Epic Portions

Category: Rants

  • My Quest for Revenge

    I’m back.  Unfortunately, I am a bit grumpy.  I got about 47 minutes of sleep last night, and I’m pretty much running on fumes at the moment but nothing could take me away from writing what I’m about to write.  This post is pure passion.  There is nothing fake, embellished, or exaggerated about what you are about to read.

    I hope whoever wrote Subway’s “$5 Dollar Foot-Long” jingle dies.  I really do.  I wouldn’t feel bad at all if I read in the paper tomorrow that he tragically passed away without being able to satisfy any of his life goals.  In fact, here are some of the ways I wish he could go:

    • Chinese water torture
    • Malaria
    • “Total Recall” Mars death
    • Samuel L. Jackson “Deep Blue Sea” shark death
    • Guillotine
    • Catapult into a brick wall
    • MMA regulated match with Anderson Silva

    So I decided to set out on a journey to find whoever was responsible for making me miserable several times a week.  I needed to be able to direct my hatred at a face.  I needed to be able to picture the person responsible for the song every time I heard it and be able to say “I’m going to get that gray haired, green eyed, big nosed son of a bitch one of these days”.  I hoped for the best.  May God be with me.

    The Journey

    The beginning of my journey was a hard one.  How exactly does one track down The Prince of Pandemonium? I began on Google.   I’m not sure how to find anything anywhere else and I’m sure as hell not going to find anything at the library, so this was an obvious starting point.  I came across an article entitled Q&A: Subway’s $5 Foot-long Jingle Creator.  Had I found it this easily?  Was I one click away from completing my mission?

    The Click

    The page begun with a definition of “Jingle”.   A “good” jingle is maddeningly inescapable, and therein lies the paradox.  I believe the key word in that definition must be maddening, as in the $5 dollar foot-long jingle is MADDENING.  I read on….  And then I saw it….

    His name is Jimmy Harned.

    Mefistofeles himself works for Tonefarmer, an NYC-based music and sound design firm whose clients include everyone from ESPN to Geico (and of course Subway).

    I kept reading and found this doozy of a quote:

    “We didn’t want any blabbing.  It was just, let’s see how many times we can say ‘five dollar foot-long.’  Let’s mention it as many times as possible without making someone hurt us. We wanted to make sure no one would miss the message.”

    I can honestly say that while he has created one of the most memorable jingles of all time, he has failed miserably.  Sure, he has most likely made hundreds of thousands of dollars if not a million but I badly want to hurt him.  I want terrible things to happen to him.  I want him to feel similar pain that he has inflicted upon me.  The next quote made me want to injure him even worse:

    “Five dollar foot-long took about 4 hours to write, sing, play, and mix. I sang the lead and played all the instruments, and the other Farmers sang the backing parts.”

    That’s right, Jimmy “Damien Lucifer” Harned wrote, sang, played, mixed, whatever.. he was 100% responsible for the jingle.  He can’t even deflect blame on anyone else.  He can’t claim that his version was far less annoying but one George Hastings made it into what it is today.

    And if you don’t already want revenge on this guy, just listen to the following quote where he breaks down the structure of the jingle.  If this don’t enrage you, I feel as though you have anger issues.  Not me.

    “The chord structure does imply something dark,” he agreed, getting out his guitar to demonstrate over the phone. “On the word long, [the guitar part] goes down from a C to an A-flat,” he said, strumming, “which is kind of a weird place. It’s definitely not a poppy, happy place. It’s more of a metaly place. But at the same time, the singing stays almost saccharine.” (The vocals shift to form an F minor over the guitar’s A-flat.)

    That’s right.  The Subway jingle song is in a more “metaly” place.  That’s the first time I’ve ever heard the word “metaly” used before and I’m so glad it was one Jimmy “Beelzebub” Harned that used it.

    We now have  a name, a company, a place of residence, and even more motivation.  Revenge is going to be so sweet.

    The Face

    Things were going so well.  Would I be able to find The Author of Evil’s picture?  I started at Google Images, because where the hell else would you find anything like that?  Thank god for technology.

    All of a sudden, there he was.  The Angel of the Bottomless Pit.  Old Gooseberry.  The Tempter.  The Wicked One..

    subwaydevil

    My work here is done.  The Hooven Cloof has been exposed.

    Please keep in mind that I do not want to kill one Jimmy Harned nor would I ever consider it.  If you take this seriously, I apologize.  But seriously.. get a sense of humor.

    Oh, and don’t sue me.

