Epic Portions

Category: Rants

  • I Skipped Downton Abbey to Write an Epic Portions Rant

    Well, here it is, Martin Luther King Day Eve.  My children are nestled cozily into their beds,  and I am spending the evening in quiet contemplation of the contribution of a great man — Dr. King.  Also, I’m drinking beer, playing the guitar, and watching the episode of Downton Abbey I recorded earlier this evening.  Or so I thought.

    As I reached into the fridge to grab another Short’s Huma Lupa Licious IPA, a beer as awesome as its name is ridiculous, I happened to glance at a bottle of A-1 Steak Sauce that has been in my refrigerator since the Pre-Cambrian era.  On said bottle is the laziest recipe I have ever seen in my life for a Slow-Cooker Pot Roast. 

    I found the recipe so lazy, so repulsive, so against all that is culinarily good and true, that I had to put Downton Abbey on hold for thirty minutes to rant about this garbage.  The officious Brit bastards can wait…

    Before I begin let me say that I am not opposed to using the slow cooker to make life easy, or taking shortcuts on occasion.  Sometimes, it is a complete pain in the ass to have to cook a dinner for your family every night, and I say that as someone who loves to cook.  But, like in most other parts of life, there are limits to what one will accept as a shortcut.  Let’s look at the recipe:

    A-1’s Lazy-Ass Slow Cooker Pot Roast

    Difficulty:  A quadriplegic chimp could do it.

    Time:  Wasted.

    ½ cup A-1 Steak Sauce (of course, what’s the point of the recipe if you aren’t trying to sell bottles of your product).

    ½ cup water (straight from the tap, especially if you are from West Virginia).

    1 package onion-mushroom soup mix (ask your cardiologist which packet of onion-mushroom soup mix is right for you).

    — That is the one that annoys me the most.  Why not, I don’t know, buy some actual mushrooms?  And garlic.   A cow died so it could be your dinner, show it some fucking respect, A-1.

    Continuing…

    2 ½ lbs. boneless chuck eye roast (proceed to apologize to the Cow-Gods for the crime against Bovinity that you are about to commit).

    1 lb. baby red potatoes (preferably, the pre-packaged kind).

    1 package of baby carrots (they outright say it this time).

    1 onion, diced (I think that means to chop it up a bunch).

    Put all the above ingredients in a slow cooker on low for 8-9 hours.  Seriously.  Cook the shit out of it.  Insult its mother at least twice during the cooking process.

    That’s the recipe.  I shit you not.   And I’m not trying to be a food snob, we can make A-1’s recipe work.   How about red wine and or beef broth for the liquid instead of water?  Throw in a bay leaf or two and you might be on to something.

    That is all.  Farewell again, food blogging.  I’m sorry but I just can’t muster the enthusiasm to write about Quinoa/Sweet Potato bullshit on a regular basis.

  • Papa John’s Pizza Sucks: A Rant

    My food blogging days may be well in my rear view mirror, but my bullshit meter is still on high alert.  Today, while I was perusing Politico, I found this interesting tidbit.  Apparently Papa John’s doesn’t like the fact that their douchebag owner (you know, the clown on all their commercials) is being portrayed as slobbering over Mitt Romney in the election.  Which he was.  I’m not going to get political, that battle has been fought and this is a food website, and food bloggers are for the most part wise enough to leave politics out of the equation.  Someone forgot to tell DB John that it is the prudent businessman who remains publically apolitical.

    This led to some bloggers claiming that DB John said he was going to raise prices on their crappy pies because of the outright tyranny of Obamacare.  While this claim was false, it has been ignored that the real offense commited by Papa John’s pizza is that they suck. 

    You know their stupid tagline, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza”?  It was challenged in court by another pizza company that shall remain nameless (rhymes with Schmizza Schmut) who also serves a sub-par pie.  Seems like there was some doubt as to whether or not Papa John’s was actually using “better ingredients.”  Turns out the green peppers and tomatoes they were using were pretty much the same garden-variety (pun intended) ingredients as everyone else.  Their defense?   They said that “better ingredients” was a claim of personal taste and not intended to be taken literally.  Also known as…bullshit.

    Perhaps rather than cracking down on food blogger folk (and believe me, the best folk on earth are food blogger folk), Papa John should work on making a better pie and putting together a better marketing campaign.  The owner is a tool, and his gargantuan toolness shines through the TV with stunning clarity.  Why would anyone knowingly by a pizza from that clown?

    Now, if you will excuse me I’m going to crawl back into my hole…Peace.

  • Paula Deen is the Most Dangerous Person in America!!!

    Last August, I wrote this eloquent defense of Anthony Bourdain for his claim that Paula Deen is the most dangerous person in America.  I snickered over it, but in the end I said his comment was a little over the top.  I. Was.  Wrong.

    When I got the news that Paula Deen has Type II diabetes, I wasn’t shocked, but also I felt no need to write about it.  It is a personal tragedy for her and I felt no need to be dickish about it.  Yes, the obvious jokes were there, but sometimes you let a softball or two go by.

    Then I read this:  Deen is teaming up with Novo Nordisk (aka Big Pharma) to help sell their diabetes drugs.  The rant had come forward after that.  The anger was bubbling up inside me like two sticks of butter in a hot sauté pan.  Fuck you, Paula Deen.  Your butter and grease soaked recipes give you diabetes and the best you come up with is shilling for Novo Nordisk’s once a day anti-diabetes crack?

    Shockingly, she doesn’t blame her condition on her diet.  She faults genetics, lifestyle, stress, and age.  She says her “yummy, fattening recipes” are “part of the puzzle.”  If by that she means a puzzle with one piece, then yes, it is indeed part of the puzzle.

    My favorite comment of hers is when she claims that she tells people to eat in “moderation” and that she has “always eaten in moderation.”  Are we supposed to be able to keep a straight face while she says this?  Do you remember the show where she says, “Remember to eat my pecan chewies in moderation, y’all!”

    So, aside from being full of a lifetime of butter and grease, Paula Deen is also completely full of shit.  Sorry if I’m late to the party on this one…

    Let me spell it out for her:

    Dear Ms. Deen,

    When your “yummy, fattening” recipes give you diabetes you can respond one of two appropriate ways.  1)  Make a public statement, claim that it is a private, personal matter and go about your business.  2)  Realize that you could also be hurting other people, and run to Jamie Oliver screaming for redemption.  Or you can go with option 3) Profit off your illness by being the spokesmoron for diabetes drugs.  Guess which choice gets you a vitriolic rant from Epic Portions?

    For her refusal to acknowledge that her recipes are pure, butter-laden evil, and for profiting off her illness while others will get sick, I hereby declare Paula Deen The Most Dangerous Person in America. 

    (Unless you are a dog, in which case that dubious distinction goes to Mitt Romney).