Epic Portions

Author: admin

  • Epic Product Reviews: Leinenkugel Oktoberfest

    Autumn is in the air, my friends.  Leaves are changing color, the crack of shoulder pads announce the birth of a new season of football, and the languorous days of summer part for the crisp air and activity of fall.  Actually…no.  It’s still 85 degrees in the shade and much to my chagrin it seems football season will never arrive.  Then why, I must ask, have my grocer and local beer monger’s shelves been stocked with Oktoberfest beer since early August?  Like holiday decorations hung in October, the re-formatting of our seasons continues.  When it involves Christmas or Hanukkah, I find it annoying but expected in a way.  When it involves beer, I can’t help but take it personally.  Before long winter beer will be here in mid-September.  And that makes me sad.

    Leinenkugel's Oktoberfest

    Over the next couple weeks I’ll be reviewing Oktoberfest beers.  As they have been available for weeks now, I feel I cannot put off the reviews any longer.  It saddens me to have to do this now, but the beer is out there and in order to stay ahead of the competition I can’t let EP become irrelevant because we are too late with our reviews.  So, my hand has been forced…

    In order to achieve the fall setting necessary to truly enjoy an Oktoberfest style beer, I decided to turn my AC down to 58 degrees and light a fire in my fireplace.  I then dressed my children in football uniforms and told them to crash into each other at high speeds.  After having achieved autumnal bliss (as well as convincing my wife I hadn’t gone insane and not to call the local asylum or child protective services), I cracked open a Leinenkugel Oktoberfest beer.

    The first thing I noticed was the rich amber color.  It almost screamed fall at me, until I realized the screaming was coming from daughter after my son used an illegal chop block on her.  I longed for a crisp autumn evening on my deck with delicious dead animals on the grill and a Leiny in hand.  Instead I was forced to watch my son disregard all known rules of football and use five downs to score on my daughter.  Brought back awful memories of my freshman year at Mizzou, but I digress.  As for the beer, the Munich and Carmel malts hit all the right notes.  I did wish for a higher degree of bitterness, but overall I quite enjoyed it.  It will provide a nice entry into the Oktoberfest style for these reviews.  Kind of appropriate because to me Leiny’s offerings are what I describe as “gateway beer.”  As this was my first experience with Leiny’s Oktoberfest, I would describe myself as impressed but not blown away.  Kind of like most of Leiny’s beer.  Always a solid choice, but there is usually something better if you are willing to spend a few more dollars.  On the other hand, if I go to a gathering or party and Leiny is offered I am usually quite pleased and grateful.

    I have noticed that Sunset Wheat on tap is noticeably better than from the bottle.  I wonder if that would apply to Oktoberfest.  I hope my local pub — Aubree’s — will switch out the Sunset Wheat for Oktoberfest so I can find out for myself.  But hopefully they can at least wait until football season has kicked off.

  • Side Dishes in a Box

    As regular readers of EP know, I function as a stay at home parent.  Notice I didn’t say “work.”  Where I come from, Earth, work is traditionally something you get paid for.  Otherwise it is an internship or volunteering.  Since an internship implies a lack of permanence, I suppose I am a volunteer.  And I’m fine with that; I did voluntarily leave my job to take care of my kids.  I also really don’t like it when some condescending asshole tells me I’m doing “the most important job in the world.”  Since I take care of two children, technically wouldn’t someone who works at a day care center and takes care of three or more children have a more important “job” than me?  How about an airline pilot responsible for hundreds of lives per flight?  How about the mechanics who work on the plane?  All I’m doing is making sure my progeny are well taken care of, which is damned important to me but surely of little significance to anyone else.  My only request of other stay at home parents is that their little snowflakes grow up well adjusted enough not shoot up my children’s school…

    Now that my mini-rant is over, on to the point of this post.  Sometimes I am pressed for time to make dinner.  Shocking, huh?  Two small children harassing me and making demands of all sorts, from help me tie my shoe to make my stuffed polar bear sing “Polar Bear Picnic” again, continually conspires to keep me from plating an intricately prepared meal on a nightly basis.

    So what’s a Dad to do?  I still want to make something delicious and quasi-healthy.  The answer is pretty obvious.  Focus on the heart of the meal (chicken, fish, etc.) and make use of side dishes in a box.  (If any food snobs have an issue with that they can say it directly to me.  You will not find me making pasta salad every damn day during my daughter’s nap.  Sometimes Daddy needs to chill for a while and not be catering to whims of another human being.  If I want to watch a rerun of The Wire during her nap, I will, and anyone who has something negative to say about that is itchin’ for a fight).  Fortunately there are a few decent choices out there, that while not recommended to serve on a nightly basis are still delicious (any reader who disagrees is free to dispute that and recommend something else) and simple to make.  That way my mustard fish has a decent side dish and I can keep my sanity alive, if only for one more day.

    Number 1:  Uncle Ben’s Long Grain and Wild Rice

    Uncle Ben says, "With great rice comes great responsibility."

