Epic Portions

Category: Rants

  • Mommy Marketing, A Rant

    It’s been a while, but I’m ready to rant.  In case you are late to the party, you probably know I’m a stay at home Dad.  I deserve no accolades for taking care of my own children, nor is what I do the most important job in the world.  I wish people would spare me the condescension.  Another thing I can do without is the constant Mommy worship that goes unfettered, while Dads are usually portrayed as buffoonish, bumbling morons.  Just in case you didn’t know, there are some pretty shitty Moms out there.  Whether or not you think Casey Anthony is guilty of murder, there is evidence beyond a reasonable doubt that she was a shitty Mom.

    How does this tie in to food?   I am sick the fuck of the Mom oriented food marketing that passes off as acceptable advertising.  Don Draper would be rolling over is his grave because of this shit.  Choosy Mom’s choose Jif?  Way to piss off half the population, Jif.  Choosy Dads say go fuck yourself and buy something else.  Robitussin is recommended by Dr. Mom?  Tell Dr. Mom she can prescribe me some Xanax and keep her crappy cough syrup to her self.

    But today, while I was shopping at Plum Market, the worst offender was staring me right in the face—a cereal called Mom’s Best.  Mom’s Best is one of these “we save the earth” companies that get all wet and tingly because their executive washroom is powered by officiousness.  I don’t appreciate the name of their company.  Mom’s Best?  It doesn’t even properly apply to cereal…

    I mean, Mom’s Best cornbread?  Sure.  Mom’s Best fried chicken?  Sign me up.  But cereal?  Does anyone have memories of their Mom making cereal?  If anyone reading this has one single memory of their Mom making cereal for the family, please let me know.  My Mom made all kinds of remarkably delicious breakfast treats.  Mom’s Best French toast, Mom’s Best omelets, Mom’s Best crispy bacon on the griddle.   Mmmmmmm, crispy bacon on the griddle…

    So, while Mom’s Best may make a fine cereal, you can be damn sure that this Dad will be leaving it on the shelf.  If I want to feel smug about my cereal purchases, I’ll buy Kashi from now on.

    Of course, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong angle.  Perhaps it is time for a line of Dad’s Best products.  Dad’s Best whiskey.  Dad’s Best potato chips.  My personal favorite would be Dad’s Best Pregenancy Tests.  If the man is smiling, you aren’t pregnant.

  • Rachel Ray’s Late Night Bacon. Genius.

    We, here at Epic Portions, are always looking for great bacon recipes.  Seriously, the more ridiculous the better.  Wrap an oven mitt in bacon.  I’ll probably read about it.  Bacon just adds a level of craziness to any dish that can not be rivaled by any other food.  Today, I am happy to share, I found the craziest, most ridiculous, and fattest bacon recipe I have ever come across.  The sheer letters on my computer screen brought a tear to my eye.  It was like when Columbus stole America from the people who actually found it, only better.

    Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Rachel Ray’s Late Night Bacon.  Be careful re-creating this, or your arteries may explode.

    • Ingredients
      • 8 slices of Bacon.
    • Directions
      • Place 2 sheets of paper towel on a microwave safe plate, lay the bacon out on the paper towel not over lapping the slices. Place 2 more sheets of paper towel on top. Place in the microwave on high for 6 to 13 minutes.

    OK.  If you are a little confused about the first paragraph of this post, let me clarify.  I was being sarcastic.  This recipe is actually posted on Food Network’s website AND was on TV.  Don’t believe me?  Click any of the words that are underlined.  That’s called in a link.  That’s right, Food Network dedicated precious air time to Rachel Ray pulling out 8 slices of bacon, placing them on paper towel, then microwaving them for 6-13 minutes.  Then, someone ran to their web designer and said “WE GOTTA HAVE THIS BACON RECIPE ON THE INTERWEBZ!”

    Seriously.

  • More Reasons to Hate Guy Fieri

    I know Jeremy is normally in charge of the Epic Portions Guy Fieri Hatred Department, but I thought he was slacking a little bit on his campaign to snuff out all things Fieri.  As far as I’m concerned, the public should be reminded exactly how stupid this man is on at least a monthly basis.

    In this installment of Guy Fieri hatred, I will provide you with a few Fieri Facts that are absolutely 100% true.  Some of them may appear made up, but I promise you they are completely real.  If you are a Guy Fieri fan, I hope helps your problem.

    • Guy describes his bleached, spiky hair look as “kulinary gangsta”. Don’t believe me?  Think your blonde haired chef buddy is way too awesome to ever utter the words “kulinary gangsta”?  Well, fortunately Guy had it tattooed on his forearm.  Observe:

    • He has a recipe currently on the Foot Network’s website called No Can Beato This Taquito. I hear the California Coalition for Immigration Reform needs a cook for their next anti-Mexican fundraiser.
    • His real name is Guy Ramsay Ferry.  No, his real name is not Fieri, it’s Ferry.  It was legally changed to “Fieri” in 1995.
    • He owns a lifted golf cart with a stereo, big tires and is equipped with nitro.

    That’s all for now.  Just didn’t want our readers to forget Epic Portions’ on going war against the douchery that is Guy Fieri.  Err, I mean Guy Ferry.  The kulinary gangsta that rides yellow golf carts with big wheels.  Awesome.