Epic Portions

Author: admin

  • Beer Madness, Final Four

    At long last, we have reached the final four.  This is becoming a grueling test of endurance for yours truly.  I’m like Adam Richman from Man v. Food, he hits the food wall, I’ve hit the beer wall.  Someday I’ll look back at this and be amused, but right now I feel like I’m trapped in a giant swimming pool of beer and must drink my way out.  At least we are near the end and down to the champions of each bracket.  I’m sure by the time the real Final Four hits I’ll be ready to get back in action.  As long as Duke loses, I’ll be a happy guy.

    American Macrobrew:

    (3) Budweiser American Ale over (1) Blue Moon

    I wish I could travel back in time and see how the powers that be at Anheuser Busch decided to brew American Ale.  I like to think one of the brewers (if you can call the people who make Busch Light “brewers”) hit their head at work one day and had a vision from the Pawtucket Patriot telling them that they were pathetic because they had all this great brewing equipment and have Bud Light to show for it.  They then set about creating a real beer, an amber ale that they could be proud of and tell their grandkids about.

    Blue Moon is what I would best describe as a “gateway beer.”  If it can get you away from macro-junk and into the world of craft beer, then mission accomplished.  I will drink it when I go out and the only choices on tap are Miller Lite, Budweiser, Labatt, and Blue Moon.  It is decent; nothing special but a nice alternative when faced with only bleak choices.

    In conclusion, the faux Belgian White, when analyzed is a pretty mediocre knockoff.  Points go to Anheuser Busch/InBev for creating something worthwhile and trying to bolster the product line with a legitimate attempt at a craft beer.

    European:

     

    (5) Hoegaarden over (2) Pilsner Urquell

    I would like to begin by saying on a summer day, when I’m finished mowing the lawn, Pilsner Urquell is almost as good as it gets.  It is refreshing and smooth.  But in the end it is a pilsner and can’t compete with the complex flavor profile of Hoegaarden.  I know my Prague peeps won’t be happy, but Belgium carries the day.

    American Microbrew:

     

    (3) Anchor Steam over (9) Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

    First I would like to correct an inaccuracy in my last post.  Long Hammer is brewed in Portsmouth, NH and not in Seattle.  Epic Portions’ corporate lawyers didn’t want me to outright apologize due to legal implications, but I say lawyers be damned.  (Except John’s Dad and my Father-in-law, Sister-in-law, and best man at my wedding.  They are all a credit to the profession.  All other lawyers can take a rocket ship to hell.  Except those who read EP.  Ya’ll are cool.)  In that spirit, I apologize for and regret my error.

    So, Anchor vs. Long Hammer wasn’t a West Coast battle, or some weird medieval blood sport.  No NWA vs. Tupac, more like NWA vs. Portsmouth native (and Travel Channel’s own) Samantha Brown, the most famous living Portsmouthian I could find.  And so goes the defeat for Long Hammer.

    Anchor Steam is a credible winner in this group.  It has a wonderful hoppy flavor with a smooth finish that has the tinge of bitterness that you want without losing any of its drinkability.  Anchor will be tough to beat in the next round.

    International Macrobrew:

    (4) Negra Modelo over (6) Dos Equis

    First off, many thanks to John for joining me at Los Amigos for a delicious meal and a battle of beers.  Since it was Mexico vs. Mexico, limes were allowed, something I normally wouldn’t consent to but I felt the playing field would be even here.  Besides, I drank plenty of both sans lime and was ready for a new twist in the battle.

    Let me say right away that the lime made Modelo Dark come alive.  A nice dark lager with a layer of complexity became more than the sum of its parts.  Sadly, limes will not be allowed in the next round, and that may hurt Negra Modelo, but let it be said right here that this beer is elevated by the lime and will be enjoyed that way by me in the future.

    Final Four:

    (3) Budweiser American Ale vs. (5) Hoegaarden

    (3) Anchor Steam vs. (4) Negra Modelo

    Analysis:

    Before everyone declares a winner in the first battle, remember that Northern Iowa beat Kansas and that Butler is in the Final Four.  I know our European readers prefer football, so I’ll bring up the 1950 World Cup USA over England win or 2002’s Senegal over France.  The point is that upsets happen.

