Posts tagged as:

guy fieri

Bourdain vs. Deen

by Jeremy on August 22, 2011 · 1 comment

In case you missed it, our hero Anthony Bourdain has been vilified in the media for daring to call out Paula Deen for being a mediocre cook who is infatuated with using too much butter in every recipe (more on that later).  Well, EP will not stand by and allow the forces of evil, represented by Paula Deen, strike at Bourdain without a rousing defense.

For starters, Bourdain’s comments came after he was asked in an interview who the worst cooks on Food Network are.  So it’s not like he was running around looking to pick a fight with Paula Deen.  After the question, he proceeded to lambaste Deen, Rachael Ray, Sandra Lee, and our favorite whipping boy, Guy Fieri.  He called Deen, “the worst, most dangerous person to America.  She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations, and she’s proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you.  I would think twice before telling an already obese nation that it is OK to eat food that is killing us.  Plus, her food sucks.”  As for Fieri, Bourdain said, “I look at Guy and I just think, Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.”  Well said, maestro.

Is Paula Deen as bad as Tony says?  While he probably was a little over the top, I can’t find too much fault with what he says.  I don’t dislike Deen, but I have to admit I haven’t watched her in years.  She does shill for any corporation that offers her a check, and her food is unhealthy to extreme levels.  I also ate at her Savannah restaurant, Lady and Sons or whatever it is called, and found it pretty disappointing.  I won’t say it sucks, but much like a white musician trying to play the blues, a woman like Deen can only do so much with soul food.

A couple years ago I was charged with the task of cooking a Mother’s Day Brunch for my wife, her grandmother, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.  Aside from killer sausage and mushroom egg casseroles, I made some cheesy hash browns and used a Deen recipe.  Even after cutting out one-half of the butter called for in the recipe, the dish came out way too buttery.  There were pools of grease throughout the dish.  I was quite pissed off at myself for getting lazy and using Deen’s recipe.  Of course, since I was cooking for a bunch of white people the dish was well received.  Deen must have some kind of magic power over any white woman over 30.  Perhaps she is the most dangerous person in America…

As for Bourdain, I know he rubs some people the wrong way.  It is certainly their right to hold that opinion, but I still love the guy for speaking his mind, calling an asshole an asshole, and generally having zero tolerance for bullshit.  I say, keep the hits coming, Tony, and to hell with your detractors.  You will always have the support of your friends at Epic Portions.

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Spot on! “Trust me, you’ll go Landsbury for this Cranberry, cause it’s Dinner she Wrote!”

I am gonna start telling people that I would “eat this off a moving truck tire!” Serve with raisins!

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I know Jeremy is normally in charge of the Epic Portions Guy Fieri Hatred Department, but I thought he was slacking a little bit on his campaign to snuff out all things Fieri.  As far as I’m concerned, the public should be reminded exactly how stupid this man is on at least a monthly basis.

In this installment of Guy Fieri hatred, I will provide you with a few Fieri Facts that are absolutely 100% true.  Some of them may appear made up, but I promise you they are completely real.  If you are a Guy Fieri fan, I hope helps your problem.

  • Guy describes his bleached, spiky hair look as “kulinary gangsta”. Don’t believe me?  Think your blonde haired chef buddy is way too awesome to ever utter the words “kulinary gangsta”?  Well, fortunately Guy had it tattooed on his forearm.  Observe:

  • He has a recipe currently on the Foot Network’s website called No Can Beato This Taquito. I hear the California Coalition for Immigration Reform needs a cook for their next anti-Mexican fundraiser.
  • His real name is Guy Ramsay Ferry.  No, his real name is not Fieri, it’s Ferry.  It was legally changed to “Fieri” in 1995.
  • He owns a lifted golf cart with a stereo, big tires and is equipped with nitro.

That’s all for now.  Just didn’t want our readers to forget Epic Portions’ on going war against the douchery that is Guy Fieri.  Err, I mean Guy Ferry.  The kulinary gangsta that rides yellow golf carts with big wheels.  Awesome.

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Guy Fieri Knife Set

by Jeremy on July 18, 2010 · 3 comments

It’s been awhile since we last made fun of Guy Fieri.  That has been fine with me, I know his barely coherent tweets make for perfect examples of Guy’s legendary douchebaggery, but overall he is too easy of a target.  So we’ve eased up on the Guy bashing, and judging by the e-mail I’ve received, many of you are not happy about it.  Well, wait no longer my friends.  Besides, did you think I would have six posts in seven nights without one about Guy?

I was leafing through my cat’s copy of Food Network Magazine the other day (yes, my cat really does have a subscription to FN Magazine, it’s a long story) and what did I stumble upon but an advertisement for Guy Fieri’s Knuckle Sandwich Series Knives.  I kid you not, gentle reader, that is what they are called.  Sometimes truth is douchier than fiction.  Isn’t a knuckle sandwich a euphemism for a punch to the mouth?  How is that related to a knife in any way?  Oh right, it’s really lame.  Fits Guy to a “T.”

Who wouldn't want to buy a knife from this clown?

Knife sets rely almost exclusively on slick marketing.  If you purchase a high quality knife set (or like me receive one as a wedding gift) and treat them with loving care they will last a very long time.  So the only way to get someone with a perfectly good knife set to buy a new one is to market it in a way that makes it irresistible.  And judging from the gullibility of the Guy Fieri Mafia, I’m sure they are selling like spikey-haired hot cakes.

The knife set, excuse me, the Knuckle Sandwich Series Knife set, consists of four rockin’ blades.  The “Big Stick” is an all-purpose chef’s knife.  Former President Theodore Roosevelt coined the phrase, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.”  Which means that if you have massive military power, or a badass knife, you should STFU about it and not make a big spectacle of yourself.  Which pretty much should exclude Guy Fieri from being associated with it.

The Big Stick and the Dragon Dagger. I feel 23 % douchier just typing those words.

There is also a serrated knife, called the “Dragon Dagger,” which is ironically the name of the serrated knife Beowulf used to slay the dragon before suffering his own mortal wound in the eponymous epic poem (we know about all things epic here at EP).  Also, isn’t a dagger for stabbing?  Anyone need to stab a loaf of bread with a dagger?  Imagine if Guy had left one of his knives at Juliet’s side,  Shakespeare would never be the same. “O Happy Dragon Dagger,” cried Juliet, “I shall use your serrated blade to exeunt from this mortal coil.  But first I willst slice this tomato.”

The other knives include the “Lil’ Guy,” which thankfully is not the name of Guy’s penis but a paring knife.  And that is all I have to say about that.

Finally, there is the “Chopper.”  I guess whoever was in charge of coming up with edgy, Guy Fieri-esque names decided to leave early that day.  One must assume this knife is for chopping things.

We’ll be on the lookout for the next Guy Fieri endorsed products to emerge.  Hair gel, sunglasses, home pregnancy tests (if it says money, you are pregnant!), and the one I’m most looking forward to, the Guy Fieri brand sensory deprivation tank.  Enter the tank and be guaranteed of freedom from all things Guy, if only for a little while.

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Free Agency

July 11, 2010

As you may or may not know, depending on whether you keep up with the inside dealings of elite food-related websites, my contract with Epic Portions expires at the end of the month.  I will officially be a free agent in a couple of weeks.   I love EP, I grew ...

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Around the World with Pepsi

May 24, 2010

After re-reading John’s thought provoking expose on Pringles from around the world, I decided to expand the search of quirky products in foreign markets to soda, and specifically Pepsi. Japan – Pepsi Ice Cucumber      Finally, the refreshing burst of cucumber flavor in a soda! Pepsi plus pickle juice, ...

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Food Network: The Movie

May 2, 2010

Ugh…as if this wasn’t bad enough, our spies have uncovered another Food Network Movie Project. Executive Producer Jerry Bruckheimer  and  FN Films presents:  un film de Jean-Pierre Jeunet  Tom Cruise as Bobby Flay  and  Nicole Kidman as Sandra Lee  in  Mouths Wide Open      Also Starring:  Jeff Daniels as ...

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