  • Tio’s: A Rant

    I was driving on Washtenaw in Ypsilanti, and I noticed a small sign on the front of Tio’s Mexican Cafe. The sign read “Best Mexican Food in Ann Arbor”. This was a hard thing for me to digest because.. Well.. Tio’s sucks. The food is terrible. It is quite possibly the least authentic, overpriced, pile of shit “Mexican” restaurant I have ever been to.  I found myself trying to think of local Mexican restaurant that wasn’t quite as good as Tio’s.  Couldn’t do it.

    If somehow you work at Tio’s and you find yourself reading this and disagree with me, I would be more than happy to come in and eat any food you recommend.  Prove me wrong.  Until then, here’s exactly why your restaurant sucks.

    Tios’ recipes are their own interpretation rather than an attempt to mimic either the American Southwest style of Mexican cooking or traditional Mexican cooking. The problem with this is that their interpretation is like a bad, overpriced version of Taco Bell without the drive through. Tio’s tries to serve you the least quality food possible, which is basically a bunch of beans dressed up in different ways, then tries to squeeze a buck out of you any possible way they can. Tio’s prices are already high, but when you get your bill at the end of your dinner, you may be shocked to find the following additions charged to you:

    • Sour Cream – $.99
    • Beans & Rice – $2.99
    • Beans without the rice – $1.69-$2.99
    • Corn Chips.   Without salsa.  That’s extra of course – $.99
    • Guacamole – $1.49

    Yes, this is correct.  Unlike any other normal Mexican restaurant you do not get chips and salsa for free, beans & rice do not come with your meal and any thing extra you want to add to your meal is going to cost you at least a dollar.  If you were to order the wet burrito with a side of rice and beans with salsa and sour cream, it would end up costing you $12.46 before tax.  This is for a shitty tortilla stuffed with bad meat, way too many beans, and way too many vegetables with a heaping amount of bland red sauce and yellow cheese(more on this later).  Also, A fifty-cent charge is added to your bill for two extra flour tortillas when you inevitably come up short in the tortilla-to-fajita ingredient ratio.  Wouldn’t this be like charging for a couple of extra packs of Saltines for your chicken noodle soup at Denny’s?

    Next, Tio’s does not serve beer or even margaritas.  When was the last time you visited an establishment that served Mexican food that didn’t serve at least a basic margarita?   You would think a restaurant that serves food this bad would at least try to liquor their customers up before serving it to them.  Also, you would think a place that tries so hard to squeeze as much money as possible out of people would attempt to serve alcohol, which is quite possibly the most overpriced item on your average menu.

    I already called the food shit, but I will emphasize this again with its own paragraph.  The food is shit.  I’ve honestly had better Mexican food at hospital cafeterias  The cheese is yellow, which if you read my blog regularly, you know is a complete sin for any Mexican restaurant.   The shredded chicken resembles cat food and might quite possibly taste even worse.  The Nachos are about 80% refried beans, 10% onions with a smell that strangely resembles body odor, and 10% random vegetables and a few pieces of meat.  The “world famous” wet burrito?  I’m sure the citizens of countries across the world are putting in overtime so they may afford a flight to visit Tio’s Mexican Cafe for their incredible wet burritos.  Also, while you might expect a Mexican restaurant to serve some sort of Mexican dessert, Tio’s decides to strategically go the opposite way, give the middle finger to the entire state of Mexico and serve the most random pre-made desserts that they could get their hands on.  After your fajitas, treat yourself to a “Ultimate Fried Chocolate Brownie Hot Fudge, Caramel Sundae”.  If your stomach wasn’t hurting already from the poor quality food, this will surely do the trick.  If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, maybe the New York Cheesecake will do.  Because when I think Mexican food, I think New York Cheesecake.

    Oh, and you know you’re in a terrible Mexican restaurant when the entire perimeter of the parking lot and every square inch of the building’s exterior are decorated in American flags and other assorted red, white and blue decorations.  You sure do get your fill of American patriotism when you visit Tio’s Mexican Cafe.  I almost feel like saying the pledge of allegiance before eating my Huevos Rancheros.

    In summary, If you would like to replicate the dining experience at Tio’s, do the following:

    1. Remove one Ortega tortilla from its box.
    2. Open a can of refried beans.
    3. Find yourself some regular old shredded cheddar.
    4. Combine, heat, and serve.
    5. Throw $10.99 in the trash.  Unless you want any additional condiments or sides.  That will be extra.

