Author: admin

  • Don’t Call it a Comeback

    It has been too long, my friends.  I know I casually dropped by a few days ago with my Mr. Bourdain Goes to Cuba rant, but I wanted to formally say hello again as my absence has been far too lengthy. 

    Six months off food writing can change a man.  I spent the last month engaged in the oh-so-narcissistic act of reading many of my previous posts.  How can I improve?  Did I say anything relevant before my break?  Why did I spend so much time obsessing about Food Network?

    The answers are, like a properly prepared pomodoro, simple yet complex.  Improvement as a writer comes with practice, so by assuming my place here at EP I will no doubt improve.  I may or may not have written anything relevant, that is for you, the reader, to decide.  As for Food Network, I owe a lot to FN.  I received a culinary education from the likes of Alton Brown, Mario Batali, Emeril, and even Bobby Flay.  The fact that their programming has gone to shit is not my concern, and certainly not worth my time or witty insults.  They never owed me a thing.  If people want to watch Guy Fieri or Anne Burrell then more power to all of them.  I will leave Food Network with a gracious thank you and move on.

    I do want to issue one very earnest retraction.  In my anger over my beloved Man v. Food visiting Tios, I called Adam Richman a loser.  He most certainly is not.  I look like an asshole for making that statement, and it is beneath you, the reader, and me to make such a stupid claim.  Adam Richman has entertained me countless times, and my son and I love his show.  (More on M v. F in an upcoming post, as we all have noticed the change in format).  Adam comes across as a great guy.  Likeable, funny, friendly.  All the things I wasn’t when I insulted him.  Consider this an apology.  To him and to you.  You deserve a higher level of discourse.

    In the future, I hope to continue to bring humor to EP.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when you are a stay at home Dad if you can’t find humor in life you will surely run amok.  Not that my running amok wouldn’t be humorous, I suppose, but you get the idea.  Humor is good.  I plan on writing more about my efforts to properly introduce my children to the larger world of food—that which exists beyond chicken nuggets and boxed mac and cheese.  I will cast a cynical eye on the important food issues of the day, from the welcome increased focus on local ingredients to the horrors of our national food safety policies.

    Most importantly, I will endeavor to continue to write in the spirit of Epic Portions—great food, devoured with enthusiasm.  John and Todd founded this blog and laid the groundwork for its success by sharing their humor, love of eating, and willingness to be bold in the search for delicious food.  I see no reason to venture too far from that formula.

    Finally, a sincere thank you to those of you who keep Epic Portions on their internet radar.  Aside from being called a few nasty names (probably some of it deservedly so), my interactions with you have been a lot of fun.  I like debate and disagreement.  Call me out if I’m an idiot, I need that sometimes.

    In my re-reading of my previous writings, I noticed that I certainly wrote quite a few beer reviews.  On that note, and in anticipation of the awesomeness that is the upcoming Michigan Summer Beer Festival right here in my hometown, I’ll have a new review up on Monday.  Until then I invite you to “like” us on facebook where I will re-post a few of my old reviews.

  • Yes Reservations

    Tonight, the best food related hour of television one can find, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, travels to Cuba.  Leave it to Bourdain to tread where the chickenshit national media refuses to wander.  Our nation’s culinary conscience, represented by Bourdain, now overlaps to the political—and since I have a deep love of Cuban food I couldn’t be happier.

    I know why the United States still keeps Cuba in the stranglehold of a trade embargo.  Florida politics.  A few thousand Cuban ex-pats in Miami keep our citizens from freely traveling to a country a mere hundred miles or so from our border.  Why?  Because Fidel Castro gave the United States the finger over fifty years ago.  Because JFK and the CIA fucked up the Bay of Pigs invasion, which was a terrible idea to begin with.  Add a bunch of spineless, ass-kissing politicians (from both parties) to this recipe and you have an empanada of apathy, one stuffed with a gooey filling of the status quo.

    There can be no other explanations.  We trade with China, a communist country, and it is damn important that we do or our economy would be further in the toilet if we didn’t.  We trade with Vietnam, another communist country, only this time Vietnam has the distinction of being the site of a bloody war where 50,000+ Americans died.  Yet Cuba, a small island nation close to our home, continues to remain suffocated by American ego, as represented by our lackluster, corrupt politicians.

    I’m hoping Bourdain uses his hour wisely.  I hope he will not shy away from our insanely stupid Cuba policy, while mostly highlighting what we are missing.  Cuban culture.  Cuban food.  Cuban music.  Bourdain usually is not afraid to make a political point or two, but possesses the good sense not to be preachy.  That ability is part of why No Reservations remains one of my favorite shows of any type to grace the airwaves.  Bourdain also remains the ultimate in culinary cool.  No bullshit.  No catch phrases.

    As for me, I’ll take a reservation for two (thanks to my lovely wife) to watch the Travel Channel this evening.  ¡Viva la food revolución!

  • The Return of Dave! BBQ Bacon Four Cheese Pizza

    So, after a lengthy time away from the site, I have returned, and so has my other blog, Tales From a Messy Kitchen. But I have come here to share the wonderful dinner I concocted last night.

    My daughter wanted cheese pizza and I decided to up the ante.  Maybe I’ve just been watching too much Epic Mealtime, but I felt the need for lots of bacon on this pizza.

    Here’s the end result…

    It ain't pretty, but it is tasty…

    I started this food creation off by cutting up and frying some bacon (roughly 7 or 8 strips) .

    You have to be very brave or very stupid to fry bacon shirtless…or both.

    Then I used the bacon grease to saute some sweet vidalia onions…

    mmmmm….bacon onions.

    By the time I got all that done, the dough had risen.  I poured the remaining bacon grease into the dough. I used Trader Joe’s Whole Wheat Pizza Dough. I misunderstood the instructions and thought I had to knead this stuff in flour.  So I started to do so and it began firming up on me.  Apparently, all you have to do is spread it over a liberally floured area into a 12 inch circle…oh well.  I fought with it a bit and then decided it was supposed to be a deep dish 8-inch pizza.

    I added my sauce of choice, Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey Barbecue…

    Then a layer of mozzerella…

    Then the orgy of bacon and onions…as well as the grease in the bowls I put them in.

    Then more mozz, sharp cheddar, and parmesan…plus a slice of muenster that I ripped up.

    Into the oven!

    The Aftermath!  This is why my blog is so aptly named Messy Kitchen. I’m too focused to clean as I go.

    I decided to accompany this meal with a Sam Adams Boston Lager.  Traditional, yet still a bit snobbish.

    My girls all enjoyed this, though Audrey (the one with curls) put up a fuss until I picked the onions off of hers.

    Don't be fooled by their ambivalent expressions, they loved this.
    Tastes great once I throw a fit and demand that the onions be removed!

    So there you have it!  I may need to go take some Zantac, but I enjoyed both making and eating this.  BTW, I have a new house.  Check out my other blog for more pics and details.  Okay enough plugging.  Mangia!