I Skipped Downton Abbey to Write an Epic Portions Rant

by Jeremy on January 20, 2014 · 5 comments

Well, here it is, Martin Luther King Day Eve.  My children are nestled cozily into their beds,  and I am spending the evening in quiet contemplation of the contribution of a great man — Dr. King.  Also, I’m drinking beer, playing the guitar, and watching the episode of Downton Abbey I recorded earlier this evening.  Or so I thought.

As I reached into the fridge to grab another Short’s Huma Lupa Licious IPA, a beer as awesome as its name is ridiculous, I happened to glance at a bottle of A-1 Steak Sauce that has been in my refrigerator since the Pre-Cambrian era.  On said bottle is the laziest recipe I have ever seen in my life for a Slow-Cooker Pot Roast. 

I found the recipe so lazy, so repulsive, so against all that is culinarily good and true, that I had to put Downton Abbey on hold for thirty minutes to rant about this garbage.  The officious Brit bastards can wait…

Before I begin let me say that I am not opposed to using the slow cooker to make life easy, or taking shortcuts on occasion.  Sometimes, it is a complete pain in the ass to have to cook a dinner for your family every night, and I say that as someone who loves to cook.  But, like in most other parts of life, there are limits to what one will accept as a shortcut.  Let’s look at the recipe:

A-1’s Lazy-Ass Slow Cooker Pot Roast

Difficulty:  A quadriplegic chimp could do it.

Time:  Wasted.

½ cup A-1 Steak Sauce (of course, what’s the point of the recipe if you aren’t trying to sell bottles of your product).

½ cup water (straight from the tap, especially if you are from West Virginia).

1 package onion-mushroom soup mix (ask your cardiologist which packet of onion-mushroom soup mix is right for you).

— That is the one that annoys me the most.  Why not, I don’t know, buy some actual mushrooms?  And garlic.   A cow died so it could be your dinner, show it some fucking respect, A-1.


2 ½ lbs. boneless chuck eye roast (proceed to apologize to the Cow-Gods for the crime against Bovinity that you are about to commit).

1 lb. baby red potatoes (preferably, the pre-packaged kind).

1 package of baby carrots (they outright say it this time).

1 onion, diced (I think that means to chop it up a bunch).

Put all the above ingredients in a slow cooker on low for 8-9 hours.  Seriously.  Cook the shit out of it.  Insult its mother at least twice during the cooking process.

That’s the recipe.  I shit you not.   And I’m not trying to be a food snob, we can make A-1’s recipe work.   How about red wine and or beef broth for the liquid instead of water?  Throw in a bay leaf or two and you might be on to something.

That is all.  Farewell again, food blogging.  I’m sorry but I just can’t muster the enthusiasm to write about Quinoa/Sweet Potato bullshit on a regular basis.

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