    Tio's on Urbanspoon

  • Arizona Iced Tea – Addictive?

    As a loyal drinker of multiple favors of Arizona Iced Tea, I began to wonder.. Is there an addictive ingredient in this, or did they just develop a recipe for liquid heaven?  What goes into this stuff?  Also, how did this company develop a beverage for all situations, events, and moods?  How do they sell such a large quantity of the beverage for such an affordable price?  Do they sell it this cheap because they were somehow able to predict a recession in our economy?  Why does it taste so much better in cans?  I decided to begin a journey to answer all of these questions, just in case I was digesting crack-cocaine daily.

    Who Makes Arizona Iced Tea?

    Contrary to popluar belief, Arizona iced tea is not made by Jesus himself.  The first can of Arizona Iced Tea was sold in 1992 in Queens, New York.  The company  is owned by Ferolito, Vultaggio & Sons, who to that point mostly sold malt liquor and beer, such as Crazy Stallion and Mississippi Mud.  They still produce the teas to this day, and have expanded to juices, and energy drinks.

    I find it suspicious that a company who specialized in malt liquors decided to start brewing tea.  If you know your beers, then you know that beers are either “top fermented” or “bottom fermented.” Porters, ales, and stouts are top fermented and malt liquor is bottom fermented, which means the wort (the resulting brew of malt, prepared cereals like corn or rice, hops and water) is fermented by yeast of the bottom fermentation type (i.e. yeast which settles to the bottom of the fermenting tanks). Top fermenting yeast does the opposite. Malt liquor is made from a wort containing a high percentage of fermentable sugars which makes it slightly sweeter and a bit spicy in flavor and also raises the alcohol content.

    Does it alarm anyone else that this company knows this much about chemistry?  I’m getting to the bottom of this.

    What’s in the Stuff?

    I figured the easiest way to get to the bottom of which ingredient was making this drink so addictive, would be to look them all up on Wikipedia and provide a brief summary for each.  I was careful to look out for words/phrases such as “crack“, “narcotic“, “causes dependency“, “will force you to enter rehab to quit“, “junkie creating“, “in some cases, caused consumer to sell all posessions and abandon family to support habit”, and “do not consume or else…”. I also looked out for anything to do with Jesus or Heaven.

    Note: These are the ingredients for a can of Green Tea with Ginseng.  I have had an addiction to this specific beverage for 6-7 years now, so I thought this would be the best one to analyze (for selfish reasons).