    As for Anchor and Negra Modelo, you have to wonder if another upset is possible.  But one thing I have to say is that when you blind test these beers strange things happen.  Many of the battles that took place to get us here had surprising results.  Tune in this weekend to see who makes the championship match.

  • Beer Madness, Elite Eight

    We started out with 64, and now there are only eight beers left.  The empties of the first 56 are strewn about like leftovers from a house party, except at this house party the guests brought Natty Light and Boddingtons.  For those of you who have expressed concern about the condition of my liver, I’m happy to report that my health plan with Epic Portions allows one trip to the Mayo Clinic every year.  I’ll be there as soon as this is over for a little R and R, and to take some time off beer.  Only whiskey for one week straight.  Woo-hoo!

    American Macrobrew:

    (1) Blue Moon over (4) Coors Banquet

    Who ever thought Coors would make it this far?  Wins over High Life, Bud Light and Coors so far for Blue Moon.  What happens when it has to take on a real beer?

    (3) Budweiser American Ale over (10) Rolling Rock

    And so the run ends for Rolling Rock; just like Coors it did well to make it this far.  Bud’s American Ale has the distinct advantage of actually tasting like beer.

    So, for the championship of the American Macrobrew category, we have:

    (1) Blue Moon vs. (3) Budweiser American Ale

    Analysis:

    It has taken awhile but we have whittled this group down to two pretty decent beers.  Blue Moon’s faux Belgian style versus Budweiser’s attempt at creating a real beer.  Try this one at home, dear readers, you might be pleasantly surprised.

    European:

    Vítězství Pilsner Urquell!!

    (5) Hoegaarden over (1) Newcastle Brown Ale

    Newcastle is a great beer, no question.  But to survive this group, you’ve got to bring something special, and Hoegaarden has that in spades.  The hint of coriander puts it over the top.

    (2) Pilsner Urquell over (6) Bass Ale

    The original pilsner over a pale ale?  I usually love pale ales, but the smooth finish of Pilsner Urquell makes it a truly special beer.

    Setting up an amazing championship battle for the European bracket:

    (2) Pilsner Urquell vs. (5) Hoegaarden

    Analysis:

    What can I say?  This one is wide open, but there is no loser here, to be certain.  Czech Republic vs. Belgium for the European championship.  Forget UEFA, I can honestly say without hyperbole that this is the greatest matchup in European history.

    American Microbrew:

    (9) Red Hook Long Hammer IPA over (5) Sam Adams Winter Lager

    The hoppy punch of Red Hook outduels the flavorful Winter Lager.  Sam is gone from the competition, but not after a solid showing.

    (3) Anchor Steam over (7) Bell’s Amber

    After ousting some really amazing beers, Bell’s Amber bows out to Anchor in a razor close battle that went into overtime.

    The great American Microbrew category closes with mad hops:

    (3) Anchor Steam vs. (9) Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

    Analysis:

    West coast, baby, this is NWA versus Tupac.  The smooth flavor of Anchor Steam battles the citrus hops of Red Hook’s IPA.

    International Macrobrew:

    (4) Negra Modelo over (1) Red Stripe

    Red Stripe is a nice light lager but loses out to a more flavorful beer.  Overall popularity be damned, Modelo Dark is just a better beer.

    (6) Dos Equis over (7) Moosehead Lager

    Moosehead falls short against Dos Equis, not even watching a hockey game while drinking it could save the Canadian Lager.

    International Macrobrew comes down to an all Mexico battle:

    (4) Negra Modelo vs. (6) Dos Equis

    Wow…this will be fun and must be fought over a glorious, authentic Mexican meal.  Sounds like a trip to La Fuente or Los Amigos is in order for this battle.

    We are now on the cusp of the final four, the winners of each category will be anxious to take each other on.  Results will be ready early next week.

  • Beer Madness, Sweet Sixteen

    We are advancing closer to the final four, and unlike some pampered princess’ super sweet sixteen celebration, ours will include no alcho-pops.  Just beer, and we are mostly down to some really great stuff.

    American Macrobrew:

    (1) Blue Moon over (9) Bud Light

    Bud Light is happy to have gotten this far, now go hook up with golden wheat and be glad you are better than Miller.

    (4) Coors Banquet over (5) Budweiser

    Another win for the brewers from Golden, CO.  This is one I might have thought would go the other way, but Coors wins a close one.

