Epic Portions

Author: admin

  • Mommy Marketing, A Rant

    It’s been a while, but I’m ready to rant.  In case you are late to the party, you probably know I’m a stay at home Dad.  I deserve no accolades for taking care of my own children, nor is what I do the most important job in the world.  I wish people would spare me the condescension.  Another thing I can do without is the constant Mommy worship that goes unfettered, while Dads are usually portrayed as buffoonish, bumbling morons.  Just in case you didn’t know, there are some pretty shitty Moms out there.  Whether or not you think Casey Anthony is guilty of murder, there is evidence beyond a reasonable doubt that she was a shitty Mom.

    How does this tie in to food?   I am sick the fuck of the Mom oriented food marketing that passes off as acceptable advertising.  Don Draper would be rolling over is his grave because of this shit.  Choosy Mom’s choose Jif?  Way to piss off half the population, Jif.  Choosy Dads say go fuck yourself and buy something else.  Robitussin is recommended by Dr. Mom?  Tell Dr. Mom she can prescribe me some Xanax and keep her crappy cough syrup to her self.

    But today, while I was shopping at Plum Market, the worst offender was staring me right in the face—a cereal called Mom’s Best.  Mom’s Best is one of these “we save the earth” companies that get all wet and tingly because their executive washroom is powered by officiousness.  I don’t appreciate the name of their company.  Mom’s Best?  It doesn’t even properly apply to cereal…

    I mean, Mom’s Best cornbread?  Sure.  Mom’s Best fried chicken?  Sign me up.  But cereal?  Does anyone have memories of their Mom making cereal?  If anyone reading this has one single memory of their Mom making cereal for the family, please let me know.  My Mom made all kinds of remarkably delicious breakfast treats.  Mom’s Best French toast, Mom’s Best omelets, Mom’s Best crispy bacon on the griddle.   Mmmmmmm, crispy bacon on the griddle…

    So, while Mom’s Best may make a fine cereal, you can be damn sure that this Dad will be leaving it on the shelf.  If I want to feel smug about my cereal purchases, I’ll buy Kashi from now on.

    Of course, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong angle.  Perhaps it is time for a line of Dad’s Best products.  Dad’s Best whiskey.  Dad’s Best potato chips.  My personal favorite would be Dad’s Best Pregenancy Tests.  If the man is smiling, you aren’t pregnant.

  • Epic Product Reviews: Samuel Adams Coastal Wheat

    Samuel Adams and I have been friends for a long time.  We’ve hung out at weddings.  We’ve watched the big game together at a sports bar.  Sam has been there for me when an otherwise boring party or get together seemed hopeless.  While Sierra Nevada is preferable, it seems that quite often Sam is the only quality choice.  My true love is my Michigan craft beers, but Sam has been a valued friend—like a steaming mug of hot-chocolate served with melty mac and cheese, with a side of mashed potatoes and apple pie a la mode for dessert, Samuel Adams is comfort beer.

    Having said all that, Samuel Adams Coastal Wheat sucks.  They tried and failed.  Miserably.  I bought a six pack over a week ago and still have four of them in my fridge.  Coastal Wheat touts itself as a hefeweizen style beer, with a subtle lemon finish.  I won’t take them to task on the lemon finish, it is present but it seems to conflict with the objectionable, yeasty, initial flavor.  Quite often in a hefewezen you can taste banana or clove, but the overall bready, yeasty mouthfeel dominated, making for quite an unpleasant drinking experience.  No other flavor stood out, other than the lemon at the end.  Overall a big thumbs down for Sam Adams Coastal Wheat.

    There is no joy in trashing a beer from an otherwise fine organization.  Samuel Adams has well over a dozen beers on the market; no one person will love them all.  I’m content to check Coastal Wheat off my list and move on to the next beer.  Sam and I will make it through this rough patch, our friendship can withstand one lousy beer.  Besides, I have a wedding to go to next month and I have a good feeling Sam will be in attendance.  It wouldn’t be the same without him.

    One place Sam won’t be is the Michigan Summer Beer Festival.  Be on the lookout for the Epic Portions yearly wrap up and best of list sometime next week.  Until then, stay thirsty, my friends.

  • Jeremy’s Final Tios Post

    It is time to lay this dog to rest.  If Stringer Bell and D’Angelo Barksdale can die and never be heard from again, then so can I sever my online relationship with Tios.  The loss will be felt by no one.

    I will not engage in hyperbole, in this final ever Tios post.  My objective is to lay out in a concise manner my reasons for disliking Tios.  I do not need to make amends for that dislike any more than I have to make amends for not liking P.F. Chang’s.  And if you really think about it, the two are comparable.

    In my opinion, Tios serves substandard Mexo-American fare.  That alone, however, is not why Tios has drawn critical scrutiny.  The substandard Mexo-American fare is WAY overpriced.  If you honestly believe that Tios is a better value for your money than even Chipotle, you and I will just have to agree to disagree.  With extreme prejudice.

    Overpriced, over hyped, substandard food is going to draw criticism.  But this has gone on too long.  From this post forward, the only time you will read the word “Tio” from me is when I’m talking about my long lost great uncle, Gran Tio Guillermo.  Besides him (and he rarely comes up), no más. 

    But you know what?  Don’t take my word for it.  If you like, or even love Tios, then continue to go there.  If you’ve never eaten there, try it yourself.  They do have a nice tequila selection.  The evening couldn’t possibly be a total loss.  Why do I say this?  Because at least Tios is a local business.  People who are members of my community wait tables, cook, wash dishes, tend bar, bus tables, and manage there.  I’ve worked in restaurants before, and I bet Tios has a tight-knit crew of employees like most of the places I worked.  Good for them.  It’s not the server’s or bartender’s fault the food is substandard.

    So I say, go to Tios.  Drink up and tip well. Para mí, Tios está muerto.  Adios, Tios.