Ultra Low Calorie Beer – Stop.

Beer/Drinks, Rants

As someone who genuinely enjoys beer, it pains me when I hear about these ultra low calorie beers. It seems like every week Budweiser comes out with a new low calorie beer then the following week Miller or some other company comes out with a beer that has two fewer calories.  They always have some slick tag line like “Tastes Great, Never Filling” and make it out to be a huge deal that they are now producing the beer with the fewest amount of calories, even though the only way 10 calories is going to make a different is if you’re taking out 20 beers a night.  I can pretty much guarantee the people drinking 20 beers a night are drinking straight up Budweiser and these drinking sessions only occur on nights where the SPEED channel is re-playing NASCAR’s “Greatest Hits” or “Dale Sr. – A Tribute to the Greatest Human Being the Lord Ever Created”.

I refuse to call any beer with under 100 calories beer.  They may call it low calorie beer, but I consider it to simply be high calorie water.  Seriously, is Bud Select 55 actually beer?  Do you think you could get pulled over while drinking one and explain to the officer that you are drinking a low calorie beer and it shouldn’t warrant an open intoxicant ticket?  Better yet, isn’t it a little stupid that people are paying full price for a beer that has half the ingredients and in return, half the alcohol?  Look at it this way, MGD 64 clocks in at a shameful 3.2% while ZIMA contains 4.8%.  Yes, you can get drunker on ZIMA than you can MGD 64.  After a long stressful day, does it make you feel better or worse to know that your “after work beer” is only working half as hard to help you relax?  If you could cut off a beer’s balls, MGD 64 and Bud Select 55 would be the result.

The real question here, is why are companies producing beer for people who don’t like the taste of beer?  I would assume that if someone doesn’t like the taste of beer or wants to drink while keeping the calories low, they would stick to Diet Coke with Bacardi or a good ol’ gin and tonic.  If someone is simply drinking these because they like the taste of beer and not the belly that goes with it, I have to warn you that drinking 15 Bud Selects does NOT make you health conscious, just an alcoholic.  Oh, so you stick to light beer so you can suck down 300 percent more than if you were drinking regular beer at a fraction of the calories?  Congratulations, you’re now going to die of alcoholism or cirrhosis instead of heart failure.  But at least you’ll look like JWOW in the process.

The people who are regular light beer and ultra low calorie beer customers are probably the same folks who order steak well done, send dishes back because they’re not cooked to their liking, watch the WNBA, and think that NFL quarterbacks need more protection.

I would also like you to know that a pint of Guinness, one of the darkest and best beers in the world, contains 127 calories.