CNN has one of the worst food blogs on the net. It’s called 5@5, and they make a top 5 list of some obvious or irrelevant food topic. It’s a stupid name, and a stupid blog. Their posts are usually irritating or pointless, but sometimes they need to be called out. Case in point: This week’s post called “5 things your chef doesn’t want you to know.” Just in case you haven’t read Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential, (and if you haven’t, please proceed to your local library and grab a copy, it’s a great read) some of this still won’t be new to you. It’s obvious and pedantic.
“5 things your chef doesn’t want you to know”, according to CNN:
1) There’s butter in everything
First of all, bullshit. There is not butter in EVERYTHING and you damn well know it. Got hyperbole? Pushing that aside, are they trying to say that butter makes things delicious? Thanks for the tip, CNN. Also, as Varta pointed out, some things are better than butter, like bacon fat.
2) They aren’t in the kitchen
Rather than go grammar nazi on them, I’m going to assume by “they,” CNN means chefs. Where are they? The roof? The bar? Waiting tables? I venture to speculate that occasionally the chef IS in the kitchen. If you mean on Friday night when it’s busy, I still say you are wrong, CNN. CNN’s example is Mario Batali. Well, no shit, but at most restaurants the chef is not a demi-god. And on a busy night there is a VERY good chance that they are in the kitchen.
3) There’s salt in everything
Again with the hyperbole. CNN loves hyperbole more than Tyrone Biggums loves crack. And thanks for the obvious: Salt is good. I never would have guessed.
4) Your food was cooked by minions
Oh no! Butters' minions are cooking your food!
What the hell is this supposed to mean? We’ve already established that the chef doesn’t cook your food, but who are these mysterious minions? According to CNN, the “minions” they speak of are “migrant workers, would-be criminals, and mindless idiots”. If I were CNN, I would NOT go out to eat any time soon. Ouch. This is quite insulting, from my experience working in restaurants, these minions may include the occasional shady character, but for the most part they worked hard and their only “criminal” activity was smoking weed. A lot of it.
5) Chefs are jerks
Not a jerk
Not nice much, CNN? First of all, there may be a higher jerk to not-jerk ratio among chefs, but way to generalize. Somewhere in Dubuque, Iowa, a chef is genuinely sad that you called him a jerk. And that’s on your conscience, CNN, not mine.
I hoped you learned as little from this as I did. Of course, you already read a food blog far superior to 5@5—Epic Portions. And don’t think that we don’t love you for it.
November will soon be upon us, and it is by far the most underrated of all the months. My favorite holiday — Thanksgiving — awaits at the end of the month, football season gets its mojo in full stride, and who could deny that the glorious Guns N Roses anthem, “November Rain” is the most awesome song to have the name of a month in it?
November also promises to be a memorable month here at EP. Here is an appetizer of what we have in the works:
I still haven’t forgotten my promise to give Tios a fair and impartial review. I’ve just been growing my beard to ZZ Top-esque lengths to avoid recognition.
John and I have been on a health kick of late, and we plan on passing along some of our better recipes and ideas to our loyal readers. Healthy eats, Epic Portions style…
Speaking of healthy eats, last month John and I were given the VIP treatment at Dominos Corporate HQ. A post about our exploits is long overdue.
I plan a review of the new Fattoush Grill on Washtenaw Ave, which has the Amityville Horror like distinction of occupying Tios old digs. Tune in as another white guy voluntarily enters a haunted house.
As fall transitions to winter I will shift my beer focus to Winter Beers. But not before a post about the greatest Cider known to man or beast.
That is just a small taste, who knows what else is in store? More celebrity interviews? More peanut butter sandwiches eaten by John? Perhaps a new anti-Guy Fieri rant? Stay tuned, loyal readers, if it happens in the world of food, you will read about it here: off the record, on the qt, and very hush-hush. (200 cool points to whoever names that movie first!)
Some celebrities have reached such an iconic state that they scarcely need an introduction. Pac-Man (spell it Pacman at your own peril) certainly fits that description. Songs have been written about him. A children’s cartoon graced the TV airwaves. An infamous professional football player bears his name. And did I mention the award winning and best selling video game?
Pac-Man has been something of a recluse since the scandalous breakdown of his marriage to Ms. Pac-Man and the disastrous attempt at a feature film. Since those unfortunate incidents, Pac-Man has been content to live quietly, only to emerge for his philanthropic work with multiple amputees.
Draped in fine silk pajamas (not unlike Hugh Hefner), sipping a snifter of port, and gracing an Errol Flynn-esque moustache, Pac-Man seemed to relish his retirement. I sat down with the legendary eater and 80’s icon at his home located just outside Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
Pac-Man after his disastrous eyebrow implant surgery
EP: When did you first realize you had a future in eating?
