It’s been awhile since we last made fun of Guy Fieri. That has been fine with me, I know his barely coherent tweets make for perfect examples of Guy’s legendary douchebaggery, but overall he is too easy of a target. So we’ve eased up on the Guy bashing, and judging by the e-mail I’ve received, many of you are not happy about it. Well, wait no longer my friends. Besides, did you think I would have six posts in seven nights without one about Guy?
I was leafing through my cat’s copy of Food Network Magazine the other day (yes, my cat really does have a subscription to FN Magazine, it’s a long story) and what did I stumble upon but an advertisement for Guy Fieri’s Knuckle Sandwich Series Knives. I kid you not, gentle reader, that is what they are called. Sometimes truth is douchier than fiction. Isn’t a knuckle sandwich a euphemism for a punch to the mouth? How is that related to a knife in any way? Oh right, it’s really lame. Fits Guy to a “T.”
Knife sets rely almost exclusively on slick marketing. If you purchase a high quality knife set (or like me receive one as a wedding gift) and treat them with loving care they will last a very long time. So the only way to get someone with a perfectly good knife set to buy a new one is to market it in a way that makes it irresistible. And judging from the gullibility of the Guy Fieri Mafia, I’m sure they are selling like spikey-haired hot cakes.
The knife set, excuse me, the Knuckle Sandwich Series Knife set, consists of four rockin’ blades. The “Big Stick” is an all-purpose chef’s knife. Former President Theodore Roosevelt coined the phrase, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.” Which means that if you have massive military power, or a badass knife, you should STFU about it and not make a big spectacle of yourself. Which pretty much should exclude Guy Fieri from being associated with it.
There is also a serrated knife, called the “Dragon Dagger,” which is ironically the name of the serrated knife Beowulf used to slay the dragon before suffering his own mortal wound in the eponymous epic poem (we know about all things epic here at EP). Also, isn’t a dagger for stabbing? Anyone need to stab a loaf of bread with a dagger? Imagine if Guy had left one of his knives at Juliet’s side, Shakespeare would never be the same. “O Happy Dragon Dagger,” cried Juliet, “I shall use your serrated blade to exeunt from this mortal coil. But first I willst slice this tomato.”
The other knives include the “Lil’ Guy,” which thankfully is not the name of Guy’s penis but a paring knife. And that is all I have to say about that.
Finally, there is the “Chopper.” I guess whoever was in charge of coming up with edgy, Guy Fieri-esque names decided to leave early that day. One must assume this knife is for chopping things.
We’ll be on the lookout for the next Guy Fieri endorsed products to emerge. Hair gel, sunglasses, home pregnancy tests (if it says money, you are pregnant!), and the one I’m most looking forward to, the Guy Fieri brand sensory deprivation tank. Enter the tank and be guaranteed of freedom from all things Guy, if only for a little while.