Epic Portions

Author: admin

  • Tea Wars Part II

    Not too long ago, I tasted and tested numerous Arnold Palmers with the hope of finding the best.  After an exhaustive search, I regrettably came to the conclusion that Tazo was the winner with their Black Tea and Lemonade.  After further review, however, I just can’t get over the fact that Tazo wants me to buy a 13 oz. beverage when standard size for these bad boys is 16-20 oz.  So I pretty much stopped buying it, and in the interest of integrity I feel the need to write about three different iced tea beverages that have won my heart, and that offer a size more agreeable to a writer for a blog called “Epic Portions.”  Take your shot glass size and sell it at Starbucks, Tazo, I’m ending our short but tumultuous relationship.  I have moved on, and like Hef, I have three to love now.

    Sweet Leaf Organic Sweet Tea

    Sweet Leaf Original Sweet Tea

    One day, I was at my local Kroger at the “Nature’s Market” section, and was looking for Sweet Leaf’s Half and Half.  Sadly, they were out, so I chanced on their Sweet Tea.  Not normally a sweet tea drinker, I not only found that I liked their Sweet Tea, but it is better than their half and half.  This is my new go-to iced tea, and it is fantastic.  Operating out of Austin, TX, Sweet Leaf Organic’s Sweet Tea is their original concoction.  It gives you all the flavor of the tea with just the right amount of sweetness, not masking the tea flavor but enhancing it.  Many of you responded to my first post on this topic with disapproval of high fructose corn syrup, or “100% Natural” Peace Tea’s use of sucralose.  What I can say to you, gentle reader, is try this beverage!  You will not be disappointed.  Even the cute hippie girl cashier at Whole Foods commented on how great it was when I bought it the other day.

    Honest Tea Half and Half

    The good people at Honest Tea were kind enough to point out to me that they have an Arnold Palmer set to come onto the scene after reading my previous tea-related post.  In the interest of fairness, they sent me a bottle of their new Half and Half for yours truly to sample.  I can report to all who are interested that their Half and Half is close to perfection.  If you are unfamiliar with Honest Tea’s products,  let me say that if you have issue with syrupy sweet beverages, you will find Honest Tea’s Half and Half right up your alley.  Honest Tea tastes like tea, with a hint of flavor in the background.  They applied the same formula to their Half and Half, and it works quite well, with the sweetness from the lemonade half working with the tea flavor, and not overpowering it.  I am looking forward to the arrival of Honest Tea’s Half and Half on the shelves at my local food chopper.  They even have a cool new bottle.  Until that day arrives, if I have a craving for Honest Tea I will have to be satisfied with…

    Honest Tea Peach White Tea

    HonestTea Peach White, heaven in a bottle.

    I was looking for the new Half and Half in the cool bottle when I saw Honest Tea’s Peach White Tea on the shelf.  When done right, the addition of peach to a beverage is exquisite.  And Honest Tea has done it right, this drink is a little slice of heaven.  True to form for Honest Tea, the tea flavor stands out, but the peach is subtle yet vibrant.  Drink this and compare it to Peace Iced Tea and tell me which one is 100% Natural.  No competition.

    Heading into summer, it is nice to have new drinks for the journey.  All three of these are the best of the best.  Do yourself a favor, ditch Arizona or Peace or Lipton and give one (or all) of these a shot.  You can always go back, but I bet you won’t.

  • Beer Madness, Final Four and Championship!

    We have arrived at the end.  After three weeks of intense competition, lobbying by beer lovers from across the globe (I don’t care if you are mad at me China, Tsingtao still sucks), and what my doctor described as “a liver Mickey Mantle would be proud of”…WE HAVE A CHAMPION!  First, the final four results.

     

    Final Four:

    (5) Hoegaarden over (3) Budweiser American Ale

    I know I said upsets were possible, but did anyone really think Bud American Ale could defeat Hoegaarden?  Having said that, American Ale is a pretty solid brew.  AB/InBev needs begin to promote this beer as their “flagship.”  They can be proud of it, and it would help to elevate their status in the beer world.  Until then, most people will associate Budweiser products with swill.  Considering the quality of American Ale that is a shame.  If you haven’t tried it, we are only talking about anywhere from $7-$8 for a six pack.  Give it a shot…

    (3) Anchor Steam over (4) Negra Modelo

    My new found love of Modelo Dark plus lime cannot defeat the smooth, hoppy flavor of Anchor Steam.  While it may have been unexpected to see Anchor Steam survive the American Microbrew (aka the group of death) bracket, it isn’t implausible.  Anchor is a fine beer and a credit to its San Francisco brewers.

    Setting up the glorious championship, which was fought last night while watching Butler defeat Michigan State.