Pac-Man: I can tell you exactly when. I was in third grade, and one of the other kids in school had a hole in his lunch bag and dropped a trail of Cheddar Goldfish from his classroom to the cafeteria. I left my spot at the cafeteria table and started gobbling them up. People started laughing and pointing at me. I then began to say “Waka-waka-waka” while eating them and everyone just started busting out laughing. I was hooked. I was different from the other kids, I mean, most of them were not an anamorphous mouth, so this was my way of fitting in. Kind of like the Jewish kid at a mostly Christian school who becomes a comedian.
EP: Did you have any idea your future would be in gaming?
Pac-Man: Not at all. I was hoping to have a career in stand up, but that idiot Gallagher stole my watermelon bit, only I would eat the whole thing in one bite and then rapid-fire spit the seeds at the audience. Way better than smashing it, but hey, I wasn’t interested in being compared to a hack like him.
EP: Where did the idea for the video game originate?
Pac-Man: I had hit a pretty low point. I was relegated to guest spots on Love Boat and as a drug dealer on CHIPS. I spent my entire paycheck on blow and ended up missing the next days shooting. Turn out to be the best decision I ever made, I was coming down the next day and had this idea that I should forget acting and try the newest medium of entertainment. Games were so lame, Space Invaders and Pong? Get real. Super Mario Bros. was years away. There was a niche in the market for a charismatic eater, and I knew I would fit the bill.
EP: Video games are obviously very different now, what do you think of the modern style of gaming?
Pac-Man: I was old school. I was taking out ghosts while the inventers of Ghost Hunter were a stain on their mother’s panties. Nowadays it is all so impersonal. You have a gun or some other weapon. I had to devour an entire ghost — from its remaining life essence to its ghostly wrappings — while moving as fast as I could AND taking care not to eat the eyes.
EP: Not to mention continuing to eat those wafer-pellets.
Pac-Man: Those were the worst. Eating those bland wafers has ruined my palate. Every night I have my personal attendants break pieces of foie-gras into pellets and line them all over the house so I can gobble them up. I vowed a long time ago never to eat bland food again. I usually have an ostrich egg (raw) for breakfast, along with a ginseng infused fruit smoothie. Lunch is usually Sevruga caviar, shipped straight from the Caspian Sea, with toast points. Dinner is foie-gras, and risotto with truffles.
EP: Changing the subject, when did things start to deteriorate with Ms. Pac-Man?
Pac-Man: It seemed like an obvious match, right? I guess we were just too similar. That, and she turned out to be a lesbian. Still, I was a lousy husband and didn’t blame her at all.
EP: The tabloid rumors were pretty crazy. That must have been very hard on her.
Pac-Man: Not just her, but Pac-Man Jr. as well. How does a kid cope with his dad being caught at a swanky hotel with Madonna one night, and in a public bathroom with George Michael the next? I was out of my mind. After the divorce PJ [Pac-Man Junior] went on this epic eating binge. He was arrested after breaking into Pike Place Market in Seattle and eating the place out of salmon. I was sad he had come to that, but I must admit, a little proud as well.
EP: What happened with Pac-Man: The Motion Picture? There was so much buzz.
Pac-Man: Yeah, it turned out to be a huge flop. It goes back to the untimely death of the original director, Stanley Kubrick. After Kubrick died, the whole project collapsed. Then, all of the sudden, this German guy named Uwe Boll says he’s a huge video game fan and wants to direct my film. So I said ok and let him take over the project, I mean, I was spent creatively. What a disaster. That guy should never be allowed near a film set again.
EP: What’s next for you?
Pac-Man: I doubt I’ll be in the public eye again. I have a standing offer to be on Dancing With the Stars, but that show is so lame that I just can’t bring myself to do it. I get a lot of scripts sent my way, I’ll probably pick something that feels right. Maybe the next Saw movie. Until then I’m happy here and I have my charities.
As our discussion wound down, the sun — a brilliant yellow disc — hovered on the horizon before being devoured by blackness. The metaphor was too great not to notice. I started to feel a little sorry for his fall from grace, but then remembered that even though the sun disappears from view it still burns brightly. Pac-Man had his 15 years of fame, and now seemed to be at peace with his life. Massive success and popularity, a high profile marriage, sex scandals (both gay and straight), and a big-budget film flop are more than most could handle. And who knows, like a ghost come back to life, it isn’t out of the question that he could resurface. Let’s just hope it isn’t on Dancing With the Stars.
