Epic Portions

Category: Funny

  • Could someone please explain this ad?

    Don’t you wish you still felt this way about spaghetti?  Is that cowboy-cheeseman about to rope and brand this boy like a steer?  What type of hallucinogenics are in this boy’s dinner milk?

  • Food Network: The Movie

    Ugh…as if this wasn’t bad enough, our spies have uncovered another Food Network Movie Project.

    Executive Producer Jerry Bruckheimer 

    and 

    FN Films presents: 

    un film de Jean-Pierre Jeunet 

    Tom Cruise as Bobby Flay 

    and 

    Nicole Kidman as Sandra Lee 

    in 

    Mouths Wide Open 

     
     

    Are you ready for a couch jumping Throwdown?

    Also Starring: 

    Jeff Daniels as Alton Brown

    Daniel Day-Lewis as Emeril Lagasse

    I'm going to teach you to julienne carrots with this knife!!!!

     Courtney Cox as Rachael Ray

    Jessica Simpson as Giada De Laurentiis

    The Rock as Robert Irvine

    Tyler Perry as Paula Deen

    Ice Cube as Pat Neely

    Regina Hall as Gina Neely

    Jason Bateman as Tyler Florence

    Bart Simpson as Guy Fieri

    That burrito is on point, man.
     
    Queen Latifah as Sunny Anderson

    Ewan McGregor as Ted Allen

    Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli 

    Azrael the Cat as Alex Guarnaschelli and Gargamel as Aaron Sanchez

    Robert DeNiro as Mario Batali

    Piper Perabo as Kat Cora 

    Piper Perabo as Iron Chef Cora

    Samuel L. Jackson as Aaron McCargo Jr.

    Tina Fey as Robin Miller

    Guy Fieri as Anne Burrell

    Zooey Deschanel as Aida Mollenkamp 

    500 Days of Aida

    With:

    Colin Firth as Gordon Ramsay

    Seth Rogan as Adam Richman

    And

    George Clooney as Anthony Bourdain

    Editor’s Note:  We have been notified that Bart Simpson has refused to portray Guy Fieri.  Mr. Simpson was quoted as saying “I don’t want to play some lame-ass game show host, man.  I have standards.”  The role of Guy Fieri will now be played by Samuel L. Jackson, who will play multiple roles a la Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove.  

    Mmmmm….now that burger is money.

    Editor’s Second Note:  Daniel Day-Lewis’ routine of character immersion and method acting has led to his retirement (again) from making movies.  Mr. Day-Lewis now owns and operates his own restaurant, “The Last of the Crustaceans” in Lake Charles, Louisiana where he currently resides.

    I abandoned my career!!!

     Editor’s Third (and final) Note:  We have been notified that Samuel L. Jackson has left the project and refuses to portray Guy Fieri.  He was last heard storming off the set while yelling “I want these motherfucking sunglasses, off the back of my motherfucking head!”  The role of Aaron McCargo Jr. will now be played by Curtis (50 Cent) Jackson and the role of Guy Fieri will be played by Corey Feldman.

    Corey Feldman as Guy Fieri

  • An Invitation He Couldn’t Refuse

    Way to go University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill! The following invitation is fantastic:

    Come one, come all! 'Learn' about the Ocean Deep and Jungles and um…stuff.

    Let me get this straight. The school is putting on a screening of the Ocean Deep and Jungles episodes of Planet Earth, while serving ‘lots of free food’…on 4/20. This is either the brainchild of a former-stoner student activities staffer or the oversight of the century. Either way, well done!  Go Heels!