    (3) Budweiser American Ale over (6) Land Shark Lager

    Stick to margaritas, Jimmy Buffet.  No one wants to be wasted away in Land Shark Lagerville.  You were out matched in this battle.

    (10) Rolling Rock over (2) Killian’s Red

    Call this controversial if you like, but there is more flavor and character in a bottle of number 33.  Killian’s is actually a pretty bad beer when you get down to it.

    The results set up the following sweet sixteen matchups:

    (1) Blue Moon vs. (4) Coors Banquet

    (3) Budweiser American Ale vs. (10) Rolling Rock

    Analysis:

    A Colorado battle between Coors and Blue Moon looks like a tough one for Coors.  Rolling Rock tries to continue its improbable run against Bud’s American Ale.

    European:

    (1) Newcastle Brown Ale over (8) Harp

    Another close one for Harp, but this time it is on the losing end.  Nothing to be ashamed of, Harp is still a pretty tasty treat.

    (5) Hoegaarden over (4) Stella Artois

    The Battle of Belguim ends in a landslide win for Hoegaarden.  Stella is a cute little beer, but it was tangling with a big dog in this fight.

    (6) Bass Ale over (3) Guinness

    Tan beats black in this fight of classic beers.  In fact, a black and tan beats Guinness if they are matched up.

    (2) Pilsner Urquell over (10) Grolsch

    Czechs beat the Dutch; Grolsch’s uber-cool bottles can’t beat a far superior beer.

    The results set up the following sweet sixteen matchups:

    (1) Newcastle Brown Ale vs. (5) Hoegaarden

    (2) Pilsner Urquell vs. (6) Bass Ale

    Analysis:

    As Alex DeLarge said when listening to Beethoven, “Oh joy, oh bliss.”  That describes the thought of these two mathcups.  I recommend the readers try these at home…

    American Microbrew:

    (9) Red Hook Long Hammer IPA over (16) Edmund Fitzgerald Porter

    Red Hook’s IPA packs a punch, and knocks Edmund Fitzgerald out after an early upset.

    (5) Samuel Adams Winter Lager over (4) Bell’s Oberon

    Some will scream heresy, but as much as Oberon is a harbinger of spring, it is a less flavorful beer than Sam Adams Winter.  You will still see me at Sidetrack’s enjoying an Oberon, but Sam Adams wins the day.

    (3) Anchor Steam over (11) Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat

    Anchor wins a close one, I love Cherry Wheat but it had a tough draw to defeat the San Francisco IPA.

    (7) Bell’s Amber over (2) Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

    Bell’s plays giant killer again, after knocking off Sam Adams Summer, it dispatches Chico’s finest in a beer battle for the ages.

    The results set up the following sweet sixteen matchups:

    (5) Samuel Adams Winter Lager vs. (9) Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

    (3) Anchor Steam vs. (7) Bell’s Amber Ale

    Analysis:

    Red Hook IPA vs. Sam Adams Winter?  Interessant, to say the least.  That will be a tough one to judge.  Bell’s gets another big test against Anchor.

    International Macrobrew:

    (1) Red Stripe over (8) Sapporo

    Sapporo was lucky to be in round two, meanwhile, Red Stripe is Jamaican a run at the final four.  And yes, I deserve to be punched for that.

    (4) Negra Modelo over (12) Molson Canadian

    Modelo Dark dispatches another Canadian brew with ease.

    (6) Dos Equis over (3) Asahi Super Dry

    Aside from a margarita, nothing goes better with Mexican food than a Dos Equis.  Asahi might be better than Sapporo, but it falls short as well.

    (7) Moosehead Lager over (2) Modelo Especial

    Canada’s revenge!  The eminently drinkable Moosehead takes down Modelo in the other NAFTA fight.

    The results set up the following sweet sixteen matchups:

    (1) Red Stripe vs. (4) Negra Modelo

    (6) Dos Equis vs. (7) Moosehead Lager

    Analysis:

    Negra Modelo gets a non-Canadian opponent in the formidable Red Stripe.  Another Canada/Mexico classic looks like a close one between Dos Equis and Moosehead.

    No letting up for these carbonated combatants.  The competition is getting tougher and the stakes are higher.  The elite eight beckons, with a final four berth on the line.  Look for the next round results by the end of the week.