Epic Portions

Author: admin

  • Jeremy Eats the Road (not literally): Part II

    When faced with an afternoon to kill doing touristy things in Philadelphia, I was presented with a question as old as the city itself:  Do I take in the Liberty Bell and other Colonial era sights, or scope out the city for places that have been shot on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?  Either choice would provide a much needed blast of culture and history.  After my long night of driving, and a relaxing morning sleeping in at a swanky Philadelphia hotel, I opted for lunch.

    But Jeremy, you may be asking, what about your kids?  Aren’t they semi-permanently glued to you, restricting your freedom and liberty?  Not this particular weekend, my friends.  My wife had a high powered nursing conference, and I was there with an afternoon to kill by myself before meeting up with her for dinner.  The kids were back in Michigan, either fending for themselves or at their Grandparent’s house.  Meh.  Either way, my Declaration of Independence had been signed and my first act of freedom was to scour the streets of Philly for cheesesteaks and beer.

    When placed in an unfamiliar city, my plan of action is walking.  Exploring a city at ground level is great, not just for people watching but also to get a feel of the place.  What are the local shops/bars/restaurants like?  How attractive are the female inhabitants?  What is the ratio of panhandlers per block?  Philly scored well on all three counts.  Not only was the Liberty Bell and other historically significant sights within walking distance of my hotel, but so were many terrific restaurants.

    The first one that caught my eye will be familiar to watchers of Food Network.  The restaurant was called Morimoto.  Yes, that Morimoto, one of my favorite of the Iron Chefs, although he is no Hiroyuki Sakai, the unquestioned God and Master of all Iron Chefs.  Checking the menu, it did look fantastic, including a dish called Angry Chicken, which I loved.  Why is it angry?  Do you hurl insults at it before it is cooked?  Sadly, I wouldn’t know, prices at Morimoto were crazy expensive.  Dinner and drinks for two were easily going to be $150.  Time to keep looking…

    Greatest. Iron. Chef. Ever.

    Also, lunch was beckoning me.  I was hoping for a friendly bar, something called, oh, I don’t know….Paddy’s Pub.  Unfortunately no such place was to be found so I settled on a multi-story venture named Rotten Ralph’s.  Located on the corner of 2nd Street and Chestnut, Rotten Ralph’s is a street level bar with indoor and outdoor seating, and it claimed it had a club of some sort upstairs.  Not interested in hitting the club at two in the afternoon, I grabbed an inviting seat at the bar, ordered a pint of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and a Chicken Philly Cheesesteak. 

    After amusing myself with conversation with pessimistic Eagles fans, my sandwich arrived.  Covered in melted provolone, it was a serious beast of a sandwich, peppers and onions were spilling out.  I took a bite, and it was everything I hoped it would be.  The peppers and onions were the star of the show, juicy and loaded with flavor.  The chicken was perfect too, but without the chorus of peppers and onions it would not have been anything special.  The bread also stood out, light and with a crispy bite, not overly dense or soggy.  I decided that I wasn’t sure why Ralph was Rotten, but it sure as hell wasn’t due to a poor cheesesteak.

    Served with shoestring French fries, which were also delicious, it was an overall amazing eating experience.  I polished off my sandwich and was ready to hit the streets for further exploration when something caught my eye:  Hoegaarden on tap!!!!!   A second pint was a must.  After savoring my beer, and sermonizing to Philly football fans that they should be happy that they have a team that competes for the playoffs every year as opposed to being stuck in professional football hell —  Detroit — I headed for Independence Hall.

    Sightseeing, people watching, eating a great sandwich and drinking great beer all made for a wonderful day.  Dinner was set for a Cuban restaurant just around the corner from Rotten Ralph’s.  So far, Philly was everything I hoped for: a vibrant city with great restaurants, amusingly pessimistic football fans, and a surprising amount of beautiful women promenading along the sidewalks. 

    And, as a bonus, it was sunny in Philadelphia.  Life was good, time for a quick nap and a shower, followed by dinner with my wife.

    In the next installment:  Reviews of Cuba Libre and Dolce.

  • Jeremy Eats the Road (not literally): Part I

    Road trips can function a couple of different ways.  There is the ideal kind, the one where time is not really an issue, you can stop and check out interesting sights and scenery, and most importantly, discover a local eatery that is delicious and memorable.  Unfortunately, when I had to drive to Philadelphia last week, I was in a hurry and unable to explore.

    That means driving on the Interstate the whole way and living at the mercy of what I call Interstate Eats.  You know what I mean, you are driving down the highway, ripping off mile after mile all to the sounds of whatever strikes your fancy on your iPod, and the signs appear:  McDonalds, Burger King, Subway, Wendy’s, etc.  It is bleak, my friends.

    The night before I left, I did what any modern intrepid road tripper does:  I made several playlists for my iPod, loaded it up with podcasts of This American Life and Real Time With Bill Maher and inspected my vehicle — my trusty, no-longer-produced-because-they-are-out-of-business Saturn Vue, and got a decent night sleep because I was unable to leave until 5pm the next day, which meant that I would hit Philly at around 3am.

    The road from Ann Arbor to Philly is covered mostly by the Ohio and Pennsylvania Turnpikes.  Aside from gouging you for tolls, the Turnpike “plazas” that have restrooms, food, and gas are grossly overpriced.  But what can you do?  A hungry traveler has got to eat.  Fortunately, the plazas on the Turnpike have a slightly better choice than leaving it to chance in Podunk, Ohio.

    Behold! The Ohio Turnpike Service Plaza in all its Glory!!!!