    • Premium Brewed Green Tea Using Filtered Water
      • What it is: Type of tea made solely with the leaves of Camelliasinensis, that has undergone minimal oxidation during processing
      • Effects on Human Body: Over the last few decades green tea has been subjected to many scientific and medical studies to determine the extent of its long-purported health benefits, with some evidence suggesting regular green tea drinkers may have lower chances of heart disease and developing certain types of cancer.
      • Addictive? While unproven, many claim that green tea consumption should be restricted because it contains stimulants (Caffeine).  This wasn’t too alarming to me, because I have consumed many beverages for many years that contain caffeine, and they don’t have an effect on me at all.  This may be a direct result of my attention defecit disorder.  Yeah, probably.
    • Honey
      • What it is:    Sweet fluid produced by honey bees and derived from the nectar of flowers.  Mainly fructrose and glucose, making it similar to corn syrup.
      • Effects on the Human Body:    Honey is mostly sugar, but does contain a small amount of carbohydrates and vitamins.  While not great because of the sugar content, honey is a relatively healthy product to put in your body.
      • Addictive? Findings showed no addictive ingredients, or studies on honey junkies.  In fact, people reccomend using honey to cure sugar addictions.  While this sounds great, I do not believe there is enough research completed to rule out honey as the addictive ingredient.  Honey will remain a suspect.
    • Citric Acid
      • What is is: A weak organic acid natural use as a preservative.   Also used to add an acidic, or sour, taste to foods and soft drinks.
      • Effects on Human Body: Citric acid comes from citrus fruits such as lemons and limes, and is important as an intermediate in the citric acid cycle and therefore occurs in the metabolism of almost all living things.  No specific negative effects could be found in my research.
      • Addictive? It has been proven that the properties of citrus fruits actually help to combat addictions of all types; but especially sugar addiction. The glucose, or fruit sugar, combined with citric acid, help to form a defense against those unhealthy cravings.  From this information, I guess it is safe to say that citric acid successfully cancels out the possibility that honey is the addictive ingredient.  Now we’re back where we started.  Great.
    • Vitamin C
      • What it is: An essential nutrient for all living species.
      • Effects on Human Body:    Required for a range of essential metabolic reactions in all animals and plants. It is made internally by almost all organisms, humans being a notable exception. It is widely known that a deficiency in this vitamin causes scurvy in humans.
      • Addictive:    No research found regarding addictive traits of Vitamin C, although high doses may result in diarrhea.  No one likes diarrhea, but that’s not the focus here.  I found no information on Vitamin C junkies, or anything having to do with Vitamin C addiction.  I admit I didn’t conduct too extensive of a study on this ingredient because I thought it was pretty stupid to consider Vitamin C as addictive.  Moving on..
    • Sugar
      • While I am trying to be as informative as possible, I think I know enough about sugar to conclude that while addictive, it is not what forces me to visit the gas station several times per day for the beverage.  If this were the case, I would be brewing my own sweet tea at home and growing sugar cane in my bedroom.  While that sounds absolutely delicious and a great idea, it’s not something I’m willing to do.
    • Acesulfame Potassium
      • What is is: A calorie-free artificial sweetener, also known as Acesulfame K or Ace K (K being the symbol for potassium), and marketed under the trade names Sunett and Sweet One.
      • Effects on Human Body: Acesulfame Potassium is a calorie-free sweetner, which obviously saves people some unwanted calories.  Critics of the use of acesulfame potassium say the chemical has not been studied adequately and may be carcinogenic, although these claims have been dismissed by the USFDA
      • Addictive? No research indicated anything addictive, but that whole carcinogen thing is pretty scary.  Plus that long name is a little overwhelming.
    • Ginseng Extract
      • What it is: Extract from a species within Panax, a genus of 11 species of slow-growing perennial plants with fleshy roots, in the family Araliaceae.  are taken orally as adaptogens, aphrodisiacs, nourishing stimulants, and in the treatment of type II diabetes, including sexual dysfunction in men. The root is most often available in dried form, either whole or sliced. Ginseng leaf, although not as highly prized, is sometimes also used; as with the root it is most often available in dried form
      • Effects on Human Body: It has been difficult to verify the medicinal benefits of ginseng using science, as there are contradictory results from different studies, possibly due to the wide variety and quality of ginseng used in studies.  Ginseng is promoted as an adaptogen (a product that increases the body’s resistance to stress), one which can to a certain extent be supported with reference to its anticarcinogenic and antioxidant properties
      • Addictive?    Because of its effect on stress, memory, and energy levels, more and more people are becoming dependent on ginseng.  It is an ingredient for a large marjority of energy on the market today.   One opinion piece (http://www.bluedamage.com/2004/09/16/ginseng-drug-addiction/) calls it the “new crank”.  We may have something here.  Wait, I just noticed that’s from a fake news site.  Damnit.  Disregard all content added from that website.

    Conclusion

    Well, I couldn’t find anything about Arizona’s ingredients being addictive besides the fact that it contains caffeine and some fake news site said it’s the new crank.  This was disapointing because my addiction still remains, and so many questions are still unanswered.  I guess I will continue to drink this delicious beverage in large amounts, and wait until the Food and Drug Administration tells me to stop.

    Arizona – The Universal Beverage

    There seems to be an Arizona beverage for all situations, moods, experiences, whatever you want.

    • “I just woke up and am on the way to work.  I’m driving, and can’t really see.  I could be a hazzard to other drivers on the road”.
      • The drink for you: RX Energy – A delicious blend of citrus juice, tea, and natural ingredients promoting energy.
    • “I’m going to Florida for spring break with the girls.  I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I really need to watch my figure so I can pick up some studs on the beach.”
      • The drink for you: Diet Green Tea with Ginseng
    • “I love tea and lemonade so much.  I just can’t ever chose which one to drink!”
      • The drink for you: The Arnold Palmer – 1/2 tea, and 1/2 lemonade.  As a whole, delicious.
    • “I’m from the south and I take my tea seriously.  I don’t want none of that unsweetened garbage.  I want diabetes, damnit!”
      • The drink for you: Sweet Tea – A legit sweet tea that will eventually cause type-2 diabetes for all consumers.
    • “You know, I love tea but caffeine just makes me crazy.  Everytime I drink it, I’m up all night reading my Twilight books.”
      • The drink for you: Botanical Green Tea — Decaffeinated.
    • “Man, I hate tea.  Give me some of that purple stuff.”
      • The drink for you: Grapaid