I Skipped Downton Abbey to Write an Epic Portions Rant

by Jeremy on January 20, 2014 · 3 comments

Well, here it is, Martin Luther King Day Eve.  My children are nestled cozily into their beds,  and I am spending the evening in quiet contemplation of the contribution of a great man — Dr. King.  Also, I’m drinking beer, playing the guitar, and watching the episode of Downton Abbey I recorded earlier this evening.  Or so I thought.

As I reached into the fridge to grab another Short’s Huma Lupa Licious IPA, a beer as awesome as its name is ridiculous, I happened to glance at a bottle of A-1 Steak Sauce that has been in my refrigerator since the Pre-Cambrian era.  On said bottle is the laziest recipe I have ever seen in my life for a Slow-Cooker Pot Roast. 

I found the recipe so lazy, so repulsive, so against all that is culinarily good and true, that I had to put Downton Abbey on hold for thirty minutes to rant about this garbage.  The officious Brit bastards can wait…

Before I begin let me say that I am not opposed to using the slow cooker to make life easy, or taking shortcuts on occasion.  Sometimes, it is a complete pain in the ass to have to cook a dinner for your family every night, and I say that as someone who loves to cook.  But, like in most other parts of life, there are limits to what one will accept as a shortcut.  Let’s look at the recipe:

A-1’s Lazy-Ass Slow Cooker Pot Roast

Difficulty:  A quadriplegic chimp could do it.

Time:  Wasted.

½ cup A-1 Steak Sauce (of course, what’s the point of the recipe if you aren’t trying to sell bottles of your product).

½ cup water (straight from the tap, especially if you are from West Virginia).

1 package onion-mushroom soup mix (ask your cardiologist which packet of onion-mushroom soup mix is right for you).

– That is the one that annoys me the most.  Why not, I don’t know, buy some actual mushrooms?  And garlic.   A cow died so it could be your dinner, show it some fucking respect, A-1.

Continuing…

2 ½ lbs. boneless chuck eye roast (proceed to apologize to the Cow-Gods for the crime against Bovinity that you are about to commit).

1 lb. baby red potatoes (preferably, the pre-packaged kind).

1 package of baby carrots (they outright say it this time).

1 onion, diced (I think that means to chop it up a bunch).

Put all the above ingredients in a slow cooker on low for 8-9 hours.  Seriously.  Cook the shit out of it.  Insult its mother at least twice during the cooking process.

That’s the recipe.  I shit you not.   And I’m not trying to be a food snob, we can make A-1’s recipe work.   How about red wine and or beef broth for the liquid instead of water?  Throw in a bay leaf or two and you might be on to something.

That is all.  Farewell again, food blogging.  I’m sorry but I just can’t muster the enthusiasm to write about Quinoa/Sweet Potato bullshit on a regular basis.

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Billy Zoom May 6, 2014 at 3:59 pm

Could you tell Toddy his rectum called? It said “enough with the black cocks. I’m full of splooge”.

River Canyon May 22, 2014 at 12:04 am

Best Simple Slow Cooker Beef Roast-Mississippi Roast:

Meat plus Four simple ingredients – the outcome is simply amazing!!
(Really, don’t knock it till ya tried it)

3 lb. Chuck Roast (English cut Shoulder is best)
1 packet Ranch dressing mix (powder)
1 packet Au Jus Gravy mix (powder)
1 stick Butter
5-6 pepperoncini

NO LIQUID (Breaking all the slow cooker rules is great fun!)

Place roast in crock, coat roast with the ranch mix, then coat with the Au Jus mix, place the stick of butter on top of the roast, place the pepperoncini’s on and around the roast.
Cook 8 hrs. on Low.

Try this, you won’t regret it!

Jeremy you may not accept this recipe as a shortcut either but then you’ll be missing out on something awesome!

So simple A quadriplegic chimp could do it and worth every minute of time spent!……oh and no fresh veggies either but I will damn sure show this dead cow plenty of respect WHEN I EAT EVERY LAST DELICIOUS BITE!!!

Also since you went ahead and bashed an entire states population so you could appear better educated and feel better about yourself, I wanna tell ya a thing er two about them there West Virginyinz using that thar “Tap” water (who supposedly don’t know no better) Guess what? Most of them Hillbilly’s don’t even have no damn stinkin city crap tap water….That’s right they got themselves a SPRING or an ARTESIAN WELL…So they have pure and delicious water right from their tap for free, so they taint got to go buy no damn filters or bottled yuppie water!!! Yep them thar Hillbilly’s might not be as dumb as you think! Hahaha!

So far I don’t like this site’s writers. Too much negativity and bashing going on here. Very disrespectful, time would be better spent writing something good.

BillyZoom May 22, 2014 at 6:56 pm

37 Toddy?!? Slurp, Slurp, Slurp.

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