    Championship:

     

    (5) Hoegaarden over (3) Anchor Steam

    Our regular readers knew of my love for Hoegaarden from previous posts, but I honestly thought it would run into trouble late in the European bracket, especially considering the strength of competition.  The true Belgian White, Hoegaarden combines the classic combination of orange peel and coriander to create a magical concoction.  They even recommend a special hexagon glass to drink it out of, which I keep under lock and key in a refrigerated hexagonal beer glass cabinet. 

    Behold…the hexagonal glass!

    Anchor Steam was a worthy runner-up, a true American Microbrew that is a pleasure to drink year round, but the flavor of Hoegaarden was too much for Anchor to overcome.

    Final Notes:

    Obviously, this was a highly subjective competition.  How do you compare a Belgian White to a Pale Ale?  Brown Ale vs. Pilsner?  The honest answer it that you just have to trust whatever tastes best at that moment.  I could run this bracket again in six months and have different results.  The main objective was to enjoy the beer and perhaps learn a few things in the process.  In that sense, mission accomplished.

    A special thank you goes out to John for helping decide a decisive Mexican battle, J & K from Ypsi for an enjoyable night of drinking and their honest feedback (Bell’s Amber vs. Anchor was tough but fun), and my wife for helping on championship night.

    My guess is that next spring I will pursue a different challenge.  Breakfast cereals, salty snacks, who knows.  I need to recover from this one before I start to worry about next year.  I sincerely hoped that EP readers enjoyed this year’s beer tourney.  Happy drinking and, please Butler…BEAT DUKE!

  • Dear Food Network, You Suck. Again.

    This week should have been a typical week.  Take my son to kindergarten.  Play with my daughter.  Make dinner for family.  Wrap dead fish in newspaper and mail to Food Network.

    Wait, ok, that last part is somewhat atypical.  While, like most people, I do mail the occasional dead fish to someone who has grieved me in some way, this would mark only the second time I have sent one to the Food Network.  I really don’t want to get into the first time, as there was some, shall we say, unpleasantness.  Let me just tell you that if you are going to send a dead fish to Sandra Lee, do not include your return address.  Amateur mistake.

    It wasn't me Sandra, I swear. It was Rahm Emmanuel!

    You see, every afternoon at 3:30 after I pick my son up from school, I like to turn on FN just to see what Tyler Florence is making.  Sometimes I turn it right off, but every now and then he has a great menu on his show, Tyler’s Ultimate.  One nice thing about FN (and believe me, other than Alton Brown, there probably is only one other nice thing) is that it is age appropriate programming.  The only time FN is inappropriate is for 12-14 year old males during Everyday Italian.

    So what did our clueless amigos at FN do?  They moved him to 11am (dead zone time) to occupy Michael Chiarello’s old time slot.  As a side note, I always liked Easy Entertaining, it was like spending part of the morning in Napa, and Mike is a pretty damn good chef. 

    You'd be this happy too if you lived in Napa, had a basket of wine and were leaving Food Network

    I know what you are saying.  Hardly reason to send a dead fish, right.  True.  Read on…

    Guess who is on at 3:30 now?  I won’t keep you in suspense, it is Anne Burrell.  You are either saying who the fuck is that, or throwing up in your mouth.  Who likes her?  Anyone?  Perhaps there is an Anne Burrell fan club out there ready to attack me like the Guy Fieri mafia.  I doubt it.  Her show, Secrets of a Restaurant Chef  is, to put it simply, awful.  I know Tyler Florence isn’t exactly Mr. Excitement but at least he was watchable.

    It gets better.  What genius thought it was a good idea to put Anne on right after Guy’s Big Bite?  Not only are you cramming two of the worst personalities FN has to offer into the same hour, but are you oblivious to the fact that they look almost exactly alike?  I expect there will be a lot of confused soccer moms.  I’m tired of FN propping up utterly loathsome personalities.  From Guy Fieri, to Anne Burrell, to Alex Guarnaschelli, it just keeps getting worse and worse.

    Anne Burrell
    Guy Fieri, sans glasses

    As it stands now, aside from EPIE research, my FN viewing is down to Good Eats and sometimes Chopped.  The day Alton Brown leaves will be the end of the line for me and Food Network.

    So…they get a dead fish.  Oh yeah, and also because the show The Best Thing I Ever Ate is self-indulgent garbage. 

    The best part of this story is that I threw in a bottle of ancho chili powder along with the fish, hoping to entice Bobby Flay to be a big show off and try to cook it.  Joke is on him, I let that thing sit in the sun for three days; it has more bacteria in it than all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses combined.

    Come to think of it, I just thought of a helpful way to help El Tigre defeat his sex addiction problem.  Carry a picture of Anne Burrell around with you at ALL TIMES.  That’ll keep your driver in the bag.

    (OK, that was really mean, even for me.  If I ever meet Anne Burrell she has permission to punch me.)