been a long time. Quite frankly I’m surprised how often many of you still visit. All of us are flattered. Truly. I’m personally proud of about 68% of what I wrote for this site. That makes me more popular on Rotten Tomatoes than season two of True Detective.jollypumpkinoro

    Anyway, I stopped by to speak to you of a beer, a beer so glorious that its name must be shouted from the rooftops of the now abandoned Epic Portions building. That beer is Oro de Calabaza from Jolly Pumpkin. Oro de Calabaza has been around for a while, but it struck me that I still have a forum to spread a measure of joy in this world. Why not do something for the good of society for once?

    Since I long ago gave up trying to describe the nuances of beer, I’ll let the good people at Jolly Pumpkin do the talking:

    Brewed in the Franco-Belgian tradition of strong golden ales. Spicy and peppery with a gentle hop bouquet and beguiling influence of wild yeast.

    Now, normally I would not let use of the word “beguiling” go unchallenged. But upon reflection, I can think of no other word that better describes the influence of the wild yeast. (I think the wild yeast adds deliciousness.) If it is for sale in your area, consider yourself fortunate. That is all. Good night and good luck.

    P.S. — Oro de Calabaza translates as “Golden Pumpkin.” Due to the awesomeness of this beer, I hereby claim that the act of pouring this beer on your partner during the act of intercourse be called a Golden Pumpkin.