    For starters, every one has a Starbucks.  When you have to drive 600 miles and most of it is at night, my usual aversion to Starbucks gets pushed aside.  So the first important task of fueling myself with coffee is accomplished with relative ease, if you consider Starbucks’ lame ordering system easy (I’m sorry, but a tall will never equal a small in my world).  But after a few McMochas from Starbucks, I was ready for real food. 

    Lo and behold, included in one of the Ohio Turnpike plazas was a Panera.  When faced with McDonalds, Pizza Hut Express, or Panera, the choice is quite simple.  My history with Panera dates back to my days as a rosy-cheeked youth living in the suburbs of St. Louis.  There, at the teenage hangout known as Chesterfield Mall, was the St. Louis Bread Company — the restaurant which would eventually be known as Panera Bread.  So I have a soft spot for Panera.

    After stretching a bit and inspecting the maps (something I always do, even if I have my route memorized, call it a catharsis) I walked into Panera and checked out the menu.  Usually the “You pick two” is my Panera standby, but the menu offered an intriguing and potentially delicious option: The Cuban Chicken Panini.

    Panera's Cuban Chicken Panini (thanks to our freinds at Grub Grade for the pic)

    Is there anything not to love about the traditional Cuban sandwich?  Chicken, ham, swiss, and pickles, all smashed into a delightful, handheld symphony of flavor.  I was excited about trying Panera’s version, as it was a nice break from the drive and I have a general theory that smashing a sandwich makes it better.

    Panera’s Cuban Chicken Panini includes all the favorites I listed above, along with a chipotle mayo and a sun-dried tomato mustard, all on perfectly pressed focaccia.  I received my sandwich and it was piping hot, which was fantastic as it allowed me to linger a few minutes while it cooled to read a copy of the Metro Times I snagged from a gas station before I left.  Nothing like reading Dan Savage before you eat…

    As for the sandwich itself, it was delicious.  Sure, I had a few qualms — the pickles should be thinly sliced and cover the whole sandwich; Panera used pickle chips which provided poor overall coverage.  But you will not hear any other negative words.  The chicken was tender and juicy, the ham provided a nice, salty bite, the swiss was the perfect compliment.  But I was really surprised by how much I liked the sun dried tomato mustard.  Tangy and tasty, it complimented the meat but also was flavorful enough to stand out.  I will no doubt seek out Panera’s Cuban Chicken Panini again.

    After devouring my sandwich, I pushed forward into the night.  Pittsburgh welcomed me with some great Indie music on a local station (91.3 for our Pittsburgh readers) and I rolled into Philly early the next morning.  I was tired and ready to sleep, but excited about exploring the city when I woke up.

    Fortunately, the rest of the trip would provide real culinary adventures — as delicious as my sandwich was, I was hungry for something new.  I would find it the next day, along with some delicious old friends and Philly specialties.

  • Man v. Pseudo-Mexican Slop

    Sometimes a crime is so heinous, so unspeakably monstrous that it needs to be called out again and again and again.  Allow me to set aside my usual anti Guy Fieri rants to join in the chorus against Man v. Food’s appalling choice of location in Ann Arbor.

    Tios?!?!?!?!  Are you fucking serious?  I don’t give a shit that Adam Richman probably has some research hack choosing his places to eat, it’s his show and this idiotic abomination is on him.  It’s like someone ran a meth lab out of his basement.  Sorry pal, you are culpable.

    I engaged in a back and forth on facebook with one of our readers where we speculated on Adam’s choice.  I hoped he would eat the Suicide Wings at my favorite wing location, Mr. Spots.  The reader suggested Bomber, which would have left much amusement if he lost the challenge because John conquered that one. 

    As for the real choices, no argument with Blimpy, although since Fieri was there it wouldn’t have hurt to try somewhere new.  Now you just look like Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives bitch for going there, so tell us how that feels Man v. Food?  You like being Guy Fieri’s bitch?

    I won’t argue with the choice of Maize and Blue Deli.  I’m a fan and have been since I first ate there in 1993.  I still rank Zingerman’s and Amer’s higher but no problem with Maize and Blue.  Solid deli with amazing sandwiches. 

    But Tios?  Holy shit is that embarrassing.  Anyone who has even the slightest idea of what authentic Mexican food is can recognize Tios for being the half-assed poseurs that they are.  John and I can argue until we are blue in the face about whether La Fuente or Los Amigos is better, but one thing we can agree on:  Tios sucks on a truly epic level.  For further info I refer you to my favorite of John’s award winning Tios posts.

    And I don’t want to hear any of this “Tios is ranked best Mexican” or some other whiny, idiotic bullshit like that.  The fact that Tios has won that award speaks volumes about Ann Arbor’s lack of decent Mexican restaurants.  Sorry Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti owns you as far as Mexican is concerned.  You have to stretch credibility, but since Prickly Pear calls itself a “Southwestern Café” I will call it best in Ann Arbor.  Certainly better than Sabor Latino.  Would anyone argue against that?  Prickly Pear’s dumpster leavings blow away Tios.

    My level of outrage over this has surprised me.  Adam Richman, I thought you were cool.   Isn’t there a game show for you to host?  You might as well put some backward sunglasses on and spike and dye your hair.  Loser.

    As an addendum to this, since I have not officially reviewed Tios yet I vow to visit sometime within the next month and give it a fair, impartial review.  I haven’t eaten at Tios in over 10 years, so in the interest of fairness I will make another attempt.  Ugh.  It’s been a while since EP went into the belly of the beast, and I will take one for the team and give it another try.

    Also, I am back from my trip to Philadelphia, which was quite solid.  I plan a muti-part post on Philly dining and my road trip there and back in the future in a segment called:  Jeremy Eats the Road (not literally).