    I have never heard a negative word about using Uncle Ben’s Wild Rice as a side dish.  Ever.  Once I made shrimp scampi with Uncle Ben’s as my side and all the compliments were for the rice.  I would have felt insulted if I gave a shit what the people thought, or didn’t partly agree with them.  Mix the seasoning with the rice, boil, cover, and 25 minutes later: consume.  Also, it goes great with mustard fish.

    Number 2:  Stove Top Stuffing 

    Cornbread stuffing FTW.

    Boring?  Bland?  Perhaps, and I would never serve Stove Top on Thanksgiving but for a quick side dish you can be damn sure it works just fine, and is quick and easy.  If you are feeling adventurous cook up a batch of McCormick’s Turkey Gravy (more on that in a future post), pour on said stuffing and people will think you actually worked to create the dish.

    Number 3:  Macaroni and Cheese

    Yes, I’m a real genius for uncovering this gem.  Every college student and person on a budget knows about Mac and Cheese, right?  Of course, but let me sadly state that Mac and Cheese in a box is uniformly awful.  How do I make it palatable?  A few key additions.  First, when mixing the cheese powder, add dried thyme and Dijon mustard — about a teaspoon of each.  If your kids or fellow diners can handle it (and if they can’t feel free to haze them) liberally add Frank’s RedHot to it as well.  Now you have Mac and Cheese from a box that is edible.

    A word of caution: Be sure to stay away from instant mashed potatoes.  Awful beyond belief or description.

    I’ll do veggies in another post.  Actually, I won’t, I’ll just add that in now.  The secret to add veggies in a quick manner is to serve them raw (my kids prefer carrots or peppers) and offer them something to dip them in.  Hummus or Ranch dip or whatever strikes your fancy.  If your little ones still won’t eat the veggies, just tell them if they don’t eat them they will never be allowed to have dessert again until they either turn 18 or get a job.  Works like a charm.

    Now if you will excuse me I have to go fold laundry and clean up a giant mess of legos along with misplaced puzzle pieces and blocks.  You know, the most important job in the world…

  • Making Dinner for Your Vampire Boyfriend!!!

    Ok, so first I promised my cousin Jeremy that I would say this is written by me, Penelope, and not him.  Happy?  Like anyone would confuse me for one of Jeremy’s boring “I’m cool because I’m angry” stuff about cupcakes or Bud Light Golden Wheat, which BTW is not as good as BL Lime I had at my friend Madison’s 16th bday.  He told me he would pay me $50 if I fed his cats and wrote a post for this food website while he is on vacation so here I am.  So what should I write about? 

    So I thought, what is the one thing that everyone wants, irregardless of whoever you are, or like whatever you believe in and all that stuff?  That’s easy, forgetting your normal life and your gossip queen friends and all their lame drama and hooking up with your super hot and sensitive vampire boyfriend!  Ok, my BF isn’t a vampire, but it would be totally cool if he was.  My real boyfriend sometimes doesn’t call me for days sometimes because he’s playing Call of Duty or Madden football or some other geek thing like that.  If he were a vampire, he would appreciate me more.  So then I would cook for him!  Now I’m lucky if I can get him to take me to Taco Bell. 

    Ok, but this is writing and stuff so lets pretend he is a vampire and totally hot and in love with me.  But what I would cook?  I’ve made cookies a couple times and I made mac and cheese once.  Do vampires even taste stuff?  If I had a vampire BF we would usually just lay around in the woods and look longingly at each other.  I know that the whole “Vampires can’t eat garlic” stuff isn’t true, but why risk it and besides I don’t want him to have yucky breath when he tells me he is willing to sacrifice everything for me.

    So what does every guy like, even if it’s a regular guy or a 112 year old vampire trapped in some hot guy’s body?  Steak, and bloody too!  When I eat steak which is like hardly ever because my Mom and Dad are on this dumb “don’t eat it if it didn’t grow in the earth” diet (where do cows come from, duh!), I hate it when it is all dry and burned.  So I’ll make him a steak and cook it rare.  I think a vampire would like that! 

    But first I need an appetizer like mozzarella sticks or the asian lettuce wraps they have at Chili’s.  If your going to cuddle up with a vampire, always remember that they are cold blooded.  Ewwwww!  So for appetizer, give him soup!  Make him and his body warm, and maybe he won’t be so clammy when it is time to get close!

    So soup for an appetizer and steak for the main course, but what about dessert?  Nothing says I love you and think you are cute more than a cupcake!  I’m going to decorate them in red, and I totally found these joke valentine hearts that say “bite me” and I’m going to put them on the cupcakes too.  I’m sure he will tell me he thinks I am really funny after he sees that.

    I don’t have recipes or anything but I’m sure you can look stuff up online and find it yourself.  Anyway that was kind of fun.  If I have time I might do another one of these.  I hoped everyone liked it!